Speak of the devil. When I peeked at the message on my cell phone, I didn’t recognize the number, so I knew that it was from him. Besides Dane, he was the only one who ever called me Seesaw. The message read –Having fun Seesaw? I knew that Dane was somewhere behind all this. He had to have been the one to give Travis my number. After the second message, I just turned the damn thing off. He was trying to ruin my date, so I put a stop to it quickly. I figured that if I didn’t turn it off and I refused to answer, then he’d start calling next and I didn’t need that happening.
We finished our dinner over light conversation, and talk about what was going on in both our lives. He said that he was considering enlisting in the Army because it was something that his father wanted him to do. He tried the college thing, but said that it just wasn’t for him. I could respect that. I wasn’t certain if the college thing would be for me either. Right then life seemed pretty okay without it. Most of our talk was about him. He loved to talk about himself… A lot. I didn’t mind though because it was less that I had to say about myself. He found a way to flirt or say something dirty with everything he talked about. He was laying it on thick, and I bit into every flirtatious move he threw my way. It felt good having someone lust over me, even though I knew he was only doing it to get in my pants. He found several ways to touch my arm or hand. He even kept his leg rested up against mine under the table. The waitress cleared our table and brought our check. His hand found my knee under the table when she walked off. The sensation of his fingertips did crazy things to me. It had been a long time and sexual frustration had set in.
“You ready to get out of here.” He winked, and I nodded. When we left the restaurant, his hand rested on my ass cheek the entire way to his car. He wasn’t a subtle boy. He was a take what he wanted, when he wanted it boy. “You want to go back to your place?” He asked
“Yeah, that’d be great.” At least there, I could kick him out when I got ready.
“So you never told me how your parents were doing?” I stared out the window straight ahead. Was he kidding me? I let out a loud, exasperated sigh. He knew my parents were dead. The silence was thick and I shook my head in anger.
“What?”
“Vince, you know that my parents passed away. You and your parents came to the funeral. Why would you ask that?” I shook my head. If he weren’t driving, I’d probably back-hand him in the face.
“Oh yeah, that’s right, I must have forgot.”
“Are you serious? Ugh,” I could not even look at him right now, stupid fucker.
“I’m sorry.” He said, but I just shook my head. I knew there was a reason that I never liked the heartless little asshole. I let my girly parts do all the judging on this one, and look where it got me.
The car slammed to a stop in front of my house. “Goodnight Vince.” I opened the car door and stepped out.
“Wait you’re not even gonna ask me inside?”
I leaned my head down so that I could look him directly in the eyes. I wanted him to see me roll mine. “Some other time, goodnight,” I slammed the door shut. I wasn’t about to give him the opportunity to speak. He didn’t deserve it. I barely made it around the front of his car before he peeled out of the drive. He had some nerve thinking that I would give him a piece of ass after that.
I walked through the front door and slammed it shut behind me, making sure to lock it. My shoes were the first thing to go. I kicked them off in the middle of the floor and left them there, where I could cuss about it tomorrow when I tripped over them. I was just so mad. I didn’t know if I was madder at him or myself. His words really got to me. I was having a perfectly good time until he brought up my parents. I was doing so well. They were supposed to be in the back of my mind, where I planned for them to stay, at least for a while, or until I could figure out how to deal with it all.
I had my clothes off before I even made it to the restroom. I splashed some cool water on my face, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. The only thought in my mind was my parents. Every time I closed my eyes I saw my mother’s face staring back at me. I thought about the last day of her life, and how it was my fault. They loved each other so much. They were supposed to live long happy lives together, and grow old. No matter how much I tossed in the bed, the images just became worse. I sat straight up. How would I ever get through this? I had to close my eyes. At some point, I would have to sleep. I was able to sleep when I was at home with Uncle Jake, so why couldn’t I do it now? Why is it that they were flooding my thoughts here, all of a sudden? I couldn’t handle it.
My cell phone said it was only eleven o’clock. I wanted someone to call me and talk; to tell me everything was okay and that I wasn’t some horrible person.
I closed my eyes, only to feel my chest tightening at my thoughts. Did she scream, before the semi barreled into their SUV? How fast were they driving? Were they in any pain? Damn my thoughts. They were morbid, and hurt me so badly.
I went back to the bathroom, thinking maybe some cold water would help. I splashed a hand full on my face and then looked in the mirror. My reflection frightened me. It wasn’t my brown eyes staring back at me, it was my mother’s green ones. Her pale face was covered in blood. My sigh was strangled. I turned away and grabbed my chest. When I looked back into the mirror, she was gone. It was only me. What the hell was wrong with me? The tears began falling. This must be my punishment. It must be their way of holding me hostage, so that I would always remember that I was the one that caused them to die. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and cried. I’d never felt more frightened and saddened in all my life. I deserved this torture. I was crying so hard that I had no idea that someone had entered the house.
I screamed when I felt his hand touch my shoulder.
“Travis, what are you doing here?”
TEN
Travis
I knocked on the dark wooden door several times. I peeked around the edge of the porch to see that the light was still on. I knocked again, but still no answer. Surely I was not crazy; I could have sworn that there were no lights on when I pulled up. Taking my chances, I reached up above the iron casing of the front porch light. “Jackpot,” Even after all of these years, the key was still hidden in the same exact spot. I opened the door. “Sawyer,” I called out. The kitchen light above the stove was on. It was not bright, but there was enough light that I could see her heels strewn across the living room floor. I took a deep breath, hoping that I wouldn’t walk in on something that I truly did not want to see.
When I came around the corner into the hallway, I finally heard sounds. It was soft at first, but the closer I got to Sawyer’s bedroom, the louder it got. I could tell then that she was crying. I opened the door to her bedroom, but she wasn’t there. The sobs were coming from the bathroom. Quickly, I walked in, and that was where I found her. She was sitting there on the edge of the tub crying her eyes out. I reached down and touched her gently, only to hear her scream at my touch. I wasn’t trying to scare the shit out of her. It just happened.
“Travis what are you doing here?”
I bent down in front of her so that I could look her in the eyes. “I just came to check on you.”
“Oh Travis,” she said then she threw herself into my arms. There were no words. She cried so hard, she had me worried. Her face was buried deep into my neck and she stayed there for a long time just crying. I was surprised by her reaction. She wasn’t mad at me for breaking in, like I thought she’d be. I’d never seen her like this. I rubbed her head lightly trying to soothe her, but said nothing. Having her this close, made me realize how much I still cared for her. I was so concerned about her, that I hadn’t thought of all the scenarios that could have happened, and then it hit me. “Did Vince have something to do with this?” I blurted out. I knew how he was. He’s an asshole.
“No,” she pulled away from my chest. There were long black streaks running down her face under her eyes. She stood up and walked past me into her bedroom.
“
What’s going on Sawyer?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She lay down on her bed face down.
“You’re a mess right now.”
“Thank you,” she lifted her head and glared at me.
“You didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is that, yes you are a mess, but I’m not talking about the way you look right now. If you don’t talk about it, it’ll only get worse.”
She buried her head back inside her crossed arms. I sat down on the bed next to her and waited for her to speak. I couldn’t imagine what could possibly be wrong. I knew that Dane had mentioned something about her parents. I wondered if this had anything to do with that.
We sat there in silence for a little while before she finally spoke. “It’s all my fault.”
“What is?” I asked. I brushed her hair back, but she still hadn’t looked up at me.
“I killed my parents.”
“What! What do you mean? You did not.” I touched her cheek so that she’d face me, but she never looked me in the eyes.
“Yes I did,” She turned away, and started crying again.
“Look at me.” She did. “They had a car accident. That was not your fault. Is that what’s bothering you?”
“You don’t understand Travis.”
“Then explain it to me. Help me understand.” She sniffled. I walked into the bathroom and grabbed the toilet paper roll off the holder, and brought it back to her.
“I’ve never talked about this with anyone, not even Dane.” Her voice was serious, and she’d finally made eye contact with me.
“Do you trust me?” I asked. I wanted her to be able to tell me anything. I wouldn’t judge her. I cared too much about her. I would’ve thought my ‘crush’ or whatever this was I felt for her would have disappeared after all these years, but it hadn’t. Sawyer was special.
“There is still a part of me that doesn’t want to trust you, especially after the things you did.” Her brown eyes glared at me from the corners.
“We’ll save that fight for another day.” I smiled, earning myself the slightest little grin from her.
“Even though I don’t want too,” she rolled her eyes. “For some reason I trust you more than anyone. I don’t know why.” She stared down at her folded hands. Her confession made me swell up a bit. She trusted me more than anybody else. That is a whole helluva lot. Especially after the way I treated her back when we were kids. I didn’t deserve her trust, but I would take it. I planned on setting things right about the kiss incident from long ago, just not tonight.
I grabbed her hand from her lap, and she didn’t resist. “Tell me,” I insisted.
She had taken a long, hard breath before she spoke. “The night that my parents died was the night of my championship swim competition. I was competing at the top of my class. This was a state title match, and my coach said that if I won I’d be guaranteed the scholarship that I worked so hard to get. My dream was to make it to Olympics, and my coach said I was good enough to compete. It was my only dream. Anyway,” she shrugged, “that’s not really important. My mom had called my cell and told me that Dad wasn’t home from work yet and that she was waiting for him to get there so that they could come together. She apologized and said that they were gonna be late. I was so angry. I yelled at her like really yelled. I acted like a spoiled fucking brat and threw the biggest fit about them being late. I even hung up the phone on her Travis. The last fucking conversation I had with my mom was me yelling and screaming and hanging up on her. I didn’t say bye or I love you, nothing. They were at every swim meet I had. They were never late. Only that one time were they gonna be late, and I threw a fit. I’m sure that’s why they were speeding in the damn rain just so they could get there and not disappoint me. I’m a selfish bitch.” Her hair fell in her face, and she let it hang there, covering her emotions. “My parents died coming to watch me swim. How pathetic is that? Now every time I close my eyes, I see her face. I hear screams when it’s quiet. It was never this bad at home. I guess there I was never alone, but here I am. I’m alone Travis, and I am scared as hell. When I looked in the mirror, I saw my mother’s bloody face staring back at me.” Her lower lip trembled and I was desperate to reach out and run my thumb along its plumpness, but I held myself back. She wasn’t mine, not yet at least, and I really had no right to touch her like that.
“Sawyer Babe, this is not,” I started to speak, but she cut me off.
“Don’t say it. Don’t you dare say that this is not my fault?”
Her words were heartbreaking. I got teary eyed listening to her story. “Come here,” I motioned for her to scoot into my side. “I want you to listen to me.” I hugged her close to me. “Losing a parent is hard. Real fucking hard, I know. I can’t imagine losing two at once. You have to know and believe that they passed on for a reason. Just because they were traveling to see you doesn’t mean that you are the reason that they died. It could have happened anywhere or anytime. What if they were on their way to see Dane? Then he would be the one blaming himself. You know that it wouldn’t be his fault that they died, just the way that it’s not yours. It happens. It’s horrible and it sucks major ass, but every single day someone goes through this. You have to quit blaming yourself. Your parents wouldn’t want that. They loved you so much, and even if you yelled and screamed that day, they still loved you. They would have been coming to that swim meet of yours one way or another.”
I felt her shake her head. Then there was nothing but silence for a while. I knew that she was trying to pull herself together. “Thank you Travis. It feels nice getting it off my chest. ” I squeezed her tight.
“It sounds to me like you’re holding on to a lot of stuff, Sawyer. Like you didn’t get a chance to mourn or say your goodbyes, but it’s not too late. You can still do it.” My lips brushed softly over the top of her head.
“I know. I just need time to process the idea. I don’t know if I am ready for that just yet.”
“Well, I hope I helped you a little.”
“You did.” She looked up at me. Our bodies were hugged together, and I felt comfortable here. The close energy in the air had me caught up in the moment. I thought she was too. Looking in her eyes, brought me back to a time when she was the only girl to capture my thoughts. That summer after she left; the one where she never came back, was a hard summer for me. I felt so horrible about what I had done to her. I admitted my true feelings, not only to her but to myself. Then afterwards, I broke her heart. She left. She left me with a broken heart too. But I couldn’t blame her. She obviously thought I lied about it all, and what choice did she have. Seeing her now, and feeling her that close made me forget about all the bad things. I guess I didn’t really let her go after all. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Even in that moment, with her swollen eyes, and red nose, she took my breath away.
“Sawyer,” her name just barely left my lips. Slowly I tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. I leaned in closely. For the first time in a long time, my stomach was in knots. Our lips were nearly touching, and as I went into finally seal the deal, she backed away. OUCH! I couldn’t lie that stung a bit. I fucking misread every signal, every sign.
“I’m sorry,” She leaned forward quickly, out of my arms.
“No, I’m sorry. I thought you wanted me too. I know you’re upset, and I wasn’t trying to take advantage.” I couldn’t even finish my sentence before she interrupted.
“I know. It’s just that,” she sighed heavily. “I am still mad at you Travis. I can’t do this right now. We haven’t even talked about the whole situation. You don’t know how thankful I am that you came here tonight and helped me through this, but it doesn’t change anything.”
I was such an idiot. I couldn’t believe I even thought she’d want me. “You’re right. I should have never crossed that line.” The fucking invisible line.
“It’s not about crossing a line. We have to discuss what happened between us sooner or later. I’m not sure w
hat this is between us now, but we can’t just walk away from the past. We have to talk about it.”
“So there is a this?” I pointed between the two of us.
“No,” her response was fast and loud, and definitely clear. “I mean, ugh I don’t know what I mean.” I stood up from the bed.
“It’s okay, I got it.”
“Travis, you don’t understand.” She pleaded, in a soft but firm voice.
“What’s there to understand? I get it. I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Her voice rose. Her eyes narrowed.
“Then tell me Sawyer. What did you mean?”
“I’m not ready for any kind of relationship. With you or anyone for that matter. I’m still pissed off at you. Don’t you get it?”
“I got it.” Slowly I took two steps backwards towards the door, continuously nodding my head. “Besides, I didn’t say anything about a relationship anyway.” My eyes narrowed in anger. I could tell in her expression that my words stung a bit. Could I take them back? Did I really want to? “You need to rest. I’m just gonnago.” I wasn’t ready to discuss this tonight. All I wanted to do was make a quick exit and save at least a little face. A huge part of me was angry at her for sending me mixed signals, but an even bigger part of me felt angry because no matter what she said, I crossed the line when I tried to kiss her. My words didn’t help either.She was clearly upset. There were right times and wrong ones. This was the wrong time. And as mad as she was right now, there would probably never be a right one. I was an ass.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m pretty tired.” She looked up at me with those tear filled brown eyes. There was no way I could be angry at her when she looked at me like that. Why did I always find a way to screw up around her? It’s almost as if I threw all of the sane things to do out the window before I saw her, causing me to screw up big time. I knew exactly what those sad eyes meant.
Escaping Heartbreak Page 6