by Marie Yates
Daniel Moore…Dan Moore…Danny Moore…there are thousands. I’ve never looked before and I don’t really know why I just did, but how would I even start trying to find him? I don’t want to find him. He has never been interested in me so I shouldn’t care about him, but I don’t want Sammy to be my new ‘dad’.
I looked for a while, lists of men with the same name and I had absolutely no idea if one of them was my dad. I was looking at the pictures, wondering if any of them looked a bit like me. How sad is that? I wonder if he has ever done the same thing with my name. If he has, he’s never bothered to try and make contact. He could be dead for all I know.
Well, I’m in for a very (un)Happy Christmas. Mum has just marched up the stairs, announcing that she’s going out and she’ll be back late. It doesn’t take a genius to work out whom she’s going to see. Before she slammed my bedroom door (now who’s being childish) she said, ‘You have your own way, Dani, I won’t invite Sammy over for lunch. He’ll be on his own and I thought it would be nice to offer him lunch, but you can’t see past yourself. I don’t want him to come here and have a miserable day, which is what will probably happen while you’re behaving like this.’
Great. I should feel happy that he’s not coming. I’m relieved that he won’t be in the house but I don’t feel happy and don’t feel like I’ve ‘got my own way’. I just can’t explain why I’m feeling like this and Mum is now way too angry to listen even if I did want to talk. If she’s worried about him being on his own, Mum should go to his house and burn some lunch for him. I’ll be perfectly happy here with Reggie and a cupboard full of Christmas chocolate. I know she’d never do that and wouldn’t leave me on my own on Christmas Day, no matter how cross she is, but I think I’d actually quite like it.
I bet she’s telling Sammy all about what a bitch I’m being. He’s probably feeling relieved he doesn’t have to come over but I bet he’d never admit to it. Anyway, now I’m home alone I can go and make some dinner (toast)!
Twenty-two
It’s been a really crappy Christmas. Sammy didn’t come over yesterday and even though Mum was trying to make it an all right day, there were a couple of digs about ‘people who are alone at this time of year’. Usually we have a laugh about Mum burning something or the smoke alarm going off. Yesterday, it was just a weird silence while we ate dinner and tried not to say anything that would start another argument. Mum might as well have gone to his house as she spent most of the afternoon on the phone to him, so I went out with Reggie. Even in the freezing cold, I was much more relaxed being out of the house. It was a relief to escape.
Today, we’ve been occupied so it’s been easier. We took Reggie over to see Amie and all five of us (including Amie’s mum) went out for a walk. Yesterday was the first time I’d taken Reggie out in a couple of days and I’d missed him. Mum had been walking him, I think it was just an excuse to get away from me, and I hadn’t really left my room unless I had to. I needed to do the things I’d been trying to get Amie to do.
I felt like a total loser today though. I’ve been saying to Amie that she can decide to do the things that make her happy; that she can try and focus by using the diary I’d given her; and that she had choice over how she filled her days. I haven’t been doing that over the last few days. I’ve been in my room, wishing that I didn’t have to get out of bed and gradually feeling worse and worse about myself.
I didn’t realise how low I was feeling until Amie said, ‘Hey, Dani, you’re supposed to be cheering me up aren’t you? You look like how I feel.’
Who am I to try and advise Amie when I can’t motivate myself at the moment?
‘It’s not that you don’t have crappy days, it’s that you know how to get yourself out of them,’ I said.
‘How are you going to do that then?’ was her smart arse reply.
‘Good question.’
I felt better though just being out of the house. I was trying to show Amie the ‘roll over’ trick that I’d been teaching Reggie, but he was more interested in trying to find a squirrel that he was convinced had climbed up a nearby tree. I’ll never be more interesting than a squirrel, no matter how much Reggie loves me.
We were laughing at him as he had his front legs (or arms, as Amie called them) up the tree and he was half-crying, half-barking at the squirrel who had jumped through the trees and escaped a long time ago.
‘So what’ve you been doing to try and help herself feel a bit better,’ I asked her.
‘Well, I’ve written in the diary and it’s good as I can say things in it that I really can’t say to other people.’
‘Can’t you talk to the therapist about it?’
Amie pulled a face. ‘No way, the crazy lady will just tell me to be kind to myself in her annoying, patronising voice while all I want to do is run out of the session.’
I laughed as I had an image of this woman trying to be ‘helpful’ while actually just making Amie feel worse about herself. That’s definitely not the point of therapy. Writing in the diary had to be a better alternative.
‘I do write in the diary too,’ I said. ‘But, to be honest, I haven’t exactly been writing down my goals and stuff.’
‘Does it make a difference?’ she asked.
I don’t have to think about this, it really does. I haven’t been doing it for a little while though and I’ve totally lost focus. I know the stuff with Mum hasn’t been helping, but I haven’t really been doing anything that well recently. Sixth Form isn’t going well, I’m going to taekwondo but I need to do a lot more work for my next grading, I haven’t spent as much time with Reggie as I usually would…and I feel like total crap.
So I answered, ‘Yeah, I notice a difference.’
We promised each other that we’d make an effort to do it properly, exactly as Jane had suggested, this evening…
So here goes:
Goals
• It is February and I have passed my grading in taekwondo.
• It is February and I am up to date will all of my assignments for Sixth Form.
• I have not missed any lessons at Sixth Form and been to every taekwondo training session for the whole of January – no matter what Katie says about going into town!
• I have spent more time with Reggie, going out for walks, because it’s good for both of us.
That should keep me busy in January. This is better than New Year’s resolutions as they never work, but I know this has helped me before. I also need to prove to Amie that it works and I know that not writing it down makes me feel like crap, so I haven’t got anything to lose.
Success
• I successfully ruined Christmas for Mum. Okay, so that isn’t what I should be writing but I don’t think I have any successes. That’s bad, I need some in January.
Gratitude
• I’m definitely grateful for today. Seeing Amie was more helpful for me than it was for her, I think.
• I am grateful that it didn’t rain today so we could have a great walk with my main man. It’s never as much fun in the rain. I’m grateful for him making us laugh too.
I feel a bit better just writing those things down, but won’t admit to Amie that I couldn’t think of a success!
Twenty-three
O.M.G. My head hurts. I’ve just arrived home from Katie’s and need to lie down, with a bucket not too far away. She decided to host a New Year’s Eve party as none of us knew what to do to celebrate and her mum was staying at a friend’s house. As long as it was only a small group of us, we tidied up after ourselves and she didn’t get a phone call from the police, we were allowed to stay over. Bailey, her dog, had a sleepover at our house with Reggie to make sure he was safe, and there was a part of me that wanted to stay at home with them.
Mum sent me a photo of Bailey and Reggie curled up together on the sofa so I think they both enjoyed the evening.
Katie said it was okay to invite Frankie, and Callie brought one of her new arty friends, Hannah. So including Katie and Maya, ther
e were six of us. I’m pretty sure the only reason we were having this girls’ night in was because Cal, her boyfriend, had plans with his family, but I’m not complaining as I would have been stuck at home otherwise. I was in charge of bringing pizza, and I am now regretting the fact I also took garlic bread because I can’t get the taste out of my mouth. Everyone else brought stuff too but Callie and Hannah decided it wouldn’t be a proper party without alcohol.
They made cocktails and had brought vodka jellies. I have no idea if I was even awake at midnight, but I was definitely in the bathroom before the sun came up. Frankie, Callie and Hannah are obviously more hard-core than Katie, Maya and me as we were all sick. It wasn’t how I wanted to spend the first day of the New Year.
One good thing about drinking last night was that I totally forgot that Sammy was probably staying at our house. I don’t care about him being in the house when I’m not there, but he’s not making friends with my dog.
He wasn’t here when I came home, but Mum was. She took one look at me and started her lecture about responsible drinking. I would have stayed to listen but had to run to the bathroom. I’m pretty sure I heard her laughing as I ran up the stairs. If this is how you feel after drinking, then I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about.
As I found my way out of the bathroom, Mum appeared with a glass of water and some paracetamol. She said we’d talk again later. Great, there’s something to look forward to. Katie and her mum are coming over to collect Bailey this evening so we can probably expect a double lecture. We did help Katie tidy up before we left so at least we don’t have to prepare for a lecture about that too. Well, I say ‘help Katie’ but we were all tidying up while she was still being sick in the bathroom. She can clean up in there all by herself!
I did have a laugh last night, but I was having a laugh before the drinks came out. At least I can remember that bit of the night. I remember feeling a little bit out of control, and I didn’t like that. I felt safe with the girls and knew that we were okay, but there was no way I would feel safe like that if I was in town. I guess there are some things about what happened that do make me scared when the other girls are just going out for a laugh.
I’m glad to be home, in my own bed. Reggie and Bailey are playing in the garden, which is really cute. I think they’ll miss each other. Mum said that they had been inseparable all night and that she hoped we could spend more time with Katie and her mum this year as we all need friends, including Reggie. She’s not wrong, and Reggie looks so happy.
I had a ‘Happy New Year’ text from Amie, which was a nice surprise, and hopefully a sign that she’s feeling a bit better. She said that she’d started the New Year by writing in her diary and that I needed to do the same.
Okay, so I’ve written but need to look at the other stuff too, even though I’m really not in the mood. If Amie can do it, I can definitely do it.
Goals…they’re the same but writing them again should kick start my motivation as soon as my headache goes away.
• It is February and I have passed my grading in taekwondo.
• It is February and I am up to date will all of my assignments for Sixth Form.
• I have not missed any lessons at Sixth Form and been to every taekwondo training session for the whole of January.
• I have spent more time with Reggie, going out for walks, because it’s good for both of us.
Success
• I successfully cooked pizza and garlic bread. I know that’s not much of an achievement but I am quite proud of myself!
• I won our stupid game of musical chairs last night, even though it was mainly because Frankie fell off the chair and I then sat on it.
I definitely need better ‘successes’ this year as these aren’t going to get me anywhere!
Gratitude
• I really am grateful to Katie for last night. Being with a group of friends enjoying a party was brilliant.
• I’m grateful to Amie for her text and motivating me to do this.
• I’m grateful that I am about to start a brand new year and it’s full of possibilities.
• I’m very grateful for Mum bringing me paracetamol.
I didn’t hear the doorbell but due to the volume of barking, I think Katie and her mum are here. It’s time to enjoy the double lecture and say goodbye to Bailey.
Twenty-four
So far so good with the New Year goal setting. I’ve been training hard and today I was told I’d be able to go for my new belt at my next grading. That’s a double grading and I’ve only been offered the chance because they can see how hard I’ve been working. I definitely needed to get back to training after eating everything in the house over the holiday. They didn’t go easy on us so I think I’m going to be very sore tomorrow.
Now I need to get back on track with assignments too. It’s much more fun to work hard at taekwondo! I have a couple of days before Sixth Form starts again so the plan was to catch up, but instead, Jane’s here. She was supposed to be here last week but was ill so is spending her last couple of days off with us now. I’ve escaped for a break as I’ve already had the start of a lecture on how I’m not being fair to Mum about Sammy.
Jane’s totally taking Mum’s side on this. I expected her to, but she should be able to understand why I’m finding it hard. Of all people, I shouldn’t have to try and explain to her. I just can’t find the words. We’re all going out for dinner later so Jane can meet Sammy and I’ve promised to be nice. I don’t want to go, but I’d much rather go out than for him to come here.
Jane keeps saying that Mum is really happy and that she deserves happiness with Sammy. I have never questioned that. Of course I don’t want her to be miserable, but when someone says that, it makes me feel like I’ve been the cause of her unhappiness as she gave up her life to raise me. Now that I’m older, she can do what she probably wanted to do all this time. I wish I could be relaxed about it and I will try tonight, but I feel uncomfortable about him being in the house if I’m here too.
I’d tried saying this to Jane and she’d nodded, but then started talking about how change is never easy and that it’s been the two of us for so long, blah, blah, blah…
‘That’s not what I mean,’ I had answered, surprised at myself. ‘I’m scared about a man being in the house. About me coming out of the bathroom and a man being there. About me being asleep in bed and a man being in the next room.’ I burst into tears and ran upstairs. That shut her up, briefly.
‘Sorry, Dani,’ said Jane. She’d followed me into my room. ‘Of course you’re scared.’
We’d talked but it didn’t make any difference to how I felt about him being in the house, but I compromised with, ‘Okay, Jane…I’ll make an effort to get to know him. It’s becoming more and more obvious that he’s not going anywhere, anyway.’
Jane laughed. ‘I know your mum really does like him. Your mum likes me too, so her taste can’t be that bad.’
I kept quiet as the thought of someone else trying to turn everything into a psychological assessment sounded very tiring. Maybe if I got to know him, it would be less scary to think of him coming over to the house. I wasn’t sure it would, but at the moment he could be anyone and Jane had at least agreed that that was a scary thought.
Not freaking out about tonight’s dinner was a good start, and it’d keep Mum happy for now.
Jane went on to ask me to list three things I liked about him so far, based on the tiny bit I knew about him.
I did like his car, but that sounded quite shallow if it was the first thing I could think of. I thought about it and said, ‘He was nice to me, Jane. He asked me questions about the things I like and wasn’t too pushy.’ There, that wasn’t shallow for a first answer. Then I added, ‘He was nice to Mum, too, when we were out.’ Oh yes, I was on a roll. Then I couldn’t think of another thing so added in that he had a nice car.
I was quite pleased with myself, and Jane went away happy, so it was a win-win. Tonight should be ok
ay as he’ll probably be nervous about meeting Jane and about me being there whereas I’m just going to find it funny watching Jane analyse him. The poor guy has no idea what he’s in for.
Jane also asked how I was doing with Amie and if she could help. I said there was nothing she could do but that we were both using the diary idea and it was helping. Here goes mine:
Goals
• It is February and I have passed my DOUBLE grading in taekwondo.
• It is February and I am up to date will all of my assignments for Sixth Form.
• I have not missed any lessons at Sixth Form and been to every taekwondo training session for the whole of January.
• I have spent more time with Reggie, going out for walks, and taught him the ‘roll over’ trick. It’s still a work in progress but we’re having fun!
Success
• I’ve been asked to go for my new belt. I’m excited that they can see I’ve been putting the effort in.
• I came up with three things that weren’t terrible about Sammy – that’s impressive!
Gratitude
• Even though she can be a little bit annoying, I’m grateful that Jane has come to see us for a couple of days.
• I’m grateful that taekwondo has started again before I actually turn into a Christmas pudding.
• I’m grateful that Jane is coming to dinner tonight so there’s less pressure on me.
Okay, it’s time to find my favourite jeans and a different hoodie, after all, I’m the only one young enough to be wearing one!
Twenty-five