by Marie Yates
I was quite nervous. It was the first time that Sammy had come with us to something like this. We’ve been out for meals, and I know that he takes Reggie out for walks with Mum quite often, but we’ve never done something like this. Reggie was beyond excited when we all got into the car and he realised that he had all of his favourite people in one place. Sammy is actually good with Reggie and I think Reggie enjoys having him around. I should listen to what Reggie is telling me, as he’s a good judge of character.
I didn’t enter Reggie into any of the other categories, as last time he was quite tired by the time he got to the trick competition. I wanted him to be alert and at his best! There was a strong chance that I was taking this way too seriously.
He was amazing. We’d been practicing and he did me proud. The only slight blip was when the judge came to present him with his rosette and he tried to eat it. We pinned it to his harness, out of reach and then he became much more interested in the bag of toys and treats I’d been given on his behalf. The rosette was no longer of any interest whatsoever as he stuck his head in the bag and came out with a squeaky ball.
‘He can never be accused of being a scary dog,’ said the judge, laughing at Reggie who was making the most of his moment in the spotlight.
‘Never,’ I replied.
As we walked out of the ring, with Reggie now annoying the other dogs with his squeaking, we saw a woman running towards us through the crowd. Before I realised who it was, Reggie dropped his ball and pulled me towards her. She knelt down to greet him and his tail was wagging so fast I’m definitely going to have bruises.
‘Oh wow, Bev, hello,’ Mum squealed as everyone was getting way too excited.
I then realised who it was that my boy was covering in slobbery kisses. Bev was the lady from the rescue centre who had looked after Reggie. She had helped us, teaching us everything we needed to know about him. She cried when we took him home. She had grown very attached to him and said that if it wasn’t for her own house full of dogs, she’d have taken him home herself.
I couldn’t believe that Reggie remembered her. There was absolutely no doubt that he knew exactly who Bev was and he made it clear that he was ecstatic to see her. I didn’t know that dogs had that ability.
Bev was crying, at least, I think they were tears and not just Reggie’s slobber as she told us, ‘It’s the best feeling in the world when I see one of the rescue dogs doing so well with their new family.’
Now, I know that Reggie loves me and I know that he loves Mum and maybe Sammy, but today when we were all sitting together and catching up, he chose to go and lie next to Bev. He leaned in to her as she stroked him and looked at her with such adoration as she was telling him how happy she was for him. It was as if he was thanking her and letting her know that he was doing just fine. Sammy offered to take a picture of us so that Bev could share the success story for other people who were looking to rescue a dog.
‘No, we’ll get someone else to take it, Reggie would want you in the picture too,’ I said. I guess that was our first ‘family’ photograph.
I left Reggie snoring on the sofa, using his new squeaky ball as a pillow and went to the party. I didn’t want to tell anyone about the show as I already think I talk about Reggie too much, but I spent most of the evening with Frankie and told her about our second place.
‘Don’t tell Reggie, but second place is first loser,’ was her way of saying ‘congratulations’. ‘That’s really cool,’ she added. ‘So am I right in thinking you keep telling me to piss off because you’re playing with Reggie and not because you’re revising?’
‘I’m doing both,’ I said.
She didn’t look too impressed but started telling me about her visit to see her army friend and I was soon forgiven.
I had a laugh tonight, I felt like I was part of something. There were lots of people I recognised but had never spoken to and it didn’t matter. Most people were dancing and having a drink while Frankie and I chilled out and chatted. Maya joined us for a while but said we were way too boring and the last I saw of her she was dancing with some guy I’d never seen before. Needless to say, Katie and her boyfriend, Cal, were inseparable.
Today has been a really good day but it’s back to reality soon, with exams to get through. Taekwondo and Reggie will keep me sane and I definitely need to make more time to see Frankie as I always have a good time when I’m with her.
Fifty
I haven’t written in here much for the last couple of weeks. It’s been so busy now that the exams are only days away but not much has actually happened. It has been a constant cycle of walkies, Sixth Form, revision, walkies, taekwondo, more revision. Mum started to take Reggie out for me in the mornings but I found that I felt worse and couldn’t concentrate as much when I didn’t take him. Getting up and having a laugh with Reggie switches my brain on. Mum wasn’t going to argue with that.
I saw Amie yesterday and she has really got into this book writing project. They have to hand it in as part of their coursework so I’ve promised her that I’ll make some time to see her in the next week.
‘It’s not like we actually have to write it yet,’ she said. ‘We just have to decide what we’re going to do so I can write the business plan.’
She sounded like she really knew what she was talking about, and when I left her house, I honestly believed that we could make it happen. I felt excited about it, but I know what I’m like and I’m easily distracted from revision so I’m doing my best not to think about it too much.
I had a ‘miss u’ text from Frankie this morning and I realised I had been really rubbish at making time to see her.
It’s weird because I really want to see her but I’m almost nervous about picking up the phone to text her and arrange something. ‘What if she’s sick of me?’ or ‘What if she thinks I’m a loser?’ are questions that go around my head when I haven’t heard from her for a couple of days. Then, she’ll send me a message and the fears go away for a little while.
I replied and asked her if she was free over the weekend. We’re going to go into town and ‘revise’ over a pizza. Mum said that she would only give me a lift if she saw that I was taking revision books with me. Deal. That’ll be a good distraction just before the exams start.
Taekwondo is going well and I’m working hard for my next belt. On training days, I come home and I’m buzzing, so I make the most of it and get some revision done too. I’m definitely feeling focused and am sticking to the revision timetable as much as I can. I’m just not sure if it’s going to be enough. It’s been a tough year, with ups and downs, so I don’t know if I’ve missed too much to be able to catch up now. I’m trying though.
‘Yes, you’re very trying,’ is what my comedy genius mother comes back with when I say that.
Jane called to ask how revision was going and to check I was looking after myself. I think she was impressed with how I’d been sticking to the plan, and said that she didn’t mind that I was using Jaffa Cakes, my comfort eating food, as my revision snacks as long as I was exercising and sticking to my plan.
Jaffa Cakes are usually a sign that I’m heading to the dark place and I’m in need of comfort and distraction. I hadn’t thought about it, but I’d been feeling great and working hard, enjoying them as a snack. Jane said that this was progress and its things like this that show just how far I’ve come.
That woman really can find a message in anything, even biscuits. I told her that I’d been finding out about Sport Psychology. ‘The sounds perfect,’ she said, sounding almost as excited as I was when I first started researching it. ‘A friend of mine from uni is a Sport Psychologist so if you want, I could see if you could do some work experience over the summer.’
I have never been more excited about the thought of ‘working’ over the summer.
‘Exams first, and then I’ll see what I can arrange,’ Jane said. A clear instruction that I wouldn’t be getting any more information about that until after the dreaded exams. It’s as
if she knows how easily distracted I am.
I’ve had a bit of a think about my goals, especially now that I’m feeling so motivated. Things are going well for me right now, and Jane always says that’s when I mustn’t forget to write in this journal.
Goals
• It’s August and I have my next belt in taekwondo – My red colour coding on my timetable is probably the only thing I’ve stuck to. I’m training hard and loving it.
• I have handed in all of my assignments on time, ready to focus on the exams. Yes! I handed in the last one yesterday and it was an amazing feeling, until I remembered that I still had to pass the exams!
• I have stuck to my revision plan every day. Almost every day. That counts.
• I will walk into every exam knowing I am prepared. To do this, I have to stick to the plan and I’m doing my best. I’m feeling more prepared, but still have a lot to read.
Success
• I am proud of myself for finishing all of my assignments and I was pleased with what I’d written, and that hasn’t happened for a while.
• I’ve been making decisions that mean I feel better and I’m not taking the easy option. So, like when Mum offered to do the morning walkies and I could have stayed in bed, I knew that going out with Reggie would make me feel better.
Gratitude
• I am grateful that Amie has asked me to be part of her project. I’m excited about it.
• I’m grateful that things are going well, that there aren’t any dramas and that life is good at the moment. It has been a while since I’ve felt like things are relaxed and I’ve been able to just be a teenager.
Fifty-one
I hate exams. I hate exams more than I hate revision. I really hate revision.
Today’s exam was so hard. English is not fun at all.
Because I felt like my whole brain had been drained, I cancelled on Amie and went into town with Frankie and Maya. I just needed to be around people who understood how horrible this whole exam situation had been. I sent her a message saying how sorry I was, and that I desperately needed to revise for my next exam. She replied saying, ‘I bet you’re with Frankie, not revising.’
What was she on about? Did I talk about Frankie a lot? I didn’t think I talked about her that much? I didn’t reply because there was no way I was going to lie to Amie, even though the first message was a bit of lie I guess. I felt bad enough without having to explain myself to her.
I want to help her and I really want to work on the book with her, but my head is so focused on the exams and I don’t really want to talk about what we have to talk about.
At the moment, I am really enjoying being happy. That probably sounds stupid considering I’m in the middle of exam hell, but I’m worried about normal stuff. This time last year, I was going through exam hell and it was far from normal. I’m worried that if I start going through all the plans with Amie and we talk about what’s going in the book and how we can help other people through talking about our experiences, my brain will go back to thinking about what happened. If it does do that, I won’t be able to concentrate on the exams. I have to concentrate on the exams. I’ll sort things out with Amie and sort out another date, I shouldn’t have arranged something for today as I knew that I’d be knackered after English.
We had a laugh in town. It was the perfect way to forget about the exam and I laughed a lot. As I started to relax, I could think about the exam in a different way. Maya had taken English too and as we talked about what we’d written, I realised that I’d actually done okay. Maya is amazing at English and when I told her some of things I’d put in my answers, she said she wished she had thought of that.
‘Are you kidding?’ I asked, as it was usually Maya who was helping me with the answers.
‘Seriously, it sounds like you nailed it,’ she said when I told her about my final essay.
She made me feel a whole lot better and I really hope she’s right. I desperately hope I’ve ‘nailed it’.
Frankie burst the bubble by saying, ‘You need to do the same thing tomorrow, for the PE exam.’
Tomorrow? Argh, I needed to get home to swallow my PE books before yet another day of hell.
Mum came to pick me up and she had Reggie in the car who looked as bad as he smelt. ‘Don’t ask,’ Mum said as I got in the car. ‘I’ll bath him when we get home.’
Reggie had obviously had a fun walk, even if Mum hadn’t! I was not sorry I’d missed that walk.
‘I’ll make dinner while you get on with your revision,’ she added, and she ushered Reggie into the garden.
‘Thanks, I need brain food,’ I said. She laughed and told me that she could only promise ‘food’.
Before I attempted to read about sporty type things, I messaged Amie:
Hey, I’m really sorry about 2day. The exam was soooooo hard and I have another 1 tomo. I shouldn’t have promised to come over 2day, my fault. I do really want to work on this with you. I feel bad about letting u down. Are u free this wkend? I don’t have exams until Wed next wk. Pls? x
Amie messaged straight back saying that it was okay, I had to pass my exams and that her mum would sort the weekend out with my mum. I reckoned that was because she wanted a day out with Reggie. I couldn’t blame her.
I feel better now I’ve said ‘sorry’ and that we have another date to meet up.
I’m sitting here writing this. I should be revising. My brain is empty. There should be loads of room now that I’ve got rid of all the ‘English’ information, but I’m just so tired. I tried reading through my notes and the words just don’t make any sense. I think I need to have some Reggie time, have dinner and then try again before I go to bed. I might wait until Mum has bathed him because he did not smell good at all. I have just put a huge ‘tick’ through today’s exam on my timetable and that felt good. One down.
Goals
• It’s August and I have my next belt in taekwondo – I’ll be training after tomorrow’s exam, I reckon I’ll need to hit things afterwards!
• I have stuck to my revision plan every day. Today is a bit of a fail, but I’ll do some reading after dinner.
• I will walk into every exam knowing I am prepared. I did actually feel okay this morning, and even though I’m not reading at the moment, I have already done loads of revision for tomorrow.
Success
• I wrote lots of words in today’s exam. Considering it’s an English exam, I’m taking that as a success.
Gratitude
• I am grateful that Amie has forgiven me for today. I’ll make it up to her and be extra helpful this weekend.
• I’m grateful to Maya for making me feel loads better about today’s exam. I actually think I might have done okay, which is a good feeling.
• I’m grateful that I had a fun afternoon and that I’m not too freaked out about tomorrow.
Fifty-two
That’s it. No more exams. Today has been horrible and amazing. It started out okay, was then horrible thanks to the most difficult exam EVER, and then was amazing thanks to the best taekwondo session EVER.
I’d been feeling okay about the exams; I was as prepared as I could have been. There’s always more I could have done, but I did my best. I stuck to the revision timetable as much as I could have and I did go into each exam feeling prepared. Nervous, but prepared.
This morning was just crazy. Looking around the room, I wasn’t the only one who was wondering if they were in the right exam. I didn’t really have to worry about the answers because I was too busy worrying about making sense of the questions. Any dream I had of finishing the exams on a high was shattered as soon as I opened the paper.
Until today, I’d only worried about whether I’d answered the questions properly, how much I had missed or whether I could have added more. Today, I left wondering if my answer made any sense at all because I didn’t understand the question in the first place. I just wrote down everything I knew, in the hope that someone would give me some marks
. The only thing that made me feel better was that everyone else did the same thing.
‘Nufink u can do ‘bout it now, dude. It’s summer holibobs 4 u! x,’ was Frankie’s reply when I told her how horrible it had been.
She’s right, no more Sixth Form for the summer. We can come and get our results to make sure that we’re allowed back in September, but that’s it. Finished. No more revision. No more exams. Not for me anyway. Frankie has her last exam tomorrow and we’re all going out for the day to celebrate surviving exam hell.
Back in my room, I put the biggest ‘tick’ through today’s exam. The final thing on my timetable. Then, I took it off the wall, screwed it up into a ball and Reggie and I played football with it in the garden until it was completely destroyed. That felt soooooooo good. All I wanted to do was lie down and watch the TV. It felt surreal, not having anything to do. I was knackered and started to talk myself out of going to taekwondo.
I’m so glad I dragged my tired arse to the session. In the panic about the exam, I’d forgotten that we had a guest trainer coming. Steph is one of the most successful female taekwondo players in the UK and within seconds, I wasn’t feeling tired any more. I was feeling more motivated than ever.
She was like Jane on speed, with the taekwondo skills to match her amazingly positive attitude. Just being in the same room as her made me feel like I could achieve everything I ever dreamed of, and then some. Not only was she a sporting champion, she was an engineer, succeeding in a male dominated world, a mum of two small humans and three big canines. She made me laugh because she talked about her dogs more than she talked about her children.
She talked to us about how she had used taekwondo to help her through the difficult times and how it had kept her sane. She didn’t tell us what the difficult times were, and it didn’t matter. We all have different stuff to deal with and everyone in the room knew that taekwondo was the best way to get some focus back.