“Oh yes. I wanted to ask you what happened with that engagement, but with everything going on at the ball, I forgot.”
“I didn’t realize it at the time, but he didn’t return my feelings. Looking back, it was obvious. He didn’t take the time to come visit me. I had to go to a social occasion where we could be together. When we were together, he didn’t say much. I was the one who did most of the talking.” With a shrug, she added, “I was so wrapped up in what I wanted that I missed the subtle hints. He’s better off with the lady he ended up with.”
“Do you wish he had married you?”
She thought over the question. In as little time as a month ago, she would have said yes, but now that she thought about it, that was a selfish response. “No,” she finally said. “I hate to admit it, but his wife is a wonderful person. She makes him happy. I don’t think I could have done that for him.” Even now, it wasn’t easy to say, but there was no denying it was the truth.
After a long moment of silence passed, he asked, “Mind if I make an observation?”
“No.”
“You wouldn’t have been happy with him, either.” Tad leaned toward her, his voice soothing and his gaze comforting. “It might have worked for a short time, but when one person doesn’t want to be in the relationship, it takes its toll over time. Years from now, you would have finally realized his love was cold, and it would have left you empty. At least this way, you were spared a lifetime of feeling rejected.”
Yes, he was probably right. She hadn’t taken the time to look at things that way before. If she had married Anthony and he had only gone through with it because of Celia, then he would probably have resented both her and Celia for trapping him into a marriage he didn’t want. Marriage was forever, and forever was a very long time. And she wouldn’t have wanted him seeking a mistress. That would have hurt more than being jilted before the wedding.
“I suppose he did me a favor without realizing it,” she said.
“He did.” Tad placed his hand on the small of her back. “Trust me. I have a lot of experience in this area. I’ve seen ladies stuck in such marriages. They aren’t happy. It’s why they seek lovers. They’re looking for something to fill the void in their lives.”
“Is that why married ladies sought you out? I heard you had been with some of them in the past.”
He brought his hand back to his lap and nodded. “It’s not something I’m proud of, but yes. I was a distraction for them, and,” he paused, “I preferred ladies that were married because I didn’t have to commit myself to them. For me, life was all about having as much fun as possible without any of the responsibilities that should go with it. So when things were no longer fun, I ended the affair.”
She almost didn’t ask the question that popped up in her mind, but since they were both sharing things about their past, she thought if she didn’t do it now, then she might never get another chance. “Did you ever do anything with ladies who weren’t married, or did you restrict your activities to the married ones?”
“I was with a few single ones,” he slowly replied. “The problem with the single ladies is that they aren’t married but they wish to be. Ending the relationship was always difficult, and some more so than others. At the beginning, I made it clear to them that I was not interested in marriage. I was a rake, and I enjoyed going from one bed to another. I didn’t lie to any of them, and each one promised she could accept that. Except, several couldn’t. In that case, things didn’t end well.”
“But what if you had gotten one in the family way? I know a married lady could say the child was her husband’s, but what about the ones who didn’t have a husband?”
“I wore a sheath each time.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. In all of the things Celia had told her in confidence, nothing had ever involved a sheath.
“It goes over the male part of the gentleman.” He studied her expression. “Do you know the differences between gentlemen and ladies?”
Her cheeks warmed. “Yes. I had a friend explain it to me.” Celia always knew much more than her in such things. “I know what the male part is. I haven’t seen one, but I know what it is.”
“Well, when a gentleman puts a sheath over it, it prevents his seed from going into the lady.”
“Do you still have one so I can look at it?”
“No. When I made my vow of celibacy, I threw mine away. I have no need for something I’m not going to use.”
She sighed in disappointment. It would have been interesting to see one.
“You’re not missing anything,” he said. “The whole thing of being a rake is not as fun and exciting as it seems. Yes, there is a thrill at the moment. The pursuit of pleasure entertains for a season, but there is a cost to it. I don’t look back on that time of my life with fondness. There are a lot of regrets I have to live with, and there are some people I have a difficult time around because of it. You should be glad you’re a virgin. You’re untainted by the world. I wish I had stayed that way. There was a lot of pain and heartache I left behind me.”
Noting the sorrow in his voice, she touched his shoulder. “Perhaps we are more similar than you think. All we want is to be better than who we used to be. We’re just doing it in different ways.”
Since there didn’t seem to be anything else to say on the topic at the moment, she stood up. She figured they had discussed things far more personal than either one had intended. While they were husband and wife, they didn’t have the typical marriage.
“I should get changed for dinner,” she said. “I’ll see you in about an hour.”
As she headed for the doors, he called out her name, so she turned back to face him. “I hope you don’t make any changes to the gown you’re wearing,” he told her. “I like the way it looks on you.”
Pleased, her face warmed. “You do?”
He nodded. “I know you think the gown Celia gave you for the ball is your best one, but I think the one you’re wearing right now is a lot better. The changes you made to it suit you very well.”
“I’m surprised to hear that because it’s not very fancy.”
“A gown doesn’t have to be fancy to bring out the best features in a lady.”
She had no reason to doubt he was telling her the truth. One nice thing about him was that she never had to guess what he was thinking. He wasn’t like Anthony. Anthony never told her what he was thinking. She used to think he was shy, but now she knew better. He’d been afraid of telling her how he really felt about her. With Tad, however, he came out and said exactly what he wanted.
“I’ll keep this gown as it is,” she promised before she left.
Chapter Fifteen
It took Loretta a good week to work up the courage to see Anthony. Even though Tad was right and she was better off not having married Anthony, it was still awkward to stand in his drawing room and wait for him. She paced the floor in front of the settee. She couldn’t sit down. She tried that when she first came in, but then she felt as if she was going to lose her lunch and had to stand back up. Nerves always had a way of doing this to her.
She stopped pacing, took a deep breath, and slowly released it. That was a little better. Not much. But a little. Then, since there was nothing else to do, she started pacing again.
Footsteps approached, and she turned toward the door. The important thing was to act confident. She must not, under any circumstance, let him know how difficult this was for her.
To her surprise, when Anthony entered the room, she didn’t experience the fluttering sensation in her stomach she was used to whenever he was in the same room with her. There was still the awkwardness, but it was something altogether different.
He paused as soon as he saw her. “The butler must be mistaken. I think he meant to get Celia. She’s upstairs resting. I can get her for you.”
“No. The butler was right. I wanted to speak with you.” Then, so he didn’t think it had to do with their past, she added, “It’s about Celia.” She glanced ou
t the doorway. “Do you think she’ll come down here any time soon?”
“No. She spends a couple of hours in her bedchamber in the afternoons, unless she’s expecting you to visit or she needs to go somewhere.”
In that case, she decided not to ask him to shut the doors. She gestured to the chair across from the settee. “I’ll try to make this quick.”
He hesitated but went to the chair and sat in it. “What do you wish to discuss?”
She wiped her sweaty palms on her gown and settled on the settee. Clearing her throat, she clasped her hands together and, with another glance at the doorway to make sure Celia wasn’t there, she began, “I need you to tell me the truth about something, even if you know it’s something I don’t want to hear.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “What does this have to do with Celia?”
“Everything. We both know how much she’s in love with Corin.” Or maybe he wasn’t aware of it. To be sure, she asked, “Are you aware of how she feels about him?”
He shifted uncomfortably in the chair. “Yes, but it won’t do her any good. Corin doesn’t share the same feelings for her.”
Her shoulders slouched. “That’s what I was afraid of. Tad—that is, my husband—said he noticed it at the Duke of Silverton’s ball, and Lady Eloise suggested the same.”
“Celia’s aware of it, too. I told her Corin had no interest in her.”
He did? “When was this?”
“Over a month ago.”
That couldn’t be possible. “When she’s with me and the members of Ladies of Grace, she speaks as if she’s going to marry him.”
He let out a long sigh. “I know. She doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m trying to keep them apart.”
Surprised, she asked, “Why would she think that?”
He shrugged. “Who knows why Celia thinks anything she does? I’ve given up trying to understand her.”
Well, this conversation didn’t help matters at all. It only seemed to complicate them. If Celia wasn’t going to listen to her brother, then what made Loretta think she was going to listen to her? What Celia needed was to hear it directly from Corin himself.
“Has Corin told her that he has no interest in her?” Loretta asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Can you ask him?”
“He doesn’t like to talk about her. He says it gives him a headache.”
“But this is important. Celia could be spending her time searching for another gentleman to marry instead of waiting for Corin. This is her second Season. If she doesn’t secure someone soon, it’s going to be even harder next year.”
“I know that.”
“You must speak with Corin about this. If he tells her, then she’s bound to listen.” When Anthony didn’t seem convinced, she added, “If you had told me you didn’t want to marry me, I would have listened.”
A flicker of guilt crossed his face, so she chose to act on it.
“She needs to hear it from Corin,” she insisted. “If she doesn’t, she’s going to end up a spinster because she’ll be waiting for someone she’ll never get. She refuses to accept anyone’s suit because she’s waiting for Corin.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Then you’ll explain to Corin that he needs to be forthright in his feelings for her.” When he didn’t answer, she added, “Anthony, if you want to spare Celia a lot of pain and humiliation, you must do this.”
She waited for him to assure her that he would do just that, but he only squirmed in the chair. She frowned. Why hadn’t she noticed what a coward he was before? No wonder he hadn’t confided in her that he had no desire to marry her. No wonder Celia had been able to coax him into agreeing to whatever she’d wanted over the years.
She couldn’t imagine Tad being such a weakling. He came out and said exactly what he wanted. If he had been in Anthony’s position, he would have told her it was never going to work between them. He would have been as kind as possible while doing so, but he never would have gotten betrothed to her and then run off to marry someone else to avoid having to face her.
The last of the awkwardness slipped away and in its place was a measure of disgust. If Damara hadn’t come along, he probably would have married her because he would have been too afraid to get out of the situation. Then what? He would have suffered in silence for the rest of his life? That wouldn’t have been a good marriage at all.
Thank goodness Damara came along when she had! Even if she and Tad didn’t have a normal marriage, at least she could respect him.
“Fine. Then I’ll have Tad talk to Corin,” Loretta said as she stood up. “Tad isn’t afraid to confront something this important.”
On her way out of the room, Anthony called out to her. Hoping he had changed his mind, that he was going to talk to Corin after all, she turned to face him.
Anthony stood up and approached her. After a moment, he said, “When Tad talks to Corin, have him tell Corin to be gentle in how he handles things with Celia. She’s going to be heartbroken.”
It was on the tip of Loretta’s tongue to snap back that he should do that himself. But it wouldn’t do any good. She couldn’t make him do something he was too afraid to do.
Gritting her teeth, she left the room. She couldn’t recall a time when she’d been more upset. To think she’d wasted tears on him! He hadn’t been worth it. Not one single tear.
She nodded to the footman on her way out of the townhouse and went down the steps. Every time she’d come here last year, she envisioned coming and going to this place as Anthony’s wife. Now she was relieved such was not the case. She had no ties to him except for her friendship to Celia, and she was glad of it.
A carriage pulled up to the front of the townhouse, and she paused when she caught sight of Damara and Iris through the carriage window. She paused. Though she had spoken to Damara recently, she hadn’t said anything to Iris since that evening she and Celia had been rude to her at the dinner party she’d attended while Iris was betrothed to Lord Steinbeck.
She considered hurrying off so she wouldn’t have to face Iris, but how would that be any better than what Anthony was doing? He refused to talk to Corin because the matter would be unpleasant, just as he’d refused to talk to her when he had the chance. She owed it to Iris to apologize to her, and Iris deserved to hear it directly from her.
Taking a deep breath, she approached the carriage. The footman came around to the side and asked, “May I help you, ma’am?”
“I just wanted to have a word with Lady Steinbeck, if that’s all right?” she asked.
With a nod, he opened the door. As soon as Damara and Iris glanced at her, they stopped laughing.
“Is everything all right?” Damara asked.
“Everything’s fine,” Loretta replied. Turning her attention to Iris, she asked, “May I have a moment of your time?”
“Yes, I suppose,” Iris slowly answered, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.
Damara stepped down from the carriage and told Iris, “I’ll see you again on Wednesday.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” Iris said with a smile.
Loretta and Damara greeted each other, and then Loretta’s gaze returned to Iris.
Iris gestured for her to join her in the carriage. “I’ll have the driver take you to your destination. Where would you like to go?”
Loretta told the coachman where she lived and then got into the carriage. Last year, if someone had told her she was going to take a carriage ride with Iris, she would have laughed. Iris would have been the last person she would be in a carriage with. But so much had changed this year. She hardly even recognized her life.
She gave one look back at the townhouse, specifically to Celia’s bedchamber window, but Celia wasn’t looking outside. She didn’t know if Celia would like it if she spoke to Iris. Celia still didn’t care for her.
Loretta wasn’t sure if Celia would understand it if she tried to explain why she had to talk to her, either. But who knew? Damara might tel
l her that Loretta had asked to speak with Iris, and she’d find out anyway. Loretta was just going to have to take the chance. If Celia got upset, she got upset. Loretta’s responsibility was to do the right thing.
Loretta got into the carriage and waited until the coachman led the horses forward before speaking. “I know I’m the last person you want to talk to.” She paused then added, “I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you at the dinner party we went to right before you married Lord Steinbeck. I don’t know if you remember that evening.”
“Yes, I remember it.”
“Well, I remember it, too. Very well, in fact. I said some rude things to you, and though I know it doesn’t change how the evening went, I’m sorry. There’s no excusing what I’ve done. I just wanted you to know that I regret the way I behaved.”
To her relief, Iris smiled, and in that moment, Loretta knew everything was going to be all right.
“I’m sorry, too,” Iris replied. “We both said things we shouldn’t have.”
“Yes, but I think I deserved what you told me.”
Iris shrugged. “It was almost a year ago. I don’t remember everything we said, but I know both of us weren’t very flattering to the other. As you said, it’s in the past. We can’t change any of it. All we can do is change how we treat each other in the future.”
“Well, I’m going to be nice to you. I don’t want to be the person I once was.”
“I think we all have things about ourselves we don’t want to be anymore,” she assured her. “I accept your apology. Will you accept mine?”
Loretta nodded. “Of course.” Though she still didn’t see how anything Iris said to her was nearly as bad as what she’d said to Iris.
But Iris was willing to forgive her, and that was what mattered. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. That was one less thing she had to look back on in her life and regret. She was surprised by how freeing it was to apologize for the wrongs she’d done. She only wished she’d done this sooner.
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