Closing the door to the lounge located next to the stalls, I paced the small room as I fanned myself. Being a virgin, I had never come close to experiencing anything so dirty but sensual at the same time. And the worst part, it wasn’t even directed at me! The guy was blessed with sexual creativity. Why the heck didn’t he use some of that imagination and gear that toward his school work?
Sure, I had read those types of sex scenes in romance books, but it was entirely different hearing them firsthand. Well, second hand in this case. But nonetheless, I had just become hyper aware of tingles and sensations caused by an actual human being.
By a guy that was sitting next me.
And the saddest part, it wasn’t Collin.
I sighed as I collapsed onto the cushioned bench. The situation wasn’t good, and every warning light was flashing.
Reason number 3 — don’t lust over something that isn’t yours.
Σ
Chapter 3
I crashed on my bed, drained from the tutoring session with Raven. The guy was the epitome of a sex laden bad boy. Filled with lust, temptation, and sin that women dreamed about experiencing.
Including me.
He opened my eyes, and I knew exactly what I was missing in my relationship with Collin.
Passion.
Intimacy.
Not to mention, sex.
I had to stop pretending that everything was all right between us because it wasn’t. If we were in love, we sure didn’t act like it. Something was wrong with this picture. But I wasn’t giving up yet. I really did care for Collin. He was a wonderful guy that treated me well — respected me, honored me, and would never do me wrong. I had to demonstrate the emotions flowing within me in hopes that he would respond willingly to my plea for his affection. I owed this to myself, to us.
Burying my head in my pillow, I prayed for strength.
“Lexi¸ wake up.” A nudge woke me from a deep sleep.
“Wh—at?” I pulled the covers over my head. “Leave me alone.”
“You promised to go to the gym with me.” Delaney pleaded, yanking the blankets off of me. A chill spread over my body, and I reached for the fleece. “C’mon Lex.”
When she shortened my name, I knew she was serious. Giving in, I rolled out of bed. “Okay. I’m up.”
As I changed my clothes, I watched Delaney carefully. She looked way too excited to go sweat and torture herself with weights and medicine balls. Although I didn’t care if she and my brother hooked up, I just wanted to know the truth. If I’d asked my brother I doubt he’d tell me anything. Even though we were close growing up, we’d distanced ourselves once we went to college. He never shared his thoughts or feelings about girls, and I sure didn’t talk to him about mine. He kept it all to himself, and I wondered if it was due to our parent’s strict up-bringing or if he was just inexperienced like me? Regardless, I’d make one of them fess up.
Delaney reached for the door knob and I stuck out my hand, stopping her from opening it. “Before we go, I need to ask you something.”
“What?” Her eyes bulged and her chest rose rapidly. “What is it?”
“What’s up between you and Luke?”
“Your brother?”
I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at her. “Yes, my brother.”
“No—thing. Why?” She pulled the rubber band out of her long, dark hair. Moving toward the mirror and away from me, she redid her pony tail. Her hands worked quickly and she fidgeted, becoming more frustrated with her strands of tangled hair.
“Don’t lie to me, Laney.”
She flung around, knowing that when I used her nickname, I meant business, too.
“Why do you think something’s up between us?” She approached me head on and I noticed that she had on too much makeup for working out. Her lips were a perfect shiny nude and her cheeks had a shimmering rose tint, not to mention a thick layer of eyeliner coupled with lashes maxed out in mascara.
“Because of the way you two have been acting around each other.”
“And how’s that? We’re not act—ing any different.”
“Seriously?” I laughed. Delaney couldn’t hold a poker face to save her life, then again, neither could I. That’s why I knew I could trust her. She was a genuine, no nonsense type of girl. An only child brought up on a farm with goats and chickens by her adopted parents, she was the wild, country girl that had basically seen and done everything before arriving to college. Despite her cute Texas twang, she warned me that she wasn’t innocent and knew how to party with the boys.
“You two have been talking a lot when I’m not around.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, adjusting her workout-top that made her boobs pop out. “I won’t talk to him again if it bothers you that much.”
“I didn’t say that.” Relaxing my shoulders, I placed my hand on her arm. “If you want to date him, I’m okay with that… I just like to know.”
She let out a deep breath. “Well, we’re not dating, so you don’t have anything to worry about.” Giving a quick glance to her phone she said, “Let’s go. I want to try out this new class called Yogalates. You should try it with me.”
“No thanks. I’m going to work out with Collin.”
“Oh.” She winked as we headed to the rec center.
If I could only be so lucky.
We entered the gym and spotted Collin and Luke at the free weights along with several other guys, testing their manhood as they grunted and moaned while pressing the weights. I had to admit the scene was divine, but I zeroed in on my guy. A thin sheen of sweat covered his face, and arms and I imagined how he would look naked, hovering over my body after a round of hot sex.
Oh my God! Why am I thinking these thoughts?
No matter how hard I tried to keep my mind from going there, I couldn’t deny what I wanted and needed from him. My body was crying out for his attention.
“I’ll meet you in an hour.” Delaney informed me as she went in the opposite direction.
“Okay, see you later.”
I approached Collin from behind and turned on my sexy voice. “Are you working out hard?”
He flinched and nearly dropped the weight. “Lexi,” he said with an exacerbated breath, “I didn’t hear you behind me.”
“Sorry.” I fingered his sandy blond hair, eager to dive my hands through his thick layers. He tilted his head away from my hand, and I got the message. He didn’t want me to touch him. But I wasn’t giving up.
“Don’t ever do that.” He wiped his face with his hand towel. “I could have hurt myself or worse, hurt you.”
“Whatever.” I waved off his exaggerated remark, although it hurt because I wanted him to respond willingly to my teasing. “I thought you could work me out. You know show me your routine.” I leaned against the arm curl bench, trying to entice him.
“You want me to show you how to work out?” He shifted the dumbbell to his other hand, and his eyes darted back and forth between me and the mirror he was staring at.
“Yes, please.” I bit down on my lower lip, trying to pull off an erotic look.
“Why don’t you ask your brother? He’s the trainer.”
“If you want, I can show you a few things.” Luke puffed before pressing a bar up in the air.
Luke was majoring in Exercise Sport Science and worked part-time at the rec center. If his dream to be a professional baseball player failed, then his backup plan was to be a trainer. In reality, he would be the best one to train me, but I didn’t want that.
“Well, um, I was hoping to spend some time with you.” I dragged two fingers along the curves of muscles in his forearm, leaving behind a trail of bumps.
Collin dropped the weight with a loud thud. “Um, we can start with the machines.” He got up from the bench, adjusting his shorts and then picked up the dumbbell.
Yes!
“Hey Sis, did you come by yourself?” Luke took a few deep breaths as he moved his head from side to side, popping his bones.
“Oh, you did?” He looked around, expressing a little too much interest in locating her.
“Yeah, she’s in some yoga class.”
“Okay. I’ll find her later.” He sat down on a bench and resumed his workout.
I eyed him for a moment, determining if I should ask him what was going on between them, but I was too anxious to work out with Collin.
“I’m going to show her a few things and then I’ll be back.” Collin informed Luke, while nodding at me to follow him.
“Later,” Luke responded.
I latched on to his arm as he led the way to a row of machine weights. He leaned over and I watched him closely as he adjusted the weight, and sat down. “So what you are going to do is bring your arms together in a slow, controlled movement. Like this.” He demonstrated, and I watched the muscles swell from under his shirt. With each squeeze they tensed and it teased me. I told myself to take things slow, but my body was humming with desire. I was dying to touch him, feel him, and run my hands all over his body.
Something I had never done before.
Something I wanted to do.
“Then release it back into position, slowly.” He smiled at me with soft pillowy lips.
“Okay.” I responded even though I wasn’t paying much attention. My head spun as a beckoning call simmered inside of me, urging me to take action. I grabbed his face between my hands and pressed my lips to his. I kissed him, releasing all the endorphins that had built up over time. I thrust my tongue into his mouth, eager to taste him.
With a swift movement, he pushed me away. “Lexi, what are you doing?” He wiped his lips with the back of his hand as though he didn’t want any trace of me on him.
My heart sank.
Why didn’t he want me?
“Sorry, I just… I couldn’t resist you.” I bit back the tears, refusing to cry. Maybe that was what I needed to do. Cry and beg him to take me. Prove to me that we weren’t making the wrong decision to marry. Was it a crime for our tongues to cross? Did he not find me attractive?
I noticed the other girls in the gym. My lanky body couldn’t compete with their curvy legs and perfect bubble butts. Dressed in their skin-tight yoga pants and push-up exercise bra’s, I looked like a homeless person in baggy sweats and a worn out university T-shirt. No wonder he didn’t want me. I was nothing compared to these girls. Instead of crying and begging for his forgiveness, I let the wrong emotion take over.
Anger.
“You need to control yourself. We are in public.” He looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to us.
“So, let them watch.” I tested my limits. “You’re my fiancé, and if I want to kiss you, then I will.” I had been patient. Respecting his wishes of waiting to have sex until marriage. The least he could do was express how he felt about me. Show me how much he loved me.
I needed him to caress me.
Kiss me.
Tease me.
Hell, at least flirt with me.
Do something other than be kind and respectful. I was tired of waiting for him to take the reins. Apparently my decision to take control failed. I had been deprived my entire life. I had been a good girl for way too long. Always doing what my parents asked of me.
Perfect, respectful, honorable Lexi.
I may have landed a damn hot guy, but what did it matter if he resisted showing me his love?
He ran a hand down his face. “We need to be more respectful—,”
“It was just a kiss.” I crossed my arms, balling my hands tightly underneath me. He tilted his head to the side, and his boyish charm made it difficult to stay mad. But I held my ground.
“You were sticking your tongue down my throat.”
“And?” I bit back the string of expletive words dying to come out of my mouth.
“That’s not being discrete, and it sure isn’t honoring you.”
“Oh, to hell with the honor and just—,”
“Lexi, what’s wrong with you?” He stood up and crossed his arms as if ready to challenge me. “You’re acting crazy.”
“No, I’m not.” I stomped my foot.
“Yes, you are,” he sneered.
I knew I was acting childish and Collin pointing it out, only made it worse. “Forget it.” I threw my hands up in the air. “You’re so damn reserved at times… it drives me crazy.” I spun on my heels and headed for the door.
“Lexi, wait,” he called, but I picked up the pace until I was running. Even though I knew that was the wrong thing to do, I didn’t know how to handle the rejection. I felt like a failure. Love really sucked. I thought I could entice Collin, but instead I only pushed him away.
***
Hot tears streamed down my face as I ran to Carter Hall. I resisted the urge to turn around and see if Collin was following me, but I had a feeling I was all alone. As I ran up the steps, I wiped away the evidence of my pain. After all, I was being stupid. Collin did love me. When it came to expressing his feelings, he didn’t know how. He was so hung up on honoring me that he failed to realize how much I needed his affection.
He had to care about me. Right?
Otherwise, why had he asked me to marry him? Confusion clouded my brain, and there was only one thing I knew would help.
I passed through the foyer of my dormitory and entered the lounge area. Easing onto the padded bench, I placed my hands on the ivory keys of the large grand piano. I had been playing since childhood and used it to de-stress on a regular basis. The beautiful sound always relaxed me, and I found myself playing for hours at a time. My fingers strummed across the bars as I picked out a tune to a song Delaney had begged me to learn. I had told her it was the most depressing song ever, but it fit my situation perfectly. Recalling the words to the song, I whispered them under my breath.
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I’m giving up on you
The tears reappeared, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. Big drops fell as I pounded the keyboard, pouring my heart and soul into it. Why was life so painful? Getting married was supposed to be a joyous occasion, not heart wrenching. All the signs were there but I was avoiding them at all costs.
If Collin would only love me like I deserved to be loved.
“Lexi?” Delaney placed a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
I stopped playing. Unable to look at her, I buried my face in my hands and wept uncontrollably. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“What happened? Collin said you got mad and left.”
“I can’t do this, Delaney.” I mumbled through slobbered gasps.
“Do what? What are you talking about?” She handed me a couple of tissues, and I wiped my eyes and nose.
I tried to talk, but the crying was like a faucet turned on high.
“Come on. Let’s go.”
Dragging me, she managed to take me upstairs to the suite we shared. She sat me on my bed and handed me a bottle of water. I took a few sips, but it didn’t help. The crying and heaving wouldn’t stop. Pulling my hair to the side, she placed a cool wash cloth on the back of my neck.
“Look at me, Lexi.”
I peeked from behind the wad of tissues.
“I want you to relax and take a few deep breaths.” She mimicked the action, extending her hands out to the side, and for some reason, I started laughing. She must have learned it from her yoga class.
Laughing and crying a river of tears, I was one hot mess.
“What? What’s so funny?” Confusion tainted her question.
Shaking my head, I leaned against
her. “Things are so screwed up between Collin and me.”
She embraced my cheek with her right hand. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Even though we were friends, I had never shared details about our relationship. Only telling her how wonderful he was and how lucky I was to have him — that was about it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized, Collin and I were mere friends. And the saddest part, we weren’t even friends with benefits.
“Collin refuses to show me love.”
With a raised bow, she said, “I’ve noticed he’s not the affectionate type.”
“And it sucks because he won’t have sex with me.” I mumbled.
Her head jerked. “What do you mean? Like tonight or —,”
“Ever. Until we marry.” I clarified.
She grabbed the water bottle from my hand and took a huge gulp. “You mean to tell me y’all have never done it?”
My head fell to my chest. “Nope. We’re virgins.”
“Seriously?”
I nodded, embarrassed to admit why I was crying.
She took a deep breath. “I just thought he was the private type — you know, preferring to keep things between you and him. I figured you two were screwing at his place.”
“Gross.” I cringed and my body shivered. “He lives with my brother and two other guys.”
“So.” She threw her hands up in the air, like it was no big deal. “He has his own room, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah, but my brother would probably tell my parents.”
She threw herself back, hitting the bed. “My God, you are a twenty-year-old woman who’s engaged to be married. Your parents need to get over this, and so does Luke. This isn’t the 1950’s for crying out! You two need to test the water before you say, ‘I do’.”
“Tell me about it,” I sighed.
“And how long have you two been together?”
“Four years.”
“Damn, that’s a long time to wait.” Leaning on her elbows, she said, “Please tell me you two have at least spent the night together somewhere?”
“When was the last time you saw him stay here with me?”
Opposing Sides Page 3