by Amanda Rose
I left the stage when it was my turn to exit, watching them finish off their performance from backstage. It was easy to see why they did this every year. It wasn’t for the attention like I had originally assumed. It was for the thrill. They had fun doing this and they knew that by displaying their bodies, they were raising money for something important. I admired these guys for everything they were.
Their routine ended, and I clapped like a woman possessed for them.
They did a bow and blew kisses to the women fanning themselves before walking towards the backstage area.
Tobi was the one who reached me first, picking me up and twirling me around and covering me in his nasty sweat.
“You were the sexiest thing I’d ever seen out there tonight, Low!” He said excitedly. He set me down and the other two came up and smashed me between the three of them, making it one big sweaty group hug.
I loved it so much though, I didn’t even fucking care I was getting smothered in their nastiness.
“That was so much fun. I may have to do this again someday,” I laughed.
“You are definitely doing this with us every year, Lowen,” Ezra said, kissing me on the cheek. “We probably couldn’t do as good without you now anyways.”
“Well, then next Christmas, you guys come grab my ass out of bed and start teaching me another routine,” I said happily.
Their faces fell a little. I wasn’t expecting that reaction.
“What?”
Jasper looked at the guys then at me. “Do we really have to wait an entire year before we see you again?” He asked solemnly.
“Well, no.” I said, finally understanding the sad looks. I knew what they wanted, but I just wasn’t the girl for the job. “I just meant, you know, you guys will be going back to your lives and I’ll be back at mine. Life will get busy and it’ll be hard to really see you guys. You are celebrities in our little town.”
“So?” Tobi replied with a huff. “It’s not like we live far away, Low. We want to keep seeing you, even if it’s only as friends.” He grabbed my hands in his, kissing my knuckles softly as he stared into my eyes. “You’re special to us.”
My heart rate escalated. This was too much. They wanted more, but I couldn’t give them that. I knew what had happened with Jasper meant more, but I kept distracting myself from seeing it. My heart broke a little at the look on all their faces. I cared deeply for them, but I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t give them my heart without fearing every day that I’d be abandoned by them just like I was by everyone else.
“We want you in our lives as more than just friends,” Ezra said, throwing a scathing look at Tobi. “I don’t know about these two, but I can’t be just your friend. I want you for more than that. Tobi is right about you being special to us. Why does this all have to end?”
Panic filtered through me. I can’t breathe, I thought to myself as my chest heaved. God, it hurt having to hurt them like this. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t be here anymore. I couldn’t give them what they wanted. What they deserved.
“I…” I mumbled out.
Jasper stepped in front of me and framed my face with his hands, his facial expression serious for the first time ever since I met him.
Then he said the words that sent me into a full-blown panic. The words that felt both glorious and suffocating to hear.
“We love you, Lowen. It’s fucking crazy how fast it happened, but we do. How do you expect us to just let you go and not see you again for a whole year?”
“I…I…I can’t. I have to go. I can’t do this.”
Jasper jumped back from me like I’d slapped him.
“What?” Ezra asked. “Low, don’t run away from us, please?” He went to grab for me, but I wrenched myself away from them.
My breathing became erratic as I kept backing away from them. Why was their confession freaking me the fuck out? I had to leave. I needed Sara.
As if on cue, Sara came busting into the backstage area.
“My bitch! You were fan-fucking-tastic!” She started towards me with a huge smile. When she saw my look of panic though, her smile fell. She quickly ran to me. “What’s wrong?”
I didn’t look at her as I replied, my focus completely on the hurt expressions of the guys.
“I need to leave.” I didn’t say anything else. I just took off out the doors, leaving all four of them in my wake.
Sara, of course, chased me down and caught up as I made it to my Jeep. I didn’t care that I left my jacket or my clothes in the dressing room.
“Low! What the fuck is going on? Did they do something to you?” Sara asked, grasping my arm and yanking me to a stop before I could open the door.
“No. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
She nodded. “Alright. I’m going to drive you home,” she said, grabbing my keys and shoving me around to get in the passenger seat. “You can drive me back to my car tomorrow and I’ll let Caleb know he’s on daddy duty the rest of the night. You can tell me everything on the way home.” She grabbed something from the back seat and threw it over me like a blanket before closing the door and walking to the driver’s side.
It was then I noticed it was Jasper’s jacket that he’d left.
Like a complete girl, I wrapped myself up in it tightly and cried. I didn’t even understand why I was crying. I just knew that I was absolutely losing it.
I stayed silent the whole drive, not answering any of Sara’s questions that she continually asked me. I couldn’t process anything in my mind right now. Not the words they said. Not the things I was feeling. And definitely not the fact that I was crying like my world was ending, yet I had no fucking clue why I felt that way. I finally explained to Sara what happened just as we pulled into the driveway. Sara knew me better than anyone and would probably agree that I was losing it.
“You’ve completely fucking lost it!” She yelled as we got out of the Jeep.
I shuffled up the steps, shivering against the cold wind and snow raining down on us. It was a completely idiotic move leaving my clothes there.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I said to her as we entered the cabin. I quickly located my bottle of Jack in the cabinet by the fridge and opened it, but stopped just before taking a sip. Jasper’s story earlier made a war wage in my mind over drinking it or not. I wanted a sip so badly, but I knew deep down I shouldn’t jump back into the habit.
“The second they started talking about feelings and loving me, I couldn’t breathe,” I continued to say, holding onto the bottle as I internally went back and forth about whether it was worth it or not. “I don’t do love, Sara. I do sex. Hot sex and lots of fun and lots and lots of alcohol. But, I don’t do love. I don’t even think I can love like that. I’ve never loved anyone other than you and dad my entire life.”
I brought the bottle with me and collapsed onto the couch. I pulled my favorite fuzzy blanket over me and held the bottle just under my nose, smelling the spicy aroma. Sara quickly lit a fire in the fire place, making me glare at her that she managed that in five seconds flat. Why the fuck could I not light a damn fire?
Fuck! This Jack smells so good!
“Yes, you can you monumental moron!” She shouted at me, yanking the bottle from my hand and drinking some. She fell to the couch next to me, still not letting go of the bottle. “Do you understand in any way why the fuck you’re freaking out right now?” She leveled me with an accusatory look.
“Uh, no? That is why I said I think I’ve lost my mind.” I looked longingly at the bottle.
You don’t need it. You can do this without the alcohol, Low, I tried to convince myself.
“You are one of the smartest dumb people I’ve ever met Lowen Westmon. I love you with all of my heart, but if you had told me this before we got all the way back to your place, I would’ve turned us the fuck back around and forced you to face this!”
I gaped at her in offense. “Why the hell am I a smar
t dumb person? Face what?”
“Face that you fucking love them, genius! You’re freaking out, because you love those three so damn much it scares the shit out of you. It was quick, it hit you hard, yet you couldn’t even feel it until they said they loved you. That’s why you’re a smart dumb person!”
Her comment made my mind snap a bit and I tried to take the Jack back. To hell with it, I needed a drink. But she held it out of reach.
“Give me the Jack back,” I said as calmly as I could to her.
“No! Not until you admit it!”
I tried to dive over her, but she pushed me back with one arm and held the bottle above and behind her further back.
“Give it back, Sara! I will cunt punch you!” I warned, struggling to climb over her to get to the bottle.
“Do it and I’ll give you the worst titty twister of your damn life, sister! Believe me! You can have it back if you just admit you are in love with them!”
“I won’t, because I’m not!” I reached further. We were both at an awkward angle hanging over the edge of the couch. “I don’t do love!”
“No! You just haven’t until now!” She strained to talk over me practically sitting on her.
My hand was so close to grabbing it; my fingers skimmed the bottom. Why the hell did she have to make shit so difficult! I just wanted to drink this shit away! I wanted to forget them and their perfect bodies! I wanted to forget their sweet kisses and gentle caresses! I wanted to stop feeling like my whole fucking world was ending just because they were going back home!
I stopped reaching for the bottle as the realization hit me, and the need for the drink dissipated as the guys images floated through my mind like a slideshow on fast forward.
Ezra and his kind heart and passion that he gave in every kiss.
Tobi for his strength and ability to challenge me when I needed to be challenged, especially when he touched me.
Jasper and his ridiculous flirting that made me feel alive every time he made me laugh, yet still had the ability to make me feel like the most cherished possession in the world all at once.
I’d miss them like I’d miss an amputated limb. It’d always feel like they were still there with me when they were gone, because of the impact they had on me.
Something inside me snapped. Something I never wanted or asked for became completely and undeniably apparent, hitting me with the force of a hammer to my heart.
I loved them.
In this short fucking amount of time that I’d spent with them, I’d fallen for them. I didn’t know when it happened, but it happened. It was as if all those suppressed emotions I’d pushed away came rushing into me like a tidal wave. I had been a complete idiot.
While I now knew how I felt about them because of Sara’s inability to let shit go, I also knew I would never be able to tell them that. I could never express my emotions the way they deserved them to be expressed.
“You’re getting it now. You love them and that scares the shit out of you. That’s why you freaked and ran,” Sara said, loosening her grip on me and lowering the bottle.
I slid off her and dropped back into my seat, staring unfocused at the fire.
“Why?” I whispered. Not sure if I was asking myself, or asking her.
“It happens, babe,” she replied softly, putting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing it. “They gave you more than anyone else ever has. The entire time they’ve been here, you haven’t cried about your dad. You haven’t been swallowed into this abyss of sorrow that you would’ve had they never come here. You lit up. You felt like yourself again after a year of feeling so empty, without your parent and best friend. I’ve known you most of our lives, and I’d never seen you give any other guy smiles as big as the ones you’ve given those guys. You fell for them the second you laid eyes on them.”
“And I fucked it up…” I breathed out; my voice shook at what I’d done. “I broke their hearts by running out on them when they were just laying their fucking hearts on the table like that.” Tears started to spill from my eyes.
“Maybe you didn’t. I mean. They know you, Low. You guys spent every second together for the last two weeks. You aren’t one to hold back who you are, so they got all of you within that first day. I think, if you give them the night to work out the rejection, they may surprise you. Get some rest tonight, then call them tomorrow. It’s Christmas Eve. They can’t deny you on Christmas Eve. That’s a big fuck you to Santa if they do.”
I chuckled through the tears at her attempt in humor, but something inside me told me I royally screwed this up. There was no fixing this. I saw the hurt there. I wouldn’t forgive my rejection either if I was them.
I laid my head down on Sara’s lap, letting her soothe me as I watched the fire. She stroked my hair and kept telling me that everything would be okay, but I fell asleep there, dreading their own rejection when I tried to call and make it right in the morning.
It was just my luck to finally understand what it felt like to love someone, then throw it all away because I was too stupid to understand it.
I woke up the next morning on the couch; my head pounded as the smell of coffee drifted into the room. I could hear Sara awake and moving around the kitchen.
I pulled myself up and dragged my feet as I walked in there.
“Morning, princess,” she announced cheerily when I walked in. She poured me a mug of coffee and set it down in front of me on the counter.
“I’m an asshole. I’m sorry I threatened to cunt punch you,” I apologized sheepishly, taking a sip of the coffee.
She shrugged her shoulders and sipped on hers. “Not the first time you’ve threatened that. I knew you wouldn’t because you knew I’d retaliate.”
I bobbed my head. “Fair enough.”
She looked at me with concern before pulling my phone from her pocket and sliding it to me. “You gonna call them?”
I looked at the phone and swallowed hard. I knew I needed to as soon as possible. Caffeine or not in my system, it was better to tell them how sorry I was now, rather than wait until later.
I grabbed it and dialed Tobi’s number, knowing he always had his phone on him. Unfortunately, all I got was voicemail. Tobi always answered his phone, so I knew he didn’t want to talk.
“Nothing?” Sara asked.
I shook my head. “Nope. I don’t blame him.”
“Try the other two. Maybe he’s busy,” she supplied with hope lighting her voice.
I did just that, but both of their phones just rang until hitting voicemail.
I felt so defeated and angry with myself.
“I’m sorry, Low. Maybe they just need some more time. If they truly loved you, they’d call you back and fight for you.”
I set the phone down and looked sadly at my coffee, spinning it slowly in my hands. “I don’t think I deserve a call back, Sara.”
I walked back into the living room and sat on the couch, turning the TV on and flipping the channels. When I landed on Prancer, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. I heard Sara in the kitchen on the phone talking to Caleb. She was probably telling him she’d be staying a bit longer to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid like drown myself in Jack; which honestly sounded like a really good fucking idea. But, I knew in my heart I wouldn’t.
She came into the living room and sat next to me, staying silent and just sipping her coffee as we watched the damn reindeer movie.
About forty minutes in, I heard a large truck beeping as it backed up. I couldn’t bring myself to get up from the couch though and check it out. Sara did it for me anyways. She pushed down the blinds and looked out the window.
“There’s a moving truck backing up. Did Stanley really sell that side of the cabin that fast? I didn’t think he was putting it up for sale until after tomorrow.”
I shrugged. I didn’t want to think about anyone else but the guys living there. It was too much.
Sara joined me back on the couch. “I couldn’t see who it is.” I saw her look a
t me from the corner of my eye. “Sorry, babe. I know this probably sucks. Who moves in on Christmas Eve? That just seems dumb.”
We heard footsteps coming up to the porch, then a knock.
“Uh, should I get it?” Sara asked.
I just nodded, not wanting to talk to the new fucking neighbors. I just wanted to sulk over my monumental screw up and watch a fucking baby reindeer learn to fly. Was that asking too much?
Sara opened the door, but I didn’t hear her speak until she said my name. “Um, Low? You should come talk to your new neighbors.”
I groaned. “I don’t care about new neighbors, Sara.”
“You’ll care about these ones.”
I looked over the couch at her face and paused. Why the fuck did she look so happy?
Out of pure curiosity, I stood and dragged myself over to the door. She moved out of the way as I got to it. I was about to tell the new neighbors to leave alone, but I stopped.
It was the guys.
“Hey, Low,” Tobi said looking a bit shy.
I gaped at them. “What are you all doing here?”
They looked between each other, smiling coyly.
“We bought the cabin next door,” Ezra replied cautiously, as if waiting for me to be angry.
My heart stopped. They bought the other side of the cabin. But…
“Why?” I whispered.
“Because we’re not stupid enough to let you run away,” Jasper replied. “We don’t need the big apartment in the city to run our company.”
“Yeah. We kind of liked living out in the middle of nowhere. It was what we needed to relax and remember why we love doing what we do. We were starting to lose that in the city and under the watchful eyes of the world.” Added Ezra.
“But more than that, we love being with you. So, you can try to fight us on this, but we know you care more than you’re saying. We plan to stay and make sure you own up to it. You’re ours whether you like it or not and we’re not letting you go. We know you’ve been left and you’ve felt loss, but so have we. We are not going to leave you no matter what you say or do, Lowen,” Tobi proclaimed seriously.