The top keeps spinning.
It’s been many months since that quiet fall evening when I leaned against Miles and held on to a sense that anything was possible. It feels like an eternity.
In that time, I’ve been slapped and punched. Needles have been poked into my skin. I’ve been jolted with shocks of electric current. Fists have thrust into my cunt and my ass and I have cried many tears of pain.
Yet I am the architect of my own destiny. I hold the lever that can stop all of this. But I need a place to stand first and that doesn’t exist, because I’m falling.
I’m known in the club as the girl who will do anything, no matter how extreme. I’m not a full member; my qualifying period is technically still ongoing. I have another Watcher now. Someone always watches me.
Yet I’m still allowed to come to the club. That surprises me when I can clear the numbness in my head long enough to think. I would have thought that they would have shielded themselves from my destruction.
Nina fired me three months ago. I should look for another job I guess, but I can’t seem to get out of my pajamas. It has been months since I picked up my sketchbook. Months since I cared about anything except Friday nights when the darkness descends like a blanket and provides me oblivion.
There’s money in my bank account. My rent keeps getting paid. That’s Miles’s doing, of course. Without his help I’d be sleeping in the streets. The car shows up as well every Friday afternoon to drive me to Allentown. But Miles himself is nowhere to be seen. I haven’t heard from him since the day he told me he couldn’t be my Watcher anymore.
His office is a short subway ride away from me, but I can’t seem to brush the cobwebs away long enough to get dressed and go thank him. All my energy is reserved for the weekend, for the tortures that the men and women at Club Phoenix put me through. In any case, I’m not even sure if Miles will agree to see me.
My mother died. I did pull myself together long enough to sit by her hospital bed and watch her slip away. Even at the end she didn’t remember me. I thought I’d see Miles at the funeral but I didn’t. And though I’ve lost the power to feel hurt, his absence caused a twinge in my chest where my heart used to live.
My mother forgot me. Miles has abandoned me. I’ve been fired from my job. Nothing makes sense anymore and I don’t care. The chains hold me erect; the whips remind me I can still feel pain. Sometimes.
I forget things. I’m not sure if it’s a result of my apathy or if it’s the flaw in my genes. If I were healthy, if I didn’t have a potentially ticking time bomb inside my body, would I have picked a different path? It’s hard to know for sure. I think I let Miles go because I didn’t want to drag him down with me. He deserves better. He’s learned to balance his darkness and his light. He does not need to be overwhelmed by my eternal night.
Phoenix is both my anchor and my noose. I can’t escape. I don’t think I want to.
Rafael waits for me as I pull up at the entrance. I don’t notice how grand the castle is any more, but today I see all the lights blazing forth from every window, like a beacon in the dark, summoning lost, wandering souls to safety and shelter.
“Go downstairs,” he instructs me tersely. It’s unusual for him to give me instructions. Mostly he avoids me. I think I make him uncomfortable. I deal with Anna primarily.
I nod my compliance and walk once more down that narrow corridor. An extreme sense of déjà vu grips me. I’ve walked down this path many times before. But everything feels unreal.
There are two men in the room, and my heart starts to beat faster in my chest as I realize who they are. Adam, my first partner at Club Phoenix is standing in the light, but it isn’t him that I’m reacting to. It is the man that stands in the shadows at the edge of darkness. It is the glint in his green eyes as he looks at me.
“I was wrong to walk away,” he says. I know there’s a camera on the ceiling and every move is being watched. Adam is standing not two paces away, but my eyes are only on my Watcher. “I was wrong to leave. I’m here for you Kelly and I’m never going to leave again. If you fall, we fall together.” He extends one arm out and I take it and I cling on for dear life. He is so warm. So full of life. Can I do this to him? Can I take him with me into the darkness?
“What does this mean?” My voice is soft, but I need to know why Miles is here. Is he going to be my Watcher again? Is he going to touch me? Is there still a chance for us, or is it too late?
He doesn’t answer my question. He just asks me a question in return. “What do you want, Kelly?”
I should say something. I can’t speak. All the reasons I couldn’t blindly jump into a future with Miles are still there. They haven’t gone away. All that is left for me is oblivion.
My only real choice is whether I drag him down with me. And now that he’s back, that choice is being taken away from me.
A thought strikes me. Is this even about me? Or is this just that Miles needs to watch? Am I just a live sex show, more interesting than the numbing porn that he has spoken of? When he left the first time, I thought he couldn’t watch anymore. Yet here he is. Perhaps this isn’t about my addiction. Perhaps this is about his own.
My head spins. I am so confused. I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future. I wish I could know something for certain. Anything. Any little thing.
“I need clarity from you.” I know I don’t have a right to ask, not after any and all of the choices I’ve made. But in this room, no one is untouched by the darkness. We have all made choices we aren’t proud of.
He looks at me and I can see that he’s struggling to find words that would fit this moment. That, I can understand. I’ve had to force the words out of my mouth. I just want to stay silent and drink him in, and revel in the fact that he’s here.
“I choose you,” he says finally. It is as if he’s contemplated a fancier speech but discarded it. “You want me to play? I’ll play. You want me to watch? I can do that too.”
At what cost? I want to scream at him. At what cost to both of us?
Adam clears his throat and we both start. Miles uncurls my fingers from his and takes a half-step back. His eyes stay locked onto me.
“Do you submit?” Miles speaks the ritual words of the Watcher, the ones that will indicate my willingness to continue with the session.
The question lingers in the air between us.
Life can surprise me sometimes. Roads curve in on themselves and sometimes the end is just the beginning. Everything can come full circle.
The top starts spinning.
All the while, I’ve sworn that I can’t drag him down with me. But by opting to take the same path I’m taking, he’s going to be dragged down nonetheless. Unless I break free. Unless I seize on that lifeline and start climbing.
For the first time in a really long time, I feel a glimmer of hope.
I make contact with those green eyes that hold the key to my salvation. I open my mouth to answer.
Epilogue: The top stops spinning…
An alcoholic can stop drinking. You can throw away the pack of smokes and swear never to light up again. It won’t be easy, but the dividing line between good and bad is clearer if the addiction in question is drugs or alcohol or cigarettes.
But sex? How do you cure yourself of sexual addiction? Do you swear to give up sex forever? I can’t do that.
I grapple constantly with the edge. Every day I try for balance. Some days I succeed better than others.
But I’m not alone. Miles is there, with his green eyes, his beautiful brown hair and his ready smile. When I walk into a room, his face lights up and it reminds me that I’m fighting for something worthwhile.
When my mother lost her memories of me, I felt erased. Club Phoenix was as much a cry for help as it was an exploration of desire and darkness. And my Watcher heard my cry and he was there to catch me as I fell. And he was there to pick me up and set me down so I can try again.
Strangely, the more he shows me of his own darkness, the more I’m drawn to t
he light. It is as if we balance each other out. We are connected the two of us, by a lifeline.
Once, I thought that I was the one who was falling and Miles was my lifeline, but life is more complicated than that. Roads curve in on themselves. Things are interconnected in strange and inexplicable ways.
One of those endless mornings Miles had found himself in a back alley, unable to remember how he’d ended up there, something had happened. I had been the fresh-faced, starry-eyed girl who’d just moved to New York, dreaming of starting her own fashion business. My mother had asked him to watch out for me and we’d had lunch that afternoon for the first time. I hadn’t realized that under the crisp business suit he’d worn, his body had been covered in bruises.
So the Watcher found someone to watch and in doing so he found his own inner light and his own path.
Did it really happen that way? I like to think it does. I like to think that he needs me the same way I need him. That I too anchor him the way he does me.
We play sometimes with other people at Phoenix, but always together. There’s darkness in both of us and we don’t pretend otherwise. He’s the boy next door and I’m the girl next door, but this isn’t your typical romance. That’s okay. It works for us.
It just matters that he is there at my side. He was with me when I finally faced my fears and got tested for early onset Alzheimer’s. He was there when my mother drew her last difficult breath. It was his arms that encircled me when I cried tears of sadness because even at the end, my mother hadn’t remembered who I was.
He was next to me at the funeral as I watched her still, lifeless body, being lowered into the cold ground. His hand stayed locked in mine as we’d convened at his mother’s house and laughed and reminisced about my mother, taking comfort in the memories as best as we could.
He is my Watcher, and I am his.
Rafael waits for me as I pull up at the entrance. I’ve had to work late and Miles had smiled a mysterious smile at me when he told me he was heading to the club ahead of me. The helicopter touches down at the landing pad and I jump out. Even now, after a year of togetherness, I look for him all the time, and miss him when he’s not around.
I’ve been here so many times that I often fail to notice how grand the castle is. But today, I see all the lights blazing forth from every window, like a beacon in the dark summoning lost, wandering souls to safety and shelter. I was one of them. Not anymore. I have days of darkness, but I love and I am loved and it is enough.
“Go downstairs,” Rafael instructs me with a smile. I raise an eyebrow in suspicion. What do they have planned?
I nod my compliance and walk once more down that narrow corridor. As I walk, I feel an extreme sense of déjà vu. I’ve walked down this path many times before. But everything recedes to the background and a very familiar anticipation springs to the fore.
There are two men in the room and my heart starts to beat faster in my chest. Adam, my first partner at Club Phoenix is standing in the light. But it isn’t him that I’m reacting to. It is the man that stands in the shadows at the edge of darkness. It is the glint in his eyes as he looks at me.
“Happy anniversary, Kelly,” he smiles at me. I start in surprise at that. He’s right. I’ve lost track, but it’s been a full year since the first time I was in this dungeon. One monumental year with so much heartache and so many moments of tenderness and pleasure.
I know there’s a camera on the ceiling, and every move is being watched. Adam is standing not two paces away, but my eyes are only on my Watcher. “I thought we’d invite Adam to play with us once again,” he continues. He extends one arm out, and I take it and I squeeze it in gratitude. He is so warm. So full of life. And I love him so very much.
I should say something. I can’t speak.
Adam clears his throat, and we both jump. Miles uncurls my fingers from his and takes a half-step back. His eyes never leave mine.
“Do you submit?” The Watcher speaks the ritual words, the ones that will indicate my willingness to continue with the session.
The question lingers in the air between us.
Life can surprise me sometimes. Roads curve in on themselves and sometimes the end is just the beginning. Everything can come full circle.
The top starts spinning.
I make contact with those green eyes that hold the key to my heart. I open my mouth to answer.
A Note from Tara
Dear readers,
I hope you enjoyed reading ‘The Watcher’.
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Cheers and happy reading!
Tara
About Tara Crescent
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Tara Crescent is a writer of steamy romantic fiction. She believes in sassy submissives, firm Dominants, completely consensual relationships and happily-ever-afters! Her favorite kind of romance stories are ones that are somewhat believable.
In her spare time, Tara reads, gardens, cooks, and procrastinates about cleaning. From time to time, Tara blogs about what she's working on (and anything else that she finds interesting) at http://www.taracrescent.com. She lives in Toronto.
She is somewhat active on Facebook and Twitter, especially when the writing is going poorly.
Find Tara on:
Website: http://www.taracrescent.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/tara.crescent
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TaraCrescent
Mailing list: http://eepurl.com/IM0dT
Books by Tara Crescent
New! The Assassin’s Revenge Series (Erotic, Suspenseful Romance)
Found (Book 1)
Bought (Book 2)
Freed (Book 3)
Claimed (Book 4)
The Storm Series (Contemporary/BDSM Romance, Romantic Comedy)
Storm Boxed Set (Episodes 1-5)
Which includes:
FREE! Storm: The Hottest Guy in Hollywood (Storm Episode 1)
Storm: Kinky Valentine (Storm Episode 2)
Storm: A Road to Forgiveness (Storm Episode 3)
Storm: Tabloid Trouble (Storm Episode 4)
Storm: Home is Where the Vibrator is (Storm Episode 5)
Nights in Venice Series (BDSM Romance):
A Thief in Venice (Nights in Venice Book 1)
An Heiress in Venice (Nights in Venice Book 2)
A Starlet in Venice (Nights in Venice Book 3)
Standalone Romance:
Teaching Maya
The House of Pain
The Professor’s Pet &follow-up short The Professor’s Girlfriend
The Audition
The Watcher
Chronicles of Raan Series (BDSM Fantasy):
Chronicles of Raan
Which includes:
FREE! Magic Everywhere (Volume 1)
Raina’s Wedding (Volume 2)
Leila’s Training (Volume 3)
The Doctor Dom Series (BDSM & Medical Play):
Triage (Doctor Dom Volume 1)
Observation (Doctor Dom Volume 2)
Diagnosis (Doctor Dom Volume 3)
Relapse (Doctor Dom Volume 4)
Recovery (Doctor Dom Volume 5)
Or buy the collections for a discount…
Doctor Dom Series Sequence One (Triage | Observation |
Diagnosis)
Doctor Dom Series Sequence Two (Relapse | Recovery)
Adventures of Suzie and the Alien Series (Alien Erotica):
Adventures of Suzie and the Alien (Volumes 1-5)
Which includes:
The Alien, the Doctor and the Virgin (Book 1)
The Alien Trains the Virgin (Book 2)
The Alien, the Virgin and the Warrior Queen (Book 3)
Tentacle Monsters and the Virgin (Book 4)
The Virgin Returns Home (Book 5)
You can also keep track of my new releases by signing up for my mailing list!
The Watcher (A Dark Romance) Page 10