by Chris Taylor
“Christ.” Fear and anxiety coursed through him. His little girl was in pain and probably scared out of her mind. He had to be there for her. His mind raced and he cursed aloud. “I’m going to call the airlines and get the next flight to Canberra. Hopefully I’ll be there in a couple of hours. When did they say they’re going to operate?”
Janet sighed. “Well, they haven’t yet. We’re still in the emergency department of Woden Hospital. She’s had the x-rays done, but we’re waiting for a consult from the orthopaedic specialist. It was an intern that told me he thought they’d have to operate.”
“Tell her I’ll be there soon.”
“All right, Clayton. I will. And thank you. I feel so terrible.”
He heard the tremor in her voice and knew she was struggling to keep her own fears at bay.
“It’s okay, Janet. It wasn’t your fault. I’m glad she’s with you. I’ll see you soon.” He ended the call and immediately dialed the airlines, cursing again as he was placed in a queue. After what seemed an eternity, he managed to secure a flight that departed in just under an hour.
Striding over to where Ellie now sat at her desk, he propped his hip against the government-issued steel and sighed.
“I have to fly to Canberra. My daughter’s broken her arm pretty badly. They’re talking surgery.”
Concern and tenderness beamed up at him. His heart clenched with emotion.
“Oh, no! Clayton, go. Don’t worry about us.” She swept an arm around the room crowded with officers who leaned over desks or hunched in front of computers. “We’ve got it under control. As Ben says, there must be at least fifty or sixty names to get through. This isn’t going to get solved in the next twenty-four hours. We’re probably going to be at it for days. There’s no telling how many of them will be home when we call.”
She gave him another encouraging smile. “Go; your daughter needs you.”
He breathed a grateful sigh of relief, wanting so much to drag her into his arms, but knowing she probably wouldn’t welcome it in front of the curious eyes of her co-workers.
He settled for a lingering look, hoping to convey with his gaze what he felt. “Thanks, Ellie. I really appreciate it. I hate to run out on you like this, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. Maybe even tonight, if I can.”
He checked his watch. “I’ll be in Canberra by eleven. Depending what happens, I might make it back on a late flight.”
“Hey, don’t stress it, Fed. I’m sure we can handle things here while you’re gone. Go, do what you have to do. And when you’re ready, come back and help us nail this bastard.”
Co-workers, be damned. He leaned in close and kissed her, leaving her sitting there, cheeks beet red, glancing around to see if anyone had noticed, while he made his way to Ben’s office.
A few moments later, he was out the door.
* * *
Ellie slumped back against her chair and watched him stride out of the squad room. Suddenly, everything seemed duller, dimmer, flatter without him. She couldn’t believe how quickly he’d come to matter.
It wasn’t just that they’d slept together, although that fact certainly accounted for some of the nervous excitement that had been jumping around in her belly since she’d woken that morning.
It was more the hope that maybe she could be healed, that there was a possibility, however slight, that the pain and loss which never left her would somehow become more manageable.
He had given her that. And she loved him for it. And other things.
She just plain loved him.
There. She’d said it. Maybe not out loud, but near enough. Fear and uncertainty warred with the nervous excitement. He’d told her he loved her. But what if he’d just mistaken good sex—no, scrap that… Great sex—with love? How was that possible? He still loved his wife. Didn’t he?
But his wife was dead. Could she hope that his feelings for Lisa had lessened, become more manageable, like the crippling pain she felt for Jamie?
Could she be that lucky? Did she deserve to be that lucky?
She shook her head in annoyance. What the hell was she thinking? Not more of that psycho-babble crap. Of course she deserved to find love. It wasn’t her fault Jamie had been killed. It had never been her fault. She knew that now.
On some sensible, sane level, way down inside her, she’d always known it. But the death of her child had a way of twisting her thinking, warping her outlook until she’d almost been buried beneath the guilt.
It was just another one of Clayton’s gifts. He’d made her see Jamie’s death as a tragic accident, made worse by the fact the perpetrator had never been caught. But it didn’t make her culpable.
She didn’t even blame Eva. She’d never blamed Eva. It was her, Ellie Therese Cooper, Jamie’s mother, who’d taken the blame, fairly and squarely on her shoulders until she’d almost broken under the weight of it. Rational or not, it was the way she’d felt.
She took a huge lungful of air and held it for as long as she could. Exhaling slowly, she shook her head and rotated the tension from her neck and shoulders. It had been a long couple of months. Hell, it had been a long three years. She couldn’t believe her baby had been gone for that long.
His cherub face swam before her and she blinked back tears when her memory of him smiled. The noisy bustle of the squad room receded. He looked different, a little older than she remembered, but that couldn’t be right.
He wore a white sailor suit that she’d never seen before. It had navy trim around the edges. Goosebumps rose on her skin. She rubbed her arms with her hands, feeling a sudden chill in the air.
Jamie smiled again and waved. “Good-bye, Mommy. I love you.”
Tears pricked her eyes and she scrubbed at them with the back of her hands. God, just when she’d thought she’d turned the page on her grief, now she was hallucinating. In broad daylight. At work, no less.
She shook her head in disgust. It was ridiculous. It just went to show how unstable she really was. Or maybe it was the sleep deprivation? It was madness. But he’d looked so real. And the faint smell of baby powder still lingered in the air.
A calmness descended upon her. In the midst of the noisy, crowded squad room, she felt at peace. As if her son had given her permission to let go. Had said good-bye.
“Ellie, Clayton saw me on his way out. Are you okay to go and door-knock on your own? With everyone doing their bit, I haven’t got a spare body to partner you with.”
Ben’s grim visage filled her vision. She blinked and cleared her throat.
“Of course.” She picked up her copy of the list and showed him the names she’d highlighted. They all lived within close proximity of the disappearance sites.
“I’m going to check these ones out. I’ll let the others know so we don’t double up.”
“Good. Let’s hope we find him.”
She stood and reached for her coat. Her thoughts went fleetingly to Clayton. She felt a pang at his absence. She drew in a breath and squared her shoulders, determined to do what she could to find their killer and bring the investigation to an end. Maybe then they could concentrate on how to make a relationship between them work. It wouldn’t be easy, but she was willing to try.
* * *
The icy wind tore at Clayton’s cheeks. He tugged his heavy winter coat closer around his shoulders and tightened the woollen scarf around his neck. The tepid sun shone valiantly, but it wasn’t a match for the bitter air. Winter in the nation’s capital was not for the faint hearted, even in the middle of the day.
He’d caught a taxi straight to the hospital within minutes of the plane landing and had quickly located Janet and Olivia. Still lying on a stretcher in the emergency room, his daughter had only just been seen by the orthopaedic surgeon who had informed them an operation wouldn’t be necessary.
Her arm was broken in two places, but they were simple, clean breaks and would only require manual manipulation to reset.
Clayton kissed her on the cheek and hugged her clos
e, mindful of her injured arm. “I’m so glad you’re all right, sweetheart. You scared me half to death.”
Olivia turned and offered a little smile. “Daddy! I’m so glad you’re here. It hurts, Daddy.”
His chest tightened with emotion. He pressed his lips together and managed to nod. “I know, sweetheart. The doctor will give you something for the pain in a little while. You’re such a big brave girl. You’re going to be just fine. Okay?”
She nodded and then winced against the pain. He took her hand in his and squeezed it. “I’ve missed you, baby. I’ve been so lonely without you. It feels like forever since I held you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Daddy. Have you seen Uncle Tommy and Uncle Declan?”
“No, honey. I’ve been a little busy. I’ve been doing my best to solve the case I’ve been working on so I can come back home to you.”
“Have you finished it now?” she asked, her eyes wide with hope.
Clayton grimaced and squeezed her hand again. “No, baby. Not yet. But we’re getting close.”
“Good. I can’t wait for you to come back home. I like staying with Grandma and Grandpa, but it’s not like being at home with you.”
Clayton swallowed the lump in his throat. Leaning over, he brushed a strand of blond hair away from of her eyes.
“I know, sweetheart. I like being home with you, too. I’ll be back soon; I promise.”
The doctor approached and advised it was time to reset the arm. Olivia’s eyes immediately widened in fear.
“Daddy, please don’t go. I want you to stay.”
“I’m not going anywhere, baby. I’ll be right here for as long as you want me.”
The doctor administered a generous dose of laughing gas and a light sedative. Clayton remained by his daughter’s side. Holding tightly onto his hand with her uninjured arm, Olivia endured the ordeal without any noticeable side effects.
Clayton leaned over and kissed her. “I knew you could do it. You’re such a brave, brave girl. I’m so proud of you.”
Olivia smiled sleepily. The sedative was already taking affect.
“Thanks, Daddy. I’m so glad you came.”
“Me too, sweetheart, but you know, I have to return to Sydney? I need to finish the case I’ve been working on. I hope it won’t be too much longer. I’ll come back home as soon as I can.”
Olivia struggled to keep her eyes open. “Promise?” she murmured.
Clayton hugged her close. “I promise,” he whispered.
It was much later when he remembered about the plans he’d made with Riley. Clayton left Olivia sleeping peacefully and sporting a fresh, white cast. He found her grandmother and asked her to sit with Olivia. She was happy to oblige and he made his way outside the hospital to call his brother. With his back turned into the biting wind, he dialed Riley’s number. It was answered on the second ring.
“Hey, little bro, what’s happening? You wanna catch up for lunch?”
“Ah, no, I’m sorry, Riles. I’m in Canberra. Slight emergency. Olivia fell off some playground equipment and broke her arm. We thought she needed surgery, so I hopped a plane down here.”
“Shit, that’s no good, mate. Is everything okay?”
Clayton ran his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, everything’s fine. They managed to reset it without going to theater, so we’re all good. She’s resting at the moment.”
“Thank Christ for that. It must have nearly given you a heart attack.”
“Yeah, you can say that again.”
There was a moment of silence. As if he knew what Clayton was thinking, Riley spoke again, his voice low.
“It was a broken arm, Clay. That’s all. You’re not gonna lose her. A broken arm. Kids get ’em all the time.”
Clayton choked with emotion. “I know, mate. I know. It’s just that… You know…”
“Yeah, Clay, I know. You haven’t been inside a hospital since Lisa died. It must have brought back memories.”
Swallowing the lump in his throat, he muttered the only reply he could manage. “Yeah.”
“She’s okay, little brother. She’s okay.”
“Yeah.”
Another silence ensued. On the other end of the phone, Riley took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
“She’s gone, mate. She’s never coming back. It wasn’t your fault. It’s just one of those shitful things that happen sometimes for no goddamn reason. But you can’t just stop living. Time hasn’t stood still, no matter how much you wish it had. You deserve to find happiness again. Olivia deserves to have you happy again.”
Tears leaked slowly out of Clayton’s eyes, warm against his frozen cheeks. He knew what his brother said was right, but it hurt so much to let her go. Let them go.
After a moment, Riley spoke again. “When are you heading back to Sydney?”
Clayton swiped at the moisture in his eyes. “Probably later this afternoon, if I can get a flight. Ellie’s holding the fort, but we need all the help we can get. We’re closing in on the guy. I have to get back.”
“She seems nice.”
Despite the sadness that weighed down his heart, a reluctant grin tugged at Clayton’s lips. He knew exactly where his twin was headed.
“Yeah, she’s nice.”
“I think she likes you.”
A chuckle escaped him. “Really? What makes you say that?” He could almost see Riley squirming.
“I saw the way she looked at you. She barely gave me a second glance, and we both know that’s not how it usually is.”
This time he laughed outright. “One thing I can count on you for, big bro, is for making me feel good about myself.”
“Hey,” Riley replied, a little defensively. “I’m just telling it how it is.”
“Whatever floats your boat, Riles. How is your latest girlfriend, anyway? Bronte…? Belinda…? I can’t keep up with them.”
Riley snorted. “You’re not going to get out of it that easily. I know you’re trying to change the subject. We’re talking about you, not me. What’s going on with you and the delectable Ellie? And don’t tell me nothing, I’m your twin, remember? I can sense these things.”
Clayton scoffed, but his heart jumped at the mention of Ellie’s name. Riley was right. There was something going on. He was in love with her. If he knew how Ellie felt, it would make things a hell of a lot easier.
Last night had been magical. All that he could have dreamed of when he broke his self-imposed celibacy. And she’d seemed to have been as involved in their lovemaking as he had.
But this morning, something had changed. She’d been distant and removed and he still didn’t know why. What he did know was that he wasn’t prepared to let her brush it off. He wasn’t the type to walk away, at least, not without a decent explanation.
Now that the drama of Olivia’s accident was over, and he was reassured she was in good hands, his thoughts returned to Ellie. He didn’t know how it had happened, but she’d exploded in his heart, filling the empty coldness with warmth. For the first time since Lisa died, he felt happy and content. He wasn’t going to walk away from that without a fight.
“So, what is it, little brother? Do I have to drag it out of you?”
Riley’s chiding tone dragged him back to the present and he smiled into the phone.
“Okay, okay. You might be sensing something.” He took a deep breath. “We spent last night together.”
There. He’d said it out loud. The relief he felt was instantaneous. The weight on his shoulders and in his heart seemed to lift and lighten, making him feel better than he had in three years.
“I knew it,” Riley pounced, as Clayton had known he would. “Tell me everything. I want all the juicy details.”
Clayton grinned, knowing his brother didn’t mean it. As close as they were, they’d never pried into the intimacies of each other’s private lives.
“Let’s just say she’s as delectable on the inside as she is on the outside.”
Riley’s voice caught. “
Oh, Clay, you don’t know how glad I am to finally hear you say that. After Lisa, I didn’t think you’d ever feel that way again.”
Emotion clogged Clayton’s throat.
“Me, neither.” He cleared his throat before continuing. “I might have been a bit short with you and the others over the last few years whenever you brought it up, but I do appreciate where you’ve been coming from. I know I haven’t exactly made it easy for everyone.”
“No worries, mate. We only did it because we cared. It’s been tying me up in knots seeing you so unhappy. If I could have brought her back, I would have.”
“I know that.”
Riley broke the silence a few moments later. “If you head up here this afternoon, we might still have time to catch up for dinner.”
Clayton checked his watch. It was just after one o’clock. “Yeah, if it’s a late one. Once Olivia is settled back home with Janet, I’m going to head out to Woden Cemetery. Then hopefully, I’ll get a seat on an afternoon flight. I’ll let you know how I’m doing a bit later on.”
“No worries, Clay. Brandon’s still overseas, but I’ll give Declan and Tom a call and see what we can arrange. Say hello to Olivia for me and tell her I can’t wait to scrawl my name all over her cast.”
He grinned into the phone. “Will do. And thanks,” he added softly.
Not needing to be told what he was referring to, Riley replied, his voice equally soft.
“Anytime.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The temperature felt like it had dropped at least five degrees when Clayton stepped out of his mother-in-law’s car and made his way into Woden Cemetery. He headed towards Lisa’s grave. The biting wind had turned into sleet. He narrowed his eyes against its sting.
It was as wet and dreary as the day he’d buried her. Olivia had been barely fourteen months old and had been left with some distant cousins during the ceremony. He’d been surrounded by his family—his parents and his brothers and sisters. Lisa’s parents, Janet and Bob, had been there, of course, along with Lisa’s older sisters.
He frowned. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen them. Neither of them lived in Canberra, but still, distance wasn’t really an excuse. He kept in contact with his family and some of them lived more than six-hours’ drive away.