by Tara Wyatt
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Javi: Sure, I’m free tomorrow morning. 8 am? There’s a coffee shop near Dell Park.
* * *
Cara: That sounds perfect. Can’t wait to see your sexy face.
* * *
Javi: See you tomorrow.
“Oh, you fucking asshole,” Aerin whispered, setting his phone back down where it had been, not even bothering to close the window with the text messages. What the hell was going on? She’d thought things were long over between them, especially from everything Javi had told her. But now, she didn’t know what to believe.
Can you really blame him for wanting to be with the mother of his children? An insidious voice from somewhere deep down inside her whispered the question. Why wouldn’t he want a chance to be with his real family?
But really, the bigger question—the more immediate one—was why hadn’t he said anything about any of this to her? About Cara coming on to him, texting him? And even bigger than that: why had he lied about who he was having breakfast with this morning?
Her pulse pounded in her ears, and she threw back the covers, no longer comfortable being naked in his bed. A sick feeling, like she’d swallowed a gallon of slime, sloshed through her. It was a sensation she hadn’t felt since she’d found out the truth about Eric and the doctor. Since she’d found out that fairytales weren’t real, and that happy endings weren’t for her. Scrambling, her movements frantic and jerky, she pulled on the jeans and T-shirt she’d been wearing yesterday, stuffing her limbs into the clothes with enough force to pop a few stitches.
Just then, the bathroom door opened and Javi stepped out wearing nothing but a towel. He smiled at her as he moved toward his closet. “You didn’t have to get up,” he said, his tone light and casual. “If you wanted to sleep in, I mean. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She cleared her throat and took a breath before she spoke, raking her fingers through her tangled hair. “No, it’s fine. I was already up. What was your breakfast thing again?” She tucked her hair behind her ear, trying to sound airy and casual.
“Just a work thing,” he said.
“Okay, well I’m gonna go.” Her heart splintered as she spoke, little shards of it breaking off, piece by piece. He was lying to her. And if he was lying to her, that meant that she’d been fooled, yet again.
“You can stay if you want.” He emerged from the closet wearing a pair of jeans and a blue button-down shirt. Dressing nicely to go see his ex-wife. The mother of his children. The woman he was lying about meeting up with.
She shook her head, hastily gathering up the rest of her things. It felt like the walls were closing in on her, like she couldn’t get enough air. “No, Javi. I don’t want.”
“Hey, are you okay?”
She walked out of his bedroom and down the hall to the living room where she shoved all of her stuff back in her work bag. “Yep, just have a lot to do today and so do you, and I’d hate to be in your way.”
“Aerin?”
“I’m good. Just a busy day ahead.” She needed time to process everything, and she didn’t want to admit to having snooped in his phone yet. Shame crested over her, mingling with every other emotion vibrating inside her. She knew that eventually they’d have to hash this out, but right now, she was still in freefall mode. Once she’d crash landed, she’d be in a better position to survey her surroundings, take stock of the damage, and go from there.
“Okay, well I’ll—” He started to move toward her, clearly intending to hug her or kiss her but she couldn’t bear the thought of his touch right now. She moved away quickly, ignoring the hurt flashing across his face.
“Bye, Javi.” She walked out the front door into the fresh morning air and didn’t look back. It wasn’t until she’d pulled out of his driveway and was on her way home that she let the tears fall.
Javi sat down at the table across from Cara, the small coffee shop bustling around them with customers coming and going, conversing at tables, baristas calling out orders. The air was heavy with the scents of coffee and sausage and cheese breakfast sandwiches, the little shop’s morning specialty. Across from him, Cara chatted animatedly, and he tried to force himself to focus. After all, if they were going to have shared custody, he needed to try to get along with her as best he could for the sake of his daughters. It was why he’d tried as hard as he could to be civil about her repeated attempts at flirting, at bringing up good times from the past. He felt obligated to tread lightly with her because even though they had a new agreement in place, if he could find a way to get along with her, it would go a long way toward smoothing the way forward for everyone involved.
She batted her eyelashes at him and laughed at a joke she’d made. He forced himself to smile, completely clueless as to what she’d just said. Try as he might, he couldn’t seem to follow the conversation because all he could think about was Aerin.
Something had definitely been wrong. She’d been stiff in his arms in bed this morning, not really responding when he’d kissed her shoulder. She’d seemed quiet and pensive, but he’d chalked it up to the fact that she’d quit her job yesterday and was probably feeling the effects of reality catching up to her. And then, when he’d come out of the shower, it was as though every single shield she had was back up and operating at full power. Clearly something had been on her mind, but she’d practically run away from him.
And it wasn’t just the fact that she’d bolted out the front door, or that she’d shied away from his touch, although both had stung. It was the look in her eyes that he couldn’t stop thinking about. He’d seen pain. Pure, untempered, raw pain. And he had no idea why.
“Right, Javi?” asked Cara, laying her hand on top of his. He pulled his hand away, folding them beneath the table and out of her grasp.
“Did you have custody stuff you needed to talk about?” he asked, trying not to sound like an asshole. “I need to head out soon.”
Cara blushed and shifted in her chair, deliberately brushing her foot against his leg under the table. “I thought maybe we could talk about us. Now that you’ve had a little time to think it over.”
Javi sighed heavily and shook his head. “Cara, there is no us. I meant what I said before. We’re over. I’ve moved on and I’m in love with Aerin.” His heart kicked against his ribs as he realized it was the first time he’d said those words out loud.
Cara laughed and took a sip of her latte. “No, you’re not. You just think you are. You’re caught up in an infatuation. I get it. It’s happened to me, too. But what you have with her isn’t real. We were real.”
Javi felt his patience slipping and he clenched his hands together under the table. “Listen, Cara, because I’m really tired of repeating myself. You and I are over. I want to try to get along with you for the girls’ sake but I don’t have any interest in getting back together with you. I loved you once, a long time ago, but those feelings are all in the past. You don’t know anything about my relationship with Aerin, and you need to get her name out of your damn mouth if you only have shitty things to say about her.” He slammed his mouth shut, his pulse beating in his temple, the muscles along his jaw tight. “I want to get along with you. We’re co-parents. But that’s the sum total of our relationship going forward. Stop flirting with me. Stop coming on to me. Stop badmouthing Aerin to me and to the girls.” Something seared through him and he jerked his gaze to hers, searching her expression. “Have you been telling the girls that we’re getting back together?”
She let out a nervous laugh and shook her head a little too fast. “No, no. Of course not. Why would I do that?”
“I have no idea. But they told Aerin that we were getting back together. They seemed convinced of it, and that the only obstacle standing in the way was her.” His stomach churned uncomfortably as he thought about how she must’ve felt hearing that. “I can’t help but wonder if they got the idea from you.”
She shrugged and blushed, a guilty expression flickering across her face. “I mean, I may have mentioned
that I missed you, but…” She trailed off. At least she had the grace to look ashamed.
“Don’t, Cara. You can’t bring the girls into this. Don’t put adult concerns on them. Don’t manipulate them. And definitely don’t get their hopes up over something that’s never going to happen.” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, trying to contain his anger and frustration. “Did you even have a custody thing to talk to me about this morning, or did you manipulate me, too?”
“No, I—” she started, but then her shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. I just thought…” She bit her lip and took another sip of her latte. “You fought so hard for the girls, I thought that maybe things had changed. That maybe you wanted a family now. To be a family with me. With us.”
Javi’s eyebrows knit together, his chest tight. “I always wanted to be a family with you. But you couldn’t accept that my job, my life, meant that I had to travel a lot and we had to move, sometimes with very little notice. You pushed me away because you resented that lifestyle. Maybe I didn’t fight hard enough, then. I don’t know. Maybe you and I always would’ve split up regardless of the situation. I don’t know that either.” He sighed. “You know, for a long time you made me believe that it was all my fault. That I’d somehow let you down. But the truth is, we let each other down.”
She nodded slowly, taking all of that in. “Okay. Okay. I screwed up. I’m sorry.”
“We both screwed up. But we can try to do better in the future, for Chloe and Olive. We owe them that.” He made a show of checking his watch. “I’m always available to talk if it’s about Chloe and Olive or anything that affects them. But our relationship is only as co-parents. You need to accept that I’ve moved on, and that I’m happy with someone else. And you need to stop filling the girls’ heads with things that aren’t true, or aren’t going to happen. That’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to me.”
She nodded again, her gaze downcast. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Javi. I just…” She peered up at him. “I thought maybe things could be different now. I…I think I got jealous when I found out about you dating someone else, and I just…I started thinking about the past and what I could’ve done differently. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
He nodded and reached out, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “Let’s just move on, okay? Try to get along for the girls? Not cause problems for each other?”
She nodded, blinking rapidly. “Okay. Okay. I can do that.”
He frowned, studying her face. “Hey, why are you crying?” he asked gently.
She stood from their table, taking her latte with her. Then she gave a little laugh and shook her head. “It’s stupid.”
“Are you okay?”
She shrugged. “I think it’s finally hitting me just what I threw away. And then how I punished you for so long for what was mostly my mistake.” She shook her head again, and then headed for the exit.
Javi took his time finishing his own coffee, digesting everything Cara had said. And while it felt good to have some closure—more closure than before, anyway—and to know she finally, truly understood that they were over, something still nagged at him, like a tug somewhere in the depths of his brain. Something in his world was still off-kilter.
He took his coffee and walked the few blocks to the stadium, needing to burn off the restless energy spinning around inside him. He tried calling Aerin, but it went straight to voicemail. He texted her, but she didn’t respond. Given that her phone was practically glued to her hand during working hours, it was odd for her not respond right away. He sent her one last text, checking in to make sure she was okay, even though he had a sinking feeling that she wasn’t.
Eighteen
After Javi’s third text message, Aerin turned her phone off. Then, when she was tempted to turn it back on, she shoved it under a pile of laundry on the floor of her bedroom.
She didn’t want to talk to him right now, mainly because she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to feel, and she didn’t know what to think. So, she spent the next twenty-four hours trying to do anything but think about Javi. The day seemed to fall naturally into chunks of time. She worked. She cleaned. She went for a run. She watched a movie full of explosions and gun fights.
She tried to sleep, and it was when she was lying in bed, waiting for sleep to pull her under, that everything finally crested over her, stealing her breath, making her ache.
Making her miss a man she was pretty sure didn’t love her the way she loved him.
She woke up the next morning feeling hungover, despite the fact that she hadn’t had anything to drink besides water and tea the night before. Her head hurt, and her eyes felt dry and raw. Her skin felt overly sensitive, and her stomach sloshed sickly. And his name beat through her mind over and over again, a relentless, taunting drum. Javi. Javi. Javi.
She forced herself out of bed and into the shower, hoping that if she just focused on one task at a time, if she just kept moving, she’d figure out what to do. What to say. But she’d just emerged from the shower and started the coffee maker when her rescued phone buzzed from where she’d set it on the kitchen counter. With a sigh, she picked it up, answering her doorman’s call.
“Mr. Flores is here to see you.”
Aerin paused for a moment, closing her eyes and chewing on her lip. As much as she was anxious about the conversation to come, she knew it had to happen. “Yes, send him up please.” She hung up the phone and then took a swig of her coffee, but the caffeine did nothing to calm her jittery nerves.
Javi rapped sharply on her door and she opened it, her heart dropping into her stomach at the sight of him.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, stepping inside. “I’ve been worried about you. I tried to get a hold of you all day yesterday, and you left in such a hurry…did something happen?” His brow was furrowed with concern. She swallowed thickly and then led him into the living room, taking a seat on her couch and holding a throw pillow in her lap. She wasn’t sure if it was for comfort or to keep some distance between the two of them. Frankly, she didn’t trust herself not to climb into his lap, even with all of her hurt feelings and doubts.
“No, I’m not really okay. We need to talk.”
His features tightened and he gave a slight nod. He sat on the edge of her sofa, almost hovering, the tension in his muscles palpable. “Okay. What’s going on?”
She took a deep breath, steeling herself. “I know that you lied to me about where you were going for breakfast yesterday.”
He visibly paled. “No, Aerin, I—”
She held up her hand, cutting him off. “Let me say everything I need to say first, okay?” When he nodded and stayed silent, she continued. “I’m not proud of this, but I saw—I mean I read—some of the text messages between you and Cara yesterday morning. I wasn’t trying to snoop, but you asked me to check your phone if it went off, so I did, and then when I saw a message from Cara about looking forward to seeing you again, I…” She trailed off and then shrugged. “I looked. I’m not proud of it. But there were so many messages, Javi. And she was coming on to you and you weren’t exactly putting her off. And you didn’t say a damn word to me about the fact that she clearly wants to get back together with you. You didn’t tell me anything.” She looked up from where she’d been staring at her hands, playing with a loose thread on the edge of the pillow. With a breath, she forced herself to meet his eyes. God, normally she thrived on confrontation, but right now she wanted to run into her room and hide under the covers. “She called me a bitch, and you said nothing. You didn’t defend me. Instead, you made excuses for me, like I’m some clueless oaf because I don’t have kids.” She shook her head, dropping her eyes again. “It was so shitty to read all of that, and then to have you lie right to my face…what am I supposed to think?”
“Fuck, Aerin, I’m so sorry. Let me explain, okay?” He reached out and took one of her restless hands, holding it between the two of his. She managed to nod, not trusting her voice
. “Yes, I had breakfast with Cara yesterday. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. You were already so stressed because of quitting your job. And I didn’t tell you about the other texts because they were meaningless. I have zero interest in Cara romantically. She’ll always be in my life because of the girls, but our relationship is a co-parenting one only. I made that clear to her this morning.”
“And did you tell her not to call me a bitch?”
He let out a little laugh at that, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. “I did. In fact, I think I told her to get your name out of her mouth. I’m sorry, Aerin. I wish you hadn’t read my text messages, but more than that, I’m sorry for what you saw.”
She met his eyes, nodding. “I never meant to invade your privacy. But I’ve been cheated on before, Javi. It’s…it’s a sore spot for me. And when you lied to me…”
His eyes widened. “Do you really think I would cheat on you with Cara?” When she didn’t answer, he held her hand tighter. “Baby, listen. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. Ever. I would never, ever do that to you. With Cara, or with anyone. You know that, right?”
“I do. I’m just…catching you in that lie really shook me, Javi. I’m still reeling.”
“I was trying to protect your feelings because I know about your history with Eric. That was the only reason I didn’t tell you.”
“I don’t need you to protect me, I need you to be honest with me.”
He nodded, closing his eyes for a moment. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I promise it won’t happen again. I’m so sorry.”
She inhaled a shaky breath, gathering up the courage to ask the question she needed to know the answer to. “Where do I fit in your life?”