by Konnie Huq
I think she’s trying to work out whether we had more fun together than Suzie has with her or something like that. Bit FOMO if you ask me!
‘Love to stay and chat, Ali-pie, but gotta run! Catch you later!’ I call out over my shoulder as I race off to the canteen. The last thing I want is to get caught up in a bizarre love triangle with Alison Denbigh and Suzie Ashby.
By the time I reach the canteen, I’m starving. It smells like heaven. The Thai chicken curry option looks AMAZING. I think I’ll get Selina to dish me out an extra ladlefull. Just as I get to the front of the queue, a voice calls out to me.
‘Babes! Don’t forget you’re fasting for Hanukkah!’
It’s Suzie. Great … I’d forgotten about the pork festival lie.
Me: ‘Ramadan actually, and yeah, I was, errr … just queuing to say hi to Selina.’
Suzie: ‘Who?’
Me: ‘Errr, my favourite dinner lady.’
Suzie: ‘What?! Bit weird …’
Me: ‘And, err … to get a drink as well.’
Suzie: ‘OK, well, come find me! We have lots to discuss … like what to wear to the Aliana concert. I’m thinking my pink unicorn jumpsuit. I’ll save you a seat, hun!’
And with that, she flounces off. I look over at Jake and Keziah, who I usually sit with at lunch. They’re deep in conversation. What are they chatting about? They look so intense. Is Jake being mean about me to Keziah? Or maybe I’m just having another bout of FOMO?
‘What ya having, Cookie?’ asks Selina when I get to the front of the lunch queue. ‘Thai chicken curry is my top tip. Double helping for my fave gal?’
‘Oh, no, I’m not hungry, thanks!’ I reply through gritted teeth as Susie smiles at me across the lunch hall. ‘Just wanted to say hi!’
‘Well, hi there, young lady,’ says Selina, baffled, as my stomach growls furiously, begging me to reconsider.
I pour myself a glass of water and wonder who I’ll end up sitting next to. Jake and Keziah or Suzie …
Suzie is sitting alone whereas Jake and Keziah have each other. If I join them I might be interrupting their little party – they look as thick as thieves. Maybe they’re discussing what fun the ‘Save the Planet’ party was without me. I walk over to Suzie and plonk myself down next to her and watch her eat as I sip on my water and starve to death.
Surrounded by the sight of Thai chicken curry, baked potatoes and ratatouille, on top of the sound of clinking knives and forks, I’m ravenous. It’s unbearable!
‘Budge up, guys,’ says Alison, trying to join us.
‘There’s not enough room!’ says Suzie. ‘Besides, Cookie and I are trying to have lunch together. We have Aliana business to discuss.’
‘It’s OK,’ I say, trying to make my escape. ‘I’m not even eating.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ says Suzie, grabbing my hand and pulling me back down.
‘Fine,’ says Alison, walking off to sit on her own.
When lunch is finally over and everyone is playing outside, I leg it back to the canteen to find Selina. I tell her I’m starving and don’t know what came over me earlier when I skipped lunch. She doesn’t even question it! Instead, she immediately sorts me out with a massive baked potato and cheese to go, which I take to the cloakroom and wolf down in a frenzy.
At last, food! Food, glorious food! Bliss! I lean back in between everyone’s jackets and bags, relieved that I’ve finally managed to eat something. All of a sudden I hear sniffling and realise that someone is crying. I duck down, hiding behind a bunch of coats, and sneak a tiny peak. There, coming out of the girls’ toilets and sobbing into a wad of loo roll, red-eyed and miserable, is Alison Denbigh.
Poor Alison! I can’t help but feel this is all my fault.
CHAPTER 9
The F Factor
In class that afternoon, Alison is acting like the crying episode never happened. She’s trying really hard to impress Suzie and is being all smiley and giggly, and constantly whispering stuff to her. I say ‘trying’ because Suzie isn’t giving much back. Alison keeps persevering though. Did I imagine the whole crying thing? Is my brain playing tricks on me due to a lack of food? I definitely saw her crying. I know I did. Plus, on closer inspection her eyes do look a bit red and puffy.
I feel sorry for Alison. Imagine being so on edge about your friendship and constantly having to put on a show for Suzie the whole time. It must be utterly exhausting. Suzie is so high maintenance. Maybe I should just let Jake go to the Aliana gig instead of me. It would probably be a really stressful evening with Suzie there anyway and he’s much more laid-back than I am.
No one in class is paying much attention to the lesson. There’s loads of hushed chattering and murmuring going on. Mrs Mannan is getting really annoyed but can’t do much about it as she’s struggling to work her new electronic whiteboard. It keeps crashing whenever she tries to write on it. ‘Turn it off then on again,’ says Jake, trying to be helpful. ‘That often does the trick.’
Mrs Mannan clearly doesn’t appreciate his offer of technological expertise.
‘I know what to do, thank you very much, Jake Kay,’ she snaps. ‘If I need your help, I’ll ask for it.’
‘Sorry I even spoke,’ mumbles Jake.
‘Good!’ she replies sternly. ‘Because as you know, Jake, talking out of turn in class is against school policy.’
She looks back at the whiteboard, flustered, then turns it off and on again to try and reboot it.
Having never ever mentioned the Aliana tickets before, out of the blue Jake casually brings them up.
‘So, what are you gonna do with your Aliana tickets? Any ideas?’
This is awkward. He obviously wants them.
‘I, errr … need to see … Roubi might want to go with me,’ I blurt out, trying to think on my feet. I hate lying to Jake – it feels awful. Here I am judging Suzie on how she treats Alison and meanwhile I’m acting no better myself. The shame!
‘Roubi?!’ he says, surprised. ‘I wouldn’t have thought Aliana would be her thing.’
‘She goes through all sorts of strange phases,’ I lie.
More lying. I hate it. I try to convince myself I’m lying to protect Jake’s feelings, that I’m a nice person really. But my FOMO means I can’t quite bring myself to give up the ticket.
‘No worries’, says Jake understandingly. ‘Roubi is your sister. Of course you have to give it to her!’ This makes me feel even worse.
‘Hush, Jake, please!!!’ snaps Mrs Mannan. ‘I’m trying to concentrate! I’m convinced this thing has gremlins in it,’ she adds, angrily pressing buttons on the whiteboard control and furiously leafing through the user manual.
‘Gremlins?!’ repeats Alison, turning pale.
‘Yeah, means it’s haunted,’ says Suzie, trying to wind Alison up, which is pretty easy to do as she’s really gullible – she’ll believe just about anything!
‘My mum told me this whole school is haunted,’ says Finlay Riordan. ‘It was built in Victorian times when there were loads of ghosts around. Once she even went to see a psychic called Mystical Marjorie who told her that she would soon have a minor injury. Three weeks later, she tripped up in the playground and cut her chin.’
Everyone gasps.
‘What’s a psychic?’ asks Alison.
‘Someone who can talk to ghosts,’ replies Suzie matter-of-factly.
Alison lets out a loud yelp, all remaining colour draining from her face. Jake rolls his eyes. ‘I can’t believe anybody still believes in ghosts in this day and age. And pleeaaasssse don’t get me started on psychics.’
‘I know, right?’ I agree. ‘There’s no science behind them whatsoever. Such a waste of time and money.’
‘Total con!’ he nods. We laugh.
‘Talking of ghosts,’ I say, ‘Alison looks like one right now.’
We both glance over at her. She’s wide-eyed and white as a sheet. We laugh some more – probably a bit too loudly.
‘STOP!!!!’ screams Mrs Mannan, clearly at the end
of her tether. Alison falls off her chair, terrified that the screaming has come from the haunted whiteboard.
‘All this talking ends NOW!’ snaps Mrs Mannan. She then proceeds to separate me and Jake. Suzie instantly shoots her hand up in the air and offers to swap places with him so SHE can sit next to ME! Uh oh … she’ll probably just want to talk about unicorns and the Aliana gig the whole time. This could be FULL-ON.
After school finishes for the day, the six of us F-Factorers make our way to the gym hall for our first meeting. We’re all really excited.
‘Isn’t karate club usually in the hall after school today?’ asks Alison.
‘Yeah, that’s a good point. But we need to use the stage for our acts so we have to be in here,’ declares Suzie.
‘Hang on!’ says Alison. ‘We’re no way near stage-ready.’
‘I am,’ replies Suzie.
‘Seriously?’ I say. ‘Me and Keziah don’t even know what we’re doing for our act yet.’
‘You’re doing an act together?’ says Suzie, as though she’s actually jealous. ‘It’s just … I thought maybe you and I would do something together, Cookie, babes?’
‘Huh?’ says Alison, looking distraught for about the millionth time today.
‘Thought you were stage-ready?’ says Jake. ‘Hardly stage-ready if you don’t even know whether you’re in an act with Cookie or not.’
‘Just an alternative option,’ says Suzie, shrugging. ‘No matter. I’m better off solo anyway.’
‘Or we could do something together, Suzie?’ Alison offers.
Suzie just laughs this off. Poor Alison. This really isn’t her day.
The back half of the hall is full of karate clubbers warming up on mats. We sit on some benches at the front near the stage, as none other than Mrs Edmonds enters the room.
‘Is she taking karate club these days?’ I ask. ‘Poor karate clubbers. That must be ZERO fun.’
‘Bet they’re wishing they’d never signed up,’ laughs Keziah.
‘Bet she’s a black belt,’ says Axel.
She probably is a black belt – not only in karate but in every martial art going.
But instead of heading towards the karate clubbers, Edmonds walks right past them and straight over to us. Great. Here goes. She’s gonna tell us off for loitering after school or something. Well, we aren’t loitering, Mrs Edmonds. We are F-Factorers! So you can take your one thousand press-ups AND your detention and give them to someone else, thank you very much!
‘Right then, you lot,’ she booms. ‘Let’s get to it!’
She winks at us all. Get to what?
Huh?! What on earth is going on? More mind games? We look at each other, nervous and confused. Are we about to be punished? She hasn’t even accused us of loitering yet.
Edmonds clears her throat with a deep cough, and says, ‘Welcome to the F Factor!’
What?! Why would Mrs Edmonds be taking us for the F Factor? Was the drama teacher off sick? In what way is Mrs Edmonds even qualified to do something like this? Maybe she entertained the troops in a warzone?
‘Looks like our F Factor gang are one and the same as last Monday’s detention group!’ she says. ‘All my favourite students! What fun!’
Favourite students?! You don’t even know us! You’ve only met us once. And we hardly spoke! We just picked up rubbish!
She then turns to Alison and says, ‘As for you, you look like someone’s just decapitated your favourite teddy bear. Come on, cheer up!’
Alison attempts a weak smile but it’s convincing no one. Poor Alison. Again.
Edmonds then goes on to tell us about The Forest Factor. Yep, you heard me. Forest! Not fame. Not fortune. Not fun. And not any other good F words either. Just forest.
Ugh! I could have put that twenty-five pounds towards my new bike. I’ll never afford it now. So tragic! Instead, I’ll be doing ‘fun’ things in the great outdoors like picking up rotten, mouldy baguettes, no doubt. We’ve basically all just paid twenty-five pounds to be in detention every week for the whole term!!!! Unbelievable!!!
Suzie and Alison make out that they knew the F Factor was Forest Club all along.
Suzie always has to save face in life and can never front up to getting anything wrong. This time it’s much to Alison’s delight as it gives them something to bond over.
Axel is also thrilled but, then again, he was thrilled to be in actual detention so this comes as no great surprise. Plus, apparently, he loves forests! He and Keziah even high-five each other! I think she’s a bit relieved. For Keziah, anything is better than performing on a stage or being in a talent show, even if it involves picking up rotten old baguettes off the floor. There’s no worry of drying up on stage with Forest Club, I guess.
I lean over and whisper to Jake, ‘Are we actually gonna stick with this thing?’
‘Well, we’ve paid for it,’ he shrugs, ‘and it keeps us out the house.’
Jake never seems to want to go home these days. So odd.
He’s right though. We have paid, so we may as well get our money’s worth. Maybe it will be fun? We actually ended up having a laugh picking up rubbish. My inner FOMO is telling me that I don’t want to miss out on anything. Whatever that ‘anything’ might be …
CHAPTER 10
Forest Club
The rest of the meeting is taken up with ‘housekeeping announcements’. In other words, admin and rules. Boring! This includes what clothing is suitable for Forest Club, how bad behaviour won’t be tolerated at Forest Club and what we can all expect to be doing at Forest Club. We’re also told that if we really earn it, there will be an extra-special something for us all to look forward to. Woo hoo!!! Let me guess … a ‘Picking Up Fox Poo’ party!
At least if there is a party, it’ll be an eco-friendly one. Forest Club is about all things nature and all things environment. We are way more likely to save the planet here than at any ‘Save the Planet’ party of Suzie’s.
Mrs Edmonds passes some handouts around: a list of appropriate outdoor-wear like waterproofs and wellington boots; a list of handy accessories like compasses and torches; and finally a reading list, including books like The Outdoor Survival Handbook and The Secret Life of Trees. She says this is in case we fancy some extra bedtime reading. Errr … let me think about that … The Secret Life of Trees? No, thanks!
‘Torch?’ says Keziah, reading off the list of essentials. ‘Are we gonna be in the dark?’
‘If it gets dark,’ says Edmonds bluntly.
Keziah looks a tad freaked out.
‘Will there be ghosts?’ asks Alison.
‘There might be …’ replies Mrs Edmonds, ‘if such a thing as ghosts exist.’
Now Alison looks freaked out too. F Factor? More like Freak-Out Factor!
Alison tells us afterwards that next month her parents are taking the whole family on a weekend away to her great-aunt’s mansion. It’s a big deal as lots of her relatives are flying in from abroad. Her great-aunt lives in an amazing old stately home in the countryside, but Alison has read on the Internet that it’s rumoured the lady of the house from Georgian times still roams the corridors at night.
Ever since then she’s been in a right state. She says that most nights she doesn’t sleep at all for worrying about ghosts.
Poor Alison. I guess that explains why she’s so jumpy and fragile at the moment.
This club is certainly not doing anything to relieve our fears. If we end up climbing trees, which we might well do considering trees are what you get in forests, then Axel will be terrified too, what with his fear of heights. If we’re outdoors the whole time, I’m sure there’ll be lots of droppings and poo about the place, not to mention other germs and bacteria to freak Suzie out. And my FOMO has already struck, otherwise I would have left Forest Club by now! That only leaves Jake ‘I’m not scared of anything’ Kay. If he was scared of forests then we’d have a full house on the fear bingo checklist!
‘Sorry, miss,’ Jake pipes up bravely, ‘but I’ve got
to ask … what’s all this F Factor stuff got to do with being talented?’
None of us had dared to question the fact that the advert for the F Factor we’d seen on the noticeboard had been more than a little misleading. Well, not until now, that is. We’d all kept quiet, fearing the wrath of Edmonds.
Uh oh! What have you done, Jake? Edmonds obviously wanted to trick us into joining her weird Forest Club. No one would have signed up if the poster had told the truth …
Does he seriously want us to get some horrific punishment because of him and his braveness?! We’ve all been keeping our mouths shut for a reason. Edmonds clears her throat. Uh oh … we’re in for it now …
‘Very good, Kay. Very perceptive,’ she barks, delighted. ‘You will need to be talented because forest school is all about survival. Survival of the forest! Survival of the fittest!’
Forest school? I thought this was a club?! Survival?! We’re not in a war zone!! Survival of the fittest?! Well, that rules me out.
You’re not in the army now, Edmonds, although she clearly still thinks she is. All this barking at people and calling them by their surnames, not to mention her love of punishment!
As we leave the meeting, Axel looks like he’s about to burst with excitement. What a weirdo. The rest of us, on the other hand, are a bit more unsure.
The week flies by and before we know it, we find ourselves at our first official Forest Club meeting. We all gather in the playground. Axel has drawn war stripes on his cheeks with face paint and is wearing a head band.