by CJ Hawk
"You have twenty-four hours to stop by the office to file your report. If this is going to be a regular thing I have to deal with, then you are going to be at my office every single time, writing up the report for me and doing my filing. Twenty-four hours or I'll have Deputy Mike come arrest you."
I pouted my lips, glared his direction as my hands instinctively went to my hips, and a go fuck yourself look set on my face. That got a huge roll of laughter out of him, and he was in the sheriff's car and driving away with the lights on in a matter of seconds.
I doubted he had anywhere to go. He was probably one of those cops that just liked to put his lights on and speed, to get wherever he was going just because he wanted to. I guess with his new authority, not to add to the fact that a body and smile like he had, he probably could get away with just about anything he wanted to. That would include seducing me if he so desired. If it wasn't his sexy as sin smile that made me want to crumble it was his piercing steel blue eyes with his dark-brown hair setting those eyes on fire. And, if I was to be completely honest with myself, it was his muscular body and authoritative demeanor that made me want him to be my personal rescue hero.
All of these thoughts about the new Sheriff Cal raised a serious question in my mind, would I be finding more trouble - intentionally, no - or would more trouble be finding me. I shook that thought off as I opened up my door to unit number two in my fourplex of tiny white row homes that looked like summer cottages, compliments of my landlord and her great skill for gardening.
I got inside my tiny home, sat down in my chair looking out at the gardens that old Ms. Mallei, my landlord, worked on religiously and started to cry. Unfortunately, my pity party ended quickly with a solid hard knock at my door.
I opened it quickly without thinking about wiping my eyes or looking to see who was behind my door, when none other than Sheriff Cal stood there with my purse strap in his hand, holding it up in front of my face. I looked down and thanked him, and I saw a quick flash of emotion in his face. I grabbed my purse, started to turn and close the door when I heard him clear his throat, and watched him put his foot in my door. "Sorry Kia but I have to ask you to come back with me to the station right now. I need you to submit to a piss test. Deputy Mike saw you drinking a beer with some women right before the accident."
"But I passed the roadside sobriety test." I started to doubt that what I saw was an empathy emotion right before he lodged his foot in my door but a flash of some kind of giddy he got from riling up the locals.
"Nonetheless. Piss test." He stepped inside, and I stepped back. "Go wash that melted chocolate off your face, and we can go."
I turned to walk towards my bathroom then felt his footsteps behind me. I turned back around, and I ran smack dab into a solid brick wall of olive green soft cotton tee shirt, letting the melted M&M mess from my face land squarely on his upper chest of his shirt. I remembered back distinctly while the rescue crew worked the jaws of life on my car, I was shoving handfuls of quickly melting candy into my mouth. Then just as the cutter made its way through the metal roof, the front windshield popped forward in one solid piece, and everyone started to laugh. Cal's voice broke through the laughter with a 'someone just help her crawl out on the hood' authoritative voice. At that memory, I grabbed a fistful of Cal's shirt letting my hand brush at his naked stomach underneath. I wiped my face off and put a smirk on my face, then let the fistful of shirt go and letting the back of my hand brush across his six-pack of muscular structure. I felt a flinch of his muscles tighten, and a quick flash of lust crossed my new sheriff's face.
"You missed a spot." His laughter felt like nails on a chalkboard. How could he laugh at this entire situation so easily when all I wanted to do was kiss that smug look off his face? I really wanted to let my hands explore his naked body, those hard muscles, those broad shoulders, those... My thoughts got interrupted with a sharp snap of my name. "Kia?"
Hiding my embarrassment, I stomped the rest of the way back into the bathroom to grab a wet washcloth and wipe my face. There was only a small chocolate smear, but I wiped it off any ways. My mascara, on the other hand, began to run down my face in black water like streaks. I guess I should have known better to wear waterproof mascara today. I began to fix my makeup when I caught a look from Cal out of the corner of my eye in the mirror. He was watching me with a look of sexual interest in his eyes as he leaned into the doorframe of my bathroom. I felt a small prowess build in me, and I began to play with putting on my makeup in a sexual fashion.
Before I knew it, he blurted out. "That's enough. It's not a fashion contest, just a piss test. I still need to make it into work for my first day. Christ woman, when they warned me about you, I had no idea that they weren't kidding."
I turned and stomped my left foot hard on his running shoe, oozed out a fake 'oops, I'm sorry' then brushed passed him with a side shoulder hit into his rock hard upper body and headed right to my room to change. I slammed and locked the door behind me and listened to his voice through my door as I rubbed my shoulder. I think I hurt my shoulder and foot more than his. He was built rock solid, and I was built like the five foot six inch lightweight frame God gave me.
His voice penetrated my locked door while I quickly changed out of my summer shorts and tank top to a long-sleeve denim button shirt and jeans. I had a feeling, that by the time we were done and the sun was going down it would be cold, and I was planning on walking home the two miles from the sheriff station. "Now Kia, we don't need to get off on the wrong foot. Your reputation precedes yourself. However, I'll have you know that I ran a marine platoon, and I've come across a lot tougher than a woman like you."
I opened the door and looked him square in the eyes. "A woman like me?"
"You might want to finish buttoning your shirt before I have to add indecent exposure to those charges." I looked down and noticed my black lace bra was front and center, and my denim shirt was loose and open to show off my B cup boobies for all to see. They weren't huge, but they were being pushed right up there by my demi push-up bra complements of V's Secrets. Right now, my bra is no secret.
I turned around and finished buttoning my shirt, the shirt I inadvertently forgot to button at the snap remark about a woman like me. For now, I was going to let that one go. I grabbed my walking shoes out of my closet and sat down to put them on. I never once looked Sheriff Cal in the eyes until we got back to the police station, and he informed me that he was the one that had to watch me take the piss test.
"What do you mean there are no females on staff to watch me?"
"Baby shower. They all took off, and since I was only coming in to get my uniforms and paperwork today, the rest of the office is short staffed. If my truck hadn't broken down I would be back at home right now catching the last of the final four games on TV."
I looked around the office and there was two other older gentleman who worked with Sheriff Cleat for thirty years - twenty-five of them dealing with me. I did not like my options. Neither of those men were going to get me to pee into a cup in front of them.
"Fine." I grabbed the pee cup and marched off towards the restroom, listening for the sounds of one Sheriff Cal Taylor ramble on about missing the basketball game, and somebody should have warned him more about me.
We stood there face to face in the bathroom stall. He was standing with both his hands on the top edge of the metal bathroom stall walls, and the door kicked open, off to the side. I stood there holding the pee cup between us with pleading eyes, fully dressed and unable to pee in front of a man. My nerves were feeling like they were at the end of their rope, and my eyes were beginning to brim with tears.
"I can't pee. I don't have to. It was only one beer at lunch. Call over to where I ate, and they can confirm it. I don't think I can pee in front of a man."
"Don't move." He marched out of the ladies restroom and was back with a bottle of water. He flipped the water faucet on and let the water run down the drain, I guess in hopes the sound of running water would speed
the process up. He handed me the bottle of water and gave me that smile that I was beginning to confuse with sexy when really it was probably a smile he used when he wanted his way with the women. "Drink this. All of this. Listen to the water and plop a squat. Think of me as just an officer of the law. Visualize I'm a woman. There's nothing on you, I haven't seen a million times before."
I let myself try to visualize those six-pack of abs and muscular chest in a woman's dress, his dark short cut hair in a woman's blonde wig and hairy muscular legs in heels and pantyhose, and I started to laugh. I snorted out a laugh that embarrassed the shit out of me. "Hardly." Was the only word that came out of my mouth.
His eyes turned to a glare, and he pronounced my word in repetition with a question mark. "Hardly?"
I caught my breath from laughing and quickly replaced the mental image of Sheriff Cal as a woman and visualized the huge line of gorgeous women lined up behind him waiting for a chance at Sheriff Cal's naked hard body. I squared my shoulders and for women everywhere who waste their time pining over a man like Sheriff Cal, I drank the entire bottle of water and handed off the empty bottle to him. I unscrewed the cap to the piss cup and handed him the cap. I unzipped my jeans, thankful my denim top was extra-long to cover me, dropped to the toilet seat with the piss cup in my hand and shoved it between my legs.
Nothing. Not a drop. I cleared my throat several times and he never once took his eyes off of me. Something in his eyes softened on me a bit. Maybe it was the blue in them that made me think of storm clouds brewing. Maybe it was the way the blacks of his eyes enlarged a bit for a flash and returned to normal. Maybe it was the fact that for five whole minutes, I sat on that toilet with my hand under me trying my dandiest to pee and just could not let a drop loose.
"Christ woman. You are as tough as they say. Forget it. It's been over three hours since you slammed your car between those boulders, six hours since you had a beer at lunch. I'm hungry, tired, got a truck to fix and a game to catch. Meet me in my office once you're done."
I sat in that bathroom for fifteen more minutes. Not a single drop of pee. I washed my hands, applied makeup from my purse, filed my nails, texted Meg with an update of where I was at and called my mother back to answer her questions about me being on the five o'clock news. Apparently, through all the mess, I did not notice a news crew there. And, they always revamped my previous mishaps. I was a local mess a muck that kept everyone busy with conversations for the next week or two until some other caper came our way. I should be proud to carry the title of the county, but instead I was feeling like my time had come for things to change.
Just as I hung up with my mom, the bathroom door flung open. Cal stood there with a look on his face that made me want to melt. "Let's go."
I questioned what he meant. "Go where?"
"Home."
"I can walk."
"Suit yourself." Then he turned and walked back out of the women's restroom. I quickly went running after him.
"Does this mean I don't have to pee in a cup?"
"Yup." He kept on walking until he got to his office. I tossed the unused pee cup into an empty trash can en route to follow him at a brisk pace. He grabbed three uniforms on hangers in dry cleaner bags and turned back towards me closing his door behind him.
"What about the paperwork?" I wasn't sure, but the old Sheriff Cleat had never made me do my own paperwork or file. In fact, most times he never filed paperwork on me at all, not to mention he changed facts to keep the media from the real scandalous story, but something told me he didn't keep it from himself or the new Sheriff Cal Taylor.
"Forget about it." His look softened a bit, but his body language gave me the impression he couldn't get away from me quick enough.
"So does that mean there won't be charges?" I fidgeted with my purse and looked down the hall to see that the next shift of staff was starting to arrive.
"Nope. And don't take the next thing I say wrong, but I hope we don't meet again."
At that instant, my heart sank. I had some stupid romantic notion back in the bathroom that I had a glimmer of hope that Sheriff Cal and I, were going to get to know each other on a much more intimate level when I wasn't getting in trouble or being rescued. I guess the disappointment showed on my face as a soft set of words left his lips.
"Nothing personable. It's just I took this job hoping for a nice quiet town." He turned and began walking down the hallway, and I turned the other direction and began to walk out the front doors of the sheriff station for the umpteenth time in my life.
I hadn't made it ten blocks before I had to pee. I walked three more blocks convincing myself I didn't need to go and two more blocks after that, I spent looking for a huge bush to pee behind. The sun was down, and it was dark enough that no one would see. I still had a bit to go and no business in sight to use their facilities, so I noticed a small run-down house set back away from the street and some unruly bushes. I took a quick look around, and the house seemed empty; I unzipped my jeans, squatted down and took the longest piss of my life.
Only problem was, sometime during that piss a set of headlights illuminated my naked ass in the bushes, and me squatting down. The next thing I saw were red and blue flashing lights for a second and a voice coming over the sheriff's car intercom. "You have got to be kidding me. Now you can pee?"
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Sample Chapters of Now Why'd You Have To Go And Do A Thing Like That
Hollywood takes in Alabama, but not for long. One woman thought she wanted the glamorous life but what she got was a backstabbing best friend and her spot on prime-time television for the entire world to see. Back home, no one seemed to care that she had gone and screwed up her life, but there was one question on the tip of her own tongue that kept repeating itself. "Why'd you have to go and do a thing like that?" Not once did she see it coming, but when she went about making the same mistakes back home in Alabama, she knew she needed to get her wits about her. Only problem was, that the one man who mattered most might have decided she was too much drama to handle. It wasn't her fault that she was born with a magical drama disaster wand or was it? Could she learn to be the woman she was raised to be and let the man of her dreams know how much she loves him back, or is it too late, and he decides that loving her hurts too much to be rejected again? Sometimes a southern man knows that if you love someone, she is worth it all in the end. Can this starlet claim Sweet Home Alabama once again?
Favorite quote that describes it all. "I was born with a tiara on my head and magical wand that created plumes of drama whenever I waved it."
Chapter One
"It's a cat fight; that's what it is." I turned to my best friend Lisa with a coy smile after watching two women go at in the bar. Hair pulling, claws flying, expensive clothes ripping and harsh words their mothers never thought they would hear out of their daughters. "Thank God, we'd never be like that." I tossed in for a confirmation, as things have been a little strange lately. She smiled back, but her eyes said something else altogether unnamable with what I had just stated. I had no idea that what was coming my way would have made the Japan tsunami look like a wading pool splash.
Rumor has it. Rumor has it. Those three lousy words rolled through my brain over and over for hours, reaching over forty-eight hours at this point. Lack of sleep. I've got it. Red itchy burning eyes from crying, I've got it. Puffy face and the hiccups, I've got those too. However, what I don't got - is the fact that it was happening to us, Lisa and me. We were the Rumor Has It gals now, and I wasn't sure if a cat fight would make me feel better or worse. What she had done was far worse than my worst nightmare and none of it was true, well some of it. "But why?" I had cried out those words repeatedly, to myself, to my mother, to my father, my sister Claire while she bathed her twin girls and now to my cat, Snickerdoodle. The one creature I know that will not judge me or believe what is being said.
My entire life was now being splashed across the Hollywood media, for all to judge. Every pict
ure, racy or not, was being sold to any tabloid willing to buy it. What was worse, I wasn't some Hollywood Starlet. I had wanted to be, but I was the Hollywood Entertainment News reporter, the one that usually reported the scoop.
Now I was in my apartment, fuzzy jammies, fuzzy hair, holding my cat, watching my ex-employer and some new bimbo read off the teleprompter, all the juice about me that Lisa spilled. Watching pictures of me in my long brunette hair with a Brazilian blowout, sparkling hazel eyes, and my three hour a day of strict workout regimen body be turned into a woman out of control. Somebody had made my eyes look dull, my skin over tanned, my hair in massive need of conditioner and a muffin top on some of these pictures. "A muffin top!" I practically screamed and cried at the same time to the confines of my bedroom walls. If they could talk back, they would have told me that I did not have nor did I ever have a 'muffin top' and that Lisa was going to pay for what she did.
This rumor juice would have flown under the radar for most, but Lisa timed it just right. I was about to be promoted to lead interviewer which meant a lot more Hollywood parties and a gig as a sidekick in a new movie. It was a small part but a start in acting that I had been working for. My career was going up, up, up and hers... well she had just been laid off as restaurant manager at an elite Hollywood restaurant.
If it was money she had wanted, I would have given it to her, but it was my boyfriend she wanted along with the money, that came with selling the story and all those darn cell phone pictures we took of each other doing really stupid stuff. Not to mention she videotaped my confession of my pregnancy conception from Hollywood's latest hunk. A videotape I was not aware of; damn camera phones. A pregnancy I wasn't sure I was going to keep, and I definitely didn't want my current boyfriend Crispin to find out about unless I planned to keep the pregnancy.