"You're right. I need to go do something, but when I come back, let's watch some movies and just have a lazy day today" Her eyes kind of lit up a little bit and some of her spark came back.
"You have lazy days every day. Are you serious about watching some movies? You're actually going to sit with me in the living room and WATCH TV?" One thing about Claudia is that sometimes the simple things in life, like spending a day just watching movies, will make her happy!
"Yes, Claud. Watch TV! I won't be gone long. Maybe an hour and then I'll be right back."
"Ok, I'll be here waiting." She gave me a quick hug and walked into the living room, looking for some movies to watch when I got back.
*****************
I pulled into the cemetery, after stopping at the store to get some flowers to put on the tombstones. I had meant to come yesterday for Derek's birthday, but Claudia changed things up a little and I didn't want her to know how often I came to visit. The leaves on the trees have been changing and all of the fall colors made the cemetery look even more welcoming, as I pulled up to where Derek and the kids were buried.
There was a big oak tree with a bench next to it where their plots were and I would come up here often, while Claudia was at work, listening to music and spending time with them, reminiscing about our lives and talking to them like they were right there. Sometimes I could see them. They wouldn't ever speak to me of course, and I'm sure it was just a figment of my imagination, but it gave me some sense of peace somehow.
I knew why I had to come here. It's time for me to move on. Not forget them, but move forward with my life and not be so dependent on having to come here to feel near them. I reach for the flowers and get out of the car and head over to the headstones. I had buried Derek and Jenna side by side and Jordan and Jeremiah behind them. In my mind, it was to have them closer together, but after coming to visit so much it seemed easier to talk to all of them, when I would sit between Derek and Jenna's headstones and face Jordan and Jeremiah's. I take away the flowers that I brought a few days ago off all of them and put the new flowers in the vase that was attached to the tombstone.
On Derek's headstone, I had a figurine of a muscle car encased on his. Jordan has a baseball on his. Jeremiah has a basketball and for Jenna, I put a ballerina figurine. It was a piece of something they all loved. I sit down in my spot, between Derek's and Jenna's headstone and face the boys'. I need to get started on what I came to do, but I can't come up with the words. All I can do is sit there with tears streaming down my face and play with my hair, while building up the courage to talk.
"I really don't know how to say this to all of you, but I've come to the decision that coming here so much, is not helping me as much as I thought it was. I'm not letting go and I'm not going to stop visiting, but I just...." This hurts so much more than I thought it was going to. I feel like a dam is about to bust.
"I have to start doing something with my life. Claudia needs me, your grandparents need me, and I have to learn how to stand on my own two feet again." The dam burst. I sit there, not able to say anything for a few minutes, until I can compose myself.
"I have to get past this guilt that I have of not dying with you. I still don't have an answer as to why I didn't die along with you, other than it just....it just wasn't my time and God decided you needed to be with him more than you needed to be with me.” Oh God, this hurts. It's like dealing with everything that happened all over again. I'm finally accepting the fact that I'm never going to see them again or be there for them. I always put them first above my needs and since they weren't here for me to dote on, I've been lost. It's time for me to focus on ME and my new path in life. I lift my head up with a new awareness.
"I'm going to still come visit you all like I said, but it’s time for me to focus on me for a change, so it won’t be as often as it was. I love you all very much and I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you, but it has gotten easier the last couple of days and that's thanks to Claudia for opening my eyes to a few things. So, for now, I'm going to say goodbye and I will come back to visit soon. You're all still in my heart and that's something that no one can change. Just remember how much I love every one of you."
I sit there for a few more minutes, just looking at each headstone, picturing our wedding, each child's births, all of us at family dinners, ball games, the kids riding their bikes and Derek and I holding hands, walking behind them and it was like my whole life with them flashed before my eyes. I pick up the old flowers and throw them into the nearest trash receptacle and start walking back to my car. As I am getting in, I notice a little sports car pulling in and I really didn't think anything of it, until I saw who got out of it. It was Cash Kingston, with a big bouquet of what looked like white roses, with a somber look on his face.
I hurry up and get into my car, because a cemetery is not exactly the place you want to run into someone and chit chat with. As I'm slowly driving out of the cemetery, I see Cash stop at a headstone and he gently put the flowers on top of it and dropped to his knees, as if he fell. He put his face in his hands and I could tell that he was sobbing. At that moment, I wanted to run out of my car and go comfort him, but I knew he would be embarrassed and we had only just met last night, but it broke my heart to see him in that state of mind.
Seeing him in this way helped make my decision in taking his job offer. He has the same look in his eyes that I've had this past year and a half and I've been wallowing in my grief in my own way by hiding in my room. I haven't had anyone to depend on me, like he does. I now understand why the kids have a nanny. It's not because he's cold and callous. It's because he's still living in the past and can't move forward. I for one know that feeling more than anyone.
This is why I have to be strong, for his and Vanessa's kids. As much as it's going to bruise my heart to get attached to them, because I only see it as a temporary job, it’s what I know in my heart I should do. I glance back one more time before I pull out of the cemetery and he's still there in the same spot I had last seen him. I inwardly say a prayer for him and pull out and head home.
CHAPTER FIVE
The next morning I woke up feeling refreshed and rested. Claudia and I had watched three comedies that had me laughing so hard my stomach was killing me. It was nice to just be back to myself and relax and kick back and just feel normal for a change. She was telling me about some of the people that she works with, which caused me to be quite hesitant about applying for the file clerk job. The way she was talking about some of her bosses had me scared to death. She seems to fit right in with them and doesn't ever take any crap from anyone, but I'm the complete opposite and they would probably eat me alive!
She never did mention me applying for that job again and I never brought it up. I didn't even tell her I was going to take the job that Cash offered me, because I wasn't sure when I was going to call him and let him know. I go into the kitchen to make some coffee and I see the note that she had left me on the fridge.
“I had an absolute blast last night!! Love you!!!! You promised me a meatloaf dinner tonight when I get home from work. Please, pretty please don't back out, because I LOVE MEATLOAF and I have missed your cooking. Text me when you have a set time on dinner, so that I won't be late!! Muah!!!!! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo”
Oh lord she cracks me up. I did tell her that I would start pulling my weight around here and that I would start cooking dinner every night, instead of her staying late for work and picking something up on her way home. She had jumped up and squealed like a little girl and gave me a big kiss, because she was so excited and requested meatloaf for her first meal. That's another reason why I haven't called Cash. Now that I'm thinking clearly, I owe Claudia a lot of one on one time and I want the two full weeks to spoil her a little with my cooking, because I used to love to cook and am quite good at it.
As I'm fixing me a cup of coffee, my cell phone rings and I'm completely confused by the caller ID. It says "Mr. Blue Eyes" and I have no idea who that could be. I hesitate,
to send the call to voicemail, but my curiosity was killing me.
"Hello?" I hear a very deep voice on the line asking for me.
"Hello, may I speak to Olivia please?" Ok, well, whoever this is, he called the right person.
"This is she." Blue eyes, the only blue eyes that I can remember are... Oh my gosh! CASH!
"Oh, well hello, nice to speak to you again. This is Cash, Cash Kingston. We met the other night at The Plaza."
Why is he calling me and how did he get my number? Oh. I was pretty lit that night. I bet Claudia gave it to him and is the one that put him under "Mr. Blue Eyes". Oh, I'm going to kill her.
"Oh yes. I remember meeting you. How are you doing?" How are you doing? That's what I ask?
"I'm really glad you remember me, you were quite wasted when you and Claud left. I was afraid you would have forgotten my name.” Great! The one and only time I've gotten drunk in how long? Forever!
"I normally don't drink, but occasionally, and I promise that won't happen again, but yes, I do remember meeting you. Is there something I can help you with? Are you looking for Claudia? She's at work. Do you need her cell number?" Really. Why is he calling me?
"Oh no, I got Claudia's number the other night, too. I was calling you, actually. I was wondering if you had thought about taking the nanny position I offered you." Wow! Persistent isn't he. I figured I would call him sometime this weekend and tell him. He had said two weeks, hadn't he? Maybe I didn't hear him right.
"Well, I guess since you called I guess I can tell you now. I was going to call you this weekend, if you hadn't filled the position, but yes, I have decided to take the job. You said your nanny was leaving in two weeks right?"
"No, one week." One week? I wasn't drunk when he told me about the position. I remember now, he did say two weeks.
"Didn't you say she put her two weeks’ notice in?" Maybe I didn't hear right.
“You are correct. She did put her two weeks’ notice in, but she just called to tell me that her aunt is in bad health and her cousins can't stay with her as long as they had planned on, so she needs to be on the first flight out to Arizona Saturday morning. So, you would start Sunday."
What? This coming Sunday? But that only gives me and Claud one week of catching up and making up, for the hell that I've put her through. One week Granted, we will have weekends, but still...One week?
"Sunday huh? Well, I guess I can manage that, but don't you think I should meet the kids before Sunday? Don't you think it would be a shock to come home from their grandparents and find a new nanny that they don't even know, waiting for them?" He started to say something, but didn't. It sounded like he was thinking about what I asked, because he kept clearing his throat.
"No, they should be fine, but if you would rather meet them before you make your decision, I would understand." He sounded kind of put out at my question.
"I'm only mentioning it, because well, what if they don't like me? Have you called any agencies to try to get anyone, before you asked me?" It took him awhile to answer and I'm beginning to think we lost our connection. I look at my cell phone and nope, full bars, and it shows that he's still there.
"Mrs. Williamson worked for me for a few years and I would rather not bring a stranger into my house and I guess I ought to tell you the truth. I'm afraid if I call an agency, my front door would probably turn into a revolving door, because of Gideon." Oh boy. Here we go.
"Eden seems to be a sweet little girl, according to Mrs. Williamson and she said that she's never had a problem with her, but Gideon is a different story." Different story? Oh lord. What does he mean by that?
"Different story? Can you elaborate please?" Yes. Please elaborate, because now I'm confused and wondering if I should do this or not.
"He's just your typical boy. Quite rowdy and well, I've already told you that he would like to give Mrs. Williamson surprises, like frogs and lizards and Snakes. But he's only done that once! I promise." Snakes? Oh boy! Well, he's 7 and Jeremiah was like that, always bringing me "surprises", just to see my reaction and I would always calmly act like it didn't bother me. But I'm sensing there's more to Mr. Gideon.
"I feel like you're not telling me something. Is there anything else I need to know about Gideon?" Just let me have it. Spill the beans, Mr. Blue Eyes!!!
"I guess you could say he tends to act out now and then. His teachers are always saying his behavior is atrocious and he's kicked Mrs. Williamson a couple of times. She will punish him and he's good for a week or two, but he always ends up acting out again." Now he sounds embarrassed.
"I'm sorry. If you don't want to take the job I will understand, but I just wanted to be honest with you about what you're getting yourself into. I will up your pay to $5000 a week, instead of the $3000 that I offered, if you will still take the job." $5000 a week? Holy shit! I don't know what to think. I was going to go ahead and take it, because my honest opinion is that Gideon is just acting out for his father's attention. He never said that HE disciplined him, just Mrs. Williamson, but either the boy is worse than he's telling me or he's just that desperate. I'm hoping for he's just that desperate.
"What day is a good day to meet the kids? I'm taking the job, but I would still like to meet them and let them meet me, so that we will have some semblance of a relationship come Sunday. I don't think it would be a good idea to just tell them oh hey, meet your new nanny." I chuckled, thinking he would too, but he didn't.
"Well, if you insist, I guess you can one night this week. I am leaving tonight for a business trip and will be back late tomorrow evening, so would Wednesday work for you?" He really sounded put off at my request and I can't figure out why.
"Wednesday sounds great. Just text me directions to your house and I'll be there around, well, what time would be best for you? What time does Gideon get out of school?" I bet he doesn't even know.
"I will give Mrs. Williamson your phone number and I'll let you two set a time for that afternoon, ok?" Nope. He has no clue. Oh boy, do I have my work cut out for me. I am going to be the children's main parental authority in that house, I can already tell.
"Ok, that works for me. I guess I shall see you Wednesday, Mr. Kingston."
"Olivia, you can call me Cash. I'm not quite old enough for you to call me Mr. Kingston. You can call my Dad Mr. Kingston, but please call me Cash." I guess I could call him Mr. Blue eyes. I try not to giggle out loud at the thought.
"Seeing as how you're my boss now, Mr. Kingston it will be. Sorry, that's just how I was raised. See you Wednesday. Goodbye."
As I was hanging up, he was trying to correct me, I know, but I hung up anyway. Wow! I have a job. A lot of things can happen in a few days. While I was talking to Cash, I mean Mr. Kingston, my coffee had gotten cold. Oh well. It's time to go get ready and head to the grocery store to get what I need for dinner. I really hate that I'm losing a week with Claudia, but I think she'll understand and I see no reason for her to not come visit me after the kids go to bed in the evenings, or just hang out with us when she gets off of work. It's not like Mr. Kingston, aka Blue Eyes, is going to be around much. I calculate how long it’s going to take for everything and text Claudia.
I got your note and yes, I'm
Still cooking meatloaf since
it's your favorite. Dinner
will be done by 6. Oh and
I GOT A JOB!!!!!
I had a reply back in less than 30 seconds.
You got a WHAT??
I was cracking up and never got to reply, because she called me and I had to fill her in on the details.
*****************
Claudia and I are sitting at her dining room table eating dinner. All I keep hearing are oohs and awws and omg this is to die for coming out of her mouth. I kept giggling at her, because it really sounded like she was doing more than just eating.
"So...." She had to finish chewing her food before she could finish. "What happens if little Mr. Gideon is too much for you to handle?" I had Claudia rolling, when I was te
lling her about Gideon's little adventurous spirit.
"I'm pretty sure I can handle him. Don't you remember how much trouble Jeremiah would get himself into? He kept me on my toes, but he had me laughing all of the time.” Jeremiah was my little prankster of the three. Jordan was really calm and laid back and Jenna was just an absolute sweetheart, but you never knew what Jeremiah was going to get into. One time he had gotten into my makeup bag and drew a self-portrait of himself on my bathroom mirror. I had to buy a whole bag full of makeup, because he ruined everything. I'd give anything to let him sneak into my purse now.
"Oh, Jeremiah was a mess. He taught me to keep one eye open, when I would sleep at your house. How many times did I wake up with a mustache above my upper lip in the mornings? That little turkey got me every time." We both started laughing at the visual. One time he had used a permanent marker and she had it on her face the whole time she was there. I have a picture somewhere with the both of them and he is sitting in her lap, holding the marker, grinning from ear to ear and Claud was pretending to cry in the picture.
"I need to run to the storage building and find that picture of the two of you that we took, so that we can put it up." Claudia choked on her food and looked at me in shock.
"Wow! You're going to go to the storage building? I'm so proud of you, O! By the way, you seemed somewhat calmer yesterday when you left for that hour. Where'd you go? If you don't mind my asking." I did kind of feel an inner peace within myself. I think seeing Cash in the same kind of pain that I have been dealing with really opened my eyes a little bit. Last week, I felt like I was drowning in my grief and the last few days have been like I've found out how to breathe again. I just pray that Cash can figure out a way to learn how to breathe again, for the sake of his two children.
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