“I tried to help you out, sweetie. I suggested we do a three-way, but Dan just isn’t into you at all.”
“I swear to God, if you don’t shut your fucking mouth, you’re sleeping in the snow,” Daniel roared. Justin jumped, spinning around and shrinking back gratifyingly.
Justin lifted his hands. “Okay, okay. So touchy.” To Cole he added, “Don’t say I didn’t try, sugar!” He skirted around the island and disappeared.
Cole stood frozen by the fridge. After a few beats, he asked, “Are you okay?”
Fists clenched, blood rushed in Daniel’s ears. “Yeah,” he bit out. “Do you need something? More water?”
Trevor’s voice echoed through his mind: “Threesomes are hot. Come on, loosen up.”
Cole opened the fridge. “I wanted a little juice.” He took out the OJ container.
Daniel hurried over to unscrew the cap and pour him a glass. Cole took it and said, “Thanks. I’ll just…” He motioned toward the stairs with an awkward wave.
Nodding, Daniel followed. The sooner he went to sleep, the sooner morning could come and Justin would be gone.
Chapter Six
Inhaling and exhaling forcefully, Daniel shook his head, leaning against the closed bedroom door. “I can’t believe I ever thought for a second I liked that guy,” he muttered. “Threesome. He should get together with Trevor.”
Cole had been about to switch on the lamp, but he froze, hand in midair. Would Daniel talk to him, or should he leave him be?
Daniel snapped up straight as if just realizing what he’d said. He strode toward the bathroom. “I’m going to have a shower. You need anything?”
“What happened with Trevor?” After a few moments of silence, Daniel hovering in the bathroom doorway, silhouetted by the light beyond, Cole added, “I know you don’t want to talk about it. But maybe you should?” Cole was definitely curious, but there truly seemed to be a well of pain there that hunched Daniel’s shoulders and haunted his eyes.
Daniel turned and leaned against the door jamb. His face was in shadow. Cole sat on the end of the bed facing him. Giving him some distance, but listening. Waiting.
After what felt like an eternity, Daniel quietly asked, “What do you remember about Trevor?”
“Hmm. Well, after you and your mom moved in with us, you had to switch schools. You joined the hockey team and met Trevor. You guys hung out a lot. Then that one night you brought him to dinner and came out. School ended, and you both went to Western in the fall. Claudia moved out just before Thanksgiving, and even though I saw her sometimes, I never saw you again. Until now. Obviously.”
Cole wiped his palms on his flannel PJ bottoms. He wasn’t sure why he was nervous—it was Daniel’s story to tell.
Daniel crossed his arms, the warm light from the bathroom outlining his left side—broad shoulder, then narrowing down to his slim hip and long leg. “Right. So things with Trev were great for a few years. I was so in love with him. I felt like… Like he really got me. We could finish each other’s sentences. That kind of shit. You know what I mean?”
“Theoretically. I dated guys in university, but I never felt like that.” Never felt the way I do for you.
“It’s a real rush. Like I said, everything was great. At least I thought it was.” He was silent a few moments. “We had an apartment off-campus. Never lived on campus. In our fourth year, there was a big dorm party Trevor wanted to go to. We usually hung out at the pub and stuff, so it was weird that he was so insistent on going. But I wanted to make him happy, so I went.”
Cole realized he was holding his breath. He exhaled and murmured, “Okay.”
“Anyway, we got pretty loaded, and it was fun and all. I was ready to go home and crash, but there was this guy Trevor knew. Alex. Alex said he had vodka in his room, and Trevor wanted to do a couple shots. So I went.”
“To make Trevor happy.”
“Yeah.” Daniel swallowed audibly, a sort of click in the stillness of the room. If the others were making noise, it didn’t penetrate the walls. The curtains were drawn, and it was like they were in a little cave.
Cole felt like he had to whisper. “What happened?”
“God, it’s so stupid. You’re going to think it’s nothing and that I’m a massive drama queen. Maybe I am.”
“No, of course—”
“Long story short, Trevor wanted to have a threesome with Alex. I said yes, because he wanted it. It was fine. And I figured Trevor would get it out of his system, and we could just go back to normal. To being…us.”
Cole winced. “But that didn’t happen.”
Daniel’s laugh was humorless. “Nope. So we had more threesomes. We went to a bathhouse. Trevor wanted sex with all these random people, and I just didn’t. And it’s not like there’s anything wrong with that.” He groaned. “I probably sound like such a judgmental asshole. Threesomes and anonymous hookups and all that are totally great for other people. If it floats your boat, go for it.”
Was that a question? Should I answer? “It’s not really my thing either. But yeah, to each their own and all that.” Cole could sense Daniel’s laser gaze in the darkness. He still leaned in the doorway, his face shadowed.
After a few moments, Daniel asked, “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”
“No! I mean, I get turned on by hot guys, and I’ve had some bathroom hand jobs and stuff. Fucked some guys on the first date. But I want more than that now.” I want you. I’ve always wanted you.
“I know most people can get super turned on by strangers, but I never have. When Justin pursued me and blew me, I really wasn’t that into it, but I wanted to make him happy.” He snorted. “And I was trying to CYC. So he sucked me and it was fine and everything. I…” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear all this crap. I should save it for my shrink. Or actually get a shrink first, I guess.”
“No, I want to listen. I mean, if you want to tell me. No pressure.”
Daniel’s intent gaze made Cole’s skin go hot. “I don’t know why I’m unloading all this.”
“Because Justin’s dickishness stirred up a bunch of feelings?”
“I guess so. I’m supposed to be cold and dead inside.”
“Wait, what? Why is that?”
Daniel waved his hand, cutting through the light from the bathroom. “It’s a joke I have with my friend Pam. How I can be…stoic a lot of the time. And…a workaholic.”
Cole kept his tone light. “Admitting it is the first step.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Daniel grumbled, but there was no heat to it. After a few moments, he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m usually much more…contained.”
A thrill whipped through Cole that he was peeking beneath the mask. “It’s okay to come undone sometimes.”
“I guess. Lucky you, huh? We haven’t seen each other in ten years and now you get a front-row seat to my nervous breakdown. I’m a workaholic freak who doesn’t like casual sex the way I’m supposed to.”
“You are not a freak. Fuck anyone who says you’re supposed to like anything.”
“But I’m missing some element that other people have. Especially guys. It’s like, I’m supposed to want to go clubbing and have orgies, and I just…don’t.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. I have a friend who’s demi, and there’s nothing wrong with her.”
“Demi?”
“Demisexual. Basically she’s only really attracted to someone if she cares about them.”
Daniel pushed off the wall, taking a step toward the bed. He stopped. “I didn’t know there was a name for that.”
“Oh yeah, there’s a name for everything now.”
“Huh.” He came to sit on Cole’s left. “I didn’t realize that was a thing. But it’s not as if I’m not attracted to people. I mean, I can appreciate a good-looking guy. Admire his body and think that he’s hot. I like looking at Chris Hemsworth and his abs. But I don’t want to actually bang him. Not that t
hat’s the only thing standing between me and Chris Hemsworth.”
Cole laughed. “I know what you mean.”
“So do I fit this demisexual thing?”
“I don’t think there’s only one right way to be demi. It sounds like you might identify with it, but I can’t tell you yes or no. That’s up to you. I can ask my friend Julia if she has links to any good blogs if you want?”
“Thanks. That would be cool.” Daniel was silent a minute as they sat there, and Cole could practically hear his mind working. Then Daniel blurted, “I really like sex! I’m not a prude.”
“I know. I believe you. It’s okay. It really is.” He could not think much more closely on Daniel and sex, his belly tightening with a bolt of desire. He ached to hold Daniel close and comfort him, but part of him—the part that had been horny for Daniel for years—wanted so much more.
Rein it in, asshole. Not now. Not that there ever will be a right time, but it definitely isn’t now.
“I can’t believe I’m talking about this.” Daniel rubbed his face. “I really am losing it.”
“I think we should all be talking about it more. It sucks that we feel this pressure from society to conform. Like, all gay men are supposed to be promiscuous? Fuck that. Gay men are not the Borg. No one is. Everyone gets to be who they are.”
“This demi thing is blowing my mind. I thought I was weird all these years.”
“Well, you are, but not because of this.” As soon as the words were out, Cole cringed internally. Was joking really the right approach?
But Daniel snorted and said, “Yeah, yeah,” as he elbowed him. Cole sucked in a breath, pain radiating from his upper arm down to his hand. “Shit!” Daniel exclaimed. “Are you okay?”
He pressed his lips together, inhaling. “Mmm-hmm.” Opening his mouth, he blew out the breath, relaxing. “It’s just all a little sensitive. I’m okay.”
“You sure?” Daniel’s hand hovered over Cole’s shoulder, as if he was afraid to touch and hurt him more. Cole was dying to tell him to go ahead, but he resisted.
“Yep.” Time to focus back on Daniel. “So, about Trevor. Obviously you guys broke up in the end. What went down? Unless you don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
Only an inch separated them, and Cole wished he could rest his palm on Daniel’s thigh. Just to ground him. But even if Cole’s hand wasn’t broken, he wouldn’t do it anyway.
The image of Daniel’s face after Justin’s taunts about them hooking up was seared into Cole’s mind. Wide-eyed shock and fury, and a grimace of what had to be disgust. Daniel had made it clear he was outraged at the mere idea, and Cole wasn’t about to cross any lines—especially given the story Daniel was telling. Sounded like crossing lines was Trevor’s specialty, and Cole would not be that guy.
Daniel was still silent, and Cole added, “Seriously, you don’t need to tell me.”
“I…” His shoulders relaxed a fraction. “I guess it’s good to talk about it. I know you won’t go blabbing. I trust you.”
Cole’s heart skipped, and he watched Daniel’s profile from the corner of his eye, the bathroom light on his face. “I trust you too.”
When Daniel looked at him with a tiny smile tugging at his lips and a dark curl hanging over his forehead, Cole thought his heart might swell too big for his body and explode. As a kid, he’d been in love with Daniel yet hadn’t really known him. Or known what love really was. Maybe he still didn’t, but his gut told him this was it.
Which meant he was royally screwed.
Daniel turned his head back to stare off toward the bathroom, his gaze unfocused, and Cole looked forward as well. He waited. There was something more to the story—something he had a feeling was going to make him hate Trevor Chartrand with every fiber of his being.
When Daniel spoke, his deep voice was steady. “So I went along with the threesomes and stuff because I figured if Trevor needed that, then I’d do what it took to make him happy. Satisfied. We still had sex just the two of us, and I didn’t feel like anything had changed there. Then I found out Trevor had been hooking up with guys behind my back pretty much since we went away to school.”
“That asshole!” Cole cleared his throat and lowered his voice. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. He is an asshole. He cheated on me for years, then figured if he brought me into experimenting with other guys, I’d be converted or something. Like I’d see that monogamy isn’t possible. That it’s only for straight people. That kind of bullshit. He made it my fault, like…” Dropping his head, Daniel’s voice went husky. “Like there was something wrong with me. For a long time, I guess I thought there was.”
Forgetting his cast, Cole reached out abortively. With a grunt of frustration, he got up and sat on Daniel’s other side, taking hold of his shoulder. “There is nothing wrong with you. Trevor’s an asshole and he can go fuck himself.”
Daniel’s eyes gleamed in the half-darkness, and he swiped at them, laughing. “But how do you really feel? Don’t hold back.”
Cole laughed too. “I could go on. There are some extremely colorful expletives I could use.”
“Thanks, man.” He took a long breath and blew it out. “I haven’t really talked about all that stuff. Sorry for dumping it on you. I’m supposed to be taking care of you, not the other way around.”
Cole squeezed his shoulder. “I’m not a kid anymore.” He smoothed his palm behind Daniel’s neck, longing to run his fingers through the ends of the soft curls. Instead he slapped him on the back like a buddy would and dropped his hand. “We can take care of each other.”
Shattering glass echoed up from downstairs, followed by Mel screaming, “For fuck’s sake, Justin!”
In unison, Cole and Daniel huffed. Cole said, “Speaking of people who can go fuck themselves.”
“Indeed.”
They sat in silence for a minute. There was so much Cole wanted to say, but he didn’t know where to start. Instead, he said, “I feel kind of gross. I don’t think I’m ready to attempt a shower yet with this thing, but I think a sponge bath is in order. Can you help me?”
Daniel blinked at him, mouth opening and closing. “You want me to give you a sponge bath?”
“No!” Cole’s cheeks went hot, and he was glad it was probably too dark to see his blush. “I just mean if you could unscrew the bottle of body wash and help me take off my sweatshirt? I tried earlier and almost strangled myself.” He forced a laugh that was too high-pitched.
“Oh, right. Totally!” Daniel sprang up and hurried into the bathroom.
Cole followed. “Sorry to be a pain.”
“No, not at all!” Daniel kept his head down as he turned on the taps at the sink. “Do you want to just do it here with a washcloth or whatever?”
“Yeah. That’s great.”
In the mirror, Cole could glimpse the faint rosy hue on Daniel’s cheeks. Clearly Daniel was embarrassed after his confessions, and Cole wanted to say something to reassure him, but would probably just make it worse. He went to the floating shelves on the far wall and picked out a facecloth from the piles of plush, navy-blue towels.
Daniel had plugged one of the sinks and apparently squeezed in half the bottle of body wash given the mountain of bubbles forming. He turned to Cole and motioned with his hand. “So you need help with stuff?”
Cole dropped the facecloth on the counter by the filling sink. “Thanks. If you can just…” He held his right arm up over his head, holding still as Daniel pulled up the hem of Cole’s sweatshirt, his fingertips brushing Cole’s ribs.
It’s okay. I don’t need to breathe.
His pulse thudded, and he stayed absolutely still as Daniel freed his right arm, eased the sweatshirt over Cole’s head, then peeled it down his left arm over the cast as though he was dealing with fragile glass. They were only a couple inches apart, and Daniel’s breath skimmed over Cole’s face.
Gripping the sweatshirt, Daniel looked up, and Cole’s lungs spasmed as he exhaled sharply, going lightheaded
. Daniel’s parted lips trembled the slightest bit, and emotion shone from his beautiful hazel-brown eyes. Cole scrambled to identify what the emotion was, because for a moment he’d thought it was lust.
And that was impossible.
He croaked, “Are you okay?” Daniel was probably just freaking out after revealing so many truths about Trevor and everything.
Backing up, Daniel nodded. He folded the sweatshirt and placed it on the counter, his gaze skittering away. “You good now?”
“Uh-huh. Thanks.” He’d become adept already at tugging his PJ bottoms up and down. Yep, he was great.
When Daniel closed the door behind him, Cole sagged against the counter. It was decidedly less great that Cole was falling hopelessly in love, especially since—barring some kind of Christmas miracle—there was zero chance of his feelings being returned.
Chapter Seven
The minivan’s taillights glowed red, sunlight glinting off the metal roof before it disappeared around the bend. Cole joined Daniel at the windows, and they sighed in unison, then laughed. Daniel’s belly somersaulted. They were alone.
“Hallelujah,” Cole said. He was still shirtless, his PJs hanging low on his hips. Daniel stared at the hair under his navel, leading down below the waistband.
Forcing his gaze up, he asked, “How are you feeling?”
After yawning and arching his back, Cole nodded. “Pretty good. I slept way better without you waking me up every two hours.”
Daniel smiled. “You know what? I slept way better not having to wake you up.”
“Huh. What are the odds?” Cole scratched his stubbly cheeks, smiling. While Daniel usually shaved religiously, he’d decided to let it go too. CYC and all that.
They stood in blissful silence, taking in the snow-capped trees soaring toward the blue sky, the Laurentians rising across the lake to the right.
Daniel had woken to find he’d drawn close to Cole in the night, only a few inches between them on the big bed. Those same inches were all that separated them now, their shoulders almost brushing.
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