by Racquel Reck
His eyes are cast down and he absently kicks the ground. "Will you still love me?"
I can’t imagine how he feels. I’m an only child and never had to compete for my parents’ love, or lack thereof, that is. This is not a competition. I bend down and pull the black hood over his lime-green beanie, then zip up his coat and give him a hug. "You will always be my Little Duders. Nothing and no one can change that."
He doesn’t look up, but nods.
"You know, when the baby comes I’m going to need a lot of help. Babies are a lot of work, and I’m going to have to teach him so much. I don’t think I can do it on my own. Do you think you can be a good big brother and help me with that?"
His head shoots up and his smile goes wide.
"You know, there are some things I won’t be able to teach him. Some things only a big brother can."
"I can do that! Things like playing the Xbox. And how to ride a bike." Excitement dances across his blue eyes as he rattles off a list of things he can teach the baby when he gets older. "Oh, and I have to teach him how to draw."
"I guess we’re telling everyone now?" Morgan steps off the staircase with a smirk on his face like he’s trying to hold in laughter.
Ben spins around. "Mom’s going to have a baby! I’m going to be a big brother."
Morgan chuckles. His eyes lock with mine and he grins. "I know. I heard.” He glances down at Ben. “I’m a big brother, too. If you need any advice, feel free to ask me."
Dani comes around Morgan. Suited up, head to toe, in pink and purple snow gear. "It’s true. My uncle and my daddy are best friends. Uncle Morg knows what he’s talking about."
"Morg?" Ben laughs. "They call you Morg? As in a place they put dead people?"
Heat hits my cheeks. Shouldn’t have let him watch Men in Black. Of course he’d remember what a morgue is.
Morgan laughs. "I don’t think my brother was thinking that when he gave me the nickname." He turns to me. "Are you sure you don’t want to go with us? You could hang out at the top of the hill."
We follow Ben and Dani out into the shop.
Want to go with them? It’d be fun but…freeze my ass off? Nope. I had enough of the winter weather when I took Ben sledding last month. January is cold, but February is brutal. "I have things to do."
"Dani." Morgan clicks a button on his key fob and his Hummer starts up. "Why don’t you show Ben your CD collection in my car? I need to talk to Shay before we leave."
She nods, and my heart sinks as I watch them head toward the door. I never let Ben outside in this neighborhood alone. It’s too dangerous. My pulse pounds through my veins as I move toward the door. Is Gary out there? I don’t think he’d take him this soon, but then again the little shit is methodical. He might think that I’d assume that.
Morgan grabs my arm. "Relax. We can still see them. Once they climb in I’ll lock it."
"You obviously haven’t thought of carjackers. And your car running with no one behind the wheel? In this neighborhood, that’s an open invitation."
"Good point." He holds the door open for me. Cold air blasts my face. I’m in nothing but a tight red sweater, but my body temperature is running a little hot these days, so I don’t mind the chill for a few seconds. We watch them climb into the Hummer and slam the doors.
Morgan pulls me in for a hug and his musky scent surrounds me. God, I love that smell. Warmth and a sense of belonging chase away the stress from today. "You sure you don’t want to come and keep me company?"
He backs away. His heated gaze roams over my body like he can see right through my clothing. My core tightens.
"It could be fun." He waggles his eyebrows.
I laugh. "Trust me, Ben will be more than enough excitement for you. And I’ve got lawyers to call. I want to be prepared when Gary decides to come at me." And I need to call the social worker who monitored me after Gary went to jail. I want to be ahead of the game.
Guilt slams into me. Embarrassment from what happened earlier quickly follows. How can I put Morgan through all this? He didn’t sign on for my problems. "You know, you might want to re-think this whole situation."
"I love sledding." Morgan’s eyes reflect the glare of the sun coming off the snow. His light blue irises are ringed with a royal blue and his pupils are dilated.
Odd. Don’t they usually get smaller in the light? "I’m not talking about sledding."
He sighs, and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "If this is about–"
"You don’t understand. I have a ton of things going on, a lot of stressful things. Gary. You shouldn’t have to deal with my baggage. What happened today is just a small portion of it. So if you want to back out of our arrangement, I won’t blame you. I can handle being a single parent."
"What!" Morgan backs up to his Hummer, eyebrows touching the sky. "Why would you suggest that?"
I shouldn’t have said anything. I should’ve waited until he brought Ben back from sledding. "Try to understand. I—"
"Enough. I don’t want to talk about this now." He moves toward me. "We still have a lot of stuff to work through. But I promised to take some kids sledding, and I’m not going to break my promise to them. I can’t believe you would suggest—never mind. Whatever shit you got going on—" He sighs and his eyes soften. "We’ll talk about this after dinner tonight. When we’re alone. Okay?"
Apparently he doesn’t want to give up his kid. Maybe he thinks we are spending too much time together, and that we should only stick to doctor’s appointments. But he called me his woman. God, I love the sound of that. A part of me says it was just words—he said it when Gary was threatening me, so it’s not like he meant it. Right? I’m so damn confused.
He leans in and his warm lips press against my cold cheek, then they move to my ear. "I’ll see you later. Dress for comfort." Heat travels from my ear down my neck to my erect nipples, then south. I shiver from the mix of the warmth inside me and the cold winter air.
He backs away, climbs into his Hummer and rolls down the passenger side window. "I’ll call when we’re done sledding. Now get your butt inside before you become an ice sculpture." He smiles and winks.
I nod and turn toward the shop as his Hummer pulls away.
I’m getting a babysitter tonight. If we’re going to have a deep convo, I don’t want Ben around.
Dress for comfort. Ha! Yeah, maybe that’s his way of saying he doesn’t want to be tempted.
Disappointment washes through me. We said we would just be friends. It’s been a month since we’ve slept together, and every night I dream about him. Him taking me from behind. The soft kisses he gives me along my shoulders and down my spine. His strong biceps caging me as he thrusts into me. But it’s the one dream of having him above me, seeing his eyes as he moves over me, in me. Watching his abs shift as he does an erotic dance between my thighs.
My stomach flips.
That dream sticks with me the most. I’ve never done it that way before. Part of me wants to try it with Morgan. To make that dream a reality.
A blast of icy wind cuts around me and I shiver. Needing to warm up, I enter the shop. It’s empty. Bebe must have slipped out the back so she wouldn’t disturb us. I smile.
WWBD? I hear her words ring out in my head. Do it, girl. Seize the moment by the horns and rock that bitch. Maybe she’s right. If Morgan and I are going to cool down our relationship, I might as well go out with a bang, right?
Nineteen
Morgan
Even though I smoked before she got here, my nerves through dinner bounced all over the place. We have a ton of crap to talk about, a lot of heavy stuff, but I avoided it. Kept the convo light so she could finish her meal. Now I have to tell her everything, and it’s taking all the guts I have to come out with it. This is a new feeling, not being able to spit out what I want to say when I’m high. I lead her down the stairs into my studio. This is the perfect place for this talk. It’s where I feel the most at home.
Everything in this basement is rust
ic. Old pieces of furniture from when I didn’t have the money I do now. I could throw it all out, but this is what keeps me grounded, keeps my head from getting too fat. It reminds me what I came from and how hard I had to work to get here. Being the silent owner of a decal store is easy. But building my web design business, racking up clientele, not so much.
I let go of Shay’s hand and watch her take in my favorite part of my house. Her brows pinch. “Huh?”
"You were expecting...?"
She plops down on the old leather couch that has duct tape covering various tears. Running her hand along the arm of it, her eyes follow the path her fingers create. "I just don’t know why someone who does so well, who earns as much as you do, wouldn’t want this space to be..."
I sit down next to her and laugh. "You mean more modern and flashy?"
She nods and looks down at her lap. Her delicate fingers are twiddling the hem of her hoodie. She glances up briefly then diverts her stare across the room. "Morgan." She takes a deep breath.
My knee bobs up and down like I’ve caught Shay’s nervousness. As if I wasn’t already before, now I’m hyper jacked up. My heart thumps unsteadily in my chest. Just say it.
"Do you like my studio?" Not what you were supposed to say, nimrod.
"I like it." She turns to face me on the couch, one leg bent under her thigh. "But that’s not what you invited me over to talk about. Is it?"
"No."
She bites her lip. "I know what you’re going to say." She takes a deep breath then goes to stand. "Look, it was sweet of you to say those things about taking on Gary. Wanting to help me with my problems. And you said some things earlier that if I were some other woman I might have taken them the wrong way."
I grab hold of her wrist and bring her closer to me. "I don’t–"
She shakes her head. "Let me finish." Back to biting her lip again. "We came to an agreement to be friends and co-parent. And that still stands. I know you didn’t mean any of those things you said. You were just sticking up for me."
I meant every damn word! I pull her down into my lap so fast she lets out a squeal.
"What are you–" Her words are cut off by a giggle as I readjust her on my lap so she straddles me, and there’s that look. Her jaw is dropped and her eyes go wide.
God, I love surprising her. I run my fingers through her hair as her sweet scent encases me. I pull her head down to me. "You are so goddamn beautiful."
Her breath hitches and she takes a deep inhale. “Um…I don’t think friends—”
“I don’t want to co-parent anymore."
She tries to yank her head away from me. For a split second, hurt flashes in her eyes, before she narrows her brows.
I don’t ever want that look on her face. Shit. It’s all about the delivery, and that didn’t come out right. Should have lead with something else.
My mouth crushes hers and she resists for a moment. I need her to open up, to give me a chance. To let me show her what my words can’t say. I grip her hair, pull her closer to me and her resistance vanishes with the gentle graze of her tongue against mine.
I groan. I admire this woman. She’s strong, and the way she takes care of her son, loves him so selflessly. God, she’s everything my mother wasn’t. Ben’s lucky. She gives her love instead of demanding his. I couldn’t have picked a better mother for my child. Deep down, I’m craving. Starving for even a bit of what she gives to Ben and now our baby.
I cup her cheeks. "I want you." My lips ghost across hers and her breath hitches. This time when I come in I’m not as forceful, and it’s her tongue that enters my mouth in a soft tangle.
Her hands glide on each side of my neck to the back of my head, and she laces her fingers in my hair. Moaning, she deepens our connection with a slight shift of her hips as her tongue dives further into my mouth.
My hands abandon her cheeks and slowly slide down her sides. They stop at her waist, afraid that if they go any farther it will end the bliss she’s giving me. I tremble, fighting for the control not to grab her perfect ass.
Rocking her hips, her mouth travels to my ear. Her slight breath on my neck shoots lightening to my groin.
"What are we doing, Morgan?" she asks as she tilts her head to give me access to the creamy skin of her neck.
I kiss my way up to her ear. "I don’t know, but it feels right."
She stops rocking, sits back, and eyes me. "I can’t do this with you." She goes to stand, but my hands on her thighs keep her in place.
"Please, I can’t—I can’t just..." She shakes her head. "I’m too messed up to go here with you. What we’re doing isn’t right."
Isn’t right? I thought I felt something. Was that one-sided?
She tucks a strand of white hair behind her ear and climbs off me. Saying nothing, she heads toward my stairs.
She’s running away from me? No. This is not how this night was supposed to go. I was going to tell her how I feel, and she was going to say the same thing back. I knew it. Was so fucking sure of it. Then we would have sex and laugh and watch movies. Talk about our baby and bond. But I’m losing her.
I’m off the couch and over to her before she can hit the first step. I spin her around and back her up against the soundboard next to the staircase. She’s not going anywhere until she listens to what I have to say. If she still wants to escape afterward, so be it.
Her eyes are huge; a flicker of fear crosses them.
Why is she afraid of me? I don’t want to scare her. "I’m sorry, but you can’t just walk out without listening to me first." I kiss her. A moan rumbles in her chest. "There is something between us." I kiss her again. My heart is beating so fast it’s running away from the fear of rejection. "I want to explore."
"Morgan, please–"
I cut her off with another bare-all kiss. Pouring my craving for her into her, leaving myself open to be crushed if she doesn’t feel the same. Her fingers are in my hair again and give a slight tug, trying to pull me deeper into her embrace.
Leaving her delicious mouth, my lungs work overtime to take in oxygen. Gazing into the stormy seas of her eyes, my ship is sunk, and the pent-up words I’ve been trying to say all night leave my mouth. "You make me feel things, Shay. When you’re away from me, all I can do is think about you. I have no fucking clue what that means. I don’t want to hurt you, but..." Looking down, I run my hand lightly over her belly. "There’s something between us. And it’s not solely our baby." I look up at her, and her eyes dart away from me.
"What if you’re wrong?" Her eyes snap back to mine. "What if we carry this thing out and it destroys everything? It’s not just you and me. It’s us, this baby, and Ben. He worships you. He’s never had a dad, and I think he looks–" She shakes her head. "I can’t be that mom. The one who puts her child at risk because she can’t control how she feels toward a man."
My chest expands and my stomach jitters. She might make sense, but all I’m hearing is that she has the same feelings for me. "You can’t live life dodging what-ifs. If you do, nothing will happen. You taught me that, remember? The night I picked you up on the side of the road. When we were in my Hummer, and I had a case of the what-ifs. You can only live for now and do your best to plan for the future. And I know one thing. You will always be in my future whether you’re in my bed or not. And because of that, Ben will be in my future, too."
"What do you want from me, Morgan?" She sighs. "What do you want me to say? That I love you? Because I don’t. What I feel is lust. And lust never leads to anything good." Her head falls.
She’s got to be talking about douche bag. I tip her chin. She needs to see how freaking serious I am. "I don’t love you either. I don’t know how to love. But I’ll tell you one thing, Mama. I never wanted to know what it would be like until I met you. An attraction, chemistry, a bond, lust, whatever the hell you want to call it, it’s there. And we’d be pretty fucking stupid to deprive ourselves of seeing where it goes."
Shay
Morgan sounds serious. Th
e look in his eyes is nothing but. A chill goes through my body as my heart rate speeds up. Being with him would be an easy answer to all the Gary problems. I’d have someone in my corner who wouldn’t give up, because of the baby we share. But would it be easy on my heart? It could be. The voice inside me isn’t helping. I know, from experience, there is no such thing as love, and infatuation only causes problems.
"You’re right, but—" Morgan’s mouth crushes mine, stealing all my reservations about how this can go wrong. His body trembles as he presses me further into the soundboard in his studio. Forcing submission with devouring kisses and reminding me how good it can be with him.
All my inhibitions go poof. Funny how things go poof in times like these. Panties, thoughts, morals, and a sense of control. I tug on his hair.
He groans. His hand makes its way under my tank top, coming so close to that spot where I want him to be, my nipple. Hot anticipation shoots through me and I arch my back, pressing a breast into his roaming hand. Rolling the nipple between his fingers, his mouth leaves mine and blazes a path down my neck to my collarbone. Closing my eyes, I moan and give into the sensations.
He dots kisses up to my ear. "This time I’m undressing you." His voice is thick, gravelly, and twists my insides so tight; I grind my hips against the hard ridge in his jeans. He takes my tank top and rips it off. "Fucking Christ. You’re beautiful."
When I open my eyes he’s not looking at my breasts. His blue stare is on my face, but quickly travels down to what he has revealed. His lips are swollen and he plays with the ring in between his teeth as he watches his hand skate across my tummy.
Tingles dance through me, and I bite my lip so I don’t laugh.
When he reaches the waistband of my pants, his eyes snap to mine. "I have to know." His husky voice sounds like he’s trying to gain some semblance of control. "Before we do this, I have to know where this thing leads."
Why in the hell did he have to say that? The pounding in my chest and all the thoughts I ejected from my mind come rushing back. About how and why we shouldn’t go there. But it’s the look in his eyes, the vulnerability that does me in. To lay his feelings out before me. He’s not Gary. He’s a thousand times better. And he’s right. I’d be really stupid if I put a stop to us before we have the time to figure it out. I said he’d make a very lucky woman happy one day. So why can’t I be her?