Deeper

by Blue Ashcroft

“Didn’t expect a Montana chick to be so chill with stuff like that.”

  “My personal code has nothing to do with where I’m from. Besides, I’ve lived everywhere.”

  There’s a story there, but I don’t have time for it. I need to convince her to come to the party with me. “Just come with me.”

  “I can’t. I told Amy I’d go.”

  “You know she told the guys you’re against sex.”

  She raises an eyebrow, then shrugs. “It’s true, they might as well know. Probably her way of protecting me.”

  That’s not going to protect her. But I could. I want to protect her.

  “Obviously everyone here thinks I can’t handle myself. Like I’m some naive fool, just because I don’t engage in certain things. Hasn’t anyone considered it’s a choice I’ve made?”

  She glares at me again, and I try not to look down at her swimsuit. She’s hot when she’s mad. Damn hot. “So you won’t go with me?”

  “No. But I’ll see you there, I’m sure.”

  “Why? I don’t get it. You’ll be safer with me.”

  She throws up her hands. “Seriously? You too? What do I need to do to prove I’m capable?”

  It’s not that she isn’t capable. Maybe there’s just something about her that makes people want to watch out for her. Something good, something prickly, something innocent, maybe. She just seems like she’s been through less than the average person, and I have this insane need to keep it that way.

  “I’ll see you there, Knight. Try not to be an ass and I might even hang out with you a bit.” She wraps a towel around her waist and strides off to the guard room.

  Damn she works a towel. She’s going to cause me all kinds of trouble this season. I can just tell.

  Rain

  “You told Knight no?” Amy pauses, her blush brush tickling my cheek. “You told Knight no?”

  I cringe against her brush. I hate makeup, it makes me itch. “I can talk better if you give up on this makeover thing. There’s no point to it after all, I’m not going to be hooking up with anyone.”

  “I just think everyone should see you made up. You’re always trying to be plain at work.”

  “Why does it matter how I look? I’m just a supervisor. I need to look professional.”

  “I know you’ll hate this, but you’ll get more respect from the guys if you’re hot. At least if you try.” She dips her brush in the pan and swirls it, then brings it back to my face.

  “Not the kind of respect I want.” I hold still while she rubs my cheeks for what feels like the fiftieth time but is probably the third.

  “There. Perfect.” She holds up a mirror and I’m shocked. Not the clown face I was expecting. The coral flush on my cheeks looks natural, beautiful with my light brown hair. Well sort of light brown, I’m quarter Filipino and the only place it shows is my hair. It’s a multicolored mess that everyone thinks is cool but weirds me out.

  “That looks amazing. You’re a miracle worker.”

  She grins. “Wait till I’m done with your eyes.”

  “Wait, eyes too?” I’ve already put up with foundation, concealer, and blush. I don’t want to know how itchy the eye makeup is going to be. “Can we take a break first?”

  She lunges over her bed to grab her phone and checks the time. “Yeah, no one gets there early anyway.” She chucks the makeup brush on the bed and flops down beside me. “So let’s talk about Knight.”

  “What about him?”

  “No one says no to him.” She smiles, and her warm brown eyes twinkle at me.

  “I did.”

  “But why?” She bites her lip. “He’s sex on wheels.”

  I stifle a grin. “That’s my co-sup you’re talking about. He’s just another supervisor.”

  “No he’s not. He’s totally hot.” She flops on her back on the bed and sighs up at the ceiling. “Wish he had asked me. He keeps pretty distant from the girls.”

  “That’s good. He should. It’s only professional.” Now he should just keep pretty distant from me.

  “Most of the girls don’t want to be distant from him though.” She circles herself with her arms and sighs again. “Me included.”

  “What’s so great about him?” I ask, not sure if I want to know the answer.

  She huffs and glares at me. “You mean, aside from his killer, chiseled abs, his super blue eyes, and his biceps the size of my head? Gee, I don’t know.”

  “I mean, what makes up for his personality?”

  “Oh, you mean, super controlling bad boy that’s always in charge and the best at what he does? You’re right, such a turn off.” She laughs and sits up on the bed. “Seriously Rain, you don’t want him, none of the other girl guards are going to be broken up about it. Me included.”

  “So, are you gay, or not? You’re confusing me here.”

  She purses her lips and cocks her head. Sometimes she reminds me of a cocker spaniel, with her quirky movements and her big brown eyes and her silky brown hair always in a ponytail. “I don’t really know. I mean, I have two moms, so I’ve seen women kissing my whole life. That’s what’s normal to me. At the same time, I really like guys.”

  I nod. It makes sense. I met her moms this afternoon and both are awesome and feminine and just all over each other.

  “Say, Rain.” She comes closer, batting her eyelashes, boring into my eyes with hers. “Have you ever kissed a girl?”

  “Can’t say I have,” I pull back a bit. I love being around Amy, love how uninhibited she is and how girly she is, because it’s everything I’m not. But I have no interest in making out with her.

  She puts her hands on my knees and looks up at me through her lashes. “It’s way nicer than kissing guys. Really soft. Tastes better.”

  I laugh but turn away. I’ve never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. “Sorry, not my thing.”

  She sighs melodramatically and turns away. “Worth a shot.”

  “Anyway, most of the girls like Knight?”

  She straddles the chair next to the bed, facing me over the back of it. “Like is an understatement. They love him. Like, fan club status.”

  “See? It’s good I told him no. That’d be a great way to make them hate me.”

  She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a breath in. She opens them but looks at the ground. “I dunno. If Knight was happy, I guess we’d be happy.”

  “Why?” I can sense there’s something no one is telling me.

  “It’s not really my place to tell.”

  “Come on, Amy.”

  “But I guess someone will tell you if I don’t.” She rests her chin on the top of the chair back and thinks for a moment. “Knight lost his girlfriend a few years back.”

  “Lost, like broke up?”

  “No.” She scratches her head. “I’m really not sure I should say this.” She bites her lip and stares at nothing in particular. “She killed herself.”

  My throat catches, suddenly dry. I never would have known. No wonder I recognized something similar in him when he was swimming like that. Something no one else recognized. It’s weird that we have death in common, not that I’m going to tell him, or anyone, that. “How does everyone know?”

  “It was his senior year. Lots of us went to school with them, around here. I was a freshman at the time.”

  I swallow. I can’t even imagine what he felt then. Shame, humiliation, pain, fear. He was only 18. I don’t know how I can look at him the same after this, even though it would drive me crazy to have someone look differently at me for such a reason.

  I fill my mind with pictures of Knight teasing, Knight being belligerent, and assure myself he’s fine. I have to treat him normally, because it’s what I would want. “That’s awful.”

  She nods, and her eyes look a little wet. “It’s still hard for a lot of us to mention it, even now. Shook the whole school. Even those of us who barely knew her felt like we had failed.”

  “There’s nothing anyone could have done,” I tel
l her, wishing I could tell her the same about my own situation.

  Amy nods but doesn’t meet my eyes so I set a hand on her shoulder and wait for her to look up at me. “There’s nothing you could have done.”

  “Thanks.” She smiles and wipes her eyes. “Anyway, enough about sad things. So you turned Knight down, how’d he take it?”

  “He wanted to know why. Asked again. I said no. Again.”

  “He was probably pretty shocked. Most of us would have been happy to go.” She goes to her makeup bag and starts pulling out eye shadows. “And you’re going anyway. Oh well.” She pulls out a brush and swipes it against her hand a few times to clean it. “As long as I get to rub it in his face that I stole his date.”

  I laugh. “Go ahead.” Closing my eyes while she applies the makeup gives me time to ruminate. Now I know why people don’t do anything when Knight swims too long, or acts weird. They’re all treating him with kid gloves.

  “What about Chad?” I ask, as she brushes shadow on my eyelid.

  “What about him?” She isn’t nearly as excited to talk about him as she was to talk about Knight.

  “Just wanted to know?” Truthfully, Chad seems pretty harmless, and I’m thinking I could probably use him to keep Knight off. I’m not in any danger of falling in love with Chad. Harmless Chad.

  “He’s just very average. Average guy. Average rep. Freshman in college at a state school. Off for the summer, like you. I don’t know why we are even talking about him.” She gets more shadow on a brush and blows the excess off. “He just broke up with Di, one of the front desk workers.”

  “Oh yeah. Knight thought I was one when he first met me at the bonfire?”

  “You were at the bonfire? Why didn’t I see you there?”

  “I was pretty low profile. Just trying to get the hang of things.”

  “Here.” She holds up a mirror in a compact and I’m shocked. My eyes look bigger, wider, and with the dark smoky eye look she’s given me, really sultry.

  “Not sure this is what I should be wearing to a work party.” I blink, glad she didn’t insist on mascara. “Seems pretty heavy.”

  “Nah, never. She who is prettiest has the power.”

  “I guess that’s you then.” I stand and stretch, unable to keep still anymore. “Can we go now?”

  “Didn’t know you were in such a rush. But no, we have to pick outfits.”

  An agonizing hour later, we’re finally pulling up in front of Chad’s place. It’s not a big house, maybe 3 or 4 bedrooms, packed with teenagers. “Does he live with his folks?”

  “No. Just shares with Jason, one of the other guards.”

  “Isn’t that expensive?”

  She shrugs. “Chad’s parents have money. They still want him to work, but he just has to pay for school, not rent. Same as me.”

  I nod. It’s foreign to me. Last year, my first year of college, I paid all of my own bills. “That must be nice.”

  “It is.” She looks over at the house. She’s wearing a pink sleeveless blouse that gathers at the waist, and tiny jean shorts that barely cover the essentials. Plus strappy wedges.

  I look over at the house with her and see she isn’t the exception. The guards really go all out. Maybe because it’s nice to actually dress up once in a while rather than always seeing each other in wet hair and swimsuits.

  I look down at my own outfit. Black halter that ties at my neck. Jean shorts like Amy’s, from her closet. I’m taller than her but I’m skinnier too. So they fit. Barely. She assures me this is the point. My hair is back, but the ponytail is ratted to give it volume. She talked me into stilettos with narrow straps over the front. Said I had legs to die for.

  I’m just glad they’re long so I can run away really fast if I need to. I wonder if I can sneak back out here and hide in the car when she’s not looking. How is anyone supposed to look me in the eye tomorrow after this?

  I did put a touch of my own. Small silver earrings. Hearts. William gave them to me. I never liked them, but they’re a great reminder. I rub my fingers over them for a moment, trying to put myself in the right frame of mind. Not allowed to have too much fun.

  They’ll keep me out of trouble tonight. Speaking of trouble, I gaze around the crowd outside, searching for Knight.

  “Looking for someone?” Amy grins at me, then nods to the front door, where Knight is coming into view.

  Oh man, screw the earrings. I’m in so much trouble.

  I start at the bottom and work my way up. High end flip flops encasing perfect, tan feet. Jeans different from the ones he wears to work. These are designer, dark wash, with embellishments and little tears in fashionable places. They emphasize his long legs and tight thighs, and hug his hips. He’s wearing a partially tucked in button up plaid shirt that hangs a bit loose in the right places and is nice and tight on his pecs. He’s also wearing a leather cuff and a watch, and has an earring in. I didn’t know he had one. He takes a look around, shrugs his shoulder in the night air, and takes off the plaid shirt while mumbling something to the girl next to him. He tosses it inside, and comes out with folded arms and searching eyes.

  Now he’s just devastating. He’s wearing a white tee with a logo. It’s tight on his chest and looser at his waist and emphasizes the way he’s shaped in a V from his shoulders to his hips. His biceps completely fill the short sleeves, making me wonder if they are supposed to be baggy on smaller guys. He’s just tall, tan, California hot from head to toe. He smiles at the girl next to him and something twinges inside me. Maybe I’m glad I look a little bit sexy after all.

  I step out of the car and Amy grins and does the same, popping the keys in her pocket. Eyes turn to us in a wave, from those nearest us all the way to the front door. Knight.

  He looks over and freezes as his eyes meet mine. The smile he was directing at something said by the girl next to him slowly fades as his eyes sweep over my body in a slow, hot movement. When he meets my eyes again, his are burning, with anger or something else, I don’t know. He says something to his group and turns to press through the crowd, but before he can get very far, Chad is in front of us.

  “Wow, Rain. You look great. So great.”

  Chad looks good too, in typical skinny jeans and a black tee that sets off his hair, but he’s a ghost compared to Knight. I can see Knight frowning in the background behind Chad, who smiles and reaches out to put a hand around my waist.

  I step smoothly out of his reach and smile at him. I need to keep him reigned in, but I also need him to want me enough that Knight finds it believable and keeps his distance. Maybe if he goes away, stops taunting me and flirting with me every chance he gets, stops being controlling and overprotective, I can stop feeling like a traitor to my own heart.

  “Come on, I’ll get you a drink.”

  “Just juice,” I say, and Chad grabs my arm and pulls me behind him, through the crowds, and into the house. Amy rolls her eyes and follows. Before we reach the drink table, someone else grabs my arm and yanks me away from Chad.

  It’s Knight, and he yanks me around the corner into a darkened hallway and pushes me against the wall, his hands on my arms. He bends down to look into my eyes. “What are you doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Gonna drink with him now, too?”

  I exhale and look away, annoyed. “Gonna assault me in a dark hallway, too?”

  He frowns and pulls away. There’s something really handsome about the way his mouth tightens up and his jaw looks even sharper when he’s pissed. “No. I just didn’t think you drank.”

  “He’s getting me juice.”

  “Hm.” Knight braces himself on an arm against the wall that puts him nicely over and around me. Surrounded. He always surrounds me, he can never just be there. Never non-threatening like Chad. “Rain, did it occur to you that some of these guys might have ulterior motives?”

  I avoid his eyes. “I’m sure some of them do. I mean, look at me.” I mean it as a joke, but he takes me seriously an
d looks me over again.

  “I am.” His eyes linger at the cleavage revealed by my halter. “Awfully hard not to right now.”

  I frown. Why did I want him to look? We can’t do anything about this thing between us. I try to push past him but he blocks me and I lean back against the wall to avoid touching him. Touching him is dangerous.

  He runs a finger from my ear to my shoulder in a quiet, searing line. “If you dress like that, you’re gonna get attention. Attention you don’t want.”

  “Well, that’s their problem. It’s sexist to say I should dress differently because others can’t control themselves.”

  “True. It’s just…” His finger continues down my arm, and though he has big hands and long, strong fingers, it’s just a delicate whisper along my flesh, heating me up and making me want to hit my head against the wall until I can’t feel it anymore. I’m not supposed to feel this anymore.

  But he’s so tall, so gorgeous, so serious in the dark, looming over me, all bridled sexual power. Maybe I’m not as immune as I want to be.

  “Knight.” I put a hand up to his chest, give him a slight shove to move away.

  He steps back and drops his hands. “You can dress how you want, but you’ll have to deal with how the guys perceive it.” He bites his lip, looking troubled and sexy. Oh no, I’m not falling for it. I move to leave once more and he grabs me around the waist and pulls me back, turns me to the wall again, this time more gently.

  “Don’t go.” He braces his fists on the wall above me. “You look so beautiful tonight. I don’t want you around anyone else.”

  I stare up at him, mesmerized by his aqua eyes, intense under long, dark lashes. I can’t look away.

  “Is it okay?” he asks. I don’t know what he’s asking, till he leans in and I can feel his breath on my neck, sending pleasurable tingles down my spine. He’s close enough to whisper in my ear.

  “No one’s watching.”

  “We shouldn’t.”

  “Rain,” he says, pulling a stray wisp of hair behind my ear in a way that tingles a nerve all the way down my back. “You knew this would happen.”

  “No.” I shake my head, even though I know he’s right. There’s been this magnetic tension between us, pulling me ever closer to him, and now that he’s here, so close, so focused, it feels right.