We get out of the car and find a good place on the grass outside.
“How have you been?”
He has already shoveled half of his burger in his mouth so he has a moment to think about how to answer while he chews and swallows. “What’s it to you?”
“We’re friends.”
“Were friends. You stopped coming ‘round after Cami died.”
“About Camille. I’m sorry,” I say. “I should have said that sooner. I can’t even say how sorry I am.”
He curses again, dropping his burger. “Come on Knight. It’s not your fault.”
“Why are you mad at me then?” I ask.
He wipes off his hands and swallows the rest of his burger. “Dude, you just disappeared on me. You just pretended I didn’t exist once Cami was gone. I was suffering too. I thought you were blaming me. I guess I blamed you for a while, but then I realized I was just blaming you so I didn’t have to blame me. I’m kind of over it now. Cami made her choice and I want to live my life now. I think she’d want me to live. I think she’d want you to live, too.”
“Thanks,” I say. I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation. I should have seen him sooner. I thought he hated me, that it’d be better if I stayed away.
“But yeah, so I think you should be allowed to live a little. I guess I just hate seeing you with someone other than Cami, ‘cuz it’s like, well, it’s just really final that she’s not here anymore. It was always you two. Since she could basically talk. I guess it’s just all really freakin’ sad.”
“Oh, you mean Rain?” I sit back on my hands, still not touching my food. “It makes you mad to see me with Rain?”
“It’s just not pleasant, that’s all. But Cami would probably be mad at me if I stopped you from being happy with someone. She wouldn’t have wanted that. She probably would have liked Rain. I like her. She don’t take nothing from nobody.” He points to my burger. “You gonna eat that?”
I laugh and push it towards him. This used to be our lunchtime routine. I always used to order more than I needed, after Camille told me their old man didn’t give them lunch money. That way Geoff had an excuse to eat. None of us had much, but at least I had enough to eat.
“Anyway, if Rain and I dating bugs you, I guess you don’t have a problem then. Because she dumped me.”
“That sucks,” he mutters. “Not for me I guess, but it sucks for you.”
“Yeah?” I pick up my cup, full of Mountain Dew like always, and mess with the top of the straw.
“Yeah. She’s hot. Why’d she dump you?”
I’m not sure I should ask him for advice. He’s only just forgiven me, and we’re just starting out. It’s nice to have another tie to a part of my past that isn’t ruined. But I need his help. I’ll take the chance.
“Her boyfriend died in an accident. She thinks it was her fault, doing penance by not falling for anyone else.”
“Yikes. But anyways, you ask me, she’s already fallen for you.”
“Yeah, I think so too. She doesn’t. Boo to the hoo.”
He laughs, coughs, and beats his chest. “Damn Knight, this is kinda fun. Weird though.”
“Yeah. Weird.” I bite the top of my straw again.
“So this chick, what you gonna do about it?” He asks. He chomps off half of his burger, then winces and spits the pickles out on the grass. I can’t believe this is the only person I have to ask for romantic advice.
“I don’t know what to do about it. I thought I’d ask you, but I didn’t want to be an ass. Asking my ex girlfriend’s brother. But I dunno, I sort of wanted an excuse to talk to you anyway. Make things right.”
“Yeah, Cami would have wanted us to be friends. I’ll give you advice. What else I got to do? Tell me more about Rain.”
“She’s just determined not to love anyone or have anything good, because she thinks it’s paying back the guy she killed.”
“Did she kill him?”
“She was a part of the accident, may have contributed.”
“Still an accident. That’s pretty loyal though.”
“Yeah,” I say.
“Remember when you used to get my advice about Cami?”
I nod and close my eyes against the memories that come up with those words. “Yeah. I remember.”
“Sorry, you don’t want to think about that right now.”
“Not really. So what should I do about Rain?” I set my arms on my knees and look out over the parking lot. So many memories here. No wonder I haven’t hung out with Geoff in the last four years. But, like I told Rain, sometimes the most worthwhile things hurt like hell.
“I think maybe you should just keep lovin’ her.”
“I am.”
“No, I mean. I think you should show it. Until she can’t push it away.”
“I can’t do that. She dumped me. I told her we’d be friends.”
“In that case Knight, you’re going to have to learn something that I learned at group therapy after Cami died, and that’s that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves. They gotta do it.”
“How do I make them do it?”
“Like I know. I know I wish we’d gotten Cami to therapy. You been?”
“No.”
“Really helps, man,” he says, wiping his hand on a napkin and leaning back on his arms. “Anyway, I guess all you can really do is show her she needs to go and hope she’ll care enough to do the rest.”
The thought is haunting. What if she doesn’t? What if I get abandoned again? “How do I show her she’s messed up?”
“She’s not supposed to be in love, right?”
“Right.”
“But she is, right?”
“I think so.”
“So show her that.”
I don’t know how Geoff gets this stuff. He’s like a wise, tatted buddha. “You with anyone man?”
“Nah, women are trouble.”
I laugh. “You got that right. So how do I show her she’s into me? She’s never gonna admit it.”
“Easy. Make her jealous. Pay attention to another chick. Great way to make any chick think about how much she really wants you.”
“Really? How do I make her jealous?”
“Man, you really are new to this girl thing. Have you dated anyone since Cami?”
I shake my head.
“Jeez. Get a girl to help you. One who won’t be interested.” He runs a hand over his shaved head. “Maybe Ally’d help you.”
“Ally?”
“Sure. If she ain’t into girls.”
“Maybe.” I stand awkward and brush off my jeans. I put a hand out and Geoff grips it and stands. He’s stronger, filled out, compared to the sixteen-year-old I used to know. We both shove our hands back in our pockets and walk back to the jeep.
When I get back to the pool, I’ll have to start putting my plan in motion. But for now I just want to be grateful for one more thing that Rain helped me get back. I watch Geoff slump in the passenger seat and smile.
I decided to ask Ally after training.
“You want me to what?” She stares at me like I just asked her to jump off the Eiffel Tower naked. This was a bad idea. But I might as well go with it now.
“Pretend to like me. Flirt with me.”
She narrows her eyes at me, then focuses on picking at one of her cuticles. She has really short fingernails. “Why should I?”
“I just thought you’d be good to ask. I mean, we aren’t into each other, so it wouldn’t be as weird. Like I said, I like Rain. I need her to realize she likes me.”
“What makes you think I want to be involved in your girly drama?”
“I’m just asking for your help. Don’t do anything you don’t want to.”
“I guess you did hire me though. Not everyone would give a badass chick a chance.” She folds her arms and leans to one side, one hip jutting out. She tilts her head to the side and pops her gum. The noise is grating. “On the other hand, I do like Rain. Y
ou really think this would help her?”
“Yeah I do. She likes me. If she doesn’t, it won’t bother her, and we can stop.”
“Sounds messed up.”
“It is messed up,” I say, pulling out my phone. “Give me your number. We’ll set something up.”
“No need.” She looks down at one of her biceps, flexes it, and mutters something about needing to get to the gym. “I’ll take care of it right here, right now.”
“What?” I look down at her. She flips her short hair out of her eyes and comes forward. She’s a tall girl, but still a lot shorter than me. Even so I can tell she’s the one who is going to be in charge of this operation.
“I said, I’ll take care of it right now.” She turns to the guard room and puts a hand up to cup her mouth. “Rain!”
I put a hand over my face. She’s going to do this with all the subtlety of a water buffalo. I need to find a new plan. Rain sticks her head out of the office and comes outside. She comes over to us, and I want to escape, but Ally’s blocking my way. She grins at me and swallows her gum. Gross.
It was only the four of us here for training, and with Geoff already gone, the three of us are the only ones in the building.
“Yes, Ally? Did you need something?” Rain asks. She looks gorgeous. Her hair is down around her face in loose waves, still drying from the morning training. Her blue eyes shimmer in the florescent light of the pool deck.
“Yeah, wanted to show you something,” Ally says. I shake my head and try to walk past her, but she grabs my arm with a startlingly hard grip and pulls me back towards her. I’ve never been yanked around by a girl before. She catches me around the neck and kisses me hard on the lips. I’m too shocked to pull back, plus she has a vice grip on my neck. She grinds into my mouth, nothing soft about it. Ugh.
When she lets me go I pull back, shocked and horrified. I rub her kiss off my mouth and turn to Rain. I didn’t mean for it to go this far. She stares at us as calmly, like she’s watching the weather report. Damnit.
She shrugs. “Well, if you don’t need anything Ally…”
Ally turns to me with a smug face and I can tell she’s glad I’m getting such a disappointing reaction. I rub my mouth. That sucked and Rain doesn’t even give a crap. I stretch my neck, looking up at the ceiling. What does one do at a moment this awkward?
“If that’s all, Ally, you can leave,” Rain says, cutting through the silence. “We’re done training for the day.”
Maybe I’m just imagining it, but she sounds a little angry. Maybe there’s hope. Ally turns to me, winks, and saunters off, hands in her back pockets as usual. Someone should tell her it looks like she’s grabbing her own butt.
Rain gets in front of me, blocking my exit route. She’s not going to let me slink away. The door slams, announcing that Ally is gone. It’s just us now.
“So, you’re into Ally now?”
Should I pretend I am? “Uh…”
“Convincing,” she says. She jabs a hard finger into my chest. “There are rules against relations with other employees.”
“Did those rules apply to what we did in the waves the other day?”
“I—”
“Oh, interesting,” I say, pulling her hand off. “These rules you’re so big on, they apply sometimes, but not others, right?”
“She’s our subordinate.”
“Is that it?” I fold my arms and move forward, towering over her. “Is that the only reason it’s bothering you?”
“I—yes. Yes that’s it. What else would there be?”
I’m not sure how to tell her what I think. I’m not sure there’s any point. But I’ve gone this far and I might as well keep at it. “I think you’re jealous.”
“Do you really like her?”
“I do.” I’m beginning to think Geoff had something. I might as well commit to it.
“Did you ever like me?” She looks up at me, and this time I know I can see some sadness in her eyes.
“I did. I do Rain,” I say. “You dumped me. What am I supposed to do? Be alone?”
“Yeah, I wish you would. Maybe it’s what Camille would have wanted. Maybe you could be loyal, like me, damnit.”
I come forward, putting a hand around her waist, pulling her forward because I can sense it’s what she wants, and it’s what I want. “Do you want me to be loyal to Camille, or loyal to you?”
She murmurs something against my chest and burrows her face there.
“What was that?”
“Me. I want you to be loyal to me. But I have no right, because I’m not going to give it back. I want you to love only me, and I want it to be okay if I don’t love you.”
“I know,” I say. “So just let it be. Let it be what it is between us. If it’s friends it’s friends. Whatever it is, it is. Don’t push me away. Don’t tell me what I can or can’t have. Just give me what you can give me.”
“We already tried that. It’s not going to be enough for you.”
“It’s enough to just see you every day at work. It’s enough to think about you, even if you aren’t there. It’s enough to just dream about being with you, Rain.” I cup her head with my hand, let her soft hair slip through my fingers. “But is it enough for you, Rain?”
Her eyes widen, glistening with unshed tears. “It has to be. I can’t love you.”
“Rain, I just don’t want this to end like it did for Camille. You can’t live like this. You need to get help.”
“I don’t need help.” She takes a step back, away from me. “I’m not like her. I’m not going to kill myself.”
“That’s true. You couldn’t even if you wanted to.”
“What? Why?” She stares up into my eyes, blinking light brown lashes.
“Because you aren’t actually alive.”
“I am too.” She takes my hand and places it against her chest. “See? I’m alive.”
“Yeah, you’re breathing. Sure. But the way you’re denying yourself any of the things that make life good, you might as well be dead.”
Her eyes narrow in anger. “You don’t get to tell me how to live. You’re just bitter that I don’t love you.”
“I think you’re just bitter because you do love me,” I say, taking a step forward, closing the distance. I can tell by the confusion in her eyes that I’ve got her, and I’m going to push this time. I didn’t push before, and I lost everything. I won’t make that mistake again, not while she’s depending on me.
“No, I don’t. I don’t love you.” She tries to back up again.
“Really? You’re sure?” I close the distance again, put my arms around her. She stops struggling and puts a hand on my chest. Keeps it there for a moment before shaking her head and yanking it away.
“I’m sure.”
“I don’t believe you,” I say, running my hands over her shoulders. “I think you and I both know it.”
“I don’t. I definitely do not. Love you.”
“Then I guess you’d hate if I did this?” I give her a light push and she falls backwards into the lap lane. I jump in after and help her get on her feet.
She comes up soaked, sputtering and spitting mad, but instead of hitting me, she throws her arms around my neck and kisses me.
Damn, I love this girl.
Rain
His stupid lips are hot against mine and his hands are everywhere. I want to be mad at him, but when he holds me like this, I’m home. I’m safe.
It’s only been a week since the beach, and I’ve been craving him ever since. I feel like I need him in my life everyday, and with a sinking feeling, I’m starting to connect the dots to what that means.
I push him back in the water, taking his mouth and running my hands down his chest, erasing Ally’s kiss from his lips. How dare she touch him? How dare he let her?
Watching them made me realize that even if I’m eerily calm on the outside sometimes, inside, I’m just like everyone else. I was devastated by William dying, and I was devastated when I broke up with
Knight, and I was devastated when Ally kissed him, hard.
I’ll kiss him harder and make him mine again.
But Knight has other ideas. He pushes us away from the wall, backs me against the lap lane. Puts his hands on either side of my head and cages me in, staring down into my eyes. “Go on Rain. Tell me you don’t love me. I dare you.”
I shake my head and turn away. “I don’t—”
He pulls my head to his, takes my lips roughly, slides his tongue in when my mouth opens easily. “Just try it. Tell me you don’t love me,” he says against my mouth, tickling my lips and sending shockwaves through me.
“I don’t love you,” I say against his mouth, and he pulls back to glare at me. He grabs me around the thighs, lifts me up around his waist.
He runs his hands over my back, tickling my waist with rough fingertips. “Oh, you don’t? So when I do this,” he lifts me up higher, circling my belly button with his tongue, “it doesn’t do anything?”
My head falls back as pleasure builds in me. Deep inside I know it’s more than the touching, more than the fact that his tongue seems to make love to me when he does this, but I can’t admit it. If I admit it, I don’t even know what will happen. I shake my head and press my lips together.
“You know you love me, Rain. I can feel it when you touch me. I can feel it when I touch you. I love you. I’m waiting for you baby. It’s okay. Just say it.” He lowers me back down on my feet slowly, raining kisses on my neck, my mouth, and the top of my head. He takes my face gently in both hands. “Just admit it. I promise everything will be okay.”
I look up into his blue eyes. He seems so sure, but what does he know? Even if I do care, what does it matter? It won’t be real until I say it. I can’t.
I look into his eyes and see love there, waiting for me if I can just take it.
It’s not the fifty-year love my grandparents have, or the twenty-year love my parents have. But it’s that fresh, exciting new kind of love that makes you want to risk everything for someone, that makes you think you could be with them forever and it wouldn’t be enough.
“Just tell me, princess,” he says, running his thumb over my cheek. “It’ll all be easier after you say it.”
But I can’t. It would hurt too bad. I want to, but there’s just something inside me that’s stopping me, no matter what I do.
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