Heleen listened to the cricket concert that was taking place around her. She smiled. Slowly but surely it was becoming easier to think about the past. Even the turbulent part of the recent past she had little trouble with anymore. The sharp edges had worn off as her life got back on track. Even the worst pain, the one caused by the humiliation, gradually became less. This whole environment she was in now, and the new circle of friends had brought her a miraculous recovery.
Was it a coincidence or pure luck? The money she did not have to pay back, the fast divorce, and sale of the house, this heavenly place on earth, and her relationship with Ana and David grew stronger every week. Was there a word to define all of that? Ah, what does that matter, she thought. Perhaps this was just what she deserved after all of that misery. Lady luck had finally smiled at her. In recent months, her mother had come to visit twice. Jurgen would come this summer with his family. Alex had come to stay with her during his spring break in May. They had a great time together. He would come to stay with her again during the last week of his summer vacation.
To surprise her, Christian and Etienne had unexpectedly showed up at her door. It had turned into a fantastic weekend, during which they had a lot of fun together. They agreed that they would return in the fall when her colleagues from work would also come to visit. Bernadette would accompany them then as well.
But not everyone responded so well to her victory. Monique had chosen Frank’s side. After the verdict, she had spoken to Monique for no more than fifteen minutes, and Frank’s sister had indicated that her family bond was stronger than the relationship with her sister-in-law. She clearly chose Frank’s side without disapproving of any of his actions. Because they used to have a good relationship, she regretted that they would never see each other again. She harbored no grudge against Heleen, but would always stand behind her brother. She was seriously considering returning to the Netherlands so she could visit Frank in prison regularly.
Monique was a mature adult and made a well-informed decision. Heleen wished her all the best.
Ana had become a real friend in a short amount of time. And little David? She was crazy about him. She simply couldn’t get enough of that child. What a sweetheart he was. She had never imagined that she could enjoy something so much that had come from something so evil.
She got up. That was enough for today. She suddenly felt very tired.
The phone rang. She quickly ran into the living room. The phone’s screen display showed it was Ana’s number. She answered cheerfully.
42
“Tia Elena!” As fast as his little legs could carry him, David ran to her and jumped into the arms of his “Aunt Heleen.”
“Hi there, how is my little man?” She kissed him on the cheek.
“Parque de atracciones,” he said expectantly.
She did exactly what she was asked to do. She grabbed him under his arms and started turning in circles. Because they had played this game a few times already, Heleen knew exactly where to place her feet without it causing any disastrous consequences for Ana’s furniture.
When she put him down again, he pulled her by the arm. She had to come to the garden and play soccer. Four rocks were used as goalposts on the small dry grass field. Who ever made the first three goals won the pretend World Cup. David had never lost to her, and she did everything in her power not to change that.
David celebrated his winning goal loudly. Like a true champion, he was carried to the kitchen, where Ana was waiting for them with lemonade. She had been watching the antics of her nephew and Auntie Heleen from a distance with a warm smile on her face.
While they were sitting at the kitchen table panting after the World Cup finals, Heleen opened her purse and pulled out a flat box. David immediately put his glass down and stretched out his right arm. Although Aunt Heleen almost always brought a gift, his eyes sparkled every time. Eagerly, he tore the wrapping paper off the present. He shouted and held up the DVD triumphantly.
“Cartoons!” Ana yelled out enthusiastically.
David nodded wildly and jumped up from his chair. He ran to Heleen and kissed her cheeks.
“Gracias!”
“De nada, mi amor.”
His eyes flashed to Ana. She nodded. With the DVD firmly clamped between his fingers, he ran to his room. When they heard the door slam, Ana let out a theatrical sigh.
“Your gifts create the ideal relaxing moments. Finally, some rest!”
Heleen grinned with her.
“Next time I’ll buy everything in the shop. You will have the most relaxing weekend of your life.”
They drank coffee. The cheerful sounds coming from David’s room matched the happy atmosphere in the kitchen. Their friendship had really grown in recent months. They saw each other at least once every two weeks and talked openly and freely about everything imaginable. There was always an overflow of topics and never enough time to discuss them all.
“You were being quite mysterious yesterday,” Heleen said. “What is it you would like to ask me that you couldn’t ask me over the phone?”
Ana grinned and put on a supposedly guilty face. “Well, maybe I exaggerated a little bit.” She raised her right hand. “But I really am in a bit of a jam.”
“Don’t make a murder pit of your heart.” Since Ana gave her a very confused look, Heleen realized that she had translated the expression from Dutch literally.
“Sorry, it’s a Dutch proverb,” she explained. “It means that you should not bottle things up but just let it all out.”
Ana nodded and smiled. Because Heleen had not mastered the Spanish language fully yet, she regularly used phrases incorrectly or would translate things literally. It was something that led to some very hilarious moments every once in a while.
“You know I have my exams next week,” Ana said.
“Yes, in Madrid,” Heleen replied. Ana was about to get her diploma as an optician.
“The problem is not so much the exam days, but the days after,” Ana continued. “The exam itself lasts two days. But my boss has decided that all the employees part of the group taking the exam should visit the four factories where they make glasses and contact lenses.”
“What a great idea!” Heleen responded enthusiastically.
“Sure, the idea itself sounds like fun. But unfortunately, that’s not all. As part of team-building experience, my overly social employer booked three survival days in the Sierra Nevadas for all the employees. So all in all, I am won’t be gone three days, but ten days total.”
Heleen sighed deeply. She immediately understood what the problem was.
“How will you do that with David? Will someone come here to take care of him?”
Ana shook her head.
“I had arranged for him to stay with a boy that is in day care with him. This morning I called that off—I can’t ask that from those parents. Besides, I can’t imagine leaving him with strangers for ten days. Because the truth is, they are lovely people, you know, and they even said that he was welcome for ten days. But at the end of the day, they are still strangers, you know?”
“Yes, I completely understand what you mean,” Heleen agreed wholeheartedly. “For David to be with strangers for ten days also seems like a very long time to me. He will undoubtedly get homesick at some point. You should be able to leave him with someone you trust.” It took a while before she realized where Ana was going with all of this. “You can’t be serious?” she said, the pitch of her voice dropping an octave.
“Absolutely,” her friend replied. “You just said it yourself—leave him with a trustworthy person, somewhere where David won’t get homesick. I know I’m intruding, and I totally understand if you don’t want to do this. I’m sure I could find someone else who could look after him. I promise I won’t hold it against you, okay?”
Heleen responded much more severely than she intended to. “No, no, no, you don’t understand. If there is anyone who would love to take care of David, then it’s me! We can do fun things tog
ether, like picking fruit, going to the beach, playing soccer and …”
She fell silent for a moment. Out of nowhere, her emotions came to the surface. The words she had wanted to say froze on her lips. Suddenly she felt self-conscious and avoided all eye contact. Before she had a chance to think of an excuse, Ana put her hands on hers.
“Do you remember you told me about your dream? To eventually make the villa suitable for child care, so you can cuddle and play with the little ones all day?”
Heleen attempted to shrug her shoulders casually. “Oh, you know, everyone has his or her dreams. That does not mean that you should always take them seriously. …”
A mocking smile appeared on Ana’s lips. She stood up. “Why don’t we ask David himself?” Without waiting for an answer from Heleen, she called her nephew. David came running into the kitchen with a flushed face. He always got very caught up in the characters in the cartoons.
“David, next week I have to leave for a few days for my work,” Ana said. “Who would you like to stay with the most?”
David began to shine. He stretched out his arms toward Heleen and fell around her neck.
“Tia Elena!”
Heleen pulled David tightly against her.
43
David wandered through the orchard. He clapped his hands and sang a song at the top of his lungs that he had learned at day care. His serious expression, the cheerful melody, and his childish movements made for a funny scene.
Despite her anxiety, she had to laugh at him. She had explained to him this morning that there could be snakes in the grass. Most of them were innocent garden snakes, but once in a while a dangerous snake would pop up. To avoid any accidents, she had asked him to always make a lot of noise in the orchard because the snakes were much more afraid of him than the other way around. David thought it was exciting and headed out right away.
She followed every step he took from the patio. He looked up regularly, would see her familiar face, and happily carry on. The game had lasted well over an hour without either one of them getting bored. Heleen had thought a few times that she should pinch herself in the arm. She was sitting on the patio of her own villa in Spain while the sweetest kid in the world had the time of his life in the surrounding orchard. Miracles happened and dreams came true after all.
After she was taken off guard by Ana’s babysitting idea and David’s spontaneous reaction, there was no turning back. Not that she wanted to, on the contrary, but it was still a lot to take on. On the way home, along with the excitement about the upcoming sleepover, she also started to have doubts. Could she do this?
Of course she could. David may very well be Frank’s son, but that was a completely different issue. However, she would have to be careful not to make any negative comments about Frank or Romina, which could upset him.
On the other hand, maybe she couldn’t do this. Obviously David was the product of the man who had hurt her to the depths of her soul. Every time she looked at him she would be reminded that she could not have any children. By bringing David into her house, it would bring up the past again, which sometimes made her emotional. Maybe this was a really stupid idea?
During the ride home, there had been a moment where she had considered changing her mind about the stay. But she quickly abandoned that thought. Her decision to live in Spain symbolized the vision she had of her future. She had closed a chapter of her life, without completely closing the door. Good memories and great people from the past were always welcome, but now she had to think about herself.
It was a bizarre situation. She had become friends with the sister of the woman who had stolen her husband and fallen in love with the child that had come from the relationship between her husband and another woman. Damn. Yes, she had to admit it: she loved him.
It was a bit like a black comedy. But one with a good ending—she would make sure of that! There was of course a chance that the sleepover would become a big disappointment. Or that she would find she couldn’t let go of the past.
But this was her life now, and she lived it the way she wanted. David was absolutely worth fighting for.
“Thirsty!” David said, climbing the stairs that separated the patio from the orchard.
She stood up and took his hand. Together they walked to the kitchen where she poured him a glass of soda. He pointed to the orchard with sparkling eyes.
“No snakes.”
“Fortunately not.”
“I want to go back.”
“Don’t you want to eat a sandwich first?”
He shook his head convincingly and pulled her along to the patio.
“We only go down the stairs together, like we agreed, okay?”
“Vale.”
Hand in hand, they walked down the stairs. Heleen was overly cautious. In addition to the warning, she hoped to convince him that he should take the steps carefully and one by one. Once in the orchard she let him go.
Casually she walked back to the living room and grabbed her camera. This was a perfect opportunity to take some pictures of David. She would make copies of the best ones for Ana. She had already purchased a little photo album for all of David’s pictures. Later, they would be great memories.
After about half an hour, David ended his search for invisible snakes. He was thirsty again and complained about the heat. They sat on the patio, where she took some pictures. The self-timer was ideal for pictures of the two of them together. She put the camera against a flowerpot, and they made silly and cute poses. She suggested that they go to the beach. They changed into their bathing suits quickly and got in the car. The bag with towels, plastic shovels, and buckets disappeared into the trunk.
They really enjoyed themselves on the beach. But David didn’t go into the water much past his ankles. He found the water to be pretty scary.
“The waves are pulling on me!”
“The water is growling!”
“There are monsters swimming in the sea!”
They left the beach in the late afternoon. Despite his hat and the high level of sunscreen, David was slightly sunburned on his arms and shoulder blades. She felt pretty guilty about that. Not exactly a good example of her babysitting. Looking for an after-sun product, she went into a tourist shop. In addition to the large assortment of goodies and fun items, the shop also possessed a device that developed digital photos instantly. After she paid for the bottle of after-sun lotion, she took the memory card from her camera. David loved it when the pictures appeared on the screen.
Together, they selected the best pictures. She made two copies of each one. There were three pictures in the series that really appealed to Heleen; there was an intimacy that radiated from the screen. In one of the pictures David was simply beaming at her. Everything about it suggested that he was very happy. After a brief hesitation, she decided to print an additional copy of each one. Would she dare send them?
While she planted David in the car seat, it suddenly seemed like a very good plan. It was something that would finally give her some satisfaction. For a brief moment, she thought she shouldn’t do it, that she shouldn’t let her resentment resurface, but she could not resist. He who laughs last …
Moments later, she parked in front of the post office, and they walked inside. She asked for an envelope and put the three additional pictures inside. She wrote the address on the front and sent it by express mail.
On the way home, David dozed off. Heleen felt satisfied.
44
I laugh and I cry about the spirit in your eyes. The almost-invisible little stars are still clear in my mind. They are the small little lights in my dark world, a black hole that beckons me every minute of the day. Away from these four walls. It is the temptation of infinity.
From the picture you look at me. The permanent chill in my soul is taken away by your face. But the pain cannot be driven away.
I have abandoned all hope. Every day a piece of my willpower dies. With great difficulty, I draw some comfort from my thoughts about you, t
he last bit of pride that remains in a broken man. It is the last thing I have left, beside my ultimate fate. No one can take that away from me. I get to decide that.
The combination of regret, shame, despair, and self-pity is a toxic combination that is slowly breaking down my zest for life. I promise I will keep fighting against it. However, I can give you no guarantee that I will last forever, David. I have to be honest. My strength is decreasing shockingly fast. Every day feels like a repetition of the previous one. My perspective for the future is a deflated balloon. The will to live is being sucked out of my body.
My fingers glide over your face. For a moment, the distance between us is bridged. You’re really with me. It feels like you are sitting next to me, instead of two thousand kilometers away in the Spanish sun. Every second that I can hold on to this thought is a victory of happiness. My son is with me. I put my arm around you …
My biggest fear is your reaction. Later, when you grow up, I mean. Will you even recognize me? And will I be able to meet you? Will you still know how much I love you, or will your opinion be shaped by the people in your inner circle? The latter seems most likely. So in that case I lose twice. That shame is unbearable now; imagine what it will be like by the time when you actually express the horror you feel about my actions.
The helplessness of my situation is maddening, especially because with my last act I automatically take away my personal right to embrace you and look you in the eyes and share my feelings and thoughts with you in person. This I truly regret. It seemed like a good idea to move my sentence to the Netherlands. All those good reasons now do not outweigh the fact that I will not see my own son again. I actually punished myself twice.
Heleen, I have recovered from the shock. When I first looked at these pictures, I was overwhelmed by emotions. I cursed you. I felt so much anger, powerlessness, shame, and deep regret. But now that I have calmed down again, I know better. With these pictures, you want to get your revenge. It hit me very hard, and I never expected this from you. Is my prison sentence not punishment enough for you or the fact that I will never see my son again and am locked up for the rest of my life? But I also know I’ve been wrong. So very wrong, in fact, that I can’t even manage to find the right words to explain my horrible deeds to you. But are we even now?
Cruise: A Thriller Page 17