by Izzy Bayliss
* * *
“Lily, I’m so sorry. I totally forgot to call you back –” His voice was panicked and sounded rough like gravel.
I sat up straight against the pillows. “Working late were you?”
“We all went for dinner, then we went to this club, and I don’t know . . . I lost track of time. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say . . .”
“Who were you out with?” I took a deep breath while I braced myself for the answer that I knew was coming.
He paused. “Jane and few of the others from the office.”
“You seem to be out with her a lot –”
“Well, we were seconded together . . . there were others there too, Lily.”
“Seconded to work – not to party!”
“Lily, we’re working really hard over here, so I don’t see what’s wrong about going out for a few drinks at the end of a long day?”
“But it’s every day!”
“I’m sorry – I just forgot!”
“I wouldn’t forget to call you because I think about you all the time! You know what? I don’t think your heart is even in this anymore –”
“Lily – I missed one phone call. Stop overreacting!”
“It’s not just one phone call; every time I call you, it’s all Jane this and Jane that!”
“What are you talking about, Lily? Jane is my colleague!”
“Well, do you know what, Sam? I’ve heard that before and it ended in divorce!”
“Lily, I think you’re being completely unfair here. I’m not Marc!”
“Well, stop acting like it then!”
“What has got into you?” He exhaled heavily like he was losing patience, which only served to increase my anger. “Look, I’m sorry I forgot to call you, it was a genuine mistake, but I’m going to go now. I’m not listening to any more of this shit. Give me a call when you calm down.” And then he hung up on me.
I flopped back against the headboard. My hands were trembling. I was fuming. How dare he! He had dismissed me like I was an annoying child who was imagining things and then cut me off. He was in the wrong and he was too stubborn to admit it. Well, I certainly was not going to let a man make a fool of me again. Sam Waters could go to hell.
CHAPTER 12
As I cycled to work the following morning I felt as though rage was pushing the pedals of the bike for me. Normally I took my time over the old city cobbles, but today I powered over them so that my bum bumped along on the saddle.
After I had locked it on the railings on Bluebell Lane, I stormed through the door and headed straight into the kitchen. I pounded ingredients together, slammed doors, and blustered around the place getting ready for the day ahead. My cakes were certainly not Baked with Love that morning.
“Is everything okay?” Dad asked a while later after I had placed my mug of tea down so hard on the counter that a bit sloshed over the side.
“Yes, of course, why?” I asked, forcing a smile on my face. I didn’t want to worry him by revealing what had happened with Sam.
“You just seem a bit . . . on edge today?”
“Do I? Sorry, I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Go in the back there and put your head down for five minutes while it’s quiet.”
I looked around at the wilderness that was my bakery. “Quiet is one way of describing it!” I said grumpily.
I made myself a cup of tea. Then I did as I was told and went into the kitchen. I sat down at the bench and exhaled heavily. I picked up my phone to see if Sam had called me back but there was nothing from him, which just incensed me even further. Shouldn’t he be bombarding me with apologies? I decided to dial Frankie’s number.
“Uhhhh.”
“Frankie?”
She groaned. “Why are you calling me so early?”
“Well, it’s not that early, I thought you’d be in work already?”
“My head is banging . . . I’m so hung-over.”
“Again?” I knew I sounded preachy but it seemed as though every time I spoke to her nowadays she was hung-over.
“Lily, I’m a single woman in my thirties. I’m allowed to have a bit of fun.”
“Okay, calm down, there’s no need to be so defensive . . . Sam and I had a huge row earlier –”
“What happened?”
“It’s this Jane woman; he’s always out with her. He was meant to call me last night and he totally forgot!”
“Lily, it’s one phone call, chill the boots!”
“But that’s the thing, it’s not just one phone call. It’s more than that, don’t you see what it represents?”
“Yeah, that he forgot to call you . . .”
“I would never forget to call him – I think about him all the time. He’s having so much fun over there that he’s starting to forget about me.”
“I think you’re overreacting.”
“That’s what he said –” I said, feeling the wind being taken out of my sails. I suddenly was feeling less sure of myself.
“Okay, he should have called you but Sam loves you, you need to calm down and look at the bigger picture here. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he says nothing untoward happened and you love him, then you have to trust him.”
“But what if he makes a fool of me?” I whispered. “I could never go through all of that again.” When I thought back to the pain I had felt after Marc’s betrayal and how long it had taken me to get over that hurt, I had come so far, I couldn’t let myself go back to that place ever again.
“I know you’ve been hurt before, but you can’t not trust someone because of what Marc did to you. You owe it to Sam to be fair. How can you expect your relationship to survive if you don’t trust him? That isn’t fair to anyone. And for what it’s worth, I think Sam is one of the good ones. I really don’t think he’d do that to you.”
“Do you think?”
“Look, why don’t you call him back and explain that you had a bad day. Sam loves you, he’ll understand. Stop letting Marc ruin your chance to be happy.”
I knew she was right; I would forever hate Marc for stripping away my naturally trusting nature. He had eroded my confidence, but if I let him ruin my relationships, he would always have a hold over me and I would never get to experience happiness.
I sighed. “Urggh, I hate this distance between us; it’s turning me into a crazy lady.”
“You were a crazy lady long before Sam moved to New York. Now call him, I’m going back to sleep!”
After I had hung up from Frankie, I dialled Sam’s number. It would be six a.m. in New York so at least I knew he would be getting up for work around then and for once wouldn’t be in some bar or nightclub.
“Lily?” I heard his voice in that gorgeous husky tone that told me he had just woken up. I could imagine him in his boxer shorts, with his eyes half-open, his hair tousled from sleep. I loved when it sounded like this in the mornings, usually he would take me into his arms and I would lay my head against the dark skin of his chest.
“I’m sorry –” I blurted. “I totally overreacted last night. I just find it difficult, you know? I mean, I knew it was going to be difficult, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I didn’t mean to go off at you like that –”
“Hey look, it’s okay.” His voice was soothing. “I get that this is hard for you – hell, it’s hard for me too. And I’m sorry I forgot to call you. I promise I won’t let it happen again.”
“I miss you so much, Sam. I can’t wait until this secondment is over and I get to have you back to myself again.”
“Me too, Lily, you have no idea how much.”
“Sam?” a voice called in the background. It was a female voice. My blood ran cold. “Sam?” the voice called again.
“Who is that?” I asked quickly. My heart was racing as I waited for him to answer.
“Okay, please don’t overreact – it’s Jane – but it’s not what you think – I swear to you, Lily –” I could hea
r the panic in his tone. He knew he had crossed the line. Why would she be in his apartment first thing in the morning unless something had happened the night before? As the realization took hold that I wasn’t just imagining things, I was left reeling. I had heard these words before from Marc; I couldn’t believe that now Sam was saying the same thing to me. I heard the blood rush into my ears and I dropped the phone from my trembling hands. It fell on the floor tiles by my feet.
“Lily? Lily, are you there?” I could hear him call.
I didn’t want to talk to him; I didn’t want to hear him spill out any more lies to me. How had I let this happen to me again? Had I learnt nothing from Marc?
Tears started spilling down my face. I had opened the door to my heart to let Sam in, it had taken me a long time to be able to trust somebody again after what Marc had done to me, but I had believed Sam was worth it. I had taken a chance on him even when everything inside of me screamed not to do it. I should have listened though because once again I had been made a fool of.
CHAPTER 13
I sat trembling in the kitchen. The oven was bleeping, but I couldn’t move myself from the chair to get up and turn it off. The thought of Sam and Jane together was like acid slowly stripping away my skin. How could he do that to me? Did he think now because there was an ocean between us that the rules had shifted and blurred somehow? He was lucky there was an ocean between us because if I saw him right now, who knows what I might do to him!
“Aren’t you going to turn that off?” Dad said, coming into the kitchen and heading straight over to the oven. His eyes landed on me then. “Are you okay, Lily? You’re looking very pale?”
I brushed a piece of hair back from my face and forced a smile. “I’m great, Dad.”
“You would tell me if something was worrying you, wouldn’t you?” he said looking at me with his head cocked to the side.
“Of course!” I tried to sound breezy, but I wasn’t sure I quite pulled it off.
“Everything is okay with the business, isn’t it?”
“It’s all good, Dad. What’s with all the questions?”
“I’m your father, that’s what I’m supposed to do!”
I went to stand up but suddenly I felt lightheaded. My whole body felt heavy. “Actually, Dad, I’m not feeling so good.” I sat back down again onto the bench. “I think I might need to go home and lie down. Will you be okay on your own?” I craned my neck to look beyond the kitchen door and took a swift glance around the place. There was one customer, a man working on his laptop. He had it plugged in to the wall, and suddenly I felt angry that the electricity he was using would negate the profit I would earn from his cup of tea. Then I chastised myself for being so mean. One customer using my electricity was better than none at all. I wanted everyone to feel welcome in Baked with Love no matter how much they spent.
Dad looked at me with concern. This was totally out of character for me and he knew it. “Of course, I can hold the fort here. You go home and go straight to bed, do you hear me?”
For once I wasn’t going to argue, and I got up again and steadied myself. I lifted my coat down from the stand and slid my arms into its sleeves. I would come in extra early in the morning to catch up on what I’d usually do in the evening.
Once outside the fresh air was a welcome relief. I breathed it deeply into my lungs. In, out, in, out, until I began to feel less wobbly. When my legs felt strong enough I got up on my bike and headed back home. Horrible thoughts of Sam and Jane together in bed crashed around inside my head. My skin felt as though it was crawling whenever I thought about it. It brought me right back to the time I had walked in on Marc with Nadia and that awful sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I narrowly missed being hit by a bus when I cycled through a red light. The driver blared his horn angrily, and the passengers glared through the windows at me.
When I reached the apartment, I put my key in the lock and let myself in. The place was chilly. Slanted sunbeams filtered in through the glass catching dust motes in its rays. I wasn’t used to seeing the place during the daylight hours anymore. It hit me then; I wasn’t just losing Sam – I was losing my home too. I felt overwhelmed by the sheer ache in my heart.
When I took my phone out of my pocket I saw I had several missed calls and messages from Sam, but I switched it off without even bothering to read them. I didn’t see what words he could possibly offer to explain why Jane had been in his apartment first thing in the morning. When Marc had cheated on me with Nadia, as well as the betrayal, the embarrassment was almost worse. I had been mortified that I was the last person to find out; everyone else had known about them before me. I swore nobody would do that to me ever again. My self-preservation had tightened since Marc, and I had promised myself that I would never again let anyone else put a dent in my armour. I wouldn’t listen to any more excuses or lies; I couldn’t allow myself to be humiliated any more.
I went into the bedroom, kicked off my shoes, and climbed into bed without bothering to take off my clothes. Our bed. It killed me to think of Sam and Jane together in a different bed over three thousand miles away.
I fell asleep and dreamt that Jane and I were contestants on Mastermind and we were both competing for Sam. Sam was the host and he would ask us a question about himself and every time I gave what I thought was the right answer, Jane would trump me with something even better. “But it’s me!” I kept protesting when it was clear that I was losing badly, but Sam didn’t seem to care. He pressed his hand down on the buzzer.
I woke up in a sweat and opened my eyes. It was dark beyond the blinds. My heart was racing, and it took me a second to get my bearings. I checked the time and saw I had been asleep for six hours. I heard the buzzer again, the same one from my dreams, obnoxious and insistent. I realised it was coming from the door. I pulled back the duvet and put my two feet on the floor before making my way out to the hall. I checked through the peephole to make sure it wasn’t an axe murderer, and when I saw Frankie’s chaotic hair at the other end, I opened it and let her in.
“What’s going on, Lily?” Frankie said, immediately stepping inside. “Are you okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your phone is off. I’ve been trying to call you. I had six missed calls from Sam, so I called him back thinking something awful had happened to you, but he just said you had had a misunderstanding and he asked me to get you to call him back. I’ve been worried sick!” Frankie said.
“‘A misunderstanding,’ is that what he called it?” I practically spat the words back at her. She shut the door behind her and made her way over to the sofa.
She raised the palms of her two hands to face me. “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!”
“So I guess he left out the bit about the woman in the background then?” I said, following her over.
Her mouth fell open. “What?”
“When I called him back after I was talking to you earlier, I could hear a woman’s voice in the background. It was Jane.”
“Oh, Lily . . . do you think it could have been innocent? He sounded distraught when I was talking to him.”
“Believe me I’ve wracked my head to see if I could come up with another explanation for what was going on, but it was six a.m. in the morning, what other reason could there be except that they had spent the night together?” Once again the sting of what had happened assailed me. It was like sandpaper being rubbed back and forth across my skin.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry!”
I sighed. “I’ve had my suspicions about the two of them for weeks now.”
She sat down onto the sofa and I did the same. I looked around the room so full of Sam’s personality that it felt like a stab to the heart once again.
“I’m shocked. I really thought Sam was one of the good ones.”
“So did I.”
“This calls for wine.”
I let Frankie select a bottle from the wine chiller, and she poured us both a glass. “Look, maybe you should talk to him,
give him the benefit of the doubt? I know I’m the last person who should be giving advice, but long-distance relationships are tricky –”
“No way!” I shook my head resolutely. “There is no way I’ll ever let another man make a fool of me the way Marc did. The first time I can put down to naïvety but to let it happen a second time would be utter stupidity.”
CHAPTER 14
We drank the first bottle and then opened another one. Suddenly, I felt panicked about Baked with Love. What if Dad had been trying to call me about something and my phone was off? I quickly found it in my handbag and switched it on. Immediately I was assailed with messages notifying me of missed calls from Sam. There were lots of texts too. I was relieved to see there were none from Dad. Fortified by the wine, I decided to read the messages and see what Sam had to say for himself.
The first one was:
“Please call me, Lily, I need to talk to you. I can explain everything.”
After that they began to get increasingly more desperate:
“Please call me, Lily – I love you.”
Then:
“Please pick up, Lily. You’ve got this wrong. Jane did stay over but she slept in my room and I stayed on the couch. She was so drunk that I didn’t want to send her home on her own. I thought I was doing the right thing by making sure she was okay, but I can see why you would think there is something going on. Call me, please.”
I read through them until finally the last one said simply:
“Jane is gay.”
I nearly spilled the glass of wine out of my hand. I quickly put it down on the coffee table, causing some of the wine to spill over the rim of the glass. I read it again and then another time to make sure I wasn’t imagining it.
“What is it?” Frankie asked, noticing my face.
I passed the phone to her.
“Oh my God,” she said open-mouthed.
“How do I know if he’s telling the truth?” I whispered.
“Well, maybe you should call him and listen to what he has to say?”