by Izzy Bayliss
I picked it up in my hands. “Oh, Mam,” I sighed with tears tripping my voice. “Why does it have to be so hard? I know I’ve made a mess of things lately – well, ‘mess’ is probably putting it mildly, but I’m working on it, I really am. I’m going to get my life together, make you proud of me again. I promise,” I whispered to her photo.
CHAPTER 41
Soon dawn began to break over the city. The sky shifted from shades of pink to blue, and I could hear the city coming to life below as the sound of a jackhammer began digging up the road as I started to get ready for work. The lack of sleep had left my body aching all over, and even my skin hurt as the water ran over me in the shower. I was beginning to think I was coming down with something. I managed only to get sick once that morning though, so I was trying to count my blessings.
It was a sunny spring day as I threw open the door of Baked with Love that morning. And it wasn’t long before the café was filled with the sound of chatter and clinking china. I looked out the window and saw that beyond, people were thronging the streets looking cheerful. All the tables I had put outside that morning were now full. We so rarely got good weather in Ireland that as soon as the sun came out, people wanted to make the most of it. I had rugs for people to throw over their laps in case they grew chilly, and people seemed to like it.
We were doing a roaring trade in boxes of mini mint and raspberry cheesecakes, which I had displayed by the till. They were fresh and summery and proving really popular. People were in a good mood and wanted to treat themselves.
I, however, felt as though I was dragging myself around all day. Whenever I thought about Sam in New York and his new girlfriend I felt so sad. I was now realizing that deep down I had never really believed that our relationship was over; I had always thought there was unfinished business and that we’d get to sort it out one day, so to hear that he had moved on without me was devastating. I was only now accepting that our relationship was truly finished. As I thought about the two of them together, I couldn’t help but wonder if they were at that stage where they couldn’t keep their hands off one another. Were they experiencing that insatiable desire where they were on each other’s mind constantly? I remembered the frisson of the early stages when we were together, and I felt distraught that someone else was experiencing that with him now. Did he even think about me anymore? And how on earth was I supposed to tell him about the baby now?
“Here, don’t be lifting that in your condition,” Dad said, wrestling a chair out of my hands. “You need to be taking it a bit easier.”
I was too tired to protest, and I put it back down again. My legs felt like they had been cast in concrete as I moved around Baked with Love.
“Are you sure you’re okay, love?” Dad asked for what felt like the hundredth time.
“I’m fine, Dad, I just didn’t sleep great.”
“She’s looking very peaky all right,” Mabel said, joining the queue with little Lottie.
“Hi, Mabel. I’m fine, you two, now stop fussing! Will I get you the usual?” Mabel had become partial to my spiced pear tart over recent weeks.
“Please, Lily love.”
“Me want honey cookie,” Lottie shouted. Then remembered her manners. “Please,” she added with a sweet smile.
Mabel and Lottie sat down, and Dad got their order ready and brought it over to them. He stood chatting with Mabel for a few minutes while Lottie was colouring. I watched them as they talked; he had a smile stretching from ear to ear. They really seemed to have hit it off.
The rest of the day went past in endless cappuccinos, teas, chatting to customers, snapping on latex gloves, peeling off latex gloves, slicing cake, mixing more cake batter, cleaning up, checking stock levels, reordering supplies, more cleaning, paying invoices before getting ready to do it all again the next day.
I still wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t face the cycle home, so I decided to get a taxi.
When I reached Frankie’s apartment, the smell of melted cheese greeted me from outside the door and made me want to vomit.
“I made this for you,” Frankie said, lifting a steaming dish from the oven as soon as I came into the kitchen. “Comfort food.”
I looked at the lasagne, still bubbling in its dish and gagged.
“Sorry,” I said. “The baby says no –”
“It’s okay – I’ll forgive you.”
I sank down onto the sofa and took a quick look around to see if there was a wine glass anywhere like there usually would be when I came home, but true to her word there was none. I knew it wasn’t easy for her and I was proud of her.
“So how are you doing?” she asked.
“I can’t believe it’s over, y’know? I think in the back of my mind I always believed that we’d work it out . . .”
“So did you decide when you’re going to tell him about the baby? Who knows, maybe when his new girlfriend hears she might run a mile?” she said with a wry smile.
“It’s such a mess.” I sighed.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Shit.”
“You’ll start feeling better any day now; you’re nearly at week twelve and the placenta will be taking over soon, mark my words.”
“Have you been reading the book again?”
“Maybe . . .” she said, grinning at me.
I smiled back at her. I just knew she was going to be right by my side every step of the way, and I was so glad to have a friend like her.
“So I heard something today that might put a smile on your face –” she continued.
“Go on –”
“Well, the make-up artist that was doing the shoot today works with Nadia a good bit and apparently she has finally wised up to Marc! She had given him so many chances for Marley’s sake, but apparently after seeing that story, she went crazy. I can’t say I blame her, so she threw him out, sold his car, changed all the locks, and she’s cut off his access to her money and everything. And the best bit is that nobody in the industry will hire him because of what he did to her!”
“Wow,” I said, but the news didn’t make me feel any better about my own situation instead I just felt even more depressed.
“What’s wrong? I thought that would cheer you up,” Frankie asked.
“I’m sorry, I’m not feeling so good. I think I’m going to go straight to bed.” My whole body was aching and I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open.
I woke some time later needing to use the bathroom. My tummy was cramping, and I didn’t feel well at all. I pulled myself up and sat against the pillows. I tried to figure out what time it was; I was disorientated. I got up and went into the toilet – that was another crazy pregnancy symptom – the amount of times I had to use the toilet. I flicked on the light, and it was then that I saw it; bright red blood stained my pyjama bottoms. I stood still, I was too afraid to move in case I made whatever was happening worse.
“Frankie?” I called out, hoping she would hear me through the wall.
After a few seconds, I heard her stumbling out of bed. She entered the bathroom bleary-eyed as her eyes tried to adjust to the light.
“What is it, Lily?”
“I’m bleeding –” My voice came out in a whisper.
“The baby?” she asked, suddenly waking up.
I nodded. “I think so . . . oh, Frankie I’m scared,” I whispered.
CHAPTER 42
Frankie drove us the short distance to the maternity hospital. She broke red lights, zipped up bus lanes, and undertook other cars that weren’t going fast enough. I looked out at the city lights as they whizzed past the window of her mini cooper.
“It’ll all be okay, Lily,” she said, reaching across the gearstick to squeeze my hand when we were stopped at a junction.
I stayed quiet beside her. I was terrified to speak, and I could tell she didn’t know what to say to me. For the shock that this baby had been to me, and the turbulence it had caused in my life, I had grown attached to the idea of motherhood even
if it meant doing it alone. I didn’t want to lose my baby. Over the last few days I had started to allow myself to imagine what our future would be like together. Would it be a boy or girl? Would they be fair like me or more olive-skinned like Sam? What would his or her first word be?
Frankie parked outside the door and put on her hazard lights. The night porter directed us to the emergency room where a kindly midwife took my details and told me to take a seat.
“It’ll be okay,” Frankie said, giving me a reassuring squeeze again.
There were other women seated under the bright fluorescent lights of the emergency room, some were in the early stages just like me, others were further along. Nobody dared to speak; we were too caught up in our own worries. The one thing that united us was that we were all anxious for our babies.
Eventually, we were called. “Lily McDermott?”
I entered the darkened room, followed closely by Frankie. The hum of the sonography equipment filled the air.
I held my breath as the sonographer squeezed cool gel across my stomach before scanning me with the probe. Her forehead was creased in concentration. I tried to study her reactions because the screen just seemed to be a blur of black and white. It felt as though I was waiting an eternity for her to speak.
“I’m sorry, Lily, sometimes these things take a while,” she said eventually. “Bear with me.”
I swallowed back a sob. Frankie squeezed my hand tightly in hers. This was not good news; she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I just knew it.
Eventually, I saw a slow smile break across her face. She clicked on the screen and began dragging lines from left to right.
“You see this, Lily?” she asked.
I looked at a pulsing image on the screen. I nodded, secretly daring to hope that it was what I thought it was.
“That’s your baby’s heart. Here, do you want to hear it?”
I listened as she pressed a button and soon the cubicle was filled with what sounded like horses’ hooves racing over arid land. I don’t think I have ever heard a sweeter sound. My heart swelled with love and pride, and before I knew it, I had tears of joy spilling down my face. I looked over at Frankie, and she was grinning manically at me. “Oh, Frankie!” I cried.
“So it’s okay then, the baby is okay?” she asked jumping off her chair to take a closer look at the screen.
“The baby looks perfect to me. The heartbeat is good and strong. According to this scan, you’re almost twelve weeks along.”
“But why was I bleeding then? Does that mean something is wrong with the baby?”
“Sometimes women bleed for no known reason. However, I can see you have a low-lying placenta, which sometimes can be a reason for this sort of thing happening. Have you been under stress lately or doing too much?”
Frankie looked at me and raised her eyebrows.
“Well, yeah, I’ve had a stressful few weeks . . .”
The sonographer nodded knowingly. “Stress can do funny things to our bodies. You’re growing another person now – it’s no mean feat. You need to start taking it a bit easier. I’d recommend a few days of rest, and then when you’re feeling better, you should think about joining an antenatal yoga class if you find yourself getting stressed. Sometimes things like this happen to give us a little wake-up call; it’s our body’s way of telling us to take it easy.”
The journey home was much calmer. As Frankie drove us through the deserted city streets, we were both quiet as we thought back over the events of the night.
When I climbed back into bed that night, I placed my hands on my abdomen. I was so thankful to still have my little baby here with me. I made a promise to him or her that from then on I was going to be the best mother that I could be. No matter what happened, I vowed to start putting this baby first. It was me and this baby united against the world.
CHAPTER 43
I stayed in bed the next morning and let Frankie attend to me. I had learnt my lesson and was so grateful to still have my baby with me that I wasn’t going to jeopardise it again. I knew the stress I had put myself under over the last few weeks had taken its toll and it wasn’t good for the baby or me. My life wasn’t just about me anymore; I had somebody else to think about too. Although I wished dearly that Sam was by my side, I was slowly learning to accept that I would be doing it alone, and although I was scared, I was summoning strength from somewhere I didn’t know I had. Maybe it was from the baby. Together we would be our own unit, and I knew Dad and Frankie would be a great support to me too.
Frankie had left me the remote control and a tray piled high with snacks, all within arm’s reach so that I wouldn’t have to get out of bed.
“The only time you’re allowed out of this bed is to use the toilet,” she had warned as she had left for work that morning.
I noticed she had chosen healthy things like flapjacks, and I spied a packet of kale crisps sticking out underneath a bunch of bananas. I never usually had time to watch TV, so I was binge-watching episodes of the Bake Off. I called Dad to check in with Baked with Love, and he told me that he and Clara had everything under control. I had finally agreed that since Baked with Love was so busy these days that we needed to hire someone else, especially now that I was pregnant. I would need someone to help Dad out while I was at my antenatal appointments and have them trained up for when I would be on maternity leave, and I couldn’t always keep asking Clara. I still wasn’t sure how that was all going to work, trying to run a business with a baby in tow, but I decided in my new Zen mindset that I wasn’t going to worry about that now. I had to trust that it would all work out as Dad and Frankie, rather annoyingly, kept reminding me.
I spent the day snoozing and watching some TV only broken with trips to the toilet. It was blissful, but when my phone rang and I saw it was Clara, immediately I felt panicked. I hoped nothing was wrong in Baked with Love.
“Clara, is everything okay?” I said quickly.
“Don’t worry, everything is fine with Baked with Love,” she whispered. “But I’ve just come home and I – I can hear people having sex upstairs in my bedroom.”
“Oh, Clara, are you sure?” I said stunned. Surely Tom wouldn’t be so stupid.
“I know what it sounds like –” She choked back a sob. She sounded desolate, completely unlike her usual brash self. My heart broke for her. Whatever she was going to uncover in her bedroom was going to be horrible, and I didn’t want her to face it alone. I had been through it all before, except it was even worse for her because they had two children together, so she had to think of them as well.
“Okay, you stay right there and promise me you won’t go up there on your own, I’ll be right over.” I knew I was supposed to be on bed rest but Clara needed me.
CHAPTER 44
I quickly pulled back the duvet and jumped out of bed. I stuck my feet into my runners and hurried out to the hall. I ran slap bang into Frankie coming in through the door from work.
“And where do you think you’re going?” she asked blocking my path with her hands on her hips.
“It’s Clara –” I said. “She’s just walked in on Tom having sex with someone in their bed!”
“Tom? Really? Euggh, he’s about as sexy as a head of cabbage!” She shuddered. “It’s always the ones you least expect,” she said, shaking her head.
“It’s been going on for weeks now, but she has been waiting to confront him about it. It sounds like he’s going to get it tonight though.”
“That’s not all he’s getting! How stupid can he be? Doing it on his own doorstep!” She pursed her lips in disgust. “Men – they’re all the same, if they thought with their brains more than their penises, they’d go far - wait is it penises or penii?”
“I’m not really sure but it doesn’t matter,” I said impatiently. “I need to go!”
“Come on, get in the car, I’ll drive you over.”
“Oh, Frankie, that would be great! Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“And miss a ringside s
eat at the epic showdown of Clara versus Tom! Are you mad?”
We hurried down to the basement and jumped into Frankie’s mini. We drove past the Liffey, so dark and still under the moonlight. Soon we had left the city lights behind us and we were in the leafy suburban streets of Dublin 4. Imposing red-bricked mansions stood proudly on either side of the road fronted by manicured hedges. Eventually, Frankie turned the car into Clara’s driveway. I hopped out and entered the code for the automatic gates. When they parted, we drove over the crunchy gravel and came to a stop in front of the house.
Clara met us at the door looking distraught. She put her finger over her lips signaling for us to be quiet. We listened, and sure enough we could hear loud groans coming from upstairs.
“Has he been at it all this time?” I whispered in disbelief. Tom was no spring chicken.
“I have to give it to him – he has some stamina!” Frankie whispered after a minute.
Clara shot her a look. “It’s a compliment!” Frankie argued back.
“Where are the boys?” I said, changing the subject.
“At their swimming lessons with Olga. The bastard must have thought I’d still be in the café,” she said tearfully.
“I think you’d better go upstairs, Clara,” I said softly. “We’ll be right with you.” I reached for her hand and squeezed it in solidarity.
The three of us threaded the stairs taking care not to make noise. We rounded the return and climbed the rest of the steps until we were on the landing. The groans were getting louder, the closer we got to the bedroom. We tiptoed over Clara’s plush carpet until we were right outside the door. Clara took a deep breath before reaching for the handle but then hesitated at the last second.