He laughed. “Sounds like you're making this into a science.”
“Well, there is a science to everything,” I said as we got onto the lift again.
“So, you're saying if we race this next run, I'll win?”
“Duh.”
And so once we reached the top, Matthew challenged me to a race. For some stupid reason I agreed, and that's the last I saw of him for quite some time since he rode the next few runs with Josh, Caitlin's brother Benjamin O'Conner, and some of the other youth group guys.
Okay, I should've been glad he was comfortable with these Christian dudes, but I felt a little left out too. Although it was fun hanging with Chloe and Affie. Those girls are a hoot and a half. Chloe's a really good rider, and Allies a really good sport. It was Allies first time, and she spent most of it floundering around in the snow while we tried to coach her. Finally she gave up and joined the tubers, and Chloe and I did a few more runs together.
Then this morning things with Matthew seemed to change. We knew we only had a half day to snowboard, and I was determined to make the most of it. As it turned out, Matthew was too. So we pretty much spent the entire morning together. And during our last run, Matthew thanked me for inviting him to come on the retreat.
“Josh has given me some interesting things to think about, you know,” he told me as we paused midway on the slope to enjoy the view. “But it's not like I'm going to become a Christian anytime soon.”
“That's okay,” I said as I defogged my goggles.
Then to my surprise he put his arms around me and pulled me close. “I really do like you, Kim.” He hugged me tightly.
I hugged him back. “I really like you too.”
“Even if I'm not saved?” He looked down into my face now.
I smiled. “Even if you're not saved.”
Then he kissed me. Just once, but it was very sweet. “Was that okay?” he asked as he stepped away
I grinned as I adjusted my goggles and put my helmet back on. “Hey, it was better than okay,” I yelled as I took off down the hill ahead of him. I felt like I was flying as I rode down: But I wasn't surprised to see him whizzing past me, easily beating me to the bottom of the hill. At least I didn't fall down.
So all in all, it was a fantastic trip. And when I got home, I went on and on about it to my parents. And they seemed pleased that I'd had such a good time. But then after I came up here to go to bed, it occurred to me (again) that I'd forgotten to ask about how my mom was feeling. But then maybe that's okay, maybe she'd rather not be reminded. Besides, we're all still praying for her. We even prayed for her in my cabin during the retreat, and everyone there agreed to keep praying for her until she is totally healed.
Saturday, January 14
I went out with Matthew tonight. I thought I'd talked him into going to youth group with me, but then he switched gears by suggesting we take in a recently released movie instead. And since it was a flick I'd been wanting to see, it wasn't too difficult for him to tempt me. Even so, I did feel a little guilty for skipping out on youth group tonight.
Okay, I guess I can offidally say that Matthew and I really are dating now. At least that's what Nat calls it.
“Don't give me that ‘we're just friends’ bit,” she told me on Friday. “I saw you guys kissing after school yesterday.”
“Kissing? It was nothing more than a little good-bye peck.”
“Call it what you like. It looked like kissing to me.”
“So, what's the big deal? Everyone does it, Nat.” I didn't mention that I see couples, on a daily basis, who not only kiss but look like they're going for the whole tamale if you ask me.
“The big deal is he's not saved.”
“So it would be okay to kiss him if he was saved?” I asked.
“Well, it changes things,” she told me, as if she was the self-proclaimed expert.
“Okay, you're right. He's not saved yet. But he's taking me to youth group tomorrow night. And you never know what God might be doing.”
That seemed to pacify her. “Does that mean you're not going to youth group with Cesar?” Her eyes got that hungry look again, like she still thinks she might have a chance with Cesar.
“What difference does it make, Nat? You know where he stands. Why don't you give the poor boy a break? Nothing's changed about him and dating.” I didn't remind her of how unsuccessful her advances during snow camp turned out to be. Cesar was like a rock wall—immovable when it came to her attempts to soften him up. I also didn't ask her why she thinks its okay to keep pestering Cesar when he's made his position perfectly clear, but it's wrong for me to date Matthew. Because in my opinion what she's doing is worse than what I'm doing. But what do I know since I'm a “baby” Christian.
“It's just so unfair,” she said as we got into my Jeep.
As I turned the key in the ignition, I was trying to think of a way to change the subject. “So, Nat, are you saying it's okay for me to be with Matthew if we go to youth group?” I asked like I needed her permission. Yeah, sure.
“I guess that's okay.”
I had to laugh. “Well, good. Thanks for your blessing.”
“It wasn't a blessing.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“I just don't want Matthew to drag you down, Kim.”
“Maybe I'm dragging him down, Nat. Did you ever think ofthat?”
“Just remember you need to keep God as number one in your life. Don't let Matthew take over.”
“He's not taking over,” I assured her as I pulled out of the parking lot. “God is still number one.”
She nodded. “Well, that's a relief.”
But I must admit (at least to myself, not Nat) that I really do like Matthew a lot. He's so easy to be with and we really understand each other. Well, other than the God thing, I guess. But even so, I totally understand where he's at right now, since I was in almost the same place not all that long ago. And I really do believe that he will change, and who knows, maybe I'm supposed to be a part of that change. And honestly, I don't see anything wrong with going out with him. Or kissing. But these thoughts I must keep to myself. Nat would NOT understand.
And that's probably the reason I went online to chat with her tonight. Trying to make her understand how I feel. For one thing, I knew she'd find out that I skipped out on youth group, so I figured I better just lay my cards on the table and tell her.
Naturally, she thought that was terrible and that Matthew was already influencing me away from God, and the next thing you know I'll be a perfect heathen or maybe even a Buddhist again. So, I assured her that was not the case—at least I tried to assure her. And then I told her that I thought Matthew was actually getting closer to coming to God and that perhaps I was part of the equation. Of course, she was pretty skeptical. But she did seem somewhat appeased. Then I invited her to watch a movie with me tomorrow. I didn't tell her which one, but after church I plan to stop by the video store and rent “Saved.” I don't see that it can do any harm.
Sunday, January 15
Natalie didn't much care for my selection of movies tonight. In fact, she almost took it as a personal attack on her beliefs. Now, I hadn't seen “Saved” before and was only going on Matthew's recommendation, but I must admit there were some things I liked about it. In some ways it reminded me of the movie “Mean Girls,” only the mean girls in this movie were the “Christians.”
Now, not all Christians are like that. In fact, I know quite a few who are very cool. And I'm guessing the negative ones are definitely a minority. Just the same, I sure don't want to be like that, but it does make you think…
“That is so stereotypical,” Natalie said with disgust as we watched the movie. “Christian bashing from Hollywood. Wow, what a surprise! You know the only religious group that it's always open season on is Christians. If someone made a movie like this about Muslims or Jews, well, watch out! The ACLU would be called in, and the filmmakers would be accused of discrimination or maybe something even worse. But it's
perfectly fine to make a movie like this about Christians.”
I wanted to tell her to just watch the stupid movie, but I realized I was already in over my head. As it turned out, I missed enough of the movie that I may need to watch it again.
“And guess who made this movie, Kim? Probably some Hollywood atheist who totally hates Christians. It's just so unfair.”
“I don't personally know who made the movie,” I told her in a flat voice.
“Well, it's all wrong. They're making us look bad.”
“We make us look bad,” I said, perhaps a bit impatiently. Then she got really quiet, and I knew she was mad. I suggested turning the DVD off, but she wouldn't hear of it.
“We might as well finish it,” she snapped at me. But I could tell that she'd already turned it off in her head.
When the movie ended, I turned off the TV and looked at Natalie. Her face was blank, but I could tell she was still smpldering.
“Sorry you didn't like it,” I said.
She rolled her eyes. “Well, I suppose there were a couple of good parts, like it figures that Mary got pregnant—she should've known better than to mess around. But even so I get so tired of Christian bashing in general.”
“Who bashes Christians?” I asked as I popped out the DVD.
“Everyone. I mean, everyone who's not saved—I mean, who isn't a Christian.”
So I had to wonder if this movie was giving her second thoughts on her Christian vocabulary or perhaps just the word “saved.” And while that wasn't my intent, I don't think it hurts to consider how we might seem to others in words as well as in actions.
“But don't you think that Christians can come across as, well, kind of superior know-it-alls sometimes?”
She seemed to consider this. “Maybe, I'm sure that some people do. But not all of us.”
“I just think Jesus would want us to be more approachable,” I told her. “I think He'd want us to be the kind of people that non-Christians would want to get to know better.”
“That's what I think too.”
“But do you think that Hilary Faye was approachable?” I asked.
“No, but she's just a ridiculous character, and that was all part of the Hollywood thing. They wanted to make her look really bad as a put-down to Christians in general.”
Well, I wanted to point out that there were other Christians in the movie too, but I just let it go. No sense in getting into a big fight over it. So that's when we decided to go in the kitchen and make cookies and pig out, and I tried to forget all about the movie.
But now I'm thinking about it again. And I think maybe I will watch it once more, by myself this time. But first I need to do some letters for next week's column.
Dear Jamie,
Dur dog just died. He was seventeen years old, and I'd been around him my whole life. And now he's just gone. What I want to know is, do you think dogs go to heaven? Do you think it's possible that G? see him again?
Missing My Mutt Dear MMM,
Okay; I'm no expert on this, but I'm wondering why God would create something as cool as a dog allow him to be your friend and part of your family and then-poof-thafs it, he's gone? I think a loving God Would have a place for animals in heaven. Because frankly I don't think it would really be heaven without them. I hope I'm not wrong. In the meantime, I guess you can be thankful that you got to enjoy your dog for all those years.
Just Jamie
I almost added “because I had a dog once, and he got hit by a car when he was only three years old, and I still miss him sometimes/’ But that would be a giveaway since Nat knows all about Rumple (short for Rumplestiltskin), so I realized I better not mention it.
Nine
Tuesday, January 31
Man, I can't believe it's almost February, and I haven't written in my diary for almost two weeks. Not that there's been much to write about. Mostly the same old same old. School, homework, church stuff, my column, and Matthew. Nat is absolutely certain that I'm seeing too much of Matthew. But I think it's only because she's jealous. I think she's wishing she had a boyfriend too. So much so that I think she's finally going to give up on Cesar. Not that her efforts were accomplishing much.
“I'm praying that God will give me a Christian boyfriend before Valentine's Day,” she announced after school today. Okay, I couldn't help myself—I had to laugh. And naturally, that just irritated her.
“Sorry,” I said when her eyes narrowed, like I was about to get another lecture on why I should not be goihg out with Matthew the non-Christian. “Uh, do you have anyone in mind, specifically?” I said quickly, pretending to take her seriously, even though I think it's slightly ridiculous to pray to God for a boyfriend. I mean, God must have more important things to do.
“Well, there's that new guy from Minneapolis,” she said thoughtfully. “The one Cesar introduced us to at lunch.”
“Garth?”
“Yeah. Garth Edmonds.”
“He seemed nice.” Actually I was thinking he didn't really seem like Nat's type—not that I know what that is. But Garth was pretty reserved and quiet. Of course, he's still new here, and it must be tough.
“I was just about to invite him to my church,” she said as I turned down our street.
“But Cesar beat you to the punch.”
“Yeah. That Cesar—always messing me up.”
I laughed. “I'm sure he didn't mean to. Besides, you can still invite Garth to your church, Nat.”
“Yeah, but after he goes to yours…well, you know. He'll probably like Faith Fellowship better.”
“You could go there too,” I said, not for the first time. “I don't mean all the time, Nat. I know your mom likes for you guys to go together and stuff. But you could come to youth group, you know.”
“Yeah. I've been thinking about it since the snow trip.”
“So, any other prospects?” I asked as I pulled in front of her house.
“You mean for a boyfriend?”
“Isn't that what we were talking about?”
Now she turned to me and got a slightly mysterious look on her face. “Actually, I do have someone else in mind. I heard that he's not going with anyone right now. And I know he's a Christian.”
“Do I know him?”
“Uh-huh.”
“And he goes to our school?”
She nodded, and I tried to go over the available Christian guys who might interest Nat, but I was coming up blank. It couldn't be Jake, although he flirts with her enough. “I give,” I finally said.
“Benjamin O'Conner,” she proclaimed proudly
I frowned. “But I thought he was going with Torrey Barnes.”
“I heard they broke up.”
“Since when?” Now I was thinking I'd seen that couple together last week. And I'm certain that Torrey was at youth group with him last Saturday night (when I actually talked Matthew into coming). But I knew better than to mention this. I could tell by Nat's expression that she was feeling hopeful.
“Since today.”
“Today?” I studied my friend carefully, thinking, don't you want to at least wait until the body gets cold? But thankfully, I don't say this.
“Yeah. I heard it from Cortney Stein in the bathroom.”
“Well, Cortney and Torrey are pretty good friends,” I admitted. “I guess it could be true.”
“Of course, it's true.”
“So…”
“So, we'll just see what happens.” Natalie opened the car door with a big grin. “After all, I AM praying.”
I nodded and forced what I hoped was an encouraging smile. “Keep me posted.”
She laughed. “Count on it.”
Natalie and Benjamin, I'm thinking as I sit at my computer to respond to a couple of letters for this week's column. I guess there have been stranger couples. Okay, now I'm wondering, why don't I think this will work?
I mean, Natalie is a great person; she's kind and caring and a strong Christian. And really, so is Benjamin. And Natalie is a pr
etty good student, nothing outstanding, but consistent. And well, so is Benjamin. And Nat is really good looking (at least I think she is, although she can get down on herself at times). And Benjamin is very good looking too. In fact, they're both tall and have similar coloring with the blue-eyed blonde thing going on. So maybe they'd even make a good couple. Who knows?
Okay, I guess the truth of the matter is that Benjamin is kind of a jock. Oh, he's a nice enough jock and not the least bit stuck-up. But he's really pretty thick with the— how do I put this?—“popular” crowd.
Not that Nat and I are so unpopular, really, but we're just sort of outsiders when it comes to a certain group. A certain group that Benjamin is totafly comfortable in. And while Benjamin never puts others down (not that I've seen anyway), he does continue to be part of the crowd that kind of runs everything at school. Some of them are Christians (like his ex-girlfriend Torrey), and some like Courtney are not. But this doesn't seem to bother Benjamin, and the truth is, that's something I admire about him. It's like he's not afraid to mix it up.
Enough obsessing over Natalie's life. I open some new letters for the column and finally settle on two letters that seem to pertain to my thoughts about Natalie.
Dear Jamie,
My best friend (make that ex-best friend) has kind of ditched me for a new set of friends. We'd been best friends since about fifth grade, and we promised that we'd always be friends. But then she started hanging with these popular kids, and the next thing I know she's acting as if she doesn't even know me. It hurts so bad to be treated like this that I'd like to just tell her off BIG-time. But at the same time, I still want to be her friend too. I want things to be like they used to be and I'm really lonely now. What should I do?
All Alone
Dear All Alone,
It's got to hurt a lot to lose a good friend like that But if you guys have been friends for as long as you say there might be a chance that you can be friends again someday But you might need to be patient in the meantime. If I were you, I wouldn't pressure my old friend (or tell her off) because this might make her want to have nothing to do with you forever. But I would try to make some new friends (or at least one), and I would try to move on with my life. And who knows, your old friend might eventually get tired of her new friends and come back looking for you. Hang in there.
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