Meant to Be

by Melody Carlson

  And I can tell that he feels something is missing in his life, whether or not he can admit it himself. I really believe that you can't rush these things anyway. I mean, there was no way I could've come to God any sooner than I did. So why would I expect more of Matthew? I think patience is the key here.

  On another note, I've decided that it's time for me to start doing my own laundry. I plan to bring it up to Mom tomorrow. I need to do it in such a way that I don't offend her. Or maybe she'll just be relieved. Okay, I know it's a pretty small step for most people, but I don't even know how to turn on the washing machine. I wonder if it has a manual or something I can read first.

  Saturday, February 11

  Note to self: When it comes to doing laundry, less is more.

  Now for my laundry rules:

  1) Do not overload the machine.

  2) Do not put in “extra” soap.

  3) If you fail to follow instructions one and two, make sure you have a mop and bucket handy.

  4) Do not let Mom know what a mess you made. Well, at least the laundry room was squeaky clean by the time I got finished—more than six hours after I started! Hopefully next time will go a little smoother.

  Tuesday, February 14

  I gave Matthew a Valentine's Day card and chocolate heart today. He gave me a red rose. Very romantic. I can't believe how fun it was having a boyfriend on this silly holiday. And I wasn't the only one.

  “Ben got me a Valentine,” Natalie told me when I ran into her on my way to art.

  “That's cool,” I said. “So did Matthew.”

  She kind of frowned then, and I knew it was her disapproving scowl for the fact that I'm hooking up with a heathen. What could I say?

  “I hope you're being careful, Kim.”

  “What does that mean, Nat?” I looked up at her, realizing how her height combined with her disapproval can be a little overwhelming sometimes. But then I should be used to her, right? “Like am I looking both ways before I cross the street? Flossing regularly? What is it you're trying to say?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  I shrugged and tried to look dumb. “Not exactly, Nat. I mean, I am by nature a pretty careful person.” Then I glanced at my watch. “I gotta go or I'll be late.”

  But I was feeling pretty steamed as I went to art. What right does she have to judge me? Who died and made her God anyway? Sometimes I feel like I'm living out a scene from that movie she got so upset over. But then I remind myself that I really do love Natalie, warts and all.

  Besides, I know that God expects us to forgive others—seventy times seven, which I've heard is supposed to represent eternity. So there you have it. Nat offends me, and I forgive her again and again and again. I guess that's the reason I picked this particular letter to answer today.

  Dear Jamie,

  ?? SG (verb replaced) ticked at my so-called best friend that all I can think of is getting even. I trusted her and she totally betrayed me. I told her a secret, something really embarrassing, something I've never told anyone, and she went around blabbing this to the entire school. ?? so humiliated I could die. I want to change schools, but my parents won't let me. I've even pretended to be sick. Sometimes I imagine killing this girl. I don't think I really would, but I wish I could hire someone. She has called and e-mailed me a bunch of times, and she claims she only told one person and that was “by accident.” But I don't believe her. She says she's sorry, but I don't care. I wish she were dead.

  Backstabbed and Angry

  Dear Backstabbed,

  You have a right to be angry. But after a while, you may want to consider whether or not your anger is helping anything. It's possible that your anger is just making you feel worse. ?? thinking that if you had a secret that private and humiliating, it could mean you really need to talk to a professional (like a school counselor or pastor). Some secrets aren't good to keep inside. But beyond that, you need to talk to your friend. You need to tell her how you feel betrayed and how you can't trust her. You also need to listen to her side of the story, it's possible that you guys will never be friends again. But it's also possible that she's really, really sorryand that you might be able to forgive her and start over. Whether or not you choose to be friends, you should try to forgive her and move on. Because if you don't forgive her, and if you remain angry you will eventually end up hurting yourself way more than you can ever hurt her.

  Just Jamie

  Eleven

  Monday, February 27

  Whoo-hoo! I just had the best weekend ever! On Saturday (which just happened to be my seventeenth birthday), Matthew and I went snowboarding together, and it was totally awesome. We had to get up really early, and I drove my Jeep since its better on snow than Matthews old pickup. And when we got up there, the sun was shining and the snow was perfect and we had the greatest time riding all day. I packed us a lunch and a thermos of hot cocoa (to save money and time so we didn't have to wait in the cafeteria line to eat), and as a result we spent every minute possible on the slopes.

  Then after the last ride, we loaded up our stuff and headed to the nearby town and ate at this old-fashioned burger joint (Matthews treat). All in all, it was a very cool birthday, and I'd have to say its the best date I've ever had in my life.

  However, as my dad would say, there was a fly in the ointment (which means that while everything was generally great, one little thing went wrong), and now that I'm home, I'm thinking it was a rather big and nasty fly at that. Here's what happened. We'd just finished our picnic lunch, and I went to use the restroom when I ran into someone from school.

  “Rm Peterson!” a slightly familiar voice said as I washed my hands at the sink.

  I looked into the mirror to see that Torrey Barnes was standing at the sink right next to me. ‘Torrey,” I said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

  She laughed. “Probably the same thing as you.” Then she looked down at my snowboard boots. “Well, actually I'm a skier, not a boarder. Although I've been thinking about trying it out.”

  “You should,” I told her as I dried my hands. “I gave up skling for boarding after just one day.”

  She nodded as she applied some lip gloss. “Yeah, I hear it's pretty fun, but my parents are die-hard skiers, and they keep discouraging me from going over to the other side.”

  “Hey, I've missed you at youth group lately.” I fished around in my pocket for my tube of Chapstick.

  She sighed loudly. “Yeah, I've kind of missed going to youth group too. But I sort of needed some space, you know what I mean?”

  I nodded, thinking about her breakup with Ben. “I guess it's probably hard at first.”

  Then she looked at me more closely. “You're really good friends with Natalie McCabe, aren't you?”

  “Yeah…” Now I considered adding, “I used to be…before she started dating your ex,” but fortunately I had the good sense not to say this. But it is true that I've seen a lot less of Nat since she started going out with Ben.

  “I was just thinking maybe you should, uh, warn her…” Then she stopped as if she wasn't sure whether to continue or not.

  “Warn her?”

  Torrey pressed her lips together as if reconsidering.

  “Warn her about what?” I persisted.

  “Maybe I shouldn't say anything. I mean, it could be taken as gossip, although I'm not sure that it's actually gossip when someone shares firsthand knowledge.

  “What do you mean?” Okay, gossip or no gossip, I was getting pretty curious now.

  “Well, it's about Ben. He's really a pretty nice guy, and I guess I just thought that because he was a Christian, well…” Then she gets close enough to whisper in my ear, telling me that Ben isn't as good a Christian as he may appear to be. “He's just like all the other guys. But I got tired of the pressure from him.” Then she held up her hand where a small gold ring seemed prominent. “I mean, it's not like I wear this True Love Waits ring for nothing. I take my promises seriously.”

  I wasn
't sure how to respond to that, or why she was even telling me this in the first place. So I just stood there, probably looking pretty stupid, not saying anything.

  “Maybe I shouldn't have told you,” she said quickly. “But I figured if you're Natalie's friend, well, maybe you should warn her. I know she's a strong Christian too, and I just wouldn't want to see her getting hurt too.”

  Now talk about turning the tables! Here Nat has been all freaked about me and Matthew, and she's involved with a guy who's just as human as the rest of us. Although in Matthew's defense, he has NOT pressured me about sex—not even once. Okay, not yet anyway. I'm fully aware that the subject could come up and probably will come up. But I also know that I am not ready to have sex. And I have no problem telling him that.

  The question is, what do I do about Natalie now? Do I tell her what Torrey said? Or do I just let it go? Let Natalie find out for herself? I must say I'm pretty surprised that Ben's like that, especially since his sister is so totally opposite, but then I guess things like “abstinence” don't exactly run in families. And I know that just because a guy is a Christian, doesn't mean he's perfect either. Anyway, I decide to pray about this thing with Nat, and I ask God to show me what's best to do. And while I feel more peaceful about it, I'm still a little uneasy when it comes to being around Nat.

  For the first time since she started dating Ben, I was actually feeling somewhat glad that it's driven a slight wedge between us. I mean, as it is I hardly even see her anymore. And when we talk at school, its usually pretty brief and shallow. And I can tell by the look in her eyes that she feels kind of guilty for the way she's been treating me—and she should! But today I was pretty much relieved that our conversation was so superficial.

  “Did you have a good weekend?” she asked when I saw her by her locker.

  I told her about snowboarding with Matthew, and her expression suggested she still questioned this relationship.

  “How was your weekend?” I asked before she had a chance to remind me of the dangers of dating a non-Christian.

  She smiled. “It was fantastic. Ben and I went to dinner and a movie on Saturday, and he actually came to my church with me and my family yesterday.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, he said he wanted to see what a megachurch was like.”

  “Did he like it?”

  She frowned. “Not really. But at least he understands what I go through now.”

  “I thought you liked your church, Nat.”

  “I like some things about it, but its got its drawbacks and I know its not perfect.”

  “Do you think any church is?”

  “Maybe…”

  “Well, I gotta go,” I told her since the second bell was about to ring.

  “Take care,” she called, but I knew what she meant was “be careful.” The ironic thing was that's exactly what I wanted to tell her. But how?

  So tonight as I'm picking letters for my column, I decide to tackle a couple of the sex ones. The truth is, I usually try to avoid these. But now I'm thinking that maybe I can reach Natalie through Just Jamie. We'll see…

  Dear Jamie,

  I'm sixteen and have been sexually active far almost a year now. I'm pretty careful, but the possibility of getting pregnant totally freaks me, and I really want to start using some kind of reliable birth control before that happens. But I know if I go to the doctor my parents will find out and go ballistic. I've considered going to one of those free clinics downtown, but they look so sleazy and I'd hate to be seen there by someone. Any suggestions?

  Anon

  Okay, I'm wondering, does anyone pay attention in health class? I mean, it's not cool to appear too interested in some of the gross stuff that is taught, but I happen to believe that knowledge is power, and just knowing some of the consequences of casual sex motivates me to make some very careful choices. Not that I'm even considering anything. But if I were…

  Dear Anon,

  Well since ?°? asked…my first question for you is, what does “sexually active” mean? To me it suggests that you've had sex with more than just one partner. That in itself is a major concern-especially since there is an epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases out there, and the more people you have sex with, the greater the chances you may have contracted one. While getting pregnant should concern you, you should be even more concerned about your health, since some STDs can stay with you for the rest of your life. So whether you go to your family doctor or a free clinic is up to you. I just encourage you to get there soon. And then you may want to reconsider your sex life altogether.

  Just Jamie

  Dear Jamie,

  I've been going with the same guy since last summer. And ?? pretty sure that he's the ONE. I mean, I really love him, and I think he really loves me. But when I was twelve, I made a pledge to save myself for my husband and marriage, and I always thought that I'd stick to it. But now it's five years later, and ?? rethinking the whole thing. Is there anything wrong with having sex with someone you really love and plan to spend the rest of your life with?

  Floundering Dear Floundering,

  You sound like a sensitive and thoughtful girl who's gotten a little confused lately Here are my questions for you: 1) You say that you're “pretty sure he's the ONE,” but are you absolutely positive? 2) You made a promise that was important to you, but now you're ready to toss it aside? 3) You say that you “think” he really loves you, but are you totally sure?

  This is the deal: It sounds like you must be about seventeen, and in my opinion (and since you asked), that is way too young to make a lifetime commitment I guess you need to ask yourself how you would feel if you broke your pledge, had sex with your boyfriend, and then he dumped you? Because, whether you want to hear this or not, statistics prove that's exactly what will happen. If you really care about yourself and your feelings and future, you should honor your promise and wait I really don't think you'll be sorry-not in the long run.

  lust lamie

  Twelve

  Saturday, March 11

  I think Nat and I are having some kind of standoff. And it's probably mostly my fault, but I'm so tired of her putting down Matthew and acting like Ben is such a saint. Worse than that, she's more and more obsessed with fitting in with Ben's friends lately. And it's like I don't even know her anymore.

  “Is something wrong between you and Natalie?” my mom asked me today. She wasn't feeling too well this morning, so I took her in a tray with breakfast—well, just toast and one of her weird juice concoctions and some green tea, but she appreciated it.

  I played with the edge of her comforter as I sat on the bed, wondering how to best answer her. “Sort of.

  “Seems like she hasn't been around in weeks.” Mom sipped her tea then looked at me. “Did you two have a fight?”

  “Not exactly! More like a disagreement. And now we're not really talking much.”

  “Want to tell me about it?”

  I considered this. On one hand I don't like to leave Mom out, but on the other hand I don't like to worry her either. Dad's been kind of protective of her lately, and I'm not really sure how much she can take these days. Not that we ever discuss it much—its kind of like we're still just tiptoeing around and pretending that nothing's wrong. Most of the time I actually believe it too, but looking at her, still in her pink flannel nightgown and her pale face, I wasn't so sure.

  “It has to do with boyfriends,” I ventured.

  Mom smiled. “Ah-hah.”

  So I went ahead and told her about the way Natalie constantly disapproves of Matthew and how I'm completely fed up with it. “It's not that her boyfriend is so great. I mean, I've heard some things about him that are a little questionable, if you ask me.”

  Her brows lifted slightly “Did you tell Natalie these, uh, things?”

  “No.” Then I studied her expression. “Do you think I should?”

  She sighed. “No, not necessarily. You already know how it feels to have someone coming down on your boy
friend. And has Natalie's disapproval changed how you feel about Matthew?”

  I shook my head. “Not really If anything it probably makes me more defensive of him. He really is a nice guy, Mom.”

  She nodded. “And Natalie might feel the same way about her guy too.”

  I had to smile. “Thanks, Mom.”

  “For what?”

  “For being so wise.”

  She smiled. “Maybe we do get smarter with age.”

  “You're not that old, Mom.”

  “I feel old today, Kim.”

  I didn't know what to say to that.

  Then she smiled again. “But this breakfast is just what I needed, sweetheart. And I think it's going to be a sunny day today. I'd like to plant some annuals.”

  “Need any help?”

  “That'd be lovely.”

  So I spent a couple of hours helping Mom to plant petunias and pansies and marigolds this afternoon. Mostly she directed me from where she was sifting in a sunny spot on the porch. But I didn't’ mind doing the actual work, and to my surprise it didn't look half bad by the time I was done.

  I was just packing some soil around the last petunia when I heard my mom calling out “hello” to someone. I looked up in time to see Natalie climbing out of their old Toyota pickup with some bags in her hands. Judging by the colors and logos, I could see they probably contained clothing. Naturally, this aroused my curiosity since Nat is normally pretty tight with money. Although now that I think of it, I have noticed that her wardrobes been improving since she started dating Ben.

  “Hey,” Nat called back. “Hows it going?”

  “Good,” my mom returned. “Isn't it a beautiful day?”

  To my surprise Natalie started walking toward us; I expect this was on account of my mom. In fact, I wasn't even sure that Nat had spotted me from where I was still hunched over on the far side of the porch as I spread the last of the mulch around my recently planted blooms. I stood up and brushed my dirty hands on my overalls and said, “Hey, Nat.”