“Oh, Kim,” she said. “I didn't even see you. What's.
“I'm playing gardener today.” I came out of the flower bed and over to the porch steps. “Looks like you've been doing some shopping.”
She seemed kind of embarrassed by this. “Just a few spring things I picked up at Nordies.”
Now I almost questioned this—I mean, Nat's the one who always says Nordstrom's way too expensive—but I kept my mouth shut. However, I'm sure she was reading my mind.
“They were on sale,” she said quickly as if to explain.
I nodded and went over to stand next to where Mom was sitting in the wicker rocker.
“How are you feeling, Mrs. Peterson?”
“Wonderful, Natalie.” Mom took in a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “With the sunshine and the flowers planted…well, its been a perfectly lovely day.”
“Are you tired?” I asked suddenly, realizing that she usually has an afternoon nap and it was already nearly four.
She slowly stood up. “Yes, I think G? go catch a little rest before your dad gets back. You girls go ahead and chat without me.”
Okay, I knew what she was getting at, but there was no way I was going to force Natalie to stick around and “chat.” We both watched silently as my mom slowly went into the house.
“Everything okay with you guys?” Nat finally said after the door shut behind my mom.
I turned and looked at her, fighting to cover the exasperation that was building inside of me. “What do you mean by okay?”
“I mean, how's your mom doing, Kim. You know I'm still praying for her. I'm still believing for a miracle.”
I studied Nat now. Just then everything about her seemed entirely different to me—like I didn't even know her anymore. And yet she seemed slightly familiar too. “Thanks,” I told her. “We appreciate it.”
“She looks pretty good,” Nat continued in her normal upbeat and positive way. “Like she's getting better.”
“She doesn't have a lot of energy,” I said, ever the realist.
“But she does seem to be in good spirits,” Nat continued. “I guess some healings just take time. We have to be patient and keep praying and believing.”
I just shrugged and looked away.
“Are you still trusting God with this, Kim?”
I looked back at her. Who was she to question my faith? After all, this was my mother we were discussing here. But I didn't say anything.
“You've got to trust Him completely, Kim. You've got to believe that God is healing her. It will strengthen your prayers.”
I just sighed and sat in the rocker, “Yeah, whatever.”
Natalie looked concerned now. “You're not falling away from God, are you, Kim? I mean, that can happen when you spend too much time with nonbeßevers, and I know how Matthew is a pretty big influence in your life. I still pray for you guys and that he'll get saved.”
I felt like I was a teakettle, and the heat beneath me kept getting hotter and hotter, and I was seriously worried that I was going to blow. But I kept my lips sealed tightly. Maybe it's my Asian genes, who knows, but I guess I have pretty good self-control. Well, most of the time anyway. Still, it was all I could do not to explode all over her.
“Are you mad at me, Kim?”
Of course, Nat's known me long enough to realize that not only was I mad, but I was suppressing something as well. Even so I was determined not to give her the satisfaction of seeing me lose my cool. That would probably just help convince her that she was right, that I had fallen away from God's grace and that it was all due to my sinful relationship with the heathen Matthew. No way was I going there.
Tm not mad at you, Nat,” I said rather coolly. “In a way, I feel kind of sorry for you.”
She blinked. “You're sorry for me?”
“Yeah.” I stood up now, leaning against one of the posts and just evenly looking at her. “I mean, you've been out shopping, I'm sure to impress your new friends, but I know you can't afford it. And Nordstroms? You used to hate that store. What's up with that?”
“For your information, my dad finally sent me some money.”
“Really?” Of course, I wanted to ask why she's wasting it on stupid clothes that probably cost way too much and will be out of style by next week anyway. Especially when she should be saving it for college or something more important, like helping out on her mom's credit card bills, which last I heard were really bringing her down. But I simply said, “That was nice of him.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“So how are things with you and Ben?” I asked, actually feeling curious about how their relationship was going.
She shrugged. “Okay.”
“Just okay?”
She looked away, and I could tell she was feeling a little uncomfortable like she did not want to have this conversation.
“Sorry,” I said quickly, hiding my pleasure at hitting a nerve. “It's none of my business.”
“How are things with you and Matthew?” she said.
“Great,” I told her with a big smile. “Things couldn't be better.”
She seemed to study me then, as if not entirely convinced that everything really was great between Matthew and me. “Well, good for you. But just the same, Kim, you better be careful.”
I felt my teeth grinding together as she said those all-too-familiar words. And despite my resolve to just chill and not get all riled, I couldn't stop myself. “You better be careful too, Nat.” And the tone of my voice was not very loving or kind and certainly not a bit Christlike. But it was too late. It was out there.
Her eyes narrowed slightly. “What do you mean by that?”
Now I realized I could stop, but it's like there was this mean streak running through me, or maybe the devil made me do it. But I kept on going. “I mean, from what I've heard, you'd better be careful too. Just because a guy is a Christian doesn't mean that he's perfect.”
“Who have you been talking to?”
I didn't answer her, but I could tell by her expression that I'd really hit a touchy spot. I just folded my arms across my front and watched her, and she was almost squirming. Okay, that might've been my evil imagination.
“Come on, Kim. What have you heard?”
“You know if we were still friends, and if we had the kind of trust that we used to have, I might be able to tell you. As it is, I'm sorry I even opened my mouth right now.” Okay, guilt kicked in and I softened up a little. And I could tell by her eyes that she was seriously troubled. “And the truth is,” I said with sincerity, “I still care about you, and I really wouldn't want to see you getting hurt. So seriously, why don't you take your own advice for a change, okay? You be careful too.”
Well, she was pretty speechless after that. And I was feeling a little sorry that I'd opened my big fat mouth. So much for that Asian self-control gene. Anyway, we both said an awkward good-bye, and she headed back over to her house. The way she walked reminded me of a kicked dog, and I knew that I was the one who'd done the kicking. And even though I should be feeling like slug slime, I was feeling just a little bit smug. like one point for Kim. How pathetic is that?
Okay, I do still care about her, and I do wish we were still friends. Just the same, I have to admit that I got some satisfaction out of hurting her just now. And I know that was totally wrong, and that I'm a pretty poor excuse for a Christian, and I'm sure God wasn't too pleased with me today. But I'm not exactly sure what I should do to remedy this. Besides confessing my sins to God, which I've already done. I suppose I'll need to do something with Nat too. But I try to forget about this as I answer some letters for the column. It just figures that one of the ones I pick out is about friendship.
Dear Jamie,
My best friend has really changed this year. We used to hav6 fun together, but now all she thinks about is losing weight. She counts every single calorie and exercises all the time. And now she's starting to get on me about my weight too. And even though I could probably stand to lose a few p
ounds, ?? not exactly obese, if you know what I mean, I don't really appreciate her comments. But what really gets me is that she's already really really skinny, and yet she keeps saying she's “so disgustingly fat.” It just makes me want to scream. At the same time, I really do love her and I want to be her friend, but she's making me totally crazy with her obsession over weight. What should I do?
Worried
Dear Worried,
You have good reason to be worried. It sounds like your friend might be anorexic or at the very least toying with the idea. Have you asked her about this specifically? Of course, most anorexics won't admit their secret to even their closest friends. But if your friend is underweight and still focused on caloric intake and overexercising, she's probably struggling with it. Anorexia is like any other addiction-it's impossible to quit without admitting you have a problem then getting some help. Encourage your friend to talk openly with you and then to get help. If she refuses, consider talkingto her parents. Often parents are the last ones to know. But I hope you can continue being her friend, because it sounds as if she really needs you. Good luck.
Just Jamie
Thirteen
Friday, March 17
Dad surprised us earlier this week by announcing that he was taking some vacation time next week (which is also spring break for me). “And I've booked a cruise,” he announced, as if that should be the happiest news ever. “I found a great deal online, made a fairly low offer, and it was accepted. We're going!”
“You and mom?” I asked hopefully since I really wanted to stick around and do some things with Matthew next week. We'd already made some tentative plans.
“For all three of us,” he said cheerfully.
“Of course,” said Mom, “we couldn't leave you home alone, sweetheart.”
“Oh, but you could,” I began, then seeing the disappointment in her eyes, I instantly reneged. “What kind of cruise?” I said quickly, as if I was really interested. It turns out it is a Caribbean cruise and something that Mom has always wanted to do. Of course, this is news to me. Still, I have no reason to doubt Dad.
“You could invite a friend, Kim. It doesn't cost much more for another person,” said Dad. “Wouldn't Natalie love to come along?”
Well, under normal circumstances, I'm sure that she would. But understandably, Dad's a little out of touch when it comes to me and my friends lately. Not that I have so many friends beyond Nat. And I doubt that they'd want me to invite Matthew, although I did consider this possibility for a few very brief seconds. “I think Nat's busy next week,” I finally said to Dad. But Mom seemed to see right through me as she put her hand on my shoulder in what I'm sure she thought was a comforting gesture.
“Well, it'll just be the three of us then,” said Dad. “But don't worry, Kim, we'll make a good time of it.”
Okay, I know this whole spur-of-the-moment vacation thing has to do with Mom's illness. I know that Dad is thinking our time with her is limited and that she's not going to get better. And I have to admit that she doesn't really seem to be improving much. I mean, she has good days and bad days…but she usually seems worse after visiting the doctor.
Still, she drinks her veggie drinks and green tea and several other strange-looking herbal remedies she picks up at the health food store on a weekly basis. So who knows? And despite what Natalie thinks about my faith or lack of it, I am still praying for a miracle, and I don't even mind if it's an eleventh-hour miracle. I do believe that God can make hei well—in His timing.
Matthew was disappointed when he heard that I would be gone a whole week, but he was encouraging too. “Of course you gotta go, Kim. This is a once-in-a-lifetime deal. Just go and have fun and come back with a great tan.”
So Mom and I did a little vacation shopping on Thursday night, but she wore out early, and we decided we might just buy some “summer” clothes during our trip anyway. Then Matthew and I went out tonight, and now it's time to pack and finish up a couple letters to run in my column while we're gone.
Dear Jamie,
My parents keep insisting that I go to college right after I graduate from high school next year. The thing is, I don't have any idea what I'd like to do with my life. I keep asking them if I could just put college off for a year, maybe work and travel and stuff-you know, until I really know what I want to do. But they are throwing fits. They say if I don't go to college following graduation that I never will. I don't agree. So we decided I should write to you (since they think you're very mature for a teenager) and see what you say. Help.
Undecided Dear Undecided,
Tell your parents “thanks” for the compliment but that I side with you on this question. Seriously why waste money on college if your heart and your head aren't into it? Working and traveling are a form of education too. I think you're right/ a year off might really help to ground you and make you see what you'd like to do with your life so that you appreciate a college education and make the most of it.
Just Jamie
Dear Jamie,
I love watching makeover shows like “The Swan/’ and my greatest dream is to be on a show like this myself. My mom keeps telling me I should be happy with my looks, but I think I could look so much better with a little work. What's your opinion on plastic surgery, and how old do you think a person should be before they go under the knife?
Ugly Duckling
Dear Duckling,
I refuse to call you “ugly” since f've never met you, and I seriously doubt that you are ugly. Afld while I think an occasional makeover show can be entertaining, they also have very little to do with reality, f'd like to see a show that follows up with people after their exterior appearance is so transformed that their own family hardly recognizes them, f'm sure they must stillhave some challenges to face. And what if they get so obsessed with theti looks that the rest of their life goes down the toilet and everyone starts to hate them for being so vain and superficial? 1 think we all need to learn to like ourselves-just the way we are. And if there are moderate ways to improve our looks and if we're doing it for the right reasons (not to impress our friends!), then maybe it's just fine. Beauty is very subjective-meaning that it all depends on your personal taste. I think that's why God made us all different So instead of turning ourselves into cookie-cutter images of the latest fashion icon, why not take a moment to enjoy our differences?
Just Jamie
Its funny how reassured I felt after answering that letter. Because despite my “mature” sounding response, I've been known to worry about my looks too. I've had lots of times when I wished I were taller, thinner, and less Asian. But I'm thankful I never tried to change anything.
My self-esteem has improved a lot by being with Matthew. For one thing, he totally loves that I'm Korean. He says I'm exotic and beautiful, and I think he really means it. He also likes that I'm petite, and he even picks me up and carries me around just to make the point, which is a mix between embarrassing and fun. Okay, I don't honestly see “exotic” and “beautiful” when I look in the mirror, but I do see myself in a more positive light.
That is, unless I'm trying on swimsuits like I did last night. That was pretty torturous. But if I squinted just right and imagined a little tan…well, it might be okay. Besides, who's going to be around to see me during the cruise anyway? Well, other than my parents and a bunch of old people. So why worry?
Sunday, March 26
The cruise was actually pretty fun. To my surprise there were a number of teens cruising with their parents too, and I actually made a couple of friends to hang with. One girl, Audrey, was an adoptee from Korea, and we found we had quite a bit in common. We even exchanged e-mail addresses and plan to stay in touch. She's really been spending a lot of time searching for her birth mom lately I told her that I'd kind of “been there and done that” but that I still get curious sometimes.
I didn't mention to Audrey that my mom has cancer and that her precarious health might have something to do with my general lack of interest in findi
ng my birth mom these days. Somehow I just didn't want to go there. I didn't want Audrey to feel sorry for me or uncomfortable about how to act. And selfishly, I suppose I just wanted to be carefree and have fun.
As usual, Dad and I tried to wear our sunny faces, pretending that all is well with our little family. But Mom was moving pretty slowly. And she spent a fair amount of time just resting on the deck in her favorite lounge chair and a fat novel, which I have a feeling she didn't actually read. Whenever we questioned this or whether she wanted to go on shore and do something, she always replied that looking at the ocean and soaking up the sun with a good book was “perfectly heavenly.” Then she'd encourage us to go off and take some excursion. “Then you can tell me all about it during dinnertime.” And so we would.
I suspect that she spent some time napping while we were gone, but she was always dressed for dinner and wearing a smile by the time we got back. In fact, I actually started to think that everything was just fine and that she wasn't sick at all. But she seemed pretty worn out by the time we got off our last flight today. She slept all the way home from the airport. But she told us both that she'd had a fantastic time and that the cruise was all she'd hoped for and more. So I guess Dad was right to book it after all.
Just the same, I'm so glad to be home. If we hadn't gotten in so late, I probably would've done something with Matthew tonight. But we talked on the phone, and he assured me that he desperately missed me. So I guess all is well. I have to admit to some insecurities while I was away, imagining that he'd meet some wonderful girl who would steal his heart away during my week's absence. Just call me paranoid and insecure. Although all I have to do is read the Just Jamie mail to be reminded that things like that really do happen.
Dear Jamie,
How long does it take to heal from a broken heart? Or does the pain ever go away? It's been two weeks since my boyfriend of almost one whole year broke up with me, and I am still totally devastated. I so did not see this coming. I thought things were just great between us. So great that, after eight months of refusing him, I finally gave in and surrendered my virginity. I really thought we'd be together forever, and I can't believe that he broke up with me or that he already has a new girlfriend. Sometimes I get up in the morning and just wish I were dead. When will this pain go away?
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