“I’m not sleeping with Finn,” Harper sneers, rushing down the stairs. “Mom, you took me away from my house, my friends, and Daddy. Then you brought me into a place where I can’t have my own room. Why are you doing this to me?”
Placing a hand on my mouth, I count to ten before I raise my voice. Lately, her attitude and bratty tone are wearing me down. The sassy girl she once was crossed the thin line and has become a brat. I barely recognize her and I fear that if I don’t find a way to change that attitude, I might lose her inside this new person she’s creating.
“Harper, this is hard for the three of us,” I use the gentlest tone I can find inside my raging body. “But we have to find a new way to exist. There’s nothing left in Colorado for us and before you mention Daddy.” I gently touch the left side of her chest. “He’s inside you, baby, wherever you go he’ll follow. No matter if we’re on the moon or travel to Pluto, he’s right with you. This is what he wanted, for us to find a new happy place.”
“This isn’t a happy place.” She stomps her foot. “Everything is gone, you threw away Daddy’s stuff, and he’s never going to come back again.” Harper’s eyes fill with tears. She crumbles to the floor, as she begins to cry. “I miss my dad, I want him. You’re not the same since he left. You don’t love me anymore.”
A hand squeezes my heart tightly, my lungs can’t take in any air, but I drop next to her and I hold her. Cradling her back and forth, murmuring, “I love you, Harp. I love you so much. We’re going to get through this mess, I promise.” As I hold my baby while she cries in my arms, I’m reminded that for the past months—years—I’ve abandoned my duties as a mother. They lost both parents in one day. Shit. I’ve been fucking up really badly. “Mom’s going to take care of you, baby. Maybe for a few months you’ll share a room with Finn, but it’s just for a little while. This isn’t permanent. The sadness, the pain, the tiny house . . . we’re going to find a new way to be a family. I’ll find my way back to normal—my new normal. And then, we’ll conquer each one of the emotions that we’ve let overtake our lives, one step at a time. I’ll do it for you, I promise, baby.”
Finn sits right next to me, leaning his small head on my arm. I reach out for him and set him on my lap, next to Harper. He presses his lips together while watching his sister cry. After shaking his head, he rests his head on my chest just like Harper. Fuck, what did I do for the past two years? Nothing, that’s the answer I come up with. I barely breathed, I hardly functioned, and I abandoned my precious babies.
As the main door screeches open, I lift my gaze. Porter enters the room. He stares at us, then his gaze connects with mine for a few breaths. For a second I see the hard shell around him cracking and, as it happens, he moves his attention away from me.
“Sorry to barge in, but I forgot to take some of my shit,” he mutters.
“Stuff, things, could you try not to use that other word around my children?” I correct him and regret my tone, clearing my voice. “You know, cussing, I’d really appreciate if you can keep everything PG, please.”
He nods, then heads upstairs, rushing back within minutes holding two guitar cases and a frame.
“Are you a musician?” I ask him. His jaw tightens and he slams the door behind him without an answer.
Touchy.
I lean against the wall watching AJ play the piano. The melody she plays is different from anything I’ve heard before—a new composition? It’s soft and peaceful. What I’d give to play the way she does. Her long fingers travel from one side of the keyboard to the other. So far, this is my favorite time of the day, when I get to listen to her play. It’s been a few weeks since I arrived at this house. The adults are nice to me, but they are pushing me to start doing some schoolwork and to help them with some of the household chores, too. The chores don’t bother me, but the school work . . . I can’t do any of it. Everything is too hard to understand and if they learn that I’m stupid, they’re going to kick me out of here.
If only they were as understanding as AJ, everything would be okay. She explains what I don’t understand and makes sure that I’m not left behind. One day I’ll do the same for her; take care of her. That’s why I have to learn to play all the instruments that they have in this house, because I’m going to be a musician, like her father Chris. I’ll play in big places and make a lot of money.
“Porter.” AJ stops playing and turns slightly to watch me from her seat. “I didn’t know you were here. Why don’t you bring your guitar? Maybe the two of us can play something fun.”
I nod at her and she flashes that smile that I like so much. Rushing to the room where I’m staying, I grab my guitar and head back to the piano room.
Unfortunately, I’m intercepted by Gabe who gives me a stern look. “Porter, have you finished your assignments for the day?”
I shrug at him, because I refuse to tell him that I can’t read.
“Porter?” AJ calls out as she approaches us. “What’s taking you so long?” Then her attention moves to her father. “Hi, Daddy. We’re going to be in the music room.”
Gabe frowns, leaning his head closer to me. “When you’re done with her, go back to your room and finish your school work. It’s important. I understand that you have to adjust,” he says, lowering his voice. “It’s a process for everyone, but you have to be willing to become part of the family. Work with us, Porter, I have faith in you.”
AJ’s smile makes me want to do it, become part of the family, work hard, adjust. No one has ever had faith in me before she did.
Since I could walk, I’ve been fascinated by nature. Plants, animals, and the weather. Curiosity, love, and passion pushed me into choosing a career that I love, instead of studying something practical. Botany fit like a crystal slipper, the future I envisioned for myself. Because at eighteen I believed that after I graduated, I’d work for some big company and help them create the ultimate crop to feed the entire world.
Instead, at twenty-two and only weeks after my graduation ceremony, I became Mrs. Leonard Brooke. Six months later, Harper Ann Brooke came into the world. Leo landed a job at one of the most prestigious global aerospace, defense, security, and advanced technology companies. To this day, I don’t know what he did within the company, only that he had a classified position and was one of the head engineer physicists in his department. He earned a generous salary, and that’s how I became a stay-at-home mom dedicating her life to her children and garden.
If only I’d have known that my life would take such an abrupt turn, I’d have . . . I let out an audible breath, because I really have no idea how going to the past will fix my present. For the past week, I’ve been applying for different jobs. There hasn’t been a call back from any of them. My half-page résumé has my qualifications, but I have zero job experience.
“Open yourself to the possibilities,” Aunt Molly said earlier during dinner. “Something will come along. Have you considered changing careers? It’s never too late to find a new passion.”
Passion?
It’s not about Passion; it’s about training. For the past seven years, I’ve mastered the art of cooking, laundry, ironing, scrubbing, reading, and whatever else my children might require. I’m passionate about it, but I don’t see myself offering my services as a childcare provider. Looking at my checking account, I ponder my next move. Without the outrageous mortgage payment, I have more time to find the right job. Not sure about finding a home. Moving out would be the smart thing to do, Harper begs for her own room every day. Daughter’s begging aside, staying is the best for the three of us, as my aunt isn’t charging me any rent. She said that her tenant is paying for that until I can find something that will let me be independent.
I sigh, thinking about the tenant. Mr. I-Hate-Talking puzzles me. He works a block from here at the convenience store next to the gas station. The high-end furniture he left in this house is classy and brand new. How could he afford it when his job only pays minimum wage? At night, I hear his music as his fingers gentl
y lick the strings of his guitar. There are no lyrics to the heart-wrenching melodies he plays, but I feel like every word must be about someone he loved and lost.
I’m curious about him and I want to study him, discover what’s behind those coffee color eyes. And that’s exactly why, instead of being tucked in bed and reading a book or watching some old movie on Netflix, I’m outside waiting for him to appear. That’s the beauty of the famous scientific method. You observe your subject, ask questions, and then research before establishing a hypothesis. I just want answers and this little research should be solved with only the first steps.
The creak of the back door startles me, but I remain sitting on the steps, waiting. “So how long are you planning to stay outside?” His rough voice cuts through the silence of the night. I shrug because I didn’t think about time and it isn’t wise to disclose my motive. “Look, I need some time to unwind before I try to sleep. Can you do me a solid and head back to your house?”
I take that as an invitation, because so far I haven’t thanked him for letting me live in his place.
“Thank you, for . . . you didn’t have to give up your house for us.” I fight the stutter. Shit. What happened to my voice? It’s his eyes; they create a strange discomfort inside me.
“How’s the job hunting going?”
“Huh?” I perk up, how does he know? “Molly told you?” He presses his lips and nods. “No one wants to hire a botanist with zero experience.” I let out a loud breath. “To think that I left Colorado searching for a new life. Escaping the memories.”
His eyes close for a few moments and as they open, he takes a seat right next to me. “Were you escaping memories or someone?” A soothing voice takes over.
“Both.” I pull my legs to my chest holding them tight. “My husband died two years ago. My high school sweetheart. The man I thought I’d spend my entire life with . . .” I squeeze my eyes tightly holding back the tears. It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about this, how we planned to spend an eternity together. From everything I’ve read, there’s not one piece of advice that has worked yet. “How do you teach your heart to beat again, your lungs to breathe and find a new way to live?”
He shakes his head. “You just do,” he responds. “With one foot in front of the other, one exhale after the last inhale. It’s hard and takes time, but you learn to be with yourself and the memories. The good ones that will drag a smile out of you during those moments when you can’t breathe. They become your oxygen, the energy that carries you to the next day.”
“You lost someone?” As I turn my neck lightly, our gazes meet. “Did you lose your first love too?”
Porter remains stoic, his eyes fixated on the moon. I wonder who he lost and how long he has been grieving for her. A girlfriend, a fiancée, his wife? Maybe she died in some terrible accident, or worse, he cared for her while she slowly died from some terminal illness.
Communication might help him open up. With that in mind, I tell him what happened to Leo. “My husband had a meeting in LoDo—that’s downtown Denver.” I look at the sky, to gather enough courage to continue. “A homicide detective arrived at my front door around four in the morning. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. Did you say goodbye to her?”
His hand fidgets with a dark guitar pick and his eyes finally leave the sight of the moon. Yet, there’s no answer. Nothing breaks the silence of the night.
“How did you lose her?”
He rises from his seat, takes a half-turn, and leaves me without another word.
It’s been a week, an entire week since AJ started hating me. If only I had listened to her and left the pool when she asked. But I wanted to spend some time with her and waiting by the back door felt like the right thing to do. Except, when I saw her. Fuck she has a sweet little body that I wanted to stare at all day. Before last week I thought she was pretty, now I know she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. However, for some reason, she freaked out when she saw me and ran away to her room. Since then, I haven’t seen her. She holed herself up in her room and only her parents are allowed to go in and out.
“What happened, Porter?” Gabe asks for the fourth time during dinner. “We just have to find out so we can help her. The last time I went in, she said that maybe she’ll come out by Christmas. That’s more than six months away.”
“Nothing, I swear, Gabe.” I rub my eyes with the heel of my hands. “She was swimming for a long time. As she came out and saw me, she ran to the house and that was that. I’d never do anything to her. She’s my friend.”
“Hormones?” Chris stares at Gabe, who only tilts his head to the side with some kind of ‘I guess so,’ gesture. “We’ll just have to let her ride this one out, like all the others. Shit, handling her is worse than the boys. They might destroy the house, but I get them. Ainse . . . I’ve no idea what to say or do sometimes. Maybe her brothers will work their magic when they come back.”
“We just have to love her, babe,” Gabe responds. As if love is the solution to whatever I did to AJ. “If all else fails, as you said, JC and MJ will drag her out . . . as long as they don’t set her room on fire.”
Love.
From the first time I saw her, my life was dedicated to her, but during dinner when they said that we should love her, it all clicks. I have to show her that I’d do anything for her.
Early in the morning, armed with my guitar and a bottle of water, I knock at the door and begin to sing.
Come out
Or I’ll never stop singing.
I sing it over and over again, annoying the hell out of her in hopes that she’d come out to talk to me. If I could just find out what I did, apologize to her and show her just how much she means to me, everything will go back to normal.
But AJ doesn’t budge; it takes hours for her to finally react to my singing. “Shut up,” she screams.
I sigh with relief, leaning my head against the wall, hopeful that she’ll come out soon, and continue. “Not until you come out . . .”
My plan is working perfectly until Gabe rushes through the hallway and bangs on her door. “Come out before we kill him, AJ.” I gulp, but he gives me a smirk and leaves me when the door handle wiggles.
“What do you want?” her eyebrows form a V and her eyes have that red rim around the iris that scares me. Usually, it appears when her brothers upset her.
But I don’t let that bother me, I have to convince her that we’re friends and she should keep talking to me. “Duh, for you to come out. You promised to hang out with me and that was a week ago. I’m waiting. My patience is running low.”
“I’d rather not.” She slams the door on my face. Fuck. I strum the guitar again because I have to talk to her. Convince her that I’d do anything to fix whatever I had done wrong. “Ugh, shut up.”
“You went back in,” I sing.
“You saw me, I’m a freak,” her annoying tone is making me rethink what I’m doing. Maybe I should back off and come back tomorrow. “I won’t come out of my room for the rest of my life.”
Shit, she went from Christmas to forever. “That’s a long time.” I lighten up the conversation with a forced laugh.
“Well, I’ll wait until you head for college. Whatever happens first.”
College? That’s a long time from now. “Why are you a freak, exactly?”
“Because I’m hideous,” she mumbles through the door.
“No, you’re beautiful and you have the prettiest green eyes I’ve ever seen and you have to come out before I die of boredom,” I strum the guitar singing those lines.
Nothing I say brings her out. I set my guitar down and decide to show her the freaky scar that I have. Knocking on her door, I call her. “Check this out.” As I pull my shirt off, I point to the scar I got when I was four. I draw a line from my clavicle to my stomach. The pink scar doesn’t look as threatening as it did when I was younger, but it still freaked people out. Except AJ who accepts me no matter what. “This doesn’t make me a f
reak; it makes me, well, me.”
She opens the door and approaches me, we’re so close that I could hug her, but I refrain from doing that. She’s too young and her parents might kick me out if I act out of impulse. But I want to hug her so badly.
“You were my last friend,” she murmurs, her eyes settling on my clavicle.
“I’m not anymore?” My stomach drops and fear begins to eat my heart. “Is it because of my scar?”
“No, of course not.”
Relief washes over me and I come even closer to her. “Then we’re friends forever, to me, you’ll always be the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Her gaze lifts and the biggest, most amazing smile is shining just for me. A voice inside my head whispers: This girl is mine. She’ll always be mine.
There’s a lot of ground that I have to cover before I turn eighteen. As of today, and after two years of applying myself on a daily basis, I’m at a ninth grade reading level. A freshman in high school. According to my tutors and my foster parents, that’s a great accomplishment. When they tested me two years ago, I had a reading level of a first grader. Today I’m capable of reading any book, and of course, I have audiobooks and a laptop to help me with my assignments.
All the tools they gave me are part of a bigger plan to help me become a productive member of society. The Deckers want me to have a college degree before I have a music career. A backup plan, in case things don’t turn out the way I want. It’ll be complicated to explain to them that backups aren’t necessary when it comes to my future. In no way will I let myself fail. Once I reach for the stars, I’ll stay up there in the sky. That’s the only way I can be close to AJ. She’s the sun. The one who illuminates my days. In order to care for her the way she deserves, I have to work hard. At least be as famous as her parents are.
Undefeated (Unexpected Book 5) Page 4