by Nicola Rose
But he doesn’t. And my balance falters again. I can’t go. I can’t go and watch this…
“Actually, I’m still not well,” I mutter.
Cassian coughs loudly from behind and I stop to look back. He has already fixed his gaze back on the weapons, but I know what he meant. He wants me to go. He needs me there.
I swallow the bile in my throat and smile weakly at Marcus. “But, I’m sure I’ll be fine. Let’s go.”
36
Livia
I couldn’t say what happened in the hours since leaving the ludus. I don’t remember any of it. It’s just people, faces, noise… none of it makes it through the barrier that I’ve erected.
Do not show weakness.
I will endure this the only way I know how – by shutting it out. By locking myself down and embracing the numbness.
Cassian’s fight has begun. They’ve shared blows back and forth, whipping up the crowd.
It’s too obvious that Cassian is a far better fighter. When he stumbles and allows the blow… when he allows that sword to swipe over his arm, drawing a wound… my heart stops and I wonder how on earth the crowd can’t see that it’s fake, that he’s backing down.
His opponent, a Thraex fighter, swaggers to the other side of the arena, pumping his sword in the air like he’s already won. From one little nick to the arm. I can see the way Cassian’s jaw clenches, the way he wants to cut that smile from his enemy’s face.
I can’t do this. I can’t watch…
Panic surges through me.
I would rather die than watch this happen. The barrier is slipping…
The Thraex lunges and Cassian forces himself to dodge too slowly, the sword nicking at his side this time.
The fight has been going on too long. The crowd grow weary of the minor injuries, of the to and fro. As does Felix, nervous on the edge of his seat. The booing begins and Cassian’s shoulders seem to cave. He could have finished this battle long ago. One attack and the opponent would be dead.
Just one feint and swipe. Please, Cassian…
But the jeering from the crowd is deafening, and the next time the Thraex makes his weak attack, Cassian crumbles and falls. His opponent stands over him, a foot planted on his chest.
The crowd cheer.
Felix readies himself to pretend that he is shocked and angered.
A sword is lifted high, ready to swing down onto my gladiator.
My love.
Cassian was not made to walk amongst men, much less to serve them. He belongs with the Gods. Mighty, brave, fierce, loyal.
The Thraex takes a deep breath, lifting higher. He looks to his official for approval, which they grant him with a nod.
And I scream.
It erupts from my mouth in a torrent that I can’t call back. Cassian’s head whips round to find me. The world stills. Time has stopped.
His eyes catch mine and I know… he’s everything. He always was.
Felix clamps a hand over my mouth and Cassian snarls. The blade begins its downward arc, but he rolls out of the way. It strikes the sand and Cassian leaps to his feet. With one furious swipe he cuts the Thraex’s head clean from his shoulders.
Blood erupts like rain, drenching him. The crowd go wild. And Felix goes still. The promise of death seeping from his pores.
37
Livia
Marcus puts a hand under Felix’s arm and pulls him to his feet.
“For fuck’s sake, Felix, smile. Your gladiator just won. Clap your hands and cheer. Do you want the whole amphitheatre to suspect any wrong-doing?” Marcus speaks through gritted teeth.
I catch sight of the Thraex owner – fuming. He has paid my husband to fix this fight and now he’ll want compensation.
Felix whispers in my ear, “Whatever is going on, there will be punishments the likes of which you couldn’t even conjure in your nightmares.” Then he applauds and smiles for the crowds.
My heart swells with relief. Cassian is alive!
Then it dies.
He has sealed our fates. And they will be filled with horror.
38
Livia
The after-game reception banquet is to go ahead as scheduled.
But the plan had always been that we would return to the villa in defeat. That our prized gladiator would be dead, and we would be mourning our loss and looking to buy another.
Felix wanted to cancel the event. He wanted to get back here alone and have everyone beaten to a bloody pulp. Me, Cassian, Vitus… all of us. Then he would work out how he planned to kill us.
Marcus, though, had reminded him that eyes were on us right now. Our Champion had endured and if Felix did not act in the appropriate way then he risked raising suspicion. Punishments would have to wait until the party had finished and the dust had settled.
So the villa fills with nobles from all over Rome. And our gladiators stand in a line; there to be studied and enjoyed, sneered at and marvelled. They stand for hours – hands clasped, heads bowed, allowing the ladies to come and touch them, to giggle as they grip their firm muscles and swoon.
I’ve spent my life training for this existence. Having it ground into me how a lady behaves, what her wifely duties involve, and how to position myself in society amongst the rich and powerful. How to indulge in the same games. I know my place here. I understand the rank and reasoning.
Just as surely as the slaves have trained for their futures. Taught to bow and scrape, and never look up. Never to hold their heads high and look upon the world with confidence.
And yet, I find myself wondering if I’m really so different, after all? If my freedom really means anything, when I’m so tied and controlled. An empty life and an empty heart.
Perhaps the slaves are richer than me. They still have hope, and love?
Break them. Then build them up…
I no longer feel like I belong with these people. I don’t understand them.
But I try. I mingle, and I smile, and I bury every aching part of my heart into a place where I can’t feel it.
I should be happy that Cassian didn’t die. That I can perhaps have another day or two. But his punishment now will surely be far worse, and I think it will kill me, too.
As the evening draws on Felix orders a fight in the courtyard. Everyone chants and laughs as some of our men carry out a choreographed battle.
Cassian is not permitted to move from his stage. The star of the show. Cleaned of his opponent’s blood, but still looking like he’d survived a war. The deep wound on his arm has been dressed. The one on his side is left raw, to add further spice and excitement when viewing him.
He doesn’t dare look at me, not once. How it burns to have his eyes on the floor tonight, knowing how it feels to have them greedily feasting upon me. Knowing what terror lay ahead for us all and wanting so desperately for his gaze to reassure me, to let me know it would be alright.
But it couldn’t be, and we all knew it. Vitus and Alba had begun to take on the presence of sacrificial offerings; sad sunken eyes, rapid breathing, awaiting the slaughter. Defeated. The tension in the air was suffocating.
And he knew it. Felix knew exactly how we tip-toed through the evening, watching him, waiting for the explosion. He drank his wine and lapped it up.
39
Livia
My friend, Camilla, is at the party. I had almost forgotten I even have friends. Too consumed, too lost in my own little world to even think of them.
“You seem preoccupied these days, my love. I’ve barely seen you for months. Is everything well?” Camilla leans forward to inspect my face. As if she will find anything there. I’m too good at hiding behind this bland expression.
Felix spares me from having to answer when he stumbles over in a drunken state. “Look at the way the women paw over our Champion, Livia,” he grins, and I turn as casually as I can to see one of the said women cupping Cassian’s balls beneath the flimsy leather flap. His face is set, dead calm, indifferent – not a flicker of emotion
. But my indifference almost falters. I dig a nail into my palm.
“You know,” Felix continues, “I’m thinking I might make an announcement. Let’s offer up the sexual services of our Cassian for the night. The highest bidders get to bed the wild beast in the safety of our villa. Perhaps they can use our bed?” He cuts me with an icy glare. I swallow and force my face into neutrality.
“Yes, a fine idea,” he slurs to himself. “After all, I need all the extra coin I can get with a wife like you. You’re like a leech. Sucking onto my cock for dear life to keep a fine roof over your head. Coin grabbing whore…” He lurches away with those words, over to Cassian… over to the women…
I watch as he talks and they gasp and clutch at their breasts in shock. Then, shyly, they reach to their bags for their money.
“I bet even the married ones will bed him tonight,” Marcus comments as he passes by. “What a thrill for a husband to watch his wife fucked into submission by such a brute.”
I cough and try desperately to stop my hands from shaking. Marcus melts back into the party.
“Why do you tolerate your husband being such a cunt?” Camilla asks, perusing Cassian with interest.
“I have little choice,” I say between gritted teeth. “I’m grateful to have him. Lucky—”
“You keep telling yourself that and you might start believing it soon.”
“What would you suggest? That I stand up to him and have to face his punishments, having gained nothing? If I walk out that door then it’s with shame upon my shoulders and no money. What man worth anything would take me in?”
“True. That’s why you must find a new man before leaving that shrivelled old goat. Men always covet what they can’t have. If something is deemed precious to one man, then others want it for themselves. So go out there with a sparkle in your eye, show them you’re happy, offer the shy smiles and winks… they’ll soon be tripping over themselves for an affair with you. Then it’s just a matter of time and manipulation before you can run off into the sunset with them.”
“Time is something I’m running out of,” I groan. My nails dig deeper into my palms and I watch the horror on Cassian’s face as he’s led away with an excited woman in tow.
“Or, how about this for an idea… maybe you don’t need a man?” Camilla gasps playfully.
I force out a laugh. And so does she. But she soon stops when she notices the way I can’t breathe.
“So here’s one more idea, and it’s my favourite,” she whispers, taking my hand in hers. “Kill him.”
I spit my drink into my lap.
“You’ll get his money and he’ll be gone—”
“I think you’ve had enough wine for today,” I mumble and hurry away.
40
Livia
I look in every room trying to find Cassian, but he’s nowhere. And nor is that woman.
This is bad. So very bad. It will push him over the edge. If he’s forced into sex with these women then his visions will come… who knows what he might do to them.
I don’t find Cassian, but I do find an orgy in just about every room. Wine has flowed and inhibitions have faded. I drift from one scene to another, dodging the invitations to join in. The night feels like it will never end. But then, I don’t want it to. As long as this night continues, Cassian still lives… I hope.
Rounding a corner, I bump into Marcus. He has Alba pinned against the wall, a hand between her legs. Tears in her eyes.
“Alba,” I croak. “Your services are required in the banquet hall—”
“Her services are no longer anything to do with you. Alba belongs to me and will be moving into my villa tonight.” Marcus gives her a vile grin.
Her eyes widen. Lips tremble.
“Well, if you’ll be having your fill of her from now on then why do you need her now? I’m sure we could find our own entertainment for tonight…” I trail a hand along his chest.
“Livia, Livia,” he smirks. “You’re jealous?”
I smile meekly and he turns to slobber into my neck. “I knew you craved my attention,” his voice is a rancid breath on my ear. Every part of me wants to shrivel away from his touch, but I lean in closer and glare over his shoulder at Alba.
Go!
She hesitates, and then darts away.
After sticking his tongue down my throat for what seems an eternity, Marcus yanks me through to the main room to say goodbye to our guests. Many of them have already drifted away. A few are left, bingeing themselves on the last dregs of wine and food. He clears his throat and makes a few comments about people overstaying their welcome.
I still can’t see Cassian anywhere. The urge to run from room to room in a hunt for him is so overpowering that I have to grip a table to root myself in place.
Felix suddenly swaggers into the fray, a giggling girl on each arm. “I’m going to spend the rest of the night at my other villa,” he announces, to anyone listening.
As he leaves, Marcus rushes over and presses a bag of coins into Felix’s hand, talking animatedly in his ear. Felix nods, and drags his prey out the door.
Marcus turns to smile at me.
I already know what the money was for. I needn’t have offered myself to Marcus to protect Alba, because my husband just sold me to him like a common whore.
41
Livia
The guests have all gone. Cassian is nowhere to be found. Vitus and Alba have disappeared. All of the gladiators are back in their barracks.
It’s just me, and Marcus.
He sniggers as he drags me to my room. Then he turns abruptly and clenches my chin between his fingers, squeezing until I cry out in pain. “Do you think your husband knows you fuck his gladiators?”
“Gladiator. Single. And does your wife know that you fuck your brother’s bride? Or that the new maid you’ve acquired will be there to open up for your pathetic cock—” He slaps me around the face and my head whips over my shoulder.
A rumbling growl, barely even sounding human, comes from the adjoining bathing room. Alarm causes me to gasp, visions of wild dogs… but Marcus merely smiles.
Cassian appears in the doorway. Fresh lashings from a whip adorn his chest. One strike has even split open his cheek, narrowly missing his eye.
Marcus saunters over and pats him on the shoulder like a pet dog. “Ahh, Cassian,” he grins, and then turns to me. “We’ve come to an agreement, your Champion, and me.”
Breathing becomes hard again.
“Felix is very intent upon a plan of torture and death for this barbarian, but I might have found a willing buyer and convinced him that the coin from such a sale far outweighs the satisfaction of revenge.”
“Why?” I take a step back, needing to feel the wall behind me to stop from falling.
“Why?” Marcus breezes. “Because Cassian here would rather be sold to another than die. He’s no fool. In return for this favour that I bestow upon him, he will perform for me tonight. He will indulge in my every sexual whim between the three of us.”
Cassian’s eyes flash with rage.
“Horse-shit,” I spit. “He’s a Thracian warrior. He would rather die than sell those services to you.”
Marcus bites his lower lip. “Very astute. I might also have sweetened the deal by ensuring the death of his Domina unless he plays along. Considering you are mine now—”
Cassian’s swearing causes Marcus to duck away like a frightened child. Then he laughs nervously. “I can see your attraction, Livia. Thrilling, isn’t it? Having such a savage under your control.”
Cassian takes a step forward but I shake my head at him. The pleading in his eyes near breaks me. No. I shake my head again.
Marcus claps his hands. “Then let’s begin.”
42
Livia
“Remove her robes,” Marcus sits on the bed and issues his first command.
Cassian walks to me with sorrow on his face, but I offer him a smile. This will be alright. Because he will live. Yes, he will be sold
and I will lose him, but he will live! There can be no better offer.
I trace my finger along his jaw and plant a kiss to his lips.
“I didn’t say to fucking kiss like lovers!” Marcus snorts. “You are a savage, you will brutalise this woman.”
I step out of the kiss and allow Cassian to pull my dress away. Every moment his jaw clenches tighter. He can’t do this. He won’t…
You must do this! I silently plead.
When I’m naked, Marcus barks his next demand. “Bend her over this bed and spank her ass.”
I walk to the bed and position myself. “Not there,” he shouts. “Here.” He grabs my hair and pulls me so that I’m bent over with my head at his groin. He adjusts his clothing and his cock springs into my face. I don’t even get the chance to think about what Cassian will do, before Marcus has pressed his erection to my mouth.
I think that Cassian will erupt. But instead I feel the sharp whip of his hand landing on my backside.
Thank the Gods! You can do this Cassian. You must…
A second thwack, and I start sucking on Marcus. He groans in absolute delight and I sag with relief. This will work. Cassian will live and I will endure.
43
Livia
It’s all a blur, as these things often are. Every vile word to spew from Marcus’s lips, every time he makes me lick him, every time his cock thrusts into me. I keep my attention firmly on Cassian as often as I can, but I can see how much more it breaks his heart when I’m looking at him. But it’s my only solace through the pain. His rugged, determined face is my safe place.