“Hello son. It’s good to hear from you. It’s been awhile. How are you?”
“Good. How are you?”
“I’m fine. What’s going on? You rarely call me directly.”
“Things are good, very good, but I need your advice.”
“Is everything okay with Kerrigan?”
“How did you know when you were ready to propose to mom?”
“I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Other women ceased to exist in my world. It was only your mother. Is that how you feel about Kerrigan?”
“Yes, since the day I met her and my feelings have only gotten stronger. I want to spend my life with her.”
“Well, you have your answer. When are you going to propose? Wait until I tell your mother. She’ll be thrilled.”
“Hold on dad. I’ve haven’t made firm plans yet. Please don’t say anything to mom. There’s a strong possibility that I could be rejected.”
“I’ve seen the two of you together. I know she loves you as much as you love her. Why would she reject you?”
“She’s convinced that my feelings for her aren’t real. She’s insecure, scared.”
“I’m no expert, but if you ask her to marry you, I don’t see how she could doubt your intentions. Putting your heart on the line is the ultimate testament of your love.”
He exhaled a breath. “I hope you’re right, but I have to wait for the right moment.”
“Son, you don’t wait for the right moment, you create the right moment.”
Like a beckoning light at the end of a dark tunnel, that simple statement was the clarity he needed to make his next move.
Saturday, October 27
The alarm clock buzzed loudly jarring Axel from his sleep. He hit the off button before the sound disturbed Kerrigan. He studied the delicate features of her face, a rare natural beauty that required no accessory, no make-up or jewelry. His fingertips ran gently along the dip of her waist to her hip, admiring her generous curves and toned body. He stroked his knuckles across her hairline, pausing at her sun-kissed cheek. She amazed him.
Panic seized him as his next thought formed. Winning her heart hadn’t been the problem, getting her to give in to their love and to trust him was an entirely different matter altogether. He pulled out the little box from the top drawer of his nightstand and opened it, looking at the custom four-carat platinum ring inside. He closed the box and placed it in back inside of the drawer.
Kerrigan’s eyes fluttered opened slowly, and Axel’s grin came into view. He propped himself up on his elbow and hovered over her.
“Good morning beautiful,” he greeted her.
“Good morning.”
“Slept well?”
“What little I got yes,” she replied groggily and flashed a weak smile.
“I’ll make no apologies for the little amount of sleep you got. You knew what you were in for last night,” he replied.
“Not true. I had no idea what was going to happen,” she said coyly.
He leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose.
“Liar. You knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands to myself. Like this,” he said as he grabbed her breast and kneaded it in his hand.
At the command of his touch, her nipple hardened. He lowered his head to kiss her, but she turned away.
She cupped her mouth. “No. I have morning breath.”
“All right, let’s go get you cleaned up dirty girl. Come on, we’ll take a shower.”
Axel handed a terrycloth robe to her and then he put on his own. He couldn’t keep his hands to himself, touching and tickling her as they entered the bathroom. As with everything else in his house, the bathroom was exquisitely designed. The room was larger than her living and dining rooms combined. Walls covered in a faint powder blue gave the modern bathroom a serene spa-like quality.
He paused by the sinks housed in rich, dark chocolate cabinetry. “Here’s your toothbrush.” Axel handed it to her and then grabbed his own. “Oh, and let me close the door,” he said, remembering her quirk about closing the bathroom door whenever she brushed her teeth.
When they finished brushing their teeth, he sauntered passed paneled mirrors that ran the length of one wall to a series of switches on the wall. Although it was sunny out, he dimmed the room. One of the switches controlled the sensual melodic instrumental tune that pulsated in the background. The shower stood in the middle of the bathroom, encased by glass on all four sides. With the flip of another switch, the clear glass walls turned translucent. He removed his robe and tossed the cover onto a nearby wooden bench. His hands slid down her shoulders, unsheathed her and placed her robe next to his. Grabbing her tiny hand, he guided her into the over-sized shower. The ceiling-mounted rain shower cast a blue-green haze down into the shower.
“Have I told how much I love this bathroom? I especially, like the feel of the tumbled limestone floors under my feet. Your home is spectacular.”
“Glad you like my style, especially since you’ll be spending lots of time here. That’s enough about the house. Let’s get you wet.” Axel pressed a button and the rain shower overhead drenched them, a steady stream of warm water washed their naked bodies.
He took her into a firm embrace, and their lips collided. Moist heat surged through her and flowed between her thighs. Lowering himself to the shower bench, he pulled her down to straddle him. He reached around and under her, stroking her slick wet entrance.
“You want this?” He gripped his mushroom-headed tip.
Aching to have him inside her, she moaned a whispered, “Yes.”
He raised her up and gently lowered her down on his hard shaft. His pale length disappearing between her caramel folds penetrated and reached her end.
She gasped. “Ah! Axel.” Clawing, her nails dug into his back.
“Kerrigan.” He groaned.
Thrusting his hips in rhythmic harmony to the sensual music flooding the room, he pumped into her. Deep. Hard. Slow. She pushed down against him, rolling her hips and taking in the fullness of his thick rod. The intensity built inside her body until she writhed uncontrollably in his arms, her senses shattered. He rocked deep inside her, his fingers pressed into her fleshy lobes as he tightened his grip on her swirling hips until he exploded into her haven, joining her in rapture.
His cock still hard and buried inside her, Axel held her close against his chest in their heated afterglow. He didn’t speak and she couldn’t. Slumped over his shoulders, her shaky fingers clung tight as she fought hyperventilation. He nibbled on her ears, licking them as he tangled his fingers in her wet wavy hair. Eyes closed, she sucked in a quiet breath and stiffened, her heart nearly exploding at the intensity of his caress and attentiveness of his tender touch. A trail of kisses up her neck forced a soft incoherent mutter from her lips. Suddenly weepy, the cascading rain falling, the music filling the air, and the dimly lit room with the blue-green glow casted down from overhead overloaded her senses.
She fought tears back. She had fallen for him, hard, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. She wanted him, wanted to give herself to him completely, yet she couldn’t.
Breaking their intimate connection, he lifted her to her feet. They bathed each other, washing away the evidence of their passion. The rain from the showerhead beat down on her head, mingling with the tears. She hoped the droplets would camouflage her deluge. She didn’t want him to notice that she had been crying. Frowning, his hands dropped to his side, and he searched her eyes. Then unexpectedly, he grabbed her into his arms. They stood naked locked in an embrace as he held her tightly.
He leaned down and looked into her eyes. “Baby, why are you crying?”
Head tilted and eyes cast down, “It’s nothing,” She avoided his stare.
“Don’t lie to me. We should have honesty between us always. I want to be here for you, but I can’t do that if you won’t let me in. Now, tell me what’s wrong.” His voice strained.
“I don’t want to spoil the mood. I’m fine. P
lease let this go Axel.”
Holding her at arm’s length, he gawked at her. “No. We’re not leaving this shower until you tell me. You’re not a good liar, so you better tell me the truth.”
She brought her hands up to her chest, the tears building rapidly. “I’m just overwhelmed. I’m trying not to be all caught up. When you’re done with me, I don’t ...”
He interrupted her, his head flinching back slightly. “When I’m done with you? Haven’t you been listening to a word I’ve said? Haven’t I made my intentions clear? Haven’t my actions been clear?” She shook her head after each question, her expression blank. “Kerrigan, I want you.” He frowned, his forehead stressed with creases. “You’re the woman I’ve been waiting for and I want to spend my life with you. I know you need time. I want to give that to you. I don’t understand why you have these insecurities, but I know we can work through them together.” He scratched his temple and then dropped his hands to his sides. “I have long-term plans for us. I’m waiting for you to give me all of your heart. Why don’t you believe me? Trust me.”
She swallowed hard. She knew she should choose her next words carefully, but he had demanded the truth.
“You want the truth? Fine, then I’ll give you the truth, but you’re not going to like what I have to say. You’re young, sexy and rich. You’ve always dated skinny blonds who look like super models. You grew up surrounded by wealth and rich people.” Her voice choked with emotion. Flailing her arms, her darting gaze landed on the overhead shower fixture. “Look at the way you live Axel. I grew up in an apartment, and I live in one today.” Her pitch rose to a-glass-breaking-squeal. “I know we have many things in common, but we come from different worlds. I wonder if that will be enough.” Axel’s mouth dropped open.
She wrapped her arms around her stomach. “You went to an Ivy League school with no hesitation—no questions asked. I had to claw my way into one, and then fight like hell, to prove I deserved to be there. You sexualized me from the day we met. I wonder if that’s because I’m a black woman. You say you’re proud of my work. I wonder if that’s because you had such low expectations that anything I did outside of spreading my legs would impress you.” Axel eyes stretched wide, and he clenched his fists tightly at his sides.
The fire in her eyes blazed blue flames. “When we get stares and hateful looks, or when one of your friends says something negative about me or us, I wonder if you’ll leave me and choose someone who’s more unsuitable—familiar. I’m exotic to you now, but when my novelty wears off you’ll be done with me and I’ll be devastated. You don’t love me. You love the idea of me.”
Arms crossed over his chest, Axel blew out a hard breath, nostrils flaring. He dropped his head to his chest.
Axel closed his eyes, his chest heaving and the vein in his neck throbbing. Silent for a few moments, he absorbed the meaning of her callous words before responding. In that instant, he realized that she would make him out to be the villain no matter what he said or did or how he treated her. She wouldn’t trust him, and he would never have her fully. Slowly opening his cloudy eyes, a single tear rolled down his red face to his clenched jaw. He wouldn’t propose to her and be subjected to her cruel rejection. Steam rolled off the top of his head. Angry at her harsh words, he stepped away from her.
She reached out as he backed away. “Axel, please say something.”
The muscles in his face strained to prevent collapse. “I have nothing else to say Kerrigan. This is what you’ll always think of me. You’ll never give us a chance. You’ve made me out to be a shallow, self-centered man. No matter what I say or do to show you my love for you, you’ll never trust me.” His tone was low, barely above a whisper.
She reached out again, and his arm flinched back. “Clearly, you have a problem with our differences, or maybe you have a problem with my skin. I’ve never thought of you as average or as a conquest. I thought we shared something beyond the surface. What we’ve shared over the past year must have been meaningless to you. My love for you is hopeless and wasted.”
He turned his back to her and lowered his head.
“Kerrigan, maybe you’re right. Maybe we should just end this now. I never wanted to hurt you, but I can’t live with your constant scrutiny and expectation that I will. I wanted more than a casual relationship with you. For the first time in my life, I wanted more.” He closed his eyes. “You don’t know how much you’ve hurt me.”
She jumped at his hoarse laugh.
“Funny, you were so worried that I’d break your heart and instead you’ve broken mine. I loved you.”
He stepped out of the shower, grabbed his robe and fled the bathroom leaving her in the shower alone. Even with the fresh wounds she inflicted, he didn’t intend to let things end between them. He wanted to teach her a lesson. He knew she would be hurt. That was his plan. She needed to feel rejection, to feel pain, the same way she dished it out to him.
She slumped to the floor and tears poured from Kerrigan’s soul. The finality of his words sunk in, his pain so potent that his reddened eyes pierced her heart. She shuddered all over, recalling his pained face and gritted teeth as he stared down into her eyes. She had never witnessed him be that angry. The love in his eyes had turned to fury. Did she allow her insecurities to destroy their relationship?
Kerrigan shivered, the streaming hot water had become cold. A trembling hand reached for the handle, turned off the water. She stepped out of the shower, dried herself and then pulled on the robe. Standing at the mirror, puffy eyes and a swollen face reflected back. She dragged her weak, quivering body into the bedroom. There was no sign of Axel.
A note lay on the crumpled sheets still sultry from their passionate lovemaking, where their bodies had been entwined. Her tears flowed again and she sunk to the floor next to the bed. This time she knew this wouldn’t be a love letter. A wave of nausea washed over her as her shaky hands opened the folded piece of paper. There were only two sentences scribbled on the inside. Her heart dropped as she read the words.
Kerrigan,
I’ve gone for a jog and have some business to take care of. Thomas will take you home.
Axel
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The ride home was the longest ride of her life. The world outside whizzed by in a blurry haze. Kerrigan fought her tears the entire trip. She barely noticed when the car came to a stop outside of her apartment building. Thomas stepped out and around, and then opened the door. She didn’t have much to carry since Axel had arranged for everything to be provided for her at his house.
Walking into her home was strange. Although only a couple of days had passed since she was there last, to her, a lifetime had passed. She meandered into her bedroom and changed into a pair of cream lounge pants and matching hoodie as was customary whenever she moped. The red light on her home phone flashed indicating she had messages waiting. She dialed into the system. After each message had ended, nervous fingers pressed the number one to hear the next message, hoping that one might be from Axel. None of messages had been from him. She knew from his reaction that she’d hurt him badly. She was hurting too. The worst part was that she didn’t know what to do to fix the pain she had caused him.
The rest of the day, she sulked, ignoring two phone calls, one from Ashley and the other from her mother. She couldn’t bear the thought of having to rehash the events that had unfolded between her and Axel. She knew Ashley would rip into her for screwing things up. Her mother didn’t know anything about her relationship and conversation with her would feel empty and insincere.
At two thirty, there was a knock on the front door. Her heart leapt into her throat. The last time she’d received an unannounced visitor had been Axel. She jumped up. Jittery legs carried her to the door.
“Who’s there?” she asked anxiously.
“Me, Ash. Open up Kerri. Are you okay?”
Her heart sank. She fought tears back and maintained her composure.
Ashley shoved passed her. “Where on earth we
re you? I’ve been worried sick. I haven’t seen you in forever, and you haven’t returned any of my messages. Is everything okay?” Hands on her hips, her eyes canvassed the room suspiciously.
“No, I’m not okay. It’s over with Axel.” Kerrigan wrapped her arms around herself.
Ashley gasped and cupped her mouth. “Kerri, what happened?”
She knew Ashley wouldn’t make light of her situation. Standing in the small foyer, Ashley coiled her arms around Kerrigan, and then they strolled toward the sofa.
Tears pooled in Kerrigan’s eyes, her limp limbs sank into the sofa, and she curled her knees to her chest. “I don’t know how to give him what he wants. He wants a future with me. He wants me to trust him, to give my heart to him. I pushed him away. Now he’s gone, and I don’t think he’s coming back.”
Ashley plopped down beside her. “I thought he was willing to take things slowly and wait for you? What happened? Is he using this as an excuse to dump you?” Ashley’s nostrils flared as she spoke.
“No. Nothing like that at all. He really cares for me. I know he’s in love with me. I don’t know how to get over the insecurities gnawing at my brain.” She didn’t know what it would take to trust him. Perhaps nothing would ease her insecurity. “How can someone like him want someone like me? He said he couldn’t live under my constant scrutiny and expectation that he’d hurt me. This is my fault.” She buried her face in her hands.
“Kerri, do you love him?”
“Yes, you know I do, but I’ve never said the words to him. I can’t. I’m paralyzed by fear.”
“Girl, you need to get over whatever is bothering you. A man like Axel comes along once in a lifetime, if at all. How is being with him? You both seem to have so much in common.”
Closer To You (Suits in Pursuit) Page 9