by J H Cardwell
But I couldn’t think about that right now.
I had to think of how I was going to see Carter again tonight, for the first time in nearly a year.
Why did he have to leave? And why did he lose touch so quickly? Surely there was someone else.
I got upset just thinking about it, and tears gathered at the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over and ruin my makeup.
The time since he left had been an emotional roller coaster. First, the rape…the rape for God’s sake…Why did this happen to me? Maybe I really was to blame. I had racked my brain trying to remember ever sending crossed signals to anyone. I had wanted to tell Carter about it SO bad, but I knew he would think of me as ‘damaged goods’. I had told him NO to sex for so long, that he would wonder how I could give it up so easily to someone else. Oh he was smart, he would know I didn’t offer it out, but I was no longer pure none the less.
It hadn’t been my fault had it? I was drugged. At least that’s what the blood report showed…enough drugs to put me asleep for a day. Luckily, I woke up and rummaged for my phone to call for help. Carter had sent me the sweetest text after he left me that night…(I cried just thinking of it)…He texted he had wanted to hug and kiss me goodbye but was worried he would break down. He assured me he would see me soon… but we both knew then, he was staying in Kansas until he left for college, after his senior year. I would only be able to call and text him. Maybe Face time, but that happened only a couple of times early after he left.
The detectives didn’t pursue it too hard, because I begged my parents to let it rest. I was tested for STDs and pregnancy…both negative, thank God. I can’t imagine if I had to have a baby now not even knowing who the father was. Moore High School kids would have never let me live it down if they knew.
They did take samples of skin under my nails…what little there was, and um, other samples of DNA. They said I really didn’t put up a fight, because I was so out of it. There was no fingerprint match from the prints they had obtained from the door handle, and the steering wheel or DNA match in the system. However, they would flag it to alert them if anyone was ever arrested that matched the profiles.
For weeks, months even, I couldn’t look guys in the face, not knowing if one of them was my attacker. No other girls had come forward claiming the same thing either… My parents had heard about a visiting school kid from a Northern Virginia high school, and thought he could have done it. He had a record of a previous date rape.
But his alibi panned out to be secure, and with the DNA not matching, that was a dead end.
My reputation would be ruined at Moore High if they found out about the rape. Small towns are notorious for spreading gossip like wildfire. Everyone would eventually blame me…They would just hear that I had had sex, and think of me as 'loose'. I shuttered thinking about it. There was no winning either way.
Maybe Tate was right, I really should be more modest…I never wanted to be ‘asking’ for trouble; although, I truly didn’t dress like most of the other girls already. I wore modest shorts, and never showed my cleavage…too much trouble always worrying about falling out every time I bent down. My bathing suits are fairly modest bikinis, because I just can’t imagine wearing a one-piece until I’m at least 40. I mean my mom still wears bikinis for goodness sake. No, I don’t lead people on with what I wear, or how I act. I was sure of it. The Christian counselor my youth pastor had sent me to (and made me see) assured me it was not my fault, and that I wasn’t being punished for having sex. I didn’t choose it after all.
Still, I wasn’t entirely convinced. I grew up loving God, but where was God when this had happened to me, and why should I be listening to a counselor who had never been through it?
I was scared to ever be alone now.
I never drove alone after dark either. Oh…how I wish I could go back in time. I would never have another open cup, always a bottle with a top…For that matter I would never put myself in that position again. I would stay away from social mixers, where guys and girls partied together.
To this day no one else knew, only my parents, the detective, my youth pastor, and the counselor (I still see once a month), and of course Elle knows…my best friend Elle. She had been my constant shadow since that night. What would I do without Elle?
Chapter 2
“Hi Carter…I can’t believe how much you’ve changed in one year.” God that was stupid. I cringed at my own choice of words. I was meeting Carter again for the first time at dinner, at Coplan's Restaurant with our parents.
Carter put his arms around me, holding on a little longer than expected….sending my emotions all over the place.
“Reese, you look amazing…so mature…” Carter’s gaze fell to my chest and caused me to immediately step back a little. I knew I had blossomed in that department, even more since he had seen me last.
“It’s great to see you again…your voice even sounds a lot deeper, older” I said.
I hope I’m not all the same in your memory bank, thought Carter.
“I can’t believe it has been a year already” I said.
I knew this meeting would be awkward…I just never expected it to be this much so.
He still never knew how drastically my life changed the night before he left…And as far as I was concerned, he never would.
Carter leaned over to my ear and whispered, “Hey Reese, want to go somewhere after dinner and talk?”
I froze for a second. Something familiar coming over me, and sending a chill down my back. What was it…was he still affecting me so? …I couldn’t put my finger on it. But I knew I needed to tell him about Tate. Now was as good of a time as any.
“I know we probably need to talk about…things, but I can’t. I mean not tonight. I um, have already promised a few of my friends…um girlfriends that they could hang out tonight in my Dad’s cabin behind our house…” My dad had restored a vintage cabin making it a cool hangout…TV, fridge, covered porch, and best of all a huge hot tub underneath an arbor and usually a vast sky of stars… I was rambling to Carter, but I wasn’t sure when or if to tell him that Tate had already asked me to hang out tonight, anyway.
“And Tate?” he said not looking away.
“No Carter. Tate won’t be there either. But I think he is certainly something we need to catch up on…what made you ask?”
“I heard from some of my old friends that you two were dating. It’s cool Reese. How could I not expect you to move on…you are a sexy, smart girl after all…I remember how you turn heads,” he said in almost a whisper as he drew nearer to my face.
Something all too familiar flashed before my eyes “What did you say?”
“That I totally understand it…”
“No, the last part…”
He looked confused. “Okay, how you always were one to turn heads…”
I turned toward him looking at him for a long moment, wondering why that last sentence made my skin crawl.
***
Carter noticed she tensed up and had a questioning look…what was that about he thought. “Look, Reese, I wish I hadn’t had to leave last year, and then, we wouldn’t be sitting here talking about you dating someone else. It would be me…always me.” He held her gaze and felt a deep, dark desire worm its way up his spine.
He looked away before he gave in to his emotions. What was wrong with him? He had come so far over the past year. He had kept his mind off Reese as much as possible keeping busy with track… running faster and harder each race, running from those memories…those awful memories. The guilt was eating him alive. But she seemed okay, from where he sat…and already moving on to another guy. Actually, the more he thought about it he started wondering if he had actually done her a favor…helping her loosen up a little. But he also started feeling jealous, and it was aimed at a guy he’d casually known for years, a guy named Tate Justice. Had he already convinced Reese to be with him?
***
“Carter, if that were true why did you drop off the
face of the earth when you left? I had gotten your sweet text that last night I saw you.” I had to keep talking so I wouldn’t get drawn in to that dark time “Then each one after that seemed forced, fake even. What was going on with you?”
He squirmed in his seat… “You know why I left. I’m sure your parents told you. I just couldn’t talk about it…not even with you. My parents were separating and my mom was blaming my…”
“What do you kids want to order?” asked my mom, interrupting us. “Sweetheart, do you want the fillet cooked medium, we can split an entree?”
My mom, Liz was elegant and slender, light brown hair with golden highlights, green eyes, like me, and looked 10 years younger than she should. She was always worried for me and always talking to me in her honey voice (even more so since last summer). She was a devout wife and heavily involved in our church. Always looking up to my Dad, and trying to be the best for our family. They had a great marriage. Sure they fought occasionally, but never long in front of me, and they always seemed to patch it up quickly. My mom was cool too; she liked hanging out with her friends and having cookouts. She drank a glass of wine every evening…She said it was her ‘liquid Xanax’.
“Yes, that would be great mom, with a side of asparagus. Can I get my own salad though…with balsamic vinaigrette dressing?”
“Sure sweetie.”
I turned my attention back to Carter, who had just given his order to the waitress. He was staring at me. “Can I call you later, and we can take this up where we left off…since I can’t see you later tonight?”
“How about Saturday morning? I’ll be trying to sleep in, but maybe we can grab coffee at the shop around the corner from my house. Say 10:00?”
Now that we had a meeting time and place, I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Tate would be hurt and probably furious. After all, I hadn’t even told him about Carter being back in town.
****
“Saturday,” he said with a wink. Two days away he thought. Can I wait that long to be close to her again?
Chapter 3
That night was great just to hang out with the girls. Elle had come over as well as Maura and Chloe. They all lived near my neighborhood, and were members of the club pool. But mostly they loved the cabin and the hot tub. We watched ‘What Not to Wear’ eating our popcorn and drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. Then we plunged in the hot tub.
“Y'all are a bunch of lushes you know that?” I said casually, cracking a smile and leaning in to Elle.
“We’re dying to hear about your dinner date with Carter tonight… you two-timer you,” said Maura half -jokingly, half serious. They were all upset with Carter for giving me the cold shoulder last year. And they all seemed to love Tate (sometimes, a little too much).
“Well for your information, it was not a date. We went with our parents, and we were barely able to talk and catch up," I said, with a grimace on my face. I realized I was just now able to let out my breath, after worrying about seeing Carter all day.
“Did he talk about his parents being back together any,” asked Chloe? "I heard Mrs. Davis had shown up to work with bruises last year, a few weeks before Carter and his dad split town. When she was asked about them she just broke down crying.”
I couldn’t imagine the woman sitting a little ways across from me earlier tonight, being that weak, and having problems that severe last year. Mr. Davis, I thought…was he the reason for the bruises? He did sit tightly beside of her and she kept a stern look on her face the entire evening. In fact her mouth stayed in a flat line, she never seemed to smile. I thought they were back here to reconcile. I made a mental note to ask my mom about her good friend Lisa Davis, and what her story was for real. Mom always said Lisa and Tony were just too indifferent and couldn’t seem to make their marriage work. I also wondered if it would come up with Carter when we talked again. Maybe that was the real reason for his drawing away from me.
“That is the absolute first I have heard of that Chloe. I sure hope you have your information wrong.” I said as I turned to Chloe. “Who told you that?”
“Let’s just say it is a VERY reliable source…and I would believe anything this person tells me about it.” Chloe snapped her fingers in a ‘z’ pattern like she meant business.
“Besides, why are you so worried about Carter anyhow? Leave him be for someone else to have a chance with. Believe me you’ve got the hottest ticket with Tate. Don’t screw that one up. Someone might be ready to pounce on him if you turn your back, even if it’s only briefly to spend time with Carter. I hear Lauren is asking around about Tate again. You know they have a history. One you have yet to have with him.” Chloe seemed proud of herself for throwing out her opinion on the matter. She had her long, brown, thick hair up on top of her head in a loose bun. She was splashing around in the hot tub in her too tiny bikini. She really was a lot of fun…just always sure to speak her mind.
As it goes, we were all very close friends, and basically grew up together. Chloe was the wilder one of us, always with lots of stories to tell. I felt like we spent the majority of our time trying to tame her. Maura was extra book smart, and very matter of fact, but also very crafty. She could come up with a solution to anything. Especially when the four of us needed to get out of a ‘situation’, like getting home too late from shopping and eating afterwards or something of the like. But usually, Chloe was the reason for our ‘situation’ anyway. Elle was my best friend, and had been since the 5th grade when we joined forces on a project, and came out with a victory…and a blue ribbon. We had spent hours at each other’s houses preparing our board and power-points. She was always loyal and would take up for any worthy cause…bullied kids…the poor, 'whatever for the weaker' she always said. We leaned on each other for practically everything.
“Listen, y’all know how much I like Tate. He is the only guy besides…”
“We know. He is the only guy besides Carter, that you have ever given the time of day,” said Chloe. “But let me just say, there is something wrong with that too. You could have any guy at our school Reese…but if you don’t stop acting so damn snotty and goodie two shoes you won’t have anyone.” Chloe stared at me dead on.
“Look, I’m not saying to get down and dirty with Tate, but girl you have to loosen up a little. Do a little exploring with each other if you know what I mean.” Chloe was rolling her head, getting a little too relaxed in the hot tub.
Elle turned and looked at me. “Okay, maybe we should call it a night. I’m exhausted, and I’m sure Reese has had enough advice for one night.”
I secretly planned to thank her later for that rescue. I don’t want to talk about intimacy of any kind…much less the exploring Chloe was meaning. They don’t know what happened to me last summer, and I’m not about to exploit my fears, not even to my close friends. They can focus on their own love lives or lack there-of.
“Hey, before we leave," Chloe announced. "Finn asked me to mention a party at his house tomorrow night. He wants us all there. There will be a keg of beer and lots of good music.” Chloe said as she was twirling around in her fluffy bath robe (we each had one at my house just for frequent dips in the hot tub). We also each had beach towels with our names on them. That was my mom’s idea, but we loved them.
Elle eyed me and gave Chloe a scary, mean look. “I thought he told you to tell me about the party. You act like he was asking you to come.”
“Don’t get your panties in a wad Elle. We ran into each other leaving school yesterday, and he just threw it out there. I know you have your sights on Finn, girl. I think he digs you too. But remember what I said to Reese. If you mess around too long without making your marks on your man, they will move on.” Maura chuckled at what Chloe was saying. They all knew Chloe never held back.
“I say if they aren’t happy with what we give them, then the hell with them.” I exclaimed as I sauntered to the sunroom door. “But I will give you this Chloe, I guess I need to do a better job of letting Tate know I care about him…life just gets difficult
when history comes back to bite you in the ass.”
Chloe couldn’t help it “Ooh, maybe that will happen literally, you know, bite you in the ass,” and we all burst out laughing.
“By the way, I don’t plan on going to that party. I say we come back here and have a repeat of tonight.” I was hoping they would agree with me.
Chloe pouted, and even Maura and Elle gave a whiney face.