I did it.
I kissed her.
Oh no.
Seventeen
Paislee
Uh.
Um.
Oh.
Hell.
When our lips parted, I covered my mouth quickly. He took a small step backward. His eyes were still glued to mine. There was a long pause that felt like it lasted forever. My stomach was flipped upside down, shaken, and ripped completely out of my body in an instant. It was like the earth knew it too because the rain came to a dead stop.
“What just happened?” Josh spoke first, asking the question that was plaguing my mind. It was a question that I had absolutely no answer for. None. I couldn’t explain it if I tried. All I could do was shrug my shoulders.
I wanted to say something, anything, but it was like my mouth had gone numb. I tried searching for an answer in his expression, but there was nothing. He gently grazed his fingertips along his lips, and for a brief instant, I felt scared. Scared that he was feeling something different.
“Lee.”
“Yeah.”
“What did it feel like to you?”
No. No. No. I did not want to be the first person to answer the question.
“Please tell me,” he urged.
I tightened my hands over my face, and wished for some otherworldly strength, because I was scared. I was frightened worse than I was when I told him my ten-year secret about loving him.
“Say it, Lee,” he insisted again.
I sucked in a deep breath and out it came. The words spewed from my mouth like vomit. “It was like kissing my brother.” I said the words so fast that I wondered if he heard me correctly. There was no way I was repeating myself. They were the hardest words I’d ever had to say, and I hated it. Never in a million years did I think kissing Josh would be like that. I loved that boy with everything inside me. He made me feel alive when he touched me. I thought that the kiss would feel like the most magical thing in the entire world. But I was wrong. It felt wrong on so many levels. I’d always believed that the one kiss with him would change everything. That it would make him love me, and that we wouldn’t be able to stop kissing once we started. Oh boy, was I wrong. If you think a kiss will make you feel something no matter whom it’s with, then you’re wrong. Try kissing your brother? Right, that’s gross. All the love I felt for him over the years was true. It was real. I just wished I’d found out earlier that it was a different kind of love.
“Oh thank God.” He wrapped his arms around me.
“What?” I asked.
He pulled away from me for a second and there was a wide smile spread across his face. “I felt the same way. It was weird. I can’t describe it, but I felt wrong about it. It was like a gut-wrenching feeling that it was morally wrong.”
“On so many levels,” I laughed.
He laughed too.
We stood there cracking up at what we’d done. Why in the hell did we not do that five years ago? All that time I’d thought that I couldn’t let anyone into my life because Josh was it for me. I mean, I know it sounds crazy. But the truth is, you can’t deny chemistry. Maybe I thought that his touch sent shockwaves through my body because of passion, but in reality, I couldn’t have been more off. I led myself to believe that because he was the only boy I loved, that everything about him turned me on, and maybe it did. Maybe I was longing for touch, but not with Josh.
I couldn’t believe it. We were both in tears from laughing, but it was like the elephant that had been standing between us was gone. Just like that.
I squeezed him so hard, and he held me back. I wouldn’t trade that boy for a million dollars. He was still my very best friend in the whole world.
“Hey,” I said, grinning at him.
“Yeah.”
“Do you love me?” I asked.
“Yes. I do love you more than anything in the world. But I love you as my best friend.”
It felt amazing to hear those words. “I love you too.”
And I did. I loved him so much.
“Look at us,” I stepped away. “We’re soaked.” I wrung out the bottom of my tee shirt and watched a puddle of water form at my feet.
“Come on, let’s go to my dorm. We can dry off, change our clothes, and watch a movie. I’ve got Ice Age.” He beamed.
“That sounds perfect.”
I took his hand and let him lead the way. It wasn’t until we reached the steps of the dorm that I realized what my thumb had been grazing over. There was something wrong with his hand. When I pulled it up to inspect it, I noticed that there was blood on him. “What the hell happened to your hand?” I asked.
“We’ll talk about in the room, okay?”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly as we made our way inside.
As soon as my body felt the warmth from inside the building I shivered. I was suddenly freezing from the rain, and ready to rid myself of my heavy, wet clothing.
“I don’t know why you love the rain. It’s freaking cold. Everything I have on is soaked.”
I snickered. “That’s the point. It makes you feel alive.”
“You’re crazy,” he replied.
I shrugged as I followed him up the stairs. “You always say that.”
He glanced back at me over his shoulder, “And I always mean it.”
After towel drying my hair, I slipped on one of Josh’s tee shirts. I was trying my best to be as quiet as I could because Garrett was asleep in his bed. Josh told me not to worry about it. He said that once Garrett was asleep that it would take a tornado to wake him up.
The boys were lucky enough to have a flat screen T.V. in their room, and a DVD player. Letty and I had to use my computer.
“What’s it going to take for you to put one of those bad boys up in my room?” I pointed to the T.V.
“Maybe a kiss,” he replied jokingly.
“Not funny.”
Of course, we both laughed. That joke was going to be made for a long, long time. I could feel it. No way was he going to let this one go.
I tiptoed over to Garrett’s bed, trying my best not to be loud. His head was flat against his mattress, so I reached around him and stole his pillow. If he wasn’t going to use it, then I was.
“You little thief.” Josh smirked. He popped in the DVD, and pushed play.
I waited for him to crawl in the bed first because I wouldn’t be able to see the T.V. if I was in the back.
Once the two of us were settled, I asked him again about his hand. Something was up. He acted strange when I asked him the first time, and nosey me wasn’t about to let it go. It was no secret that I divulged in reserved information. I didn’t care for that need-to-know stuff because I needed to know everything. It was a trait I’d gotten from my father.
“You’re going to be pissed when I tell you what happened.”
I turned over on my back so that I could better see his face. “Go ahead,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. If he thought I’d be pissed, then chances are, I would be.
“After the card game tonight, me and a few of us guys went to the diner downtown to get some food.” He paused.
“And…”
“I got into it with Tex, and ended up punching him in the mouth.”
“You did what!” I shouted. Then I glanced over to make sure I hadn’t woken Garrett. He didn’t budge. “What the hell were you thinking? What happened?”
“I asked him about your date.”
I growled. “For the thousandth time, it wasn’t a date.”
“I’m sorry. I know that now.” He huffed. “I was just aggravated because you didn’t tell me about it, and because I don’t really know the guy. All I was trying to do was get some information from him. I just wanted to feel him out, and see what his intentions were.”
“So you punched him?”
“He pissed me off.”
“Why, tell me what he said? Was it something bad about me?” I asked. I was curious to know if behind my back Tex was acting like an ass
. If he was saying something shitty about me then I had the right to know about it.
“No.” He shook his head. “It was about me.” I looked at him, and he took a deep breath. “He said that he wasn’t dating you, but that I was.”
Aw, hell. “I’m so confused right now. That doesn’t make sense.”
“It makes perfect sense actually, if you think about it. He said that if what you and him did was a date then what you and I were doing was the same. We hang out, we go places together, hell we sleep in the same bed.”
I guess I’d never thought of it that way. It was just normal for us to always be together. Maybe to everyone else it wrong, but to us it was right.
“He also said that he knows that you love me. That anyone who wasn’t blind could see it,” he added.
Funny he should say that. His own mother was blind.
“His words just hit me the wrong way.”
“So you hit him?” I questioned. “You shouldn’t have done that, Josh.”
“I know.” He nodded in response. “It was stupid of me.”
“You can say that again,” I replied under my breath.
He nudged my shoulder. “It got me thinking though. For the first time since you told me how you felt about me, I was truly thinking about it. The walk home from the diner gave me a minute to just wrap my head around it. I wondered if I was making a mistake by telling you that I didn’t have feelings for you. I kept thinking that maybe I was just lying to myself because I didn’t want to lose what we had. Then I saw you standing there in the rain. It was like all of a sudden I knew what I had to do. I was ready to risk it all to find out.”
“Boy, I’m glad you did.” I glanced up at him and his bright eyes matched mine.
“Me too.”
“I wasn’t ready at all to give up on you,” I admitted. “I had a plan.”
“Oh yeah.” He scooted a little closer. “Let’s hear it.”
It was kind of embarrassing, but after what the two of us had gone through, I felt like I could tell him anything.
“Well,” I hesitated. “I thought that you weren’t attracted to me.” I laughed. “I thought that maybe I could change your mind if I started fighting fire with fire. You know, bringing sexy back.”
He rolled to his back in full-on laughter.
“Shut up dammit. I’m serious.”
He covered his mouth, but he was still laughing. “It was never about that Lee. I swear. I’ve always thought you were gorgeous. It’s just…” He had to get the rest of his laughter out. “I’m sorry for laughing, but that’s hilarious. It’s just that I didn’t want to mess up a good thing, and I thought for sure that you’d understand, and that the two of us would get past it. I was thinking that maybe you’d find a guy to date.”
“I wasn’t even trying to find another guy,” I explained.
“Well, to be honest, once Tex came into the picture I got a little jealous.”
I faked hurt, slapping my hand to my chest and dropping my mouth open wide. “Joshua Landon jealous?”
He rolled his eyes. “I saw how easy the two of you hit it off. I didn’t want to lose my best friend.”
“My how the tables have turned.” I smiled. “Now you know how I felt all those years that you spent time with random girls. It was hard sharing you with other people.”
I felt his arm move, before he laid it softly over me. “I get it, and I’m sorry. But you should know that you can never be replaced, Lee. You’re my only best friend, and no matter what happens I’m always going to have time for you. I swear it.”
It felt nice to hear those words from him. This whole experience had changed our relationship, but not for worse. No. It was so much better.
“I love you Josh, and I feel the same way. No matter where our lives take us, I always want you to be the constant in it. I want you to be the one thing that never changes.”
He held me close. “I promise, Lee. I’m sorry about Tex. I really do think he has good intentions. He seems like an alright guy. I won’t stand in the way of you finding love. I’ll share you, but if anyone hurts you I’ll kill em.” He spoke in a way that I knew to be true. Josh would always have my back.
“Since we’re being honest with each other, then I should tell you that I do have feelings for Tex. Don’t ask me what kind of feelings, because I have no idea. All I know is that he is fun to be around, and I like hanging out with him. It’s different with him. Truthfully though, I hadn’t really let myself feel too much because of you.”
There was a moment of quiet between the two of us before he finally spoke. “So do you think you’ll try to figure it out now?” He asked.
I moved my head a little closer to him. “I don’t know. I think I want to.”
“Then you should, Lee. There is nothing standing in the way now. The two of us can move past all this and see what happens, and I have to tell you that it feels good not having something separating us. For a while now I was beginning to wonder if it would ever be the same between us.” He admitted wholeheartedly.
“I was too, but now I know that I’ll always have you.” I let out a pent up breath. “I’m going to talk to Tex in class tomorrow. Maybe I’ll see if he wants to go on a real date, after I explain myself. He needs to know the truth.
“Good. You just let me know if he needs another good punching.” Josh smirked as he rubbed small circles on my back.
“Okay, master. I’ll let you know.”
The room grew quieter and I wondered how I got so lucky to have a guy like Josh in my life. Sure he was a pain sometimes, and immature as hell, but other times he was my rock. He was the one person that I knew I’d never lose. Not ever.
I snuggled up close to him, and tangled my legs with his before drifting off to sleep.
Eighteen
Josh
A couple of days had passed, and things went back to normal between Lee and I. We were meeting up whenever we could between classes, and talking about old times. It was like nothing had changed.
She still hadn’t spoken to Tex, though. He didn’t show up for class on Monday, and he hadn’t returned her text messages. I could tell it bothered her, but she said everything was fine. Fine was code for not fine, but there was nothing I could do to make her say otherwise. She told me he had some issues at home with his parents and that she’d talk to him when he came back to class. Little did she know, that he had until the end of the week or I was going to talk to him myself. If he was still pissed at me that was fine, but if that was the reason that he wasn’t talking to her then I was going to punch him in the face again.
Instead of letting her dwell on it, I told her that the two of us were going out for a night. We were going to check out a new place in town, and let loose. We needed a good night of fun, like the old days. No worries, and no pressures, just the two of us together.
After finishing up my last class, I stopped by the library to get a little bit of studying done. I figured that Lee and I would be out late, and I wouldn’t have time later. I opened the main glass door and made my way to the very back of the room. I wanted the last table by the window where I wouldn’t be disturbed. It was my usual spot. It was small, only held two chairs, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone sitting there unless I came early in the morning. The place was usually overly crowded in the early hours that you couldn’t find a seat in the whole place.
Weaving my way through the tables, I made my way to the back of the room. I was almost to my spot when I noticed that it was already occupied. Long, blonde hair hung loosely over the back of my usual chair. Her back was to me, so I couldn’t tell who it was.
I stopped for a second to adjust my backpack and then looked over my shoulder for another place to sit. It didn’t take me long to decide that I didn’t want any other seat. I wanted mine, or at least my table.
“Excuse me,” I tried to whisper, but it didn’t matter how you talked in a library. It always sounded too loud.
She peeked up from her book an
d looked at me through her large, black-framed glasses. I noticed immediately the pearl blue color of her big, beautiful eyes.
“Yes,” she said shyly as she peeked back down at her book. I noticed that she fidgeted with the pen in her hand, tapping it back and forth on her book.
I leaned my head a little waiting for her to look back up. When she did I replied. “I’m sorry to bother you. I usually sit back here at this table. Do you mind if we share?” I suggested. “I like the quiet back here.”
She looked kind of taken aback with my question, and her pen clinked against her book even faster. “Sure,” she smiled and bit down on her bottom lip. Was she flirting?
Ah. This girl was adorable.
I set my backpack on the floor next to the chair opposite her before I sat down. I wasn’t kidding about the small table. Frankly, there was hardly enough room for one person, let alone two. But I was going to make this work.
She looked up at me and smiled a couple of times while I was settling in. I had to apologize twice for nearly knocking her book into her lap, but she seemed cool about it.
Once I finally got set up, I realized that studying her was the only thing I was getting done at that table. I was a fool to think that I could sit across from a beautiful girl and get any work done.
“I’m Joshua by the way, or Josh.”
“I’m Gwen,” she replied.
Her voice was soft and subtle. The way her lips moved when she spoke had my full attention. It was sexy as hell.
“Freshman?” I asked.
She shook her head yes.
“Me too,” I told her, not wanting the conversation to end. “I haven’t seen you before on campus.”
“I’m an art major,” she tucked a stray curl behind her hair.
“So am I,” I lied, and she knew it.
She laughed. Then covered her mouth quickly to hide the noise. It was the sweetest sound, and I wished that we weren’t in a quiet library so that she didn’t have to hide it.
“You want to go grab a cup of coffee or something?” I asked. Yes, I was probably way too forward, but I wanted to talk someplace where we didn’t have to whisper.
Do you love me? (Trinity Series Book 1) Page 11