Vision of Love

by S. Moose

  His fingers went under my chin, lifting my face so we were looking at each other. “I want you, Karly. Just you.” His lips met mine and I was his. Life was great with Neil. I felt safe, confident and better than ever.

  “That was a great night,” I whisper. A part of me will always love Neil, but we’re both moving on.

  * * * * *

  After driving for over two hours we make it to Wilmington. It’s a cute town with shops, museums, the port and parks. It feels like home here. Neil looks around making sure it’s safe. I shake my head, but love him for looking out for me. Alexis’ apartment is right near the beach, which is a huge plus. Neil parks the car on the side of the road and we head inside. Remembering Alexis’ instructions I press the buzzer and ask for Fred, the doorman.

  “Fred?” I talk into the speaker. “This is Karly Erikson. Alexis’ new roommate.”

  There’s a slight pause and the door opens. We walk in and I’m stunned. The lobby of the apartment is beautiful with a large chandelier and a table in the middle of the room. There’s an array of flowers in the middle with brochures and a bowl of chocolates. The elevators are on the right hand side and the desk reminds me of the front desk at a hotel. Holy hell.

  “Karly?” Neil and I turn around and see a tall bald man with piercing green eyes walking towards us. “Hi. You must be Fred?”

  “Yes that’s me.” He extends his hand out to Neil and I while giving us Alexis’ key. “Don’t worry about your things. We’ve scheduled the movers to collect your things and they’ll bring it up to the apartment.”

  Wow. Fancy.

  “Come on let’s go grab dinner.” We say thanks to Fred and head out. Instead of driving Neil and I walk around the quaint town. There are a few local stores and a Starbucks. I literally jumped up and down when I saw my favorite coffee place. It feels like home here; somewhere I can finally belong again.

  After eating dinner at a cute Italian restaurant and getting dessert, Neil and I head back to the apartment. We take the elevator to the sixth floor and walk to my new place. Once inside I’m shocked. The apartment is huge! The living room has a mounted flat screen television with a love seat and couch. The bay windows overlook the park and the kitchen…Holy hell…Nice! I love cooking and baking so this kitchen is a dream come true. The apartment is quite contemporary with the black, white, beige and light brown colors. The walls are a piercing white color with tiles in the kitchen and beige carpets. The art pieces hanging are remarkable. There’s one painting that pulls me in. The girl is in the shadows looking over the lighted buildings. The night sky shines on her and a lone tear streaming down her face. I’m not sure why this painting speaks to me but there’s a connection that I can’t shake off. Pulling myself away from the painting I head to the couch.

  I pull out my phone and text Alexis letting her know we’re here.

  Me: Thank you so much for everything. It looks great! I can’t wait to see you tomorrow!

  “Nice huh?”

  Neil looks around and sits down next to me. “Very.”

  I grab his hand and we head to my bedroom. On the door there’s note from Alexis.

  Karly Lynn <3

  Welcome!!! I’m so glad you’re here with me! I hope you love Wilmington-very different from Chapel Hill, but I promise you’ll love it. Help yourself to ANYTHING and please make yourself comfortable. I’ll be home Sunday so we can def catch up. I’m so proud of you for finishing your last student teaching placement. I heard great things from Gail and you have my strong recommendation. You’ll do great!

  I love you!

  Alexis

  I smile reading her note.

  When we first met I was so nervous. She was my teacher, slash mentor for the twelve weeks during my student teaching. It was for third grade at a nearby elementary school. As soon as I walked in I introduced myself and was relieved that she was happy to see me. I heard horror stories about different placements for student teaching and prayed I wouldn’t have a bad experience. Everything went smoothly and I took over her classroom within two weeks. I felt great and could tell she was proud of me by her compliments and reviews. By the end of my twelve weeks Alexis told me she was moving to Wilmington for a new teaching job. She knew I wanted to get out of Chapel Hill after UNC so she told me to make sure I called her and I could live with her. I was excited to say the least. We texted and talked all the time; she was my best friend.

  Neil opens the door and I get another shock. Everything is set up nicely by the movers and my new bed set and furniture came in. “Wow,” I gasp covering my mouth. My bedroom is huge and there’s even a walk-in closet!

  “Soooo how can she afford this? I know you can, but living like this on a teacher’s salary?”

  I roll my eyes. “Her family is pretty wealthy. They’re like the Hilton’s of North Carolina.”

  “Looks like I found myself a suga mama,” he laughs, nudging my side.

  “Ew, stop.” I push him away and run to bounce on my new bed. I’m still a kid at heart and I love it. No shame.

  “You’re a child.”

  “And?” I look at him with a smirk.

  He crawls into bed with me, bringing me in his arms. We stay like this for a while just soaking up the silence between us. A tear rolls down my cheek as I rest on Neil’s shoulder.

  “I’m gonna miss you,” I whisper into his chest. He’s the only guy I trusted after Bradley. Now he’s leaving. I feel sad, but happy that he’s off on this incredible journey.

  “I know. I’m gonna miss you too,” he kisses my head and we lay in silence for a few hours before getting up.

  Neil helps me with some last minute things and we spend the night on the couch watching Fast and the Furious.

  “Thanks again for everything.”

  He kisses the top of my head, “Anytime. Do you think you’ll be okay?”

  When I lost my parents I lost everything – the house I grew up in, my friends…Everything. By the time the bank was done I was left with my clothes and car. The Erikson’s dirty secret was out for the world to know. My life was ruined in Boston and I had to get out. The day before I was set to leave I had to meet with my parent’s lawyers to finalize a few things. I’ll never forget that day.

  The lawyers met with me and I was ready to hear more bad news. Following their condolences, they presented me with a letter from my mom.

  My dearest Karly,

  I’m sorry that we did this to you. I’m sorry for everything and I only hope that you can one day forgive us. I know life was never easy and living with us was hell but I can assure you, your father and I loved you so much.

  If you’re reading this letter, well, it means we’re not with you anymore. I’m sorry sweetheart. We hope that this will help you with your future. Live your life Karly. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Start over, away from Boston. Even though we’re gone, we’re still here with you. Always watching and protecting you.

  Love always,

  Mom & Dad

  I cried and fell to the floor. How could they have left me this note and then still made my life a living hell? I clung on to the note and pushed away all the bad memories. All the abuse and yelling left my mind. I remembered my dad and me playing in the yard and how he taught me how to drive. I remembered my mom and me shopping for my prom dress and the look on her face when I found the perfect dress. Happy times flooded my mind.

  I finally got myself together and the lawyers asked me if I was okay. I nodded. As soon as I got back to my chair, they gave me my parent’s last wish. My trust fund. Three million dollars. My jaw dropped. I asked them if this was right and if it was all mine. They reassured me that my trust fund was mine and no one could touch it. I asked them again if this was right since my dad cleaned out my trust fund. They told me the day before my mom died she put everything she had saved and transferred it back to my trust fund. She had a secret account; one with my grandpa’s inheritance he gave her. I thanked her in my head and knew this was what
she meant by starting over. I left their office feeling relieved. At least they did something right.

  With my trust fund and the insurance on both my parents, I was set for life with five million dollars. Even though I was set for life I still wanted to make a name for myself and find my own way.

  “Yeah I think so,” I nod.

  “Did you get all of your bank information set up? Transferred here?” I nod again. Neil’s always been more of a protector than a romantic boyfriend. It makes me love him even more.

  “Yes and yes. Stop worrying.” I nudge his stomach.

  He squeezes my hand and smiles, “I’ll always worry about you.”

  When the movie finishes we shut off the lights, lock the door and get ready for bed. I help Neil get comfortable on the couch before going to my new room.

  “Are you excited for tomorrow?”

  He looks away from me, “I’m nervous. It’ll be interesting you know?”

  I nod. “This is your adventure so make sure you live it up.” Neil looks at me with sad eyes. I wonder what’s going on with him. He’s been weird for the past couple of hours. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I wanna ask you something.” I pull my leg up on the couch and face him. “Did you love me?”

  “Of course I did. We had a great relationship and now we’re best friends.” I take his hand and bring it to my lips. “You’re stuck with me!” I look at him, thinking about the innocence of our relationship. “Neil, why didn’t we have sex?”

  He gulps, leaning his forehead against mine. “I wanted everything to be special for you. As much as I love you I wanted to make sure you were ready and I knew you weren’t.”

  “I am now,” I smirk. Being a twenty-one year old virgin is not sexy or ideal!

  “Baby girl as sexy as that sounds I can’t do that to you.” He kisses my cheek and holds me in his arms. “I want you to be happy. Don’t let life pass you by, Karly. Make sure to live it to the fullest and don’t let anything hold you back.”

  “You too honey.” I kiss his forehead. “Alright go to sleep!”

  “Night baby girl.”

  “Night Neil.”

  My king sized bed is amazingly comfortable. I can lay here forever and be happy. I think about what Neil said and his voice plays in my head. He looks so sad. I hope he’s okay. I turn to my side and slowly close my eyes into a deep sleep.

  “Dad...Please...No...Dad!” He’s on top of me. I smelled the whiskey on his breath. The jagged piece of glass on my face pierced my skin.

  “You stupid bitch. You’re a failure!”

  I hated it when he was like this. The alcohol and drugs took over and he wasn’t my dad anymore. He was a monster.

  “Daddy please,” I whimper trying to break free from his grasp. Suddenly he drags the glass through the side of my face. I felt the blood gushing out. I screamed and cried, but he manically laughed. “Don’t kill me Daddy. Please.”

  “I’ll see you in hell.”

  “Baby girl. Come on babe get up.” I feel him shaking me but I can’t wake up. “Babe please,” he cries out. I feel his arms around me. The warmth of his body radiates onto mine. “Babe!”

  I open my eyes and look around. I’m safe. “Neil?” I throw my arms around him and he wraps his arms around me.

  “I’m here.”

  The concern in his voice hurts me. Tears threaten my eyes. I can’t cry. I can’t.

  Chapter 2

  Nicholas

  There’s only one constant in my life, my four-year-old daughter Emma Grace. She’s the love of my life and the one I work hard for. No one else matters, just her. Being a parent changes you. You see life with different lenses and there’s a sense of protectiveness that takes over. When I think about Emma I see a happy little girl ready to take on the world; just like her daddy.

  Providing for Emma and succeeding in life is all I know. This is one of the reasons why I’m a twenty-eight year old bachelor. True, I’ve made a name for myself in the business world and I have more money than I know what to do with but it doesn’t ease the loneliness. Ever since I can remember I’ve had control of my life. When you have control and an open mind, you’ll get far in life. When you’re able to listen to others and control your life there’s nothing that can get in your way.

  Taking a step back and settling on the couch I close my eyes thinking about my life and this shit storm that brewed a few years ago.

  Things were great, but when Emma was born I lost a piece of myself. Jamie walked away from us. A few days later I was presented with divorce papers and I knew that it was over. I couldn’t fight for her. She was done with us.

  Standing in the middle of my living room that’s been part of my home for the past three years leaves me feeling nostalgic. Taking one last look at the California waters and skies I turn around and finish putting the last of my things in a bag. I take in a deep breath and let my mind wander for a moment. Heading back to Wilmington without Jamie isn’t part of the plan. The struggles to be a family won. Jamie and I are two different people. She’s focused on her modeling career while I put family first. I don’t blame her anymore. This isn’t the life she wants, but she tries her best with Emma and that’s all I can ask for. We tried, but the love we have for one another is gone. Our love story is over along with this chapter of my life.

  I reflect on being in California. Do I regret it? No. Emma has a connection and relationship with Jamie and that’s what matters. When you become a parent your needs cease to exist. Your child comes before you and your world revolves around them. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but one that I’m glad is over.

  It was hard accepting a failed marriage. I would’ve done anything and everything for her, but the Jamie I fell in love with was gone. We agreed to be a family for Emma’s sake. The three of us lived in a high scale apartment and did the best we could. It was hard to date so there was another agreement we came up with. We kept each other satisfied at night; it was a mutual feeling and there weren’t any strings attached. However it started getting old after two years of fucking around. I was tired. I was exhausted. Jamie and I wanted our own happily ever after. We still lived together, but had our own lives. I dated and had fun, as did Jamie. The women I dated weren’t in it for the long run. They wanted what I couldn’t offer-love.

  Love was a fucked up emotion. People threw the damn word around as if it didn’t mean anything. I refused to settle down with anyone. I wanted the real thing, but that didn’t exist anymore. Finally I accepted the single life. Being single meant no complications and arguments.

  Putting Emma’s things in her suitcase I fall to the ground, my head between my knees. Anger and pain explode in my body. The look on Emma’s face when we told her the news breaks me apart. She cried and ran away from us.

  This is the best thing. I hope. The tears threaten my eyes. I need to be strong. A new life is waiting for us.

  Getting up from the bedroom floor I finish putting her things away. Walking back in the living room, there’s a picture of the three of us in the park on a shelf. I pick it up, running my hand over the framed picture, and remember when things weren’t so complicated.

  I cringe thinking about my short-lived marriage. The idea of getting married and love is foolish. Marriage is a game. Simple as that. It’s a fucked up game and someone is bound to get hurt in the end. I’ll never put myself in that position again.

  Questions flood my mind. Is taking Emma away from Jamie the best thing to do? Pulling out my phone I call the one person who knows how to help me clear my head. She answers on the first ring.

  “Nicky,” her happy tone makes me smile.

  “Lex I’m doing the right thing…Right?”

  “Of course you are.” She tells someone she’ll be right back and I feel like an ass for bothering her. “Listen, you need to come back home. You’re done in California. There’s nothing left for you. You said Jamie’s gonna be all over Europe and you hate your job. We miss you and Emma. This is the best thin
g that you can do. Believe me, okay?”

  I sit down on my sofa and lean back. Rubbing my tired eyes, trying to wrap my head around this mess. “I feel like I need to follow Jamie for Emma’s sake.”

  “Nicky, what’s that gonna do? You guys both deserve a life and it’s not fair to Emma.”

  “I know.”

  “Then stop moping. Emma’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine. Everything will work out. I have to get back to the conference but text me when you get in. I love you k?”

  “Love you too,” I smile before disconnecting the call.

  My baby sister, Alexis, knows how to get through to me. Since we were young she’s been my best friend and as weird as it seems she knows me better than I know myself.

  It seems as though life is passing me by while I’m standing on the sidelines watching alone. I see people moving on and living their lives, while I’m still figuring mine out. Taking a deep breath I lean my head against the window, playing back Lex’s words and hoping the move is the best answer.

  I look at the time and notice we have to leave for the airport soon. Reaching for my phone again I call Jamie to see where they are. The phone rings twice before she answers.

  “Nicholas.”

  “Jamie we have to leave in an hour. When will you be done with Emma?”

  She laughs causing me irritation. I told myself to calm down and be patient. That’s one of my many downfalls, my impatience. “Don’t worry. We’ll be back soon. Just get the limo ready. My god you’re in a mood!”

  “No I’m not. Just hurry. I don’t want to be late.”

  “Alright alright. See you in fifteen. Bye Nicky.”

  I loathe that nickname. My name is Nicholas not Nicky. “Ten minutes Jamie,” I tell her before disconnecting our call.

  As soon as I get off the phone with Jamie my phone buzzes.

  Larry: Tell me my eyes are lying...You’re moving back?

  Me: Ha yeah. Should be flying out soon. Waiting for Jamie to come back with Emma

  Larry: Hayes...It’ll be good to have you back.

  Me: Yeah it’ll be good to be around family and friends again