Vision of Love

by S. Moose

  “Emma,” he yells out, “Dinner Princess.”

  I’ve seen pictures and heard stories of little Miss Emma. Alexis adores her and from the pictures I’ve seen, this little girl is absolutely adorable. A little blonde, curly hair girl emerges from the hall and stops to look at me.

  “Hi! I’m Emma Grace,” she smiles.

  “Well hello Emma Grace! I’m Karly Lynn!” I move my hair out of my eyes, and proceed to kneel in front of her.

  “Whoa what’s that on your face?”

  “Emma!” Nicholas yells out.

  I put my hand up letting him know it’s okay. “I got into an accident Emma but I’m okay.”

  “Oh whew. Glad you’re okay.” We head back to the kitchen table grabbing a few slices of pizza and pouring soda in our cups.

  “Sorry again about the other night.”

  “It’s alright,” I take a bite of my pizza and let out a soft moan. God pizza is the best invention!

  Dinner goes by fairly well. Emma sure can talk. She tells me about her life in California and her super model mother! I’m not jealous or anything, I mean why would I be?

  Sure he’s beautiful and sexy, and I’ll be living with him for a while, that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything that I dreamed about him the other night, and wonder how his lips will feel on mine. Nope. Doesn’t matter.

  “Alright Princess time to get ready for bed. Why don’t you hop in the shower and then when you’re done I’ll read you a story.”

  “Okay daddy! Night Karly!”

  “Night Emma!”

  Nicholas starts clearing the table and I help. He doesn’t look at me and when our hands touch I swear his body gets tense. Geeze am I that repulsive? Do I smell?

  “Emma’s so cute! Oh my gosh.” I state needing to change my thought process. Nicholas’ body relaxes, but he doesn’t look at me.

  “Yeah she’s fun,” he laughs, turning on the faucet. Nicholas doesn’t say too much more. We clean the kitchen in silence before I head to my room for the night. It’s still pretty early but I can’t be around him any longer. I need space. I need to think. How’s it possible that I’m starting to like him? We just met. I pull out my Kindle and start reading again. It looks like it’s another night with me and my book boyfriends.

  * * * * *

  The door slams shut. I quickly wake up and grab my field hockey stick. Shit where’s Nicholas? I open my door and look at his room. His door’s closed, so shit there’s someone else in the apartment. I creep down the hall with the hockey stick in the air ready to hit someone. I see movement and instantly feel scared.

  “Whoever you are stop what you’re doing…NOW!” The person stops moving and holds up their hands. What the fuck?

  I walk closer to this mystery person ready to knock them out and call the cops. Just as I’m about to hit him he turns around causing me to scream.

  “Nicholas! What the fuck!”

  He breaks out in a laugh and nearly falls to the ground. “I’m sorry! I went for a run tonight and didn’t know I slammed the door.” He stops talking and looks at me, his eyes roaming my body. I follow his eyes and notice that I’m in my black, shorty shorts and a skimpy tank top. Great.

  “So ah yeah I’m sorry I ahem didn’t mean to scare you but why the hell are you out here? You shouldn’t do this.” He takes my stick from my hands and turns back around.

  “And you shouldn’t be slamming doors and scaring the shit outta people!” Really? Who does this annoying man think he is? Forget about sexy, he’s now on my annoying list.

  He smirks, “Well since your awake now wanna play a game?”

  I cross my arms and glare at him. “What are we five or something?”

  Nicholas cocks his head to the left and gives me that damn smirk again. I swear this man is getting on my last nerve with his annoyingness and smirk! “Come sit down with me.”

  “Ooookay.”

  We sit down on the couch, facing one another, as he takes out a quarter from his pocket.

  “Since we’re gonna be living together I thought it’d be fun to get to know each other.” He plays with the quarter in his hands and I wonder what he’s up to. “Heads or tails?”

  “Heads.”

  His eyes widen and turn dark. Did I say something wrong? “Alright so when I toss the coin if it lands on heads then I get to ask you anything and if it lands on tails you get to ask me something.”

  Why do I feel like this is going to be a dangerous game? “And you’re gonna be honest?”

  “Will you be honest?” I nod. “Then I’ll be honest too.”

  Nicholas flips the coin and of course…Heads.

  “I’ll go easy on you. Did you and Neil date?”

  I nod. “We met at UNC my sophomore year and dated, but we broke up. It was mutual. We both will always love each other, but not in that way. He’s my best friend.”

  Seeming satisfied with my answer I flip the quarter. Heads. What the fuck?

  “How’d you and Alexis meet and why are you living here in Wilmington?”

  “Rude,” I huff. “She was my mentor while I was student teaching. We spent a lot of time together and she helped me with a lot. I told her I didn’t wanna go back to Boston, and the schools I applied to in Chapel Hill weren’t working out so Alexis said to move here and she’ll help me.”

  “That’s Alexis for you. She’s always helping people and making sure they’re happy. You’re lucky to have someone like her in your life. Honestly, putting the fact that she’s my sister aside, she’s the best person I know.”

  “Agree. I don’t have a lot of friends; just Neil and Alexis.”

  Nicholas puts his hand on his heart leaning back with a frown on his face. “What about me?”

  “What about you?” I laugh, throwing a pillow at his face. “We just met and right now you’re on my annoying list for waking me up!” I grab the quarter from the table. “My turn to flip! Somehow you’re cheating.” This causes him to let out a full blown laugh.

  I flip the coin and yet again it’s heads! “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I mutter.

  “So since I’m on your annoying list maybe my next question will put me on your shit list and I’m okay with that.” He pauses and I’m scared. “How many guys have you slept with?”

  Keep your cool Erikson. He wants to get a rise out of you. Don’t show him! For the love of everything good and pretty don’t do it! “None. I’m a proud virgin.”

  Nicholas doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even look at me! Is it such a bad thing to be a virgin?

  He flips the coin again and thank God it lands on tails.

  “Why are you really back in Wilmington?”

  “When Emma was just born Jamie walked out on us. It put me in a dark place. I almost lost her.” He pauses looking at his hands, “When she was one I packed up everything and we went to California to get Jamie back. She didn’t wanna see us at first, but, after a while we tried being a family. Jamie and I tried making it work. We were in love for so long before but our story’s over. So she landed a new job and so did I.” He pauses again and I know there’s more to the story that he’s not sharing. I put my hand on his and smile. “After Jamie and dating a few other women I stopped. Nothing else mattered except Emma.”

  “I’m really sorry about you and Jamie.” My heart breaks listening to his story. I can’t believe a mother would walk out on her child. How can you do that? I’m not the one to judge, but I’m judging Jamie pretty hard. Flashes of my own mother come to mind. Even though she didn’t protect me from my dad she still tried to give me everything. Maybe Jamie thought that leaving would be best. Sometimes people make the wrong decisions, but in their mind it’s the right thing to do. That’s the crazy thing about life.You have to make mistakes in order to realize the mistakes help you learn, before making things right.

  “Thanks,” he squeezes my hand and my face turns bright red. Oh damn. We sit in silence for a few minutes. It’s not uncomfortable, but when I
look at Nicholas it seems as though he’s in his own world. There’s something on his mind, but he’s not saying anything. This mysterious and sexy man keeps pulling me in even though I’m trying to back away.

  “You okay?” He nods. “It’s getting late and I have so much to do tomorrow. I’m gonna head to bed. You should too.”

  “Yeah I will soon,” he smiles. “It was fun getting to know you.”

  I slowly get up still holding his hand. He’s not letting go and neither am I. Should I break our contact? “Yeah it was fun even though I think you cheated,” I wink letting his hand go. Something drops in my stomach and I feel something I haven’t felt in a while. This isn’t good. “Night.”

  “Sweet dreams Karly.”

  I turn around and head to my room. When I get in bed I feel a piece of paper under my pillow. It’s from Neil.

  Don’t be afraid to fall in love. Be stupid. Be crazy. Live your life to the fullest. This is only the beginning Karly Lynn Erikson. Stop holding back and let go of your fears. You only live once so make the most of it. Even if I’m thousands of miles away I’m still right next to you.

  I smile while reading his note to me. Neil always has the best things to say. The tears fill my eyes, thinking about him and hoping he finds the answers he needs. “Thanks Neil,” I whisper before closing my eyes and falling into a deep sleep.

  Chapter 4

  Nicholas

  Talking openly about Jamie with Karly brings back the shitty times.

  Jamie and I had that spark when we first met. I thought she was the one. We talked about our future and what we wanted. After high school, Jamie and I moved to New York City and attended Columbia. We were both majoring in business-me with accounting and she with management. Things were great and we fell in love with the city. I asked her to marry me the night before our graduation in Times Square. It was a memorable night and I thought we’d be together until the end.

  The day we graduated I got a phone call about my application with Stanley & Walker offering me the job of a lifetime. I immediately took it without talking to Jamie-mistake number one. She was happy for me but the look of disappointment of moving back to North Carolina was all over her face.

  When we got back to North Carolina, I started at the accounting firm and she worked at her sister’s spa. Things were great. We got married the following year and she found out she was pregnant with Emma a few months after. However, something was off. I should’ve seen it. Jamie wasn’t happy and I tried to do everything I could to get that smile back on her face. Nothing worked. The distance between us was evident. Maybe I was too blind at the time to notice.

  Emma was born on July 23, 2006 at nine fifty five in the morning. She weighed six pounds and six ounces. It was the best birthday present I have received and I was thankful for Emma. A few days later we were back home and that’s when Jamie decided she didn’t want this life, and left us. After almost a year of silence, I took an indefinite leave from the firm and chased after Jamie.

  Leaning against the couch I will myself to stop thinking about her. There’s nothing I could’ve done to make it work. Relationships and marriages shouldn’t be about work; it should be about love and making each other happy. Damn I sound like a fucking woman.

  Blue green eyes flood my mind. What the hell is wrong with me? My second night back home and I’m already opening up to this girl and thinking about her. Shaking my head I walk out of the living room and head towards my room. Meeting Karly and getting to know her isn’t part of my plan, but I guess life has something else lined up for me and I’m just not sure if I’m ready for that. Yet a part of me is ready for something new. I’m drawn to her. She makes me smile and laugh. She’s pure. Innocent. She’s someone that shouldn’t be tainted by my fuckedupness. I have too much baggage and this girl doesn’t deserve pain. She’s the type that wants forever with love and a happily ever after. I’m not sure what that means since I’ve never had a happily ever after except with Emma. Although when she looked at me, really looked at me, I liked that feeling. I liked it when she smiled at me. It’s like she’s seeing the real me without the bullshit I put on. Regardless, I need to stay away.

  * * * * *

  Alexis’ plane lands at two thirty in the afternoon. Emma’s holding a ‘welcome back home’ sign for her Aunt Alexis.

  We spent the morning making breakfast and running errands. Karly wasn’t up yet. I wanted to knock on her door and have her eat breakfast with us, but I stayed away.

  “Aunt Alexis!” Emma squeals jumping up and down. Alexis comes running over to her, bringing her in her arms and twirling her around.

  “Welcome home sis.” I place my arm around her shoulder and pull her in. The bond I have with Alexis is strong. She’s been there for me through the highs and lows. I can honestly say she’s my best friend.

  “Thanks Nicky.”

  “Nicholas,” I mutter. She knows that damn nickname is annoying and I hate it, but she insists on doing it to spite me. I take her carry on and we head to baggage claim. “So I met Karly.”

  “I know.”

  That’s all she says while we’re heading to the garage. I wait for more, but she’s talking to Emma in a hushed voice. Alright she’s being weird. I shake it off and grab her luggage. Alexis doesn’t look at me, her focus is on Emma. When we get in the car they both look at me with a smile on their face.

  “Okay so what’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” they both answer at the same time. “Mom and dad want us to come over tonight for dinner.” Alexis states texting on her phone. “I’m inviting Karly too. You should bring Larry. They haven’t seen him in a while.”

  “Sure. Sounds fun.”

  We get back to the apartment and relax. My mind is going in every direction watching Alexis, Karly and Emma in the kitchen making cookies. Emma’s laughs fill the room. I need to get away and do something.

  Me: Gym?

  Larry: Already here…See you soon

  “Alright girls I’ll be back later. Gonna go work out with Larry.”

  “Have fun daddy!”

  When I get to the gym I hop on the treadmill, put in my ear buds, blast some Usher and start running. ‘Spotlight’ plays and the words hit me. Thoughts of Karly come to mind. She’s a roommate. Someone I just met. There’s no feelings or anything romantic between us. I need a distraction, preferably a brunette with nice boobs and a body to die for. I notice the wondering eyes on me. These women are shameless. I’ve been eye fucked before and it boosts my ego. Shaking my head I focus on my running and breathing. As soon as I close my eyes, boom, she’s in my head.

  Seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? I don’t have feelings for Karly. I don’t.

  I finish my five-mile run, wiping the sweat from my face. Damn that feels good.

  “You good Hayes? Damn that was hard,” Larry states out of breath.

  “Yeah that was good. C’mon let’s go lift.”

  Working out is my outlet to release my stress and frustration. When I’m at the gym or running through the park there’s a sense of clarity and I’m at peace. All the bullshit from my past stays with me, but I don’t let it take over. I have Emma to be strong for. She’s all that matters. I close my eyes and shudder from thoughts of the past.

  It was just me caring for a new born baby. I was twenty-four years old, working for an elite accounting firm. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. She’d lie in her crib screaming and crying. I tried calming her down and carry her throughout the house, but she wouldn’t stop crying. I placed her back in her crib and ran out of the nursery. I found a bottle of Jack and started chugging. Her screams were getting louder and I felt my anger increasing. I drank nearly half the bottle. My vision was getting blurry and I was stumbling around my kitchen. Emma kept crying. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I threw the bottle across the kitchen. It slammed against the wall shattering in pieces. That didn’t drown out her crying so I opened the cabinets and destroyed my kitchen. I punched the walls and screa
med out in frustration. The next thing I remembered was being in my bed. My hand was wrapped and there was a bottle of water on my nightstand. I wasn’t sure what happened. I got up from my bed and walked into Emma’s room. She wasn’t there. I screamed for her and ran down the stairs. I wasn’t expecting to find my parents in the living room holding Emma.

  I felt ashamed. Being a single parent wasn’t going to be easy and I already failed. How could I raise her on my own? I broke down and cried. My dad came over and hugged me. He told me everything was going to be okay and never forget about family and the strength of an army. From that moment I dropped all the bullshit and vowed to be the best parent to Emma.

  We finish our sets and head back to the apartment. “Coming over to dinner?”

  “Damn I miss your mom’s cooking,” Larry responds. “So when were you gonna tell me about your hot new roommate?”

  Jealousy surges through my body and I want to punch my best friend in the face. Of course she’s hot. She’s perfect, but I don’t want him looking or noticing her. I hated the words that came out of his mouth. “I didn’t think it mattered and how the hell do you know?”

  “Alexis told me and when I couldn’t find her on Facebook I checked out Alexis’ page and saw pictures. Damn Hayes. She’s fucking hot. You and her?” He winks.

  “No. She’s off limits.” I can’t touch her or be around her without fucking her up. That’s why Jamie left. Whoever I touch I destroy. It’s better this way.

  “Whatever you say.”

  We make it back to the apartment and take the stairs back up. Each step I take I’m closer to her. I shouldn’t feel dread but I know as soon as I see her I’ll want her. Maybe innocent flirting won’t hurt and it’ll ease the pain. Seeing that smile on her face and her embarrassment would be worth it. I’d do anything to see her smile and happy. On the contrary being in a relationship isn’t in it for me. I need to keep fighting my attraction towards her. Everyone will win if I do that.