Vision of Love

by S. Moose

  We go back to the bar and order one more round before leaving. I’m not sure what happened on the dance floor, but I know one thing for sure; I really like him.

  * * * * *

  “Bradley, please don’t leave me,” I sobbed holding his hand. “I don’t have anyone else. You’re my life.”

  I saw the tears soaking his eyes. Why was he leaving me? I thought we were fine. He was here for me every day and promised me forever. He looked away from me and shook his head. “Let me go Karly. I’m sorry, alright? We’re not meant for each other. It’s been a fun four years, but did you really think we’d go off to college still dating?” The coldness in his voice sent chills down my body. There was no love or happiness.

  “Y-yes,” I sobbed again. I hated crying. It’s all I’ve been doing for the past four weeks. My life was ruined. I was alone and damaged. “I-I don’t have anyone. You promised me forever. You promised that you’d always take care of me.”

  “Promises are meant to be broken.” He turned his head and looked at me. His green eyes lost the love that was there before when he was looking at me. His love was gone. “I gotta go, alright? Good luck with everything. Maybe one day...” his voice trailed off. He pulled back his arm and walked out the hospital doors without looking back. I screamed for Bradley to come back, but no one was coming back.

  I wake up suddenly in a pool of sweat. “What the fuck?” I haven’t thought of Bradley in so long. Why’s he invading my dreams? Ugh. After a great night with Nicholas I think about Bradley? I’m truly fucked up. I look and see that it’s three in the morning.

  Quietly I get up and head to the kitchen for a glass of water. It’s dark when I open the door. I make it to the kitchen and drink the cold water. When I set the glass down on the counter my mind goes back to Bradley. It’s weird how he’s slowly invading my thoughts. We haven’t talked since he left me in the hospital. The last I heard he’s some big shot in New York City. Looks like he got everything he wanted.

  “Get it together, Karly.” I head back to my bedroom and fall back asleep.

  The Monday morning air swiftly hits my face as I run along the shore. The sun is slowly rising and I love hearing the sounds of the water crash. Running helps me clear my head and puts things back in perspective. Pushing myself the last leg of my run before slowing down to walk. The beach is quiet this morning. There are a few people out walking their dogs and running like me.

  “Karly?”

  I quickly turn around and see Bradley jogging over to me. Holy shit this isn’t happening!

  “Bradley?” He runs over to me and stops a few feet from me. I’m not sure how to react or what to say. I yell at myself for staring at him and not turning around. I have to remember this is the guy that ripped out my heart and stomped on it while I lay in the hospital bed alone and scared.

  “I knew that was you. Wow, it’s been so long. How are you?” He comes to me, opening his arms and bringing me in for a hug. I’m not sure what to do. Should I hug him back? A few seconds pass before I hug him back. This is weird. Oh my God this isn’t happening! How is my ex here?

  “Um, I’m good. You?”

  Bradley starts laughing and shows me his incredible smile. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I should be mad. I should hate him and tell him off, but I can’t. Honestly I’m a little relieved to see him.

  “I’m great. I just moved here a few weeks ago. Got a job as an assistant coach for UNCW. I ah heard you were here, but never thought I’d see you again.” Suddenly the beach feels really small. I’m standing in front of my high school sweetheart in my shorts and pullover. Nervous? Oh God yes. I cannot believe this is happening! “Can I walk with you? I’m done with my run.”

  Everything’s telling me to say ‘no’ and tell him to drop dead. But there are still so many questions I want to ask him, and a lot of those questions start with ‘why.’

  “Sure that’s fine.” Of course I give in.

  We walk close to the shore in silence, admiring the nature around us. This is how it used to be with Bradley. We’d wake up in the morning and go for a run through the park.

  We were big into sports during school. He was on the basketball team and I played soccer and track. Back in high school it was easy. He knew about my parents and kept me safe. When things got bad at home I ran to be with him. Nothing ever happened between us though and I wondered if anything would have if we stayed together. I wonder if we’d be married with kids or something by now.

  Once everyone found out about my dad’s debt, gambling, and drug addiction I was looked at like a leech. No one wanted to be around me. I was shunned. I was tainted. It sucked being alone, but at least I knew who my true friends were. No one.

  “What happened to basketball? You were on a scholarship in Connecticut.”

  “Yeah I was, but it wasn’t for me anymore. I lost my passion my junior year and it never came back so I focused more on the coaching and training side.” His voice is soft and full of regret. Our hands brush, but I don’t feel anything.

  “I’m sorry.” Basketball was his world. He had his eye on Connecticut since we were young.

  “How’s life in NC?”

  “Good. I got done at UNC in Chapel Hill and just moved here. I like it. It’s different from Boston you know?”

  “Yeah.” We fall quiet again and walk for a few more minutes before turning back and head toward the parking lot.

  “So how are your parents? What else is going on?” I sound way too happy.

  Bradley throws his head and laughs. “I miss your voice, Karly. Always wondering and asking questions. Some things don’t change.” I nod my head and drink my water. “My parents are good. They got divorced. Mom’s in Australia or wherever. We haven’t talked in a while. Dad’s here with me. We got closer since the divorce.”

  “I’m sorry about your parents.” I want to talk about anything except us.

  “Na it’s alright. I tried looking you up but no luck.” I wonder why he did that. “I thought about you a lot and wondered how you were doing, you know?”

  I’m not sure if shocked is the word but what he’s telling me leaves me speechless. Why is he telling me this all of a sudden? It’s out of nowhere but it’s not making me uncomfortable or sad. I’m actually feeling happy. “Yeah I kinda disappeared and wanted to focus on myself.” My voice trails off remembering my lonely years. I shake off the dwelling feelings and tell myself that those years are in the past and I’m okay now. I’m not alone anymore. “Why’d you think about me?” Damn!

  “I never wanted to break up with you Karly.” He turns to face me but I stay where I am. I can’t face him. “My mom threatened to take away my trust fund and leave me with nothing. I was scared. She thought you would ruin me.”

  “You shoulda known better, Bradley. You shoulda known I would never do that. I needed you Bradley.” I put my head down. I can’t let him see my pain. I trusted him with my life and then he turns around and leaves me when I needed him the most. I shouldn’t be giving him my time! So why am I standing here looking at him and listening to his bullshit?

  “I know, and I’ll never forgive myself. Maybe we can be friends? I’m here now and I wanna make things better. I know I have a lot to make up for and it’s gonna take time, but I’m willing to wait. When I heard you were here I did everything I could to get the job at UNCW. Being close to you is all I’ve ever wanted.” I nod my head, not sure what else to say. I understand what he’s saying. When I close my eyes I remember all of our happy times, but then flashes of his betrayal come back.

  “Why are you telling me all of this? It’s not fair,” I move away, but he grabs my arm.

  “Just give me a second chance to be in your life again. Even if we don’t end up together I still wanna be friends. Karly, you were my best friend. You’re still my best friend. I don’t care how long it’s been since we talked. I’ve always wondered what it’ll be like to see you again.” His hand strokes my scar and I see the look of guilt in his eyes. “I
’m sorry I left you alone.”

  “Yeah well you were my best friend and someone I loved, but you left me when I needed you the most. I was left alone, Bradley. You know that everyone left me. I had no one.”

  He looks away from me. “I’m sorry,” he mutters. “I was stupid. I shouldn’t have left you but what was I supposed to do? I needed my trust fund!”

  “Whatever, I guess money means more.” This shuts him up. Ugh how can he irritate me this quickly?

  “I’m sorry. I know I crossed a line.”

  “Ya think? You’re such a fucking jerk.”

  “I know I am. Do you know why I lost my passion for basketball?” I shake my head. “It’s because of you. Do you remember how you would come to all of my games and cheered me on? When I got to UConn I didn’t have that. Sure I had fans and they were awesome, but when I’d look at the bleachers you weren’t there. You never missed any of my games. You were my personal cheerleader. It got lonely for me too. I tried moving on and being with other girls, but no one compared to you.”

  I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. I can’t have him get to me. We’re over. We’ve been over. “Bradley why are you telling me all of this?”

  “I just want a second chance.”

  “Can I think about it?” That’s the best I can do. It’s not a ‘no’ or a ‘yes.’

  He smiles and inches closer to me, “Can I get your number?”

  “Yeah.” He hands me his phone and I program in my number. I’m not sure why I’m even doing this, but everything happens for a reason and Bradley coming back in my life means something to me. “I gotta get going. I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Alright. It was good seeing you.”

  “You too.”

  When I get to my car I quickly drive away and head back to the apartment. I make my way inside and take the stairs instead of the elevator. My phone vibrates and I know it’s him.

  Bradley: It was good seeing you Snuggles. You look good...

  Me: Thanks Bradley. You look good too...Snuggles?

  Bradley: I still remember everything from the past...

  Snuggles is the nickname he gave me when we started dating. That’s all we’d do when I slept over. We’d snuggle. The nickname stuck with me. I haven’t thought of it until now.

  Me: Have a good day, Bradley.

  I put my phone away and head inside while shaking away thoughts of Bradley and how the hell I’m going to be okay. It’s strange having him back. After our talk and listening to what happened, a part of me wants him in my life but as a friend. There are no romantic feelings and I can’t move back in my life.

  Heading inside the apartment, I see Nicholas in the kitchen making coffee.

  “Hey,” he says walking over to me, kissing my cheek. Oh Lord this isn’t good.

  “Hi!” Okay too cheery.

  “You should’ve woken me up. I would’ve went running with you.”

  “Next time how about that,” I smile forgetting everything about Bradley. Life’s about moving forward and that’s what I’m doing. “Did Alexis leave already?” He nods his head. “Where’s Emma?”

  “Bathroom. She should be out soon.” He hands me a piece of paper. “Here’s a list of important numbers and things she likes and doesn’t like. Don’t worry about any food allergies or anything like that. I’m looking into some Pre Schools for her now. Hopefully a school will accept her even though it’s late in the year.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll do some research. What should we do today?”

  “She loves the beach and being outside. Just ask her. She’ll tell you what she likes and hates.” Nicholas grabs his Starbucks coffee mug and looks at his watch. “Alright I’m heading out. If you need me just text me k?” I nod. “Thanks again Karly.”

  “You’re welcome. Have a good first day!”

  “You too,” he winks before leaving.

  “Alright Princess Emma! Let’s get breakfast and have fun today!”

  The day flies by so fast. After breakfast Emma and I head to the park and I watch her playing with other kids on the playground. I bring her to a nearby spa for mani and pedi’s. Emma’s eyes grew wide when we walked in. Hopefully Nicholas won’t be too upset.

  When we get home Emma goes down for a nap giving me a chance to get some organizing done in my bedroom. By the time I’m done with my bedroom it’s nearly three in the afternoon. I place a few orders online and throw away the boxes. I desperately need a shower after moving all those boxes around and putting everything away. I check on Emma before showering. At least the girl can nap!

  I turn on the water and stand under the cascading shower. Before I know it tears are running down from my eyes. Why did Bradley have to come back into my life? What am I going to do? It’s not fair he’s back! It shouldn’t be hard seeing him around, but it is. Memories of our past won’t stop coming back to me. My heart still hurts from the betrayal and lies. Will history repeat itself? I’ve always been a believer that everything happens for a reason so what reason would make sense for Bradley moving to Wilmington?

  On top of worrying about Bradley I’m confused about what’s going on between Nicholas and me. You don’t go around kissing your friends without an explanation! His kisses make the butterflies in my stomach go wild. I love the feel of his lips against mine and that’s the problem. My feelings for Nicholas are getting stronger and I’m not sure how much longer I can control myself.

  Turning off the water in the shower I let out a sigh and shake away thoughts of Bradley and Nicholas. I feel weak and sluggish getting out of the shower. My eyes are puffy and red. I’m glad no one’s home yet. I head back to my room, throw on my yoga pant and an oversized UNC shirt. I grab my laptop and head to the living room, trying to get my mind off the fact Bradley’s back and how I have no idea what’s going on between Nicholas and I.

  When I pass Emma’s room again I look inside and see that she’s still sleeping. It’s been about four hours. Is that normal?

  Me: Hey! Sorry to bother you at work, but Emma’s still sleeping? She’s been out since 1

  Nicholas doesn’t text back and I’m not sure what to do. I settle on the couch in the living room and pull up a few school districts seeing if there are any jobs available. Each click brings me to a new page with the same information “Currently we are not hiring, but please submit your application.” At this point I’ll never be a teacher. All of my hard work is going down the drain. Why’s it so hard finding a job?

  I click out of the web pages and get some cleaning done in the apartment to get my mind off the reality of life. While doing the dishes my phone vibrates on the counter.

  Nicholas: Can you wake her up? She normally sleeps for about 3-4 hours. Thanks. How was she today?

  Me: Good. We went to the park and then went to the spa. Her nails are so cute! Hope it’s okay

  Nicholas: That’s fine as long as you two had fun. I should be home by 6 tonight

  Me: Sounds good!

  Nicholas: Let’s get dinner tonight. You and me.

  I smile at the text. He wants to get dinner with me tonight. Another night with Nicholas.

  Me: Ok =)

  I get up and head in to wake up the Princess. Hope she’s not grumpy!

  * * * * *

  Alexis meets me at the boutique for an emergency shopping date. I’m frantic. I sweep through the store trying to find the perfect dress. Why the hell is this so hard?

  Nicholas: I can’t wait to see you tonight

  Swoon! I’m not sure what to say to him. Do I say ‘me too’ or ‘same here.’ “Alexis!”

  “Girl, you okay?” I hand her my phone and sift through the dresses again. “Awww my brother is totally loving you!”

  “Eeeeeek! Shut up! He’s not.” I stop what I’m doing and turn around. “I mean I’m not that pretty and my scars. He kept touching my face and I let him. Neil was never able to touch my scars and I’ve known him for over two years!”

  Why does Nicholas want to
see me again? Yeah we live together, but I wonder if I’m going to live with him when the house is done. Shit there’s so many questions I have in my head. Do I ask him? Do I wait? Crap, this wasn’t hard when Neil and I were together.

  “Honey stop okay? Nicholas likes you for you. Don’t let your scars hold you back. You’re so beautiful inside and out. You have the biggest heart I know, and there’s this fire in you that I’ve seen grow since we met. I’m not gonna keep telling you this, so chin up!”

  I sigh, “Fine!” I get up and look through the dresses again. “Oh he kissed me last night and we danced.”

  “SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR.”

  “Yeah! I know!” Alexis fist pumps the air and jumps up and down. “What the hell is your deal?”

  “Nicky never dances! NEVER!”

  For some reason this hits me and brings that stupid, cheesy smile on my face. He danced with me.

  * * * * *

  Three hours later I’m putting the finishing touches on my hair and pulling out my lip-gloss. I remember Nicholas’ kisses from last night and this morning. The kissed that sent chills all the way down my body. How can a simple kiss turn me on? Shit I’m in so much trouble tonight. I take one last look in the mirror and head out to meet him.

  Alexis and Larry are keeping Emma while we go out. It’ll be nice to spend time with him again. I fan myself and calm my beating heart. I hate being so nervous! “It’s just a second date. Be cool. Don’t be dumb,” I say to myself. A part of me wants to run away and hide in my room, but the other part is excited. What if this works out and we can be happy together? When I step into the living room my breath catches in my throat. He’s wearing black pants with a dark blue button down shirt. Holy crap on a stick! You can see his muscles and oh my word is he ripped. Dirty thoughts play in my head.

  “Hi,” Nicholas said, coming towards me brushing his lips on my cheek. “You’re so beautiful.” I shake my head. It’s hard for me to believe him. I hate not having the confidence I should have. Nicholas takes my hand and puts it on his heart. “Do you feel that?” I nod. “This is what you do to me. Each time I look at you I get this feeling, you know?”