“Why would I pissed at you, Tyler?”
He shrugged. “I promised to look after you and I didn’t. You have to know that I’d never break a promise like that unless I absolutely couldn’t help it.”
I released a sigh. “Seriously, Tyler, I’m sure you had a great reason for taking off the way you did. But, it’s not like we’re in a relationship or anything. You’re here because you feel bad about breaking my ankle. I’m not naïve enough to think that it’s anything other than that. So, forget it. I’m not pissed.”
He glanced at me. “You’re pissed,” he stated with great authority.
“Oh, because you know me so well?”
“Yeah, I know you, sweetheart, and I’m pretty sure I’ve even told you that I like you. So I’m suggesting that you get the whole pity friendship bullshit idea out of your head and accept that I’m around because I like you.”
“You don’t know me at all,” I mumbled, feeling totally uncomfortable with the rest of what he said. I wasn’t sure why. I guess I just didn’t really believe it. We were never friends before I broke my ankle, and the time he spent away made me really struggle to see how suddenly, everything changed and we were friends or whatever we were supposed to be. It didn’t make sense to me.
He reached out and placed his hand over mine, entwining our fingers. “I know you, Sarah. And I like you. And I’m going to keep turning up to hang out with you. Deal with it.”
“Fine,” I replied, still looking out the window but secretly, my pulse was racing at a million miles an hour from the fact he was holding my hand as we drove. God, I missed him, and no matter how hard I tried to be angry at him, that simple gesture made my heart sing. I was a mess, and Tyler Lohan was going to break my heart. I could feel it, but I wanted him anyway.
9
“SO, WHAT exactly is going on with you and Tyler?” Janesa asked from where she sat sunning herself on the edge of the pool. “You were the first thing he asked about when he called Alex.”
“Thing?” I repeated, sitting on the edge of a deck chair with my curly hair pulled back in a ponytail and my sunglasses shielding my eyes from the sun as I spread sunscreen over my fair skin. The end of Spring was proving to be warmer than average with temperatures reaching the high thirties – perfect swimming weather but intolerable study weather. It was predicted that Australia’s summer was going to be one of the hottest on record.
“Don’t be so pedantic, you know what I mean,” she replied, holding her hand out for the bottle of sunscreen when I was finished with it.
“Aren’t we supposed to be studying?” I asked, looking over to where Alex and Tyler were talking in the pool house.
“It’s too hot to study, Sarah. And if we don’t know our shit by now, we’re going to make really horrible physiotherapists.”
“True,” I replied, still watching the men.
“And you’re avoiding. What’s going on between you two?”
I let out a sigh and tore my eyes away, staring out over at the blue sparkling water of the large rectangular pool. “I have no idea what’s going on,” I answered finally.
“Well, he obviously likes you. Even Alex says so.”
“Alex is the authority on all things Tyler is he?”
She shrugged her tiny tanned shoulder. “They are best friends. He said that Tyler doesn’t really hang out with girls like he does with you. He said he must really like you.”
“Or he just feels really guilty for making me fall so he’s confusing that for guilt for some other sort of feeling.”
“You can’t seriously believe that?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what I believe.”
“Jesus, Sarah, I always knew you were cynical, but I didn’t think it was this bad. Why can’t you just accept that someone likes you and be happy with that?”
“Because it isn’t that simple. This isn’t just some guy I met in passing and clicked with. This is some guy that I’ve known for forever, but never been friends with. Then all of a sudden, I break my ankle and he’s into me? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
“Are you saying that Alex isn’t really into me either?” she asked, her face slightly aghast.
“What? Oh no, I don’t think that at all, Nesa. I’m really happy for you guys, you seem really great for each other.”
“Then why wouldn’t you and Tyler be great for each other?”
I looked down at my feet, and the chipped toenail polish that was still hanging on from when he painted them for me. “I don’t know. We just aren’t. He might think we are, but we aren’t.”
“Name one reason why.”
“There are heaps of reasons,” I argued.
“OK, so name one.”
Looking up at the clear blue sky, I rolled my eyes. “We’re different people.”
“Lame! Try again.”
“I don’t know – he’s hot, I’m not?”
“Ehhh!” The sound she made was like a game show buzzer for when the contestant gave the wrong answer. “Try again.”
“He likes to eat healthy – I like junk.”
“Oh my god, Sarah,” she laughed. “These are the worst excuses I’ve ever heard.”
“They’re legitimate concerns – what about the fact that everyone says he just goes walkabout every few months and no one hears from him for a couple of weeks? That’s major.”
“So what? You just find out where he goes and why he goes and you’re sweet. You are making this way huger than it needs to be.”
“Huger? You’re about to graduate university, and you used the word ‘Huger’.”
Tipping her head back, she laughed. “All right, Miss Smarty-pants, what word should I have used?”
“Drink?” Alex interrupted, holding out two bottles of Tooheys Extra Dry.
“Thanks, babe,” Janesa said, as he leaned down and gave her this passionate kiss that had her giggling and me cringing and trying to rescue my beer before they managed to knock it over.
Tyler held out his hand. “Want to get out of the sun for a bit?” he asked, as I slipped my hand into his and he pulled me up from the seat then handed me my crutches, switching them out for my beer before he walked alongside me and we took a seat in the pool house.
Overhead, the ceiling fan whirred, moving the warm air as it flowed in through the open doors. “I told you there wouldn’t be a lot of studying going on with those two,” he said handing me back my beer.
I took a sip and nodded. “We can study if you like,” I suggested.
He shook his head and leaned back on the lounge, the wicker creaking beneath his weight as he rested his head against the back cushion. “I’m far too tired to study, I’d much rather just hang out.”
“There’s definitely an appeal to that,” I agreed, leaning back into the couch with him and resting my newly booted foot on the cane table in front of us as I nursed my beer in my hand.
For a moment, we sat there not saying anything, just watching as Janesa and Alex played around like a couple of teenagers, and I let out a laugh when Alex picked up a squealing Janesa and threw her into the pool before tucking his legs up and bombing into the water beside her. The resulting splash was large enough that some water made it through the open doors and into the pool house.
“That was impressive,” I said, turning to face Tyler. It was just supposed to be a glance, but there was an intensity in his eyes when they locked with mine, and I somehow got caught, and I couldn’t look away.
Reaching between us, he entwined his fingers with mine then lifted our joined hands and pressed a soft kiss to each of my knuckles.
“What are we doing, Tyler?” I asked in a whisper, not really sure what was going on and why this was even happening.
“Living in the moment and trying not to be afraid of the future,” he stated, and briefly, I wondered if that was just a line that he used on girls, but it didn’t really matter, because the moment his lips touched mine, I fell for it, and I kissed him back.
It
started off slow as his lips brushed gently over mine, sucking gently, brushing upward, testing my response. Then his other hand slid along the side of my neck, his fingers curving just along my jaw and behind my ear, cradling my head as I parted my lips and allowed him entry, the first taste of his tongue warm and clean, as if he’d just had a drink of water.
Our tongues slid against each other, taking turns exploring the other’s mouth, our kisses deepening as my body heated and my head spun in a way that was even more wonderful than the very first time I was kissed. This kiss was filled with so much more, it was filled with passion, and longing, and other emotions I didn’t yet know how to identify. It was as if he was kissing me as though his life depended on it, and in return I did the same. I kissed him with everything I had. I kissed him without burden. I kissed him as though it would be the first time and the last time we kissed. I kissed as though I never wanted to let him go, and I kissed him as though I knew I’d have to, because kissing him felt like everything that was right in this world. But, in the back of my mind, I still couldn’t stop that voice from telling me that he didn’t really want me. He just felt sorry for me.
“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” Janesa hooted with a giggle, causing me to pull away abruptly and slip my hand free, wiping it over my kiss-sore mouth.
“Oh, don’t stop on our account,” Alex added with a grin. “We were just coming in to get another drink.”
“It’s fine,” I said, my cheeks flaming red as I put the beer that’d turned warm in my hand on the low table. “I should go anyway. Um…thanks for the beer and the lifts and all that,” I mumbled, trying to gather my crutches and stand before searching the room, trying to remember where I put my bag.
“Don’t go, Sarah, stay,” Janesa insisted.
I shook my head, feeling embarrassed and confused and just wanting to go home and try to figure out what was going on in my mind. There was only one problem – I hadn’t been the one to drive here. In fact, I still couldn’t drive with my foot in the brace.
“I’ll drive you then,” Tyler said, standing by the doorway with my bag in his hand.
“Sure,” I conceded, knowing I didn’t really have much choice in the matter. “I’ll um…see you later,” I said to the others, waving a little before following Tyler out. Janesa called out after me, telling me she’d call me later, and I nodded then continued after Tyler until we reached his car and he once again went to help me in to the cab. But, he didn’t lift me straight away. Instead, he stood with his hands on my hips, looking down at me with his eyes filled with confusion.
“Are you afraid of me?” he asked, moving his eyes between mine.
Taking a deep breath, my chest ached and my mind warred with giving him an answer and potentially embarrassing myself, or telling him to back off to protect myself. It took a lot of effort for me to actually force the words that finally did come out from my throat. “I’m not afraid of you, Tyler. I’m afraid of the way you make me feel.”
“How do I make you feel, sweetheart?” he whispered, his thumbs rubbing small circles against my skin, sending delicious waves of pleasure rippling through my body.
“Like I’ll never get over you.”
“You will,” he murmured, just as he brought his lips down on mine and kissed me as he lifted me into the passenger seat of his car. And even though I was being lifted, I felt as though I was falling, falling for a man I didn’t think I would ever really have, and it scared the crap out of me. I was warned he was going to break my heart, and I knew he probably would, but I just couldn’t stop myself from wanting every moment I spent with him.
10
THE RED numbers of the digital clock glared at me from on top of my chest of drawers. Tyler had brought me home and left me at my door with another toe curling kiss. I’d wanted to invite him in, but I couldn’t. I needed some time on my own to really think about what was happening with him, and if I could handle feeling something for a guy like him – a guy that came and went as he pleased. It made me feel sure that anything I’d have with him would be fleeting, and in the long run, I’d end up just like Nancy, wishing I’d had more of him.
I tried to remember a time when I’d seen him with a steady girlfriend, and I realised that I’d never seen him with a girlfriend at all. Sure, I’d seen him with girls, there were always girls, but there was never one girl, and the thought bothered me because I really wanted to be his girl – the girl.
What was I setting myself up for? Would we have a great time for a while then he’d up and leave without warning like he did a couple of weeks before? I didn’t know if I could handle that. I already felt so damn needy around him, and just thinking about him hurt my chest and caused my stomach to start churning with nerves and desire, and oh god, the way he kissed me…that was seriously the most wonderful kiss – kisses – I’d ever experienced. How was I supposed to deal with having that then it being over when he took off again? What if the next time he came back, he gave me the ‘I’m shit at relationships’ speech? I didn’t think I could do that.
I thought about what he’d said about living in the moment and not worrying about the future, and I wondered if I could be that carefree. I didn’t know if I could, I’d always been such a planner – I’d spent my life planning my escape from Moama then I spent my university years, planning what I was going to do when it was all over. All I’ve ever done is look to and prepare for the future. I’ve never lived in the moment. Was it even possible for someone like me to just be?
By the time I fell asleep, it was almost four am, and my sleep was plagued by dreams of Tyler. Some were wonderful, some were well…erotic in nature, and others well, they caused me to wake with a start because it was in those dreams he left me heartbroken.
I was afraid of Tyler Lohan. I was afraid, because I’d secretly been in love with him for most of my life, and I was petrified of having everything I ever really wanted then losing it all to the whims of whatever it was that drove him away. I wasn’t like his friends. I couldn’t just shrug and say ‘Oh well, he’ll be back.’ It just wouldn’t work that way for me, each unexplained disappearance would kill me. I needed to know why he left.
***
Morning announced itself with the bleating sound of a reversing delivery truck for the post office downstairs, and I let out a groan, not wanting to wake when I’d finally fallen into a somewhat restful sleep.
I was after ten, but I still felt exhausted and wasn’t keen on getting out of bed and showering to start my day when I knew that at some point, I’d have to deal with what was going on with Tyler and me.
Not that I had long to wait. In true Tyler fashion, he was sitting in my apartment at the table. It looked as though he was studying.
“Hey,” he said with a small smile.
“Did you get a key cut to my apartment or something?”
“No. I have the spare from when I was staying here last time. I did knock.”
“It’s fine. I kind of missed waking up to you in my house while you were gone.”
“I’ll be sure to stick around then,” he said before standing up from the chair.
“Will you? Because everyone says you don’t stick around at all.”
His eyes met mine with a longing that made my heart lurch in my chest. “If you don’t want me, sweetheart, I can go. It’s OK.”
I blinked quickly to clear the sudden burst of emotion that pricked the back of my eyes. “No. I want you, Tyler. Stay.”
Pressing his lips together, he dropped his eyes as he nodded then thumbed over his shoulder toward the kitchen. “Hungry?” he asked.
I reached up and ran my hand over what felt like a bird’s nest of tangles in my hair. “I was going to take this thing off my foot and take a proper shower first.”
“Are you supposed to take it off?”
“Honestly, I don’t even care. I just want to wash my skin and shave my legs so it feels semi normal again.”
“Fair enough,” he smiled. “Do you…d
o you want me to help you remove it carefully?”
I looked down at the massive boot covering my foot and most of my leg. “Ah, sure.”
Nodding once, he followed me into the bathroom where I sat on the edge of the bathtub and he knelt in front of me, very carefully undoing the Velcro straps of the boot before slipping his hand around my calf and sliding the boot away. Then he moved his fingers to the cream coloured pressure sock that reached to my knee and I clapped my hands on his to stop him.
“It is super hairy and gross under there,” I explained.
He grinned. “I promise not to hold it against you,” he murmured, as he carefully pulled the fabric back down my leg, his fingers gently massaging the muscle and working out some of the aching that had been plaguing me since my cast was first put on.
“That feels ridiculously good,” I moaned, allowing my eyes to close as his nimble fingers worked like magic against my skin, kneading my muscle and heating my body. I loved having his hands on me.
When he stood, I almost reached for him, wanting him to stay, but I remained with my hands firmly at my sides, and watched as he leaned over and ran the bath, waiting for the water to heat before adding the cold and some aromatic bath oils that smelt of vanilla when they hit the rising water.
Then he held his hand out to me, and I stood, keeping my weight off my right foot as he encircled me in his arms and brought his lips to mine. I moaned as his tongue made contact, responding fervently as I allowed myself to hold him this time, sliding my arms up around his neck, and my fingers into his thick hair.
As his fingers slid up underneath the grey cotton lace edged singlet I’d slept in, they travelled up along the skin of my back, all the way up to my shoulders underneath the fabric, heating my skin as they moved around to my ribs and stopped right there, his thumbs gripping so close to the underside of my breasts, heavy with desire.
Then he moved his hands back down, lifting the hem of my singlet as he pushed it upwards, and I raised my arms as he lifted it over my head.
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