“Why would I ever ask you to stop?” I whispered, tears burning the backs of my eyes because I wanted so much to understand him.
“Because one day, just looking at me will hurt you.”
Tears fell from my eyes and landed on the pillow, dampening the side of my face. One slid and settled on the side of my nose, and I wiped it away as I looked into his light eyes and released a slow breath as he took my hand in his, and kissed the damp on my fingers.
“See,” he said. “It’s already begun.”
The moment those words left his mouth, my heart went out to him, and I had a great urge to kiss him with everything I had in me, showing him exactly how beautiful the feelings we shared really were as we spent the morning taking and giving pleasure from each other’s bodies.
And as we lay together afterward, tired and drifting in and out of sleep, I trailed my fingertips along the groove between his pecs and between his abs. Then I pressed a kiss to the space above his heart, thinking about everything he said while wondering just how broken his mind really was, and wishing there was something I could do to help him.
“For the record,” I said after a while. “I didn’t think you were gross back in school. I was just jealous that you were prettier than me.”
His chest bounced lightly with a chuckle. “No one’s prettier than you, sweetheart, you’re as perfect as they come.”
***
After Tyler’s mum walked in on us sleeping, we began to spend most of our time at my apartment. With my foot completely free of the cast, there was no reason for him to complain about my death trap stairs anymore, and really, there was a quaint comfort being in my small space as opposed to his huge one. I guess mine just felt more like home.
“I kind of wish we didn’t have to do this whole cap and gown business,” I said, pulling two bowls out of the cupboard so we could have muesli for breakfast. Long gone were my Pop Tarts. Tyler had been a healthy eating advocate and slowly turned me to his ways. Not that I minded, I only really ate junk because I was too lazy to shop or cook, but Tyler did both those things, so I would just eat whatever he put in front of me. I was kind of like a garbage disposal that way.
“I don’t think it’s that bad,” he responded, pulling the milk from the fridge and placing it on the bench. “Are your parents coming to watch?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “Yours?”
“Yeah, well, mum is. Not dad of course.”
“Can I ask what the deal is with your dad? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
He rubbed his eye with his knuckle as he thought for a moment. “He doesn’t really have a deal. He just decided he couldn’t handle me, and him and mum starting fighting until mum and I moved out and they divorced. It’s pretty cut and dry.” Frowning, he rubbed at his eye again.
“Are you saying you blame yourself for your mum and dad breaking up?”
“There’s no blame going on, I’m just stating a fact, and the fact of the matter is, my dad is a douche bag.” He rubbed at his eye again.
“Is there something in your eye? Do you want me to check?”
“It’s just a bit sore, I’m fine,” he said, waving me off.
“Let me see. There might be an eyelash in there or something,” I said, reaching up and trying to check for him.
“There isn’t,” he insisted, flinching out of the way. “Leave it.”
“All right, sorry, I was just trying to help.”
He held up a hand. “Well, don’t, OK? Stop watching and analysing everything I do. I’m fucking fine,” he snapped.
I stepped back, frowning. “OK,” I said, trying not to watch him, even though he seemed really flustered over something so simple. Stress radiated off his body and his movement was somewhat jerky and much less graceful than it normally was. All I wanted to do was hold him and somehow help whatever was happening with his mind in that moment. But, I didn’t know what was happening, and I didn’t know what to do then he moved and one of the bowls fell and rolled straight onto the tiles and smashed, sending dry muesli shooting across the floor.
“Fuck,” he yelled, causing me to jump and gasp. Then he just grabbed his keys and headed for the door.
“Wait. Where are you going?” I called after him.
He stopped and stood in the open doorway without looking back at me. “I’m sorry. I have to go. I’ll…I’ll call you,” he said, stepping through the door and closing it gently behind him.
I looked at the mess on the floor then down at my bare feet and tried to pick my way across the floor without getting shards of ceramic lodged in the soles of my foot so I could go after him to make sure he was OK. But, when I got out the door, he’d already made it to the landing.
“Tyler!” I called down, watching the top of his head before he stopped and looked up. “Talk to me. Don’t leave,” I pleaded. “I just want to help you.”
“You can’t,” he said simply, and then he was gone and I was left standing in my pyjamas, knowing that I wouldn’t see him again for god only knew how long.
Tears burned the back of my eyes as I wondered if I could really do this. Could I really be the girl who waited and just accepted what was going on without explanation? I didn’t know if I could. This felt horrible.
***
“Where’s Tyler?” Janesa asked when I met her and Alex to pick up our caps and gown for graduation the next day.
I shrugged. “He wigged out yesterday morning and took off. I don’t know what the hell happened.”
“He’ll be back,” Alex said, walking along with his arm around Janesa’s shoulders. “He always comes back.”
“I love how you say that like he’s the terminator or something,” I responded with a shake of my head. “I’m legitimately worried about him.”
“Hey, I get that. But, I’ve been friends with the guy for years, and I’m telling you that he does stuff like this. One minute he’s there and he’s fine and then you don’t see him for a week or two – sometimes even a month. But, he always comes back.”
“But where does he go? Why does he go? I don’t understand this, and I really want to.”
“And I’m sure that if he wants you to know, he’ll tell you in his own time.”
“Surely he’ll be at graduation tomorrow though?” Janesa said, horrified that anyone would want to miss their moment in the spotlight.
Alex shrugged. “Maybe he will. Maybe he won’t,” he supposed then he turned his attention to me. “But my advice to you, is to just give him space and trust him. He loves you, he’ll come back.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “What do you know that I don’t?” I asked.
“Yeah, what do you know?” added Janesa. “What is he, schizophrenic or something?”
“No,” he said with a dismissive laugh. “It’s nothing like that at all. I just know he’ll come back. End of fucking story.”
“If you say so,” I responded, hoping he was completely wrong and that when I got home later, Tyler would be sitting there waiting for me, ready to tell me that he was going to base jump off the top of Sydney Tower or something. I had to have hope. Even though I knew it was a possibility, it hurt too much to think that he’d disappear on me when he knew how much I loved him, and claimed that he loved me too...
16
HE WASN’T there. In fact, he wasn’t at graduation either, and he wasn’t answering his phone, or his texts, or his door. At the graduation ceremony, I stood with friends and family, and I smiled for the photos like I was supposed to. I told my mum and dad how grateful I was to them for helping me out over the years so I could chase my dreams. I did everything right. I just had a gaping Tyler sized hole in the world beside me, and despite the crowd of people, I’d never felt so incredibly lonely.
Toward the end of the gathering, I was talking to Janesa and introducing her parents to mine when I spotted Tyler’s mum walking down the pathway.
“Mrs Lohan!” I called out, immediately running after her.
At
first, she didn’t stop, she just continued on her way, and it wasn’t until I called her another two times that she actually stopped and waited for me.
“Sarah,” she said with forced brightness. “What’s so important that you needed to leave your family to chase me down?”
“Well, your son, obviously,” I stated. “I’ve been trying to call him, and he’s not answering my calls. I was wondering if you knew where he was.”
She pressed her lips together and glanced over my shoulder before she spoke. “My advice to you, young lady, is to go back over there to your friends, go and hug your parents, and forget about whatever was going on between you and Tyler.”
“I’m sorry, Mrs Lohan, but I’m not going to do that.”
“Then I’m afraid he’s just going to break your heart.”
“So I’ve heard,” I replied. “But I don’t believe that – he loves me.”
“That’s the problem,” she stated like a punch in my stomach. Then she turned away from me and clicked her way down the path in her tan heels and beige pencil dress, Tyler’s degree tucked under her arm, leaving me alone without any answers, yet again.
***
Christmas Eve and I was back in Moama. I hadn’t planned to go back there for Christmas. I had planned to spend Christmas lying in bed with the man I loved, but it had been almost three weeks and still there was no word from him. Alex kept telling me to relax, that he’d be back. But, I missed Tyler so much that I really struggled to believe him, even though I really wanted to.
Instead, I went back home and spent Christmas with my family, doing all the chores I thought I’d never have to do again when I left that place four years before.
Although for the first time in my life, I really didn’t mind doing them. They kept me busy when I could have easily been sitting around the house moping about and spreading misery everywhere I went.
On top of the farm work, I spent a lot of time working on my ankle strength and getting my fitness back after being semi-stationary for so long. I took up running again. At first it was hard, but after keeping at it, I found I could regain my fitness fairly quickly as long as I kept my ankle strapped for support. I found that while I ran, and while I had music blaring in my ears, I stopped thinking for a while. And for a girl who was missing half of her heart, not thinking was as close to bliss as I could get.
Every day I tried to call him, And I texted him. Maybe it was over the top, I don’t know. But, I said I wouldn’t give up on him, and I was trying so hard not to, but damn it was hard.
“Sarah?” A voice I hadn’t heard since high school questioned when I was at the local grocery store picking up some last minute supplies for mum before the public holiday.
“Erica,” I smiled, turning to face her and feeling surprised that she really didn’t look any different at all.
“I almost didn’t recognise you,” she said offering me an uncomfortable hug as if she wasn’t sure how to greet me anymore.
I smiled. “It’s the hair,” I said pointing to my tamed mop.
“No, it’s not just your hair,” she said. “It’s everything. You look really different – In a good way of course. What are you doing back in Moama? Here to stay or just visiting your mum and dad for the holiday?”
“Oh, I’m just visiting. I’ll be heading back to Sydney in a couple of days.”
It was at that moment at my phone decided to sound a message alert. I lifted it from my pocket and my heart almost stopped when I saw Tyler’s smiling face pop up on the notification. My hand literally shook as I swiped the screen to read what he sent.
It was simple, I’m fine, sweetheart. Merry Christmas. xx
“Oh my god,” I gasped, covering my mouth as tears sprung to my eyes. I should’ve been angry at him for shutting me out, but I knew what I was getting into when I first started dating him, and really I was just relieved that he was OK, and he was coming out of whatever episode that he was having.
I tried to figure out myself what might be wrong with him, and I wondered if perhaps Janesa was right and he was schizophrenic, all at least bipolar, or something like that, based on how quickly everything changed. And in a way, I understood that him leaving was his way of protecting me, but I didn’t want him protect me. I wanted him to share his life with me – good and bad – I just wanted him to tell me what was going on.
“Oh my goodness. Is that Tyler Lohan?” Erica asked as she looked at my phone. In my excitement I’d forgotten she was standing there. “Is he still alive? Everyone around here thinks he died after that episode he had up at the river.”
“Episode?” I asked, wondering what she’s talking about.
“Don’t you remember? It was just after year twelve results had come in, and we were all up there swimming and drinking, and then it was like he just stopped.”
“What do you mean he just stopped?”
“He stopped. He just couldn’t move. Everyone freaked out, and we had to get ambulance guys up there. They ended up having him airlifted out of there and that was the last anyone ever saw of him.”
“Oh my god,” I gasped, wondering what the hell was going on with him.
“Yeah,” she shrugged as if it was no big deal. “But if he’s messaging you, I guess he turned out all right. Are you two dating now or something?”
I didn’t really hear her as my mind reeled at the information she gave me, and I found myself staring at my phone, trying to put the puzzle back together again. I’d thought I had it worked out, but Erica just gave me a new piece and now the puzzle looked completely different than it did before.
“Sarah?”
I snapped my head up, blinking a few times to clear my thoughts. “Sorry, what did you say?”
“I just asked if you were seeing him.”
“Oh, yes, I see him all the time.”
“OK,” she said, giving me a look as if I made her feel uncomfortable. “Well, um, if you see him, tell him I said hi.”
“Sure, Erica, I’ll see you around,” I responded quickly, turning away from her and getting out of there as quickly as possible. I needed to get home. I needed to see Tyler. And most all, I needed Google.
17
I FELT sure that my mother would probably never speak to me again. Not only did I return from the shops empty handed, but I also announced that I was leaving shortly after. The only thing I did was stop to Google a recurring disease that could cause the body to stop working all together.
The results pulled up some pretty scary terms, such as lymphoma, immunodeficiency disorders, renal failure, sleep paralysis and even more horrific sounding things. None of them seemed to fit though. However, no matter how I reworded my search terms there was always one thing that kept popping up – panic attacks. They could cause a person to completely freeze up and seem like they might be dying. Maybe that’s what was going on with him… Maybe he’d learned how to recognise them coming on so he was pulling away and hiding himself until he could get himself back under control?
It seemed possible, but at the same time, Tyler seemed like such a confident person, I couldn’t really imagine him panicking over anything – he always seemed so in control... but then he’d made that comment about his father expecting his son to always show strength and control, so I supposed it could be possible…
I messaged him before I left, saying, I’m coming home. Please be at my apartment in eight hours. Please.
The drive was torturously long, and I hit holiday traffic as I got closer to the city, slowing me down even further, making me agitated that he was going to arrive and see that I wasn’t there then leave again. I didn’t want to miss him. I needed him.
It was almost nine hours by the time I got there, and I didn’t even bother grabbing my bag out of my car. I just ran up the stairs and burst through the door, relief flooding through me when he was there, looking even more perfect than he did last time I saw him. I ran into his arms.
“I hate you,” I cried, wrapping myself around him as he fell ba
ck on the couch with me in his lap.
“Sweetheart,” he whispered, his fingers spearing into the side of my hair as he held me before him, and his eyes drank me in. “God, I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” I sobbed, melting as he brought his mouth to mine, and chased every doubt I had about how he felt about me away with a soul-searing kiss.
“I promised you I’d come back, I love you,” he murmured against my lips, against my neck, against my breast, over and over again as we made love right there on the couch then again on the floor, and again in my bed. And after nearly three weeks, I finally felt some peace.
“You need to stop leaving me,” I whispered against his chest with tears in my eyes. “I don’t know if I can take this again and again.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, kissing me against the top of my head as he stroked my hair gently, and eventually, I fell into deep dreamless sleep, too glad that he was back to want to argue over where he was at that point. It would have to wait until morning.
***
“I need you to tell me what’s going on with you,” I demanded the next morning, after I woke, and my heart lurched momentarily when I reached out and he wasn’t there. I shrieked his name, and he came rushing back in from the bathroom thinking something terrible had happened, although in my mind, it was terrible. My heart couldn’t take him disappearing again so soon.
“Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” he said, with a smile, sliding back into bed with me and wrapping me in his arms.
“I’m serious, Tyler.”
“So am I. I’m trying to spend Christmas day with the girl I love, and I don’t want to argue with you over shit I don’t want to talk about.”
“We need to talk about this, Tyler. I’m scared for you. I spoke to Erica when I was in Moama, and she said you had some sort of turn at the river, and that you were airlifted out of there. Is that true?”
“Exactly what did Erica say?” he asked carefully.
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