Wriggling out of my pants, he readied himself then gripped my hips and tilted them back, his mouth grazing along the curve of my neck to my shoulder as he entered me from behind, his hand returning to tease my clit as his thrusts moved within me and our breathing increased, becoming urgent as our need for release intensified.
“Oh Tyler,” I moaned, as my body convulsed with my release moments before he found his.
He groaned into my neck, his warmth spurting into my depths as he held himself inside me, grinding us together gently to tease out every bit of pleasure within us. Slowly, we came back down from our high and he withdrew from my depths, pressing his mouth to mine, kissing me languidly. “Tick,” he murmured, causing me to laugh and wrap my arms around his neck.
***
Several times, I questioned my sanity levels as we trekked up the side of the Mount Mayon, slipping on volcanic rock, and trying not to gag as the scent of rotten eggs pervaded my senses. But, Tyler’s patience and sense of humour made all the difference to me, and the moment we broke that cloud line, I was so glad I’d stuck it out.
“Oh, Tyler. This is the most…” I stopped talking, speechless as I just stood there, looking out above the low hanging clouds.
“Amazing, right?” he said, wrapping his arms around my shoulders as we looked out at it all together, taking in the beauty and the serenity of something very few people in this world really get to experience.
“Whoa!” Janesa breathed, filming our surrounds on her digital camera. “I didn’t expect we’d be this high.”
We paused for a while; taking photos of each other on our phones and handheld cameras before we continued up and were asked to put on our gas masks.
“The danger level today, is a two out of five,” the guide explained. “That means there is a little more activity that normal, but nothing dangerous. Expect to see a lot of gas fissures as we reach the peak. And please, stay close together.”
“Shall we?” Tyler said, offering his hand to me, and I gave a nervous nod before checking my gas mask and placing my hand in his.
“Let’s go stare this volcano in the mouth,” I stated, earning myself a brilliant smile that could only be seen by the curve of Tyler’s eyes about the black gasmask that covered his nose and mouth. But I knew it was there.
Slowly, we climbed the rest of the way up the mountain; slipping and sliding, helping each other over rocks, and pausing to take pictures of shooting gas clouds along the way. It was a sight like any other we’d knowing before, and when we made it to the top, we stood in amazement as we watched the sulphuric gas pour out of it in steaming torrents like an angry dragon.
“We made it,” I told him, holding his hand as we looked out at the view.
“Yeah,” he replied, slowly spinning and looking at the world in awe. “We did.”
I stood there and watched him, hugging myself happily as he stood there like a god near the top of the world.
“Glad you came now?” Janesa asked when she came to stand by my side.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “It was worth it just to see this.”
Janesa nodded in agreement and looked out over the rolling landscape surrounding us. “Yeah, the view is definitely worth it,” she said, not understanding that seeing Tyler filled with joy was my reward. I would do anything to see that man happy.
***
The way back down was much faster, and when we hit base camp, there was a transport there, ready to take us all back to our hotel.
Tyler has been the perfect boyfriend throughout the entire climb and descent. He held my hand as much as he could, and he leant me so much of his strength while making sure I didn’t fall or injure myself. At the time, I didn’t really understand how much the journey, and his concern for me was taking out of him, I just thought he was hot and tired like everyone else, and he never showed any sign of weakness or fatigue – just strength.
However, I would soon find out exactly what happened when Tyler pushed too hard, and it was far more frightening than Mount Mayon was. In fact, it was far more frightening than anything I’d ever seen, but it was just the tip of the iceberg...
27
“ARGH!” THE choked scream woke me with a start, and the first thing I did was reach out for Tyler. He wasn’t there. I was in our hotel bed alone, and the only other place he could possibly have been was the bathroom.
“Tyler?” I called out, getting caught in the tangle of bed sheet as I tried to go to him. I ended up falling to the floor with a thud, hissing some expletives before untangling my feet and scrambling to stand and go to him.
He yelled again, and I skidded into the small bathroom, finding him on the floor of shower stall with steaming water pouring on him as he clutched his legs in agony.
“What happened?”
“Oh, god, the pain. My legs,” he yelled through gritted teeth, the tendons in his neck bulging, and the veins in his head pressing against his skin.
“What can I do?” I was too desperate to help him to cry or react in any other way but calm. “Do you need some of your meds, or should I call the ambulance?”
“No. Just. Argh,” he growled, pushing his palms into his thighs as the hot water pounded against them. “Pills,” he managed, and I ran back into the room and found his medication box, bringing it back as fast as I could.
“Which one?” My hands were shaking as I unzipped the pouch.
“Dan…ugh,” he grunted, his eyes closing tight as I watched him struggle.
“Dantrolene?”
He grunted as he nodded, his face red, and his eyes weary with exhaustion.
“How many?”
“Ei…Eight,” he forced.
“Eight?”
Grunting again, he nodded, and for a moment, I wondered if I should call his mother to make sure I was doing this right. I was petrified I was going to get this wrong and kill him.
“Oh god, OK,” I said, getting a bottle of water and the pills in my hand before kneeling beside the shower recess to give them to him. “Should I turn the water off?” I asked.
He shook his head violently, and the hand I’d reached out froze in the air as I responded to his plea. His hand snatched out and caught it, shocking the hell out of me as he gripped me tightly. “Pills,” he begged, before releasing his grip. I nodded and gripped the back of his head, holding him steady as I slipped the pills in his mouth, one at a time between his groans of pain, feeding him water and waiting until he swallowed before slipping the next pill between his lips.
“How long until it works?” I asked softy, running my fingers though his wet hair.
Closing his eyes, he strained then shook his head. “Hour,” he pushed out.
I nodded, wishing there was something more I could do for him. He took my hand, and I could feel him shaking as he looked at me with absolute sorrow in his eyes.
“Sor-ry,” he forced, his body twitching as he held on to me, the water beating down on his body, making his skin red in the heat.
Leaning in, I pressed a kiss to his forehead, getting saturated myself in the process. “Don’t be. This is just part of loving you – it’s part of being us.” Then I held him as the water rained down upon us, and we waited for the pills to help him.
***
Raising my hand, I knocked on the door to Alex and Janesa’s room, trying not to be so loud that I woke others, but needing to be loud enough so I woke them.
“Sarah – what’s up?” Alex asked when he opened the door, scratching at his chest sleepily as he stretched.
“You know what’s wrong with Tyler, right?” I asked, watching him instantly wake up as he looked down at me with concern.
“I saw a letter from his doctor at his place once, so I figured it out. Why?”
“He needs your help.”
“What’s happened?”
“I don’t know. I think maybe the beginning of a relapse, or a seizure of some kind. I got him his meds, and he’s fallen asleep, but he’s in the shower, and I can’t move
him on my own,” I explained.
“What’s going on?” Janesa asked from behind Alex.
“It’s Tyler, he’s having some kind of attack,” Alex explained.
“Oh no, he’s not relapsing is he?” she asked, her brow furrowing with worry.
“You know?” I asked, surprised that Tyler would tell anyone unless he had to.
“Tyler didn’t tell her, it was me,” Alex said, immediately jumping to her defence when he saw my hurt expression.
“I withheld sex until he told me. I wanted to tell you but once Alex explained Tyler kept it a secret so he could be normal for as long as possible. I knew he had to choose to tell you himself. I’m sorry.”
“You’re my best friend, Janesa. You should have told me.”
“Oh honey, it wasn’t my secret to tell.”
I held up my hands, dropping my gaze for a moment while took a deep breath and pushed my disappointment deep down, focusing on the fact that Tyler needed me.
“We’ll talk about this another time, Janesa. Right now, Tyler needs us.”
Tyler objected quite readily when Alex arrived to help him, but together, we got him out of the shower and onto the bed so I could dry him off. Once settled, I thanked Alex as he left then returned to Tyler, lying beside him on the bed as he drifted back to sleep. I placed my hand on his chest so I could feel his reassuring heartbeat, and his breathing beneath my palm. Then I watched him until the sun came up, petrified of sleeping in case something happened again, and I wasn’t ready.
28
IT TOOK Tyler a good twenty-four hours of rest and medication before he was out of that bed without help from Alex or me. Even then, Tyler was weak, but he was able to walk, albeit a little unsteadily. I wanted him to go to the hospital so they could look at him to make sure he was OK. I’m no medical expert, but it was kind of like some sort of seizure, and didn’t sound like anything I’d read about MS before, so I was worried.
He refused to go, saying that what happened was nothing compared to his previous relapses. “As far as I’m concerned, this is like me getting better,” he said, his voice a little less clear than normal. “Must have been the sulphur in the air,” he joked.
“This isn’t funny, Tyler. Surely you are supposed to go and see someone whenever you have a turn.”
“They call them exacerbations, and what happens to me is kind of like an MS hug.”
“A hug?”
“Yeah, normally, it lasts a lot longer than that, so I think it was just my body reacting to me being so tired. But an MS hug is when the muscles in your abdomen between your ribs contract and tighten like a girdle. For some reason in me, it happens in my limbs too.”
“I don't think you should push yourself that hard again,” I worried. “Maybe this list isn’t worth it.”
He grabbed my face and smiled down at me. “Sweetheart, today I can walk. Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I’m not stopping until I absolutely have to. I’ve lived with this damned disease for eight years, doing everything right to give me more time on my feet. And you saw last night that it doesn’t really give a shit. MS said ‘Fuck you, Tyler.’ And it’s getting worse regardless. So, I’m doing this. If you’re scared and you don’t think you can handle it, I’ll understand. I want you with me, but I’ll understand. The ball is still in your court, and I’ll never force you to stay.”
“I can handle anything. I’m just worried about you.”
“It’s OK to worry. It’s OK to feel scared. Those things are petrifying to witness, but you did good. You were fucking perfect, sweetheart.”
He pressed a kiss to my lips. “Now, let’s go finish this holiday. I believe you wanted to see some ruins.”
“Tyler, I want to take you home. Please, you shouldn’t be walking around the ruins all day after what you went through.”
“Sweetheart, this is just part of my life. What happened there was a hiccup, it might happen again tonight, it might not happen again for another six months. Who the fuck knows? And I promise you, when we get back, I’ll tell my neurologist every little symptom I’ve had. But please, don’t fight me on this. I want to see the world with you. I want to experience everything that everyone wants to do but puts off because there’s always something more important. People always make the mistake of thinking that they have so much time, and they put stuff off and then boom – they’re too old to do anything anyway. But for me, I know that my body is going to quit on me. I know I don’t have a lot of time to do this stuff. So I’ve got to do it now.”
“You’re talking like you’re dying, Tyler.”
“I’m not dying, sweetheart, my fate is much worse than that.”
“Tyler,” I started before Alex walked over and interrupted.
“Hey mate, I grabbed this for you so I don’t have to go to the ruins looking like your gay lover,” he said with a grin as he held out a long carved wooden hiking stick to Tyler, who took it with a smile.
“And here I was, really hoping to solidify our relationship by holding hands,” he joked, thumping the stick into the ground a few times to test its strength.
“All set?” Janesa asked.
Tyler took my hand. “Ready as I’ll ever be,” he said, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.
***
For the rest of the week, we kept to our plans and saw everything we’d decided to see before we got there. Tyler moved slowly, and he slept a lot in between, and his pain levels were higher than normal, but he got through it, and when we flew home, I was relieved to get him back to his doctors.
Seeing the attack scared the absolute crap out of me. And I didn’t know if he was just playing it down as nothing, or if his relapses normally were much worse than that. I was scared of being halfway across the world without the proper medical care if it was possible he could be hit harder than what happened in the Philippines. And the moment we stepped foot back inside his apartment, I was so incredibly relieved.
“It’s good to be home,” he said, sinking down on the couch and patting the seat beside him before holding his hand out for me to join him.
“Yes. Now we can rest to get over that holiday. It was pretty amazing though, standing over the clouds like that and seeing all the gas rise out of the volcano.”
“There’s so much amazing stuff in this world. I just want to do all of it.” His eyes looked up in thought and he let out a sigh, hugging me tightly against him. “What are you going to do when this is over?” he asked suddenly.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t expect you to stay with me once I’m dependant,” he explained, his voice soft as he spoke.
“Well, I’m going to, Tyler. We’re going through this together now, so suck it up and stop thinking you’re going to be a burden. Love isn’t a burden. It can get hard, but it’s never a burden. Besides, you can look at is as having your own physiotherapist on board, and you’ll have great muscle tone for years to come.”
“I think you’re the most positive person on the planet,” he said with a smile.
“Nah,” I replied. “I’m just stubborn. Come on,” I said, standing and taking him by the hand. “Let’s go sleep. I’m exhausted.”
“If by sleep you mean let’s have sex, and then go to sleep, I’m totally on board.”
“OK, but first person to the bedroom gets first orgasm,” I said, jumping up and striking a running pose in front of him.
He laughed and shook his head. “Now that’s just mean. You know I can’t run to the bedroom at the moment. I’ll lose my balance and fall arse over tit.”
Grinning, I held out my hand to help him up. “I’m teasing. Now, come on, I’ll help you up. That way we’ll make it to the bedroom at the same time, and we can come together,” I told him with a wink as I pulled him up to standing.
“Fuck, I love you,” he said all of a sudden, his brow furrowed as if our love was something he couldn’t quite get his head around.
***
Tyler’s recovery wasn’t complet
e this time, which fit with his explanation that his disease was progressing. It made me understand how short his time as an able bodied person was going to be, and while that made no difference to me, there was a lot he thought he’d be missing out on once his legs were immobile, and I worried that his biggest enemy may be depression as he fought against the changes he’d have to make to cope with his altered state.
He had developed a slight limp and his balance still wasn’t perfect, but he got to a point where he could still run once he got moving. Stopping wasn’t always the easiest for him, so I insisted on going with him.
At times, he was so hell bent on doing everything the way he always did that I was forced to get him to slow down by pleading that I was the one who was tired, or I was the one who was sore, when secretly, it was just to get him to rest for a moment, because he didn’t want to slow down. The list was important to him and he became obsessed with needing to do as much as he could.
Each week, he booked some sort of adventure for my days off work. We went skydiving in Camden, and swimming with sharks at Darling Harbour. We did the Bridge walk, and we went rally car driving and caving and quad biking. It was the adrenalin junky’s dream come true. But, it was exhausting for me, so I wondered how taxing it was for Tyler and worried constantly as to when his next relapse would come, while praying twice as much that it wouldn’t come at all.
SPRING, 2011
29
“I HAVE a surprise for you, but it means you’re going to have to wake up at two o’clock in the morning,” Tyler said when I got home from work one Friday. We weren’t officially living together, but I spent more time at his place than I did at mine, and often I wondered if I should just give up my apartment to come and live with him.
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