“So it’s just a waiting game at the moment,” I said, turning around to look at Tyler with her.
“I’m afraid so,” she said before turning to me and slipping her arm through mine. “But, at least we can wait together. None of us have to do this alone.”
For a moment, I almost cried so I dropped my face and pressed my fingers to the corners of my eyes. Then without saying anything, she hugged me and it felt good to have the support of someone who understood.
SUMMER, 2011
33
“I KIND of like this,” I said, as Tyler wheeled us along the path we once ran along in Victoria Park. I was sitting in his lap, holding the bag that contained our picnic lunch of organic chicken and salad. It had taken just over a month for Tyler to recover fully from his latest relapse, and it had taken another month for him to come to terms with the fact that his legs couldn’t support his weight for more than a few steps anymore.
We had a lot of crying, and a lot of fighting where I insisted that life was still worth living, and that I was going to be with him every step of the way. When he continued to refuse, I ended up sitting in the chair and using it to get around the house, telling him that if he wasn’t going to use it then someone should. I learned how to do wheelies and would ride back and forth, trying to make it look as fun as I could as if I was trying to coax a child to eat their vegetables, and eventually, he relented and this is a part of our life now.
Since his legs stopped working, Tyler switched his diet to Paleo in the hopes that it would help reduce some of the inflammation in his body and get him back on his feet. It was a new thing, so we were yet to note any results, but he was hopeful, and he was stubborn and that’s ultimately what was going to get him through this.
“Not a bad way to travel, huh? I’m totally going to figure out how to do doughnuts in this thing so I can freak people out.”
“That’s definitely something I’d like to see,” I said, as we came to a stop, and Tyler nodded toward a large shady tree.
“How’s that for a picnic spot?”
“Perfect,” I said, jumping off his lap to push him over the grass, before setting up then helping him out of his chair. He could stand for a moment, and sit with my help, but he just couldn’t walk more than a few steps without getting exhausted.
“I want to talk to you about kids again,” he said after a while as he chewed thoughtfully on a piece of cucumber.
I lowered my gaze and busied myself with the lid of a container that wasn’t sealed right. “You don’t want them, do you?”
He looked at me carefully before he shook his head. “No, and before you get upset, I want to explain why.”
Trying to keep my emotions in check, I turned to face him. “I’m listening.”
“I, um…” He paused. “God, this is a lot harder to explain than I thought.”
“What is?”
“Well, the… the latest MRI scans showed six more active legions in my brain, as well as more signs of plaque…”
“I don’t understand what that means.”
He took my hand. “It means that I’m progressing even faster now. They’re saying it’s become more aggressive and they’re classifying it as malignant.”
“What does that mean?” I swallowed hard, knowing this wasn’t good news at all.
He paused and frowned, shaking his head as he pulled at his lip with his teeth. “It means that MS is going to take my life, sweetheart. They want me to nominate someone for my end of life care while I still have my mental faculties.”
“Oh god,” I gasped. “You were just talking about learning tricks in your chair and…how long have they given you?”
“I’m just trying to stay positive, sweetheart, because as per usual, they don’t fucking now. I’m just this time bomb with a broken display – no one knows when the counter is going to run out. They just know it’s coming.”
My breathing quickened and I shook my head, looking around at the parkland, covered in sunshine while birds sang in the sky as if it was any other day. But, it wasn’t any other day. It was the day my world stopped being OK. It was the day I couldn’t stop myself from crying.
“Hey,” Tyler said softly, wrapping his arms around me to pull me against his chest. “I’m sorry. I really thought I had another few years in me, sweetheart. I thought we’d at least hit thirty together.”
I sniffled and sat back up, wiping at my eyes to regain my composure. “So, now it’s affecting your brain?”
He nodded. “Honestly, I think I’m just going to stop going to the neurologist because that guy never has any good news for me. He’s like the harbinger of fucking doom. It’s bullshit.”
Looking up at the sky, I blew out a slow breath to try and calm down.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, I shouldn’t have told you here. I should have waited until we got home.”
I watched as a Rosella flew overhead, squawking as it came to rest beside another of it kinds in a red leafed tree.
“No. Out here was perfect. It would be too easy to sit at home and wallow. At least here, we can see that life is still going on all around us. And we’ll be OK. We’ll still find a way to be happy,” I said, forcing out the last word and pressing my lips together as a wave of emotion passed over me. I reached over to a bag of jerky mixed with dried fruit and nuts and looked inside. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I could do with an ice cream right about now. This Paleo diet doesn’t seem so appetising anymore.”
“I think I could do with an ice cream too,” he agreed with a smile as he helped me pack up our picnic and I helped him back into his chair then we went and had the richest most calorific ice creams we could find, and we enjoyed every bite.
***
“Thank you,” Tyler said with great feeling later that night as I helped him into our bed.
“For what? Helping you into bed?”
“Well yeah,” he laughed. “But for everything, past, present and future. You’re the best part of my life.” He reached up and clumsily pushed my hair back behind my ears, and I could see in his eyes that it frustrated him that he couldn’t feel me when he touched me like he used to.
I caught his hand and pressed a kiss to his palm. “You’re the best part of mine too,” I whispered, leaning down to softly kiss his lips. “Don’t ever think you aren’t.”
Then I pressed my mouth against his, deepening the kiss and slowly climbing on the bed and settling over the top of him. He gripped my hips, his hands moving under my nightgown, pushing it upward as he sought out my breasts and massaged them softly. “I want you,” I whispered, reaching my hand between us and sliding it beneath the waistband of his pants to grip his cock and coax it to attention with soft sure strokes. Removing our clothing, I used his erection to slide through my juices and tease my clit, rolling my hips back and forth over his length as his tip teased me to the brink.
Our mouths moved together languidly as Tyler’s hands roamed over my body and we moaned together softly as I grew even closer to orgasm. The moment it hit, I slid down his shaft, taking him in my depths as I moved over him, doing the work for us as he held my hips and watched me with desire filled eyes as I sat back and quickened my pace.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he moaned, his teeth clenching as I gasped out my release and used my internal muscle to grip him tightly, causing him to shudder and spill himself inside me with a satisfied groan. Then he reached up and pulled me into an embrace, holding me tightly as I felt his body quake. He was crying, and the sound of my strong man letting go was enough to tip me over the edge too. I held on tight and I cried too, not wanting to let go, but knowing that soon that time would come, and I wouldn’t even have a choice. I knew I had a really difficult decision to make, and the thought of it made me cry harder. I knew I had to decide to either help Tyler, or stand by and watch him suffer to the end. I didn’t want to do either. I wanted time to stop so we could stay in this moment as two lovers, joined as one, crying because they never wanted to le
t go.
34
TYLER’S DECLINE was more rapid than I could have ever imagined. Within two weeks, we went from picnicking in the park to him unable to even sit without help, or speak without pause. He was going to die, and there was nothing I could do about it. I hated that. I hated the cruelty in the universe. I hated that it forced us together when I fell and broke my ankle only to tear us apart a couple of years later by breaking a man.
With each passing day, I could see the fear, and the pain in Tyler’s eyes. He barely slept from the agony he was in, and between his mother and me, we were working around the clock to keep him as comfortable as possible.
Some days were better than others; sometimes he could move enough to get around in his motorised wheelchair. And on those days, we’d go for a walk, or go and see friends, Alex and Janesa who were back in the country again after another short stint overseas in Ecuador. Now, they were living together out in Camden where they owned acres with a stable and horses; when we’d visit, the horses seemed to sense that Tyler needed them to be gentle, and we’re simply majestic with him.
Depression kicked in very early, and despite being offered antidepressants, he refused to take them. He said he didn’t want to stop feeling, and while I understood, I wished he’d reconsider, just to help him cope with the speed of his decline.
“Why won’t you just let me go?” he asked after about two months, as I was tending to his pressure sores.
“You’re already leaving so fast,” I replied.
“Sweetheart,” he whispered, a tear falling from his eye. “Please.”
Reaching out, I ran my fingers through his golden hair before I wiped the tear from his cheek. “One day at a time,” I whispered, before walking from the room then bursting into silent tears once I was alone. I knew what he wanted, and perhaps I was being selfish, but I was too afraid to let him go. I was too afraid of a world without him.
***
“How is he today,” Susan asked when she came around to help out for a little while as she did every day. It was both to give me a short respite from being his constant caregiver and to make sure she spent as much time as she could with him before the inevitable. She was so strong, and I found myself leaning on her more and more and confiding my own fears in her, even though she was scared too. But, we needed each other as well; we needed that one other person whose life was going to go on without him, otherwise, I think we may have given up as well.
“He’s asking me to let him go,” I told her in a hoarse whisper. I’d been crying on and off about it all day. Gone were the days where I could make light of anything to do with his disease. Gone were the days where I could reconcile the positives. It had all just become so damn sad, and I couldn’t be brave anymore. I was losing him.
“What do you want to do?” she asked quietly, understanding the monumental decision that was being placed on my shoulders. We both knew he would hang on for me, and the question was, could I let go for him.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I’m not ready.”
She took a hold of my hands. “We will never be ready, Sarah.”
“What would you do?”
“You can’t ask me that. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do if it was the man I was in love with. But as my son, all I can do is promise to stand by the choices he makes. And I did promise him, long ago, when things started to go downhill, I promised him I wouldn’t stand in his way when he was ready to end his own suffering. But then he met you, and life became so wonderful for him, and I know that he’s put an insurmountable burden on your shoulders, but ultimately, you have to be ready to let go. He’ll hold on until he wastes away if it makes you happy, Sarah. All he’s ever wanted was to make you happy.”
I covered my face. “But that wouldn’t make me happy. None of this makes me happy. None of this is fair. He’s being torn away from me, and I’m not ready.”
She took a hold of my hands again and looked into my eyes.
“But he is ready.”
“I don’t want to do this,” I whispered. “It’s too hard to choose.”
“That’s because they’re both awful choices – help him control his own destiny, or force him to endure. Both have the same outcome.”
Reaching up, I rubbed my head against my forehead, my head pounding. “I need to go for a walk. I need to think,” I said.
“Take all the time you need,” she said, gently rubbing my arm.
***
Walking the streets, I circled the enormous university grounds, playing with the bracelet that adorned my wrist that marked the coordinates of the place I felt and Tyler became a permanent fixture in my life. I didn’t need to look up the coordinates to know where it was. My feet remembered as they walked up the path and stopped at a spot where the gum I’d tripped on had now become a black spot on the pavement. I sat down and stared at it, not cared what anyone thought of me as I remembered that day – the way he’d smiled and continued to be so kind to me even though I was being a bitch.
“I know you, don’t I?” he asked, tilting his head a little to the side, as his eyes crinkled in his adorable way while his mouth turned up a little at the side. I hated how good-looking he was with his natural golden tan, and fashionably messy golden hair. He could have been next Chris Hemsworth if he gave up sports science for acting.
“I doubt it,” I responded with little feeling, seizing the opportunity to retrieve my papers from his hand.
His grip tightened. “No. I do know you. What’s your name, sweetheart?”
“It’s none of your business, because I’m not your sweetheart.” I tugged on the papers again.
“Let me help you,” he insisted, his voice soft with a hint of amusement…
I thought about all the times after that. The way we fought for each other, and refused to give up, and there wasn’t one moment I regretted except for the moment where I knew I finally had to let go. I had to love him enough not to make him suffer when he didn’t want to. God, this sucked.
I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes and released my tears, crying over everything I was about to lose.
“Miss? Are you all right?” a young man asked, stopping beside me and crouched down. I looked up at him, at his young and healthy looking body, and I closed my eyes then nodded.
“I'm fine,” I said, wiping at my cheeks as I stood up. “I’m just a bit of a mess, but I’ll be all right. Thank you.”
Nodding, he looked at me for a moment as if he didn’t believe me, and for a moment, I wanted to tell this boy to never waste a moment, and to always love with his whole heart. But I didn’t. I just nodded and thanked him for his concern then turned around and headed back the way I came.
With each step, it felt harder to move, and it took longer to return than it did to leave. When I got back inside, I found Susan sitting at the table that had all of Tyler’s medication lined up on it. She was reading a magazine but stopped the moment I walked through the door.
“Is he awake?” I asked, but she didn’t need to answer as a painful groan from Tyler’s room answered for me.
“Do you want to talk about this first?” she asked and I shook my head.
“No. I’ve made up my mind,” I said, wiping my nervous palms on the sides of my shorts before heading into the room.
“Hey,” I said quietly, sliding onto the bed beside him as I took his hand in mine.
“You…you’ve been cry…crying,” he said as he tried to control the spasms that seemed to be ever present in his limbs these days.
“I’ve been thinking about what you asked me,” I admitted, shifting so that I was seated next to him cross-legged.
He looked at me questioningly.
“I went for a walk to the university, and you won’t believe it, but that piece of gum you spat out is still there. It’s black now and has merged with the concrete. But it’s there, marking our beginning like an X on a map,” I smiled, my eyes burning as my throat tightened. I used my free hand to wipe at my nose. �
�There hasn’t been a moment with you that I’ve regretted, Tyler. I want you to know that. If I could go back to that moment, I’d do everything exactly the same, because it’s all been worth it. Every moment. Every smile. Every tear.” I stopped, finding it hard to go on. “I wouldn’t change a thing, except for this, right now. If I could do something to fix this – to fix you – then I’d do it in a heartbeat. But…” I pressed my lips together and blew out my breath slowly. “But I can’t fix you, so I have to let you go. You’re free, Genie,” I said, trying to smile even though there was nothing funny about this moment at all.
“I still haven’t seen Aladdin,” he said, a tear falling from his eye. And my heart swelled with love for him because even in this moment, he still tried to make a joke.
With my tears falling, I leaned down and wrapped him in my arms, pressing my lips to his before I touched our foreheads together. “This world is going to be shit without you, Tyler.”
“Don’t talk like that, sweetheart,” he said slowly. “You have so long ahead of you, and you have to live it even better than before. You have to go out and have adventures and fall in love again and have kids so that you can live forever.”
“I don’t want any of that without you, Tyler. I want to stay right here, and I want you to haunt me and live with me forever as a ghost.”
“Like that movie with Demi Moore?”
“Yes,” I said. “But you can’t go, you have to stay with me.”
“Only if you take up pottery and invite Whoopi Goldberg around so we can do it together,” he joked, and somehow, I laughed.
“How can you make a joke about this? You promised to always come back to me. You have to haunt me.”
“OK, sweetheart. I promise you that I’ll watch over you when I’m gone. But, you have to promise that you’ll go out in that world and live again. I don’t want you to mourn me forever.”
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