“What?” I looked over at her, confused. She placed a hand on my knee and sent me a small smile.
“Car, you not answering just made it all worse.”
“How?” I sat up a bit straighter.
“It sounds like Gage is afraid that you will one day leave him to be with Ethan. He knows you use to like him, or that you still do, and that scares him. You not answering just further scared him into thinking he is going to lose you.” At her words, I shot right up.
“Oh God, what if I am the cause of this?” I played with my fingers as I started to pace my room. “I don’t want to lose Gage, Macey. This was all just a stupid misunderstanding anyway!”
“Carter—”
“Mace, what if Gage decides to break up with me? I can’t handle that!”
“Carter!” Her yell made my stop in my tracks. “Do you like him?”
“Gage? Of course I do!”
“Not Gage. Ethan. Are you still in love with Ethan?” I didn’t even hesitate when I answered.
“No.” My own words made me pause. My answer came so firm and fast that it surprised me. But my answer was the truth. I didn’t like Ethan anymore. If you would have asked me a month ago, I probably would have said yes.
Ever since I met Gage I had thought less and less of Ethan. He didn’t cross my mind every night, nor did I get that nervous feeling just even talking about him. Ethan had been pushed into a small corner of my mind that I had completely forgotten about.
For years I had always thought one day I would end up with Ethan. He would find out about my feelings and return them. We would end up dating and falling in love all throughout college and afterwards, he would propose to me. We would end up getting married on the beach or something, and afterwards have two or three kids. We would be a perfect family. That was the picture and future I always imagined.
But now that picture had changed. I didn’t see myself ending up with Ethan. I didn’t see a huge happy ending for us that would end with kids and a happy life. I wasn’t entirely sure who the person in the picture was at the moment, but I could see it being Gage.
Gage, the one who actually seemed to care about me. Who stood up for me when we all got jumped at the gym a month back. The guy who could deny that he liked me when we first met. Gage, the guy who people warned me about and who rumors said was a womanizer with no heart.
That was not the guy I had come to know. No, he was thoughtful, sweet, kind, smart, and funny. He was someone I never thought I would come to like, but he was everything I had been searching for. What I thought I wanted with Ethan was not what I truly wanted anymore.
It was not until I thought about it that I realized that Ethan was not the person I really liked. He was just something I thought I needed but didn’t. Ethan was always there in my childhood and all through my high school years. So it made sense that I would eventually fall for him. Fall for his good looks, his personality, the way he was nice to me when others weren’t.
Ethan was always a constant in my life, like air. I thought I needed him in order to survive, but really, I didn’t. These last few months I hadn’t even thought about him, hadn’t even cared that I hadn’t seen him in days. I was busy with my life and so was he. I used to freak when I didn’t see him daily, but now seeing him every three to four days was fine.
“Are you sure you don’t?” Macey asked again, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“I didn’t realize it until now, but I am sure. I don’t feel the same about Ethan anymore.” For some reason, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt freer in a way I couldn’t explain.
“Oh god, Mace! I need to call Gage right now and tell him that!” My head snapped in every direction, trying to find my cellphone to call him. He had to know the truth.
“Carter, no.” Mace stepped in front of me blocking my path. “You need to let Gage cool down. If you call him right now, while he is still mad, he may not even listen to you. You are too emotional right now anyway. You both need to cool down before talking.”
“But, Mace—”
“Your feelings will still be the same tomorrow morning. Let him sleep on it and cool down before calling him. Give him a day,” she reasoned. As much as I wanted to grab my phone and call him, I knew she was right. Gage was beyond pissed, so talking to him right now might not be a good idea.
“Fine.” I sighed. Today had been one hell of a day. I went from one emotion to the next, like a roller coaster.
“Does this mean my best friend is finally over her first love?”
“I guess it does.”
***
That night I didn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, my mind too much of a mess to sleep. All I could think about was Gage and him pushing me away. My worst fear was that he wanted to break up. We were barely getting to the good part. We were starting to become comfortable around one another, and for the first time I felt like this could last. It all couldn’t end because of something so stupid.
When it was finally six in the morning, I decided I needed to get up and do something. I knew my parents weren’t up just yet, and I knew for a fact Luke and Ethan wouldn’t be up for hours. I didn’t want to lay in bed any longer because if I did, I would drive myself crazy.
Deciding on doing the one thing I never did, I grabbed some clothes to go for a run. Maybe it would clear my head and let me think about something else for just a moment. I rarely ran, but I was hoping it would help me right now.
Not wanting to wake an angry Macey, I got changed in the bathroom before quietly leaving the room. Thank the Lord I kept clothes in my old room for times like this. The house was silent as I snuck down the stairs. I tried to keep my footsteps quiet as I made my way to the back door. Opening the front would be too loud.
Once I was successful in leaving the house and out the side gate, I started to jog down the road. Since we lived in a neighborhood I didn’t have worry about cars, and it was too early for some to be awake. Most were probably still asleep after eating so much yesterday.
My feet pounded the pavement as I jogged. The air was cold as it nipped my face, and I was glad I threw on a thin jacket. With every step I took, my mind flashed to Gage. I went from when we first met on the second day Macey and I were on campus, to me running into him and him yelling at me. My mind flashed to when I saw Gage fight the very first time.
It was like a sequence as I ran. I went through every memory Gage and I had together until I finally reached what happened last night. By the time I got to the fight we had, my legs were carrying me fast across the pavement. My breathing was coming out in gasps and my lungs were burning, but I couldn’t find the will to stop running. My legs were burning, and I knew if I didn’t stop, I would get a cramp, but that didn’t stop me. It was almost like I was asking for more pain the faster I ran.
I finally had to force myself to stop running. I came to a stop, breathing heavily and clenching my sides. I felt like my lungs were going to burst as I gulped in air. I wasn’t sure how far I had gone, and to be honest, I didn’t feel any different.
When I finally caught my breath, I looked around. I was in another neighborhood that wasn’t too far from my house, but far enough to let me know I ran quite a bit. Turning around, I started to slowly walk back. I could run back home, but walking would help me stay out here a bit longer.
The walk back to my house didn’t last as long as I would have hoped. Before I knew it, I was standing at the front door. I was pretty sure my parents were up by now. I didn’t want to talk to my dad about any of this because he would just make it even worse with his threatening. He did mean well, but I didn’t want Gage hurt.
Instead of going through the probably locked front door, I went back around the side gate and through the back door. My back was faced to the kitchen as I tried to shut the door as quietly as I could.
“Where did you go?” a voice asked from nowhere, making me jump and almost scream. Holding a hand to my heart, I turned around to face my mom. She was dres
sed in her PJs still, and had a cup of steaming coffee in her hands. She stared at me expectantly, waiting for my answer.
“I went for a run.”
“Since when you do run?”
“Mom!” I stared at her with my jaw open.
“Shit, that came out wrong. Wait, crap!” I felt a smile spread across my face as my mom tried to backtrack on swearing.
“Mom, I think I know what shit means.” I walked over to her and patted her arm before going over to the cabinet to grab a mug for myself.
“What I really meant to say was why did you go running? I know you usually only go if something is bothering you. So, shoot.” She leaned her hip against the counter and watched me as I moved around the kitchen getting a cup of coffee. Once I had sat down on one of the stools, I let out a sigh.
My mom and I told each other everything—well, not exactly everything but close to it. I knew she would give me some good advice. If anyone knew about this kind of stuff, it was my mom. According to the story of how her and my dad got together, it sounded like they went through something similar.
“Gage and I had a fight yesterday and I think we may have broken up.” At the thought of breaking up, my heart clenched.
“I figured something happened between you two at Thanksgiving. When you came back inside, you guys weren’t the same,” she commented.
“It was all over something stupid, Mom. I’m not even sure what made him so pissed anyway.” I stared down at my full coffee.
“Men’s minds are complicated, sweetie. But tell me everything that happened.” I glanced around to make sure none of the boys were around.
“Don’t worry, they are all still asleep,” Mom said. Taking a deep breath, I told her everything that happened after the football game. Everything from when Gage pulled me aside to when he left without saying goodbye.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Mom shook her head at me.
“What?”
“You really don’t see what made him mad?” I tried to think of what would piss Gage off, but nothing popped out at me.
“No, Mom. Nothing happened at all.”
“It sounds to me like when Ethan picked you up and kissed you, Gage got super jealous.”
“But, Mom, it didn’t mean anything! It was just a kiss to the cheek because we won the game.”
“Gage doesn’t know that, honey. He knows about your crush on Ethan, and when he kissed you and you didn’t stop it, he may have gotten the wrong idea. Then add on that you didn’t deny it when he asked you.” She said the exact same thing as Macey did last night.
“Mom, I don’t like Ethan anymore. Ethan has and never will like me that way, so the kiss was just a friendly one!”
“Not to Gage, apparently. He probably got jealous and then hurt that you didn’t do anything to show that you aren’t interested in Ethan anymore.” It all seemed to sink in now, why Gage was so angry. He still thought I was in love with Ethan, and the kiss to the cheek did nothing to help those thoughts.
“But shouldn’t Gage have realized that? I’m in a relationship with him, not Ethan.”
“Honey, men need as much reassurance as us women do. He needs to know that he is the only one you like. That you won’t run off suddenly with a guy you have liked forever. Even your father needs reassurance that I am not going to leave him for some other guy.” I tried hard not to wrinkle my nose at that.
“This is all my fault, Mom. I need to talk to him.” I quickly stood up, my chair pushing back with a loud squeal.
“Carter, you need to give him some space.”
“But, Mom, won’t space just make this worse? He needs to know how I feel about Ethan.”
“Going over there right now will just make matters worse. He needs time to process it and think rationally because I bet you right now he isn’t.”
“Mom—”
“Trust me on this, Carter. Give him until Monday, then you can talk to him. Let him cool off.” I sunk down in my chair again. I didn’t want to wait until Monday to talk to him. Who knew what could happen in the next three days that could make him change his mind about me? He needed to know that I didn’t like Ethan anymore, that he was the only guy I wanted.
“Just give it some time, honey.”
***
Time was stupid. It was fucking stupid. Waiting three whole days to talk to Gage was torture. I knew my mom said to give him some space, but I couldn’t help but call him multiple times a day. He of course never answered and declined my calls. That was the worst part, I could tell he would press the “End Call” button instead of letting it go to voicemail. He was clearly avoiding me.
I left voicemail after voicemail pleading with him to just call me back. It was Saturday night when I sent him a bunch of texts and voicemails demanding he call me back, and that if he was going to break up with me, he better do it in person instead of being an asshole and doing it silently.
It did get to the point where Macey stole my phone from me. I knew I was acting irrationally and shouldn’t have called him so many times, but I needed to hear his voice. I needed to talk to him.
For three days I stayed at my parents’ house. Since I hadn’t seen them in a while, my mom made Luke, Ethan, and I stay home until Monday. She wanted us to hang out, but all I wanted to do was go to Gage.
Everyone knew something was up with me. My dad asked me if everything was okay and if he needed to kick someone’s ass, but I forced myself to smile and tell him I was fine, that I was just having some women issues. That shut him up real fast. Although I was certain my mom told him later that night about the whole thing.
Luke tried to corner me to ask me what was wrong, but I never answered. Macey was very helpful in keeping Luke off my back, and I would be forever grateful. Multiple times Ethan tried to talk to me, but I brushed him off, not in the mood to talk to him. It was honestly because of him I was in the whole mess to begin with. I couldn’t really blame him for everything, but at the moment that was all I could do. He didn’t know that any of this would happen between Gage and I, so I couldn’t be pissed at him for too long.
Eventually everyone stopped asking what was wrong and left me alone. I tried to engage in conversation, and I helped my mom out whenever I could, just to be doing something, but none of it really helped. I felt like I was missing a piece of me. Who knew that I would become so attached to Gage?
It was currently nine on Sunday night and I was pacing my bedroom once again.
“Macey, I feel like I am going crazy!” I tugged on my hair. If I kept this up, I may go bald from all the hair-pulling. “It is like I can’t function without him, Mace. I miss his voice and the way he smells. I am climbing the walls with how bad I want to talk to and see him.”
“I remember feeling the same way when I found out I was in love with Luke,” Macey said from her position on my bed, her head hanging off the side as she read a magazine.
“Wait. I am not in love with Gage.” I came to a stop in the middle of my room.
“Yeah, right.” She scoffed as she moved to sit up and face me.
“I’m serious. I’m not in love with Gage. I just really like him.”
“You know, denial never looks good on anyone,” she commented.
“Mace, I—” I froze mid-sentence. Wait? Was I in love with Gage? Was that why I was going crazy after not seeing him for three days? Why I was so upset with the idea that he may break up with me?
You are in love with him. My mind didn’t once try to say no or convince me that I wasn’t.
“Oh God, I am in love with Gage.” I breathed out. It literally all made sense now. Why I was acting so crazy and obsessed. Why I couldn’t go a day without talking to or seeing him.
My love for Ethan didn’t go away; it moved onto Gage. Everything I felt for Ethan was now what I felt for Gage, but triple. What I felt for Ethan seemed like puppy love compared to how I felt right now.
“You didn’t know you were in love with him?” Macey asked with a raised eyebrow.
&n
bsp; “N-no, I just thought I really liked him. I didn’t know this is what love felt like.”
“You didn’t feel this way about Ethan?” I shook my head. I was trying to wrap my head around everything I was feeling.
“Well, I guess you can really say you are over Ethan.”
***
The next morning, I had to literally hold myself back from getting up at the break of dawn to go and find Gage. I made myself lay in bed until seven, when my mom came to get me up. We had classes this morning, so we needed to get back to campus soon and get ready.
I went through the motions of showering and getting dressed before coming downstairs to eat breakfast with everyone. When I came into the kitchen, I saw my father was already dressed in a suit ready for work, and my mom was even ready. Both Luke and Ethan looked like zombies as they silently ate their breakfasts, this being so early to wake up. And Macey was just her usual grumpy Monday self.
Getting some of my mom’s amazing blueberry pancakes, I sat beside Ethan and ate quietly.
“Sorry, kiddos, but I have to head into the office early today. Let me know when you get back to school.” My dad made his way over to me to give me a hug. I stood up and wrapped my arms around him. I held on tightly, a bit longer than normal. I wanted him to know I loved him.
“Bye, Dad.” I got up on my toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek before sitting back down. Ignoring the loud kisses my father gave my mom, I continued eating.
It wasn’t long after my father left that we all had to get going. I had a class in thirty minutes, as did Luke. I wanted to get to my first class, English, and see Gage. I was just hoping he went to class today.
After giving my mom a kiss and promising to let her know what happened, we all piled into Luke’s car. All of us were silent as we drove back to campus, the boys and Macey too tired to make conversation, and I was too busy biting my lip thinking of ways to talk to Gage.
When we got to campus, we parted ways to go get ready for class. I said a soft goodbye to Ethan while Luke and Macey kissed. I was still kind of upset with him. Because Macey didn’t have class until a bit later, she immediately went right to her room and passed out.
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