by Barbara Goss
“He’ll listen, but we can’t demand He do what we want Him to. We have to merely ask, beg sometimes. Yet we have to leave the final decision to Him, and the hardest part is accepting that decision even if it isn’t the one we wanted.”
“I’ll try,” Amanda said in a small, unsure voice.
“Promise?” Luke whispered.
“Promise.”
He smiled and was gone. Moments later she heard them ride away. Helen had already fallen asleep. Amanda drew up her knees, hugged them, and prayed for the first time since her family died. She felt awkward after such a long time, but in several moments, the words flowed almost like old times. She prayed in earnest that the kind brothers would find their beloved sister, and if it be His will, she be alive. Her prayer may have been slightly awkward and short, but it was sincere, and Amanda felt peaceful afterwards. Rolled in her blanket, feeling closer to her Maker than she had in many weeks. She fell asleep.
The smell of coffee aroused Amanda. Her stomach churned, reminding her she hadn’t eaten much the day before, and now she was extremely hungry. Crawling over Helen’s sleeping form, she followed the smells outside to where Aaron had a fire and a pot of coffee brewing.
“What’s that?” she asked pointing to a slab of freshly cleaned game.
“Rabbit.”
“Breakfast?”
He nodded and smiled. “Sorry, no eggs and bacon.”
“I love rabbit.”
“You do?”
“Never had it for breakfast before, but Pa used to hunt, and we ate wild game all the time. My favorite is venison.”
He handed her a cup of hot coffee. “It will be a while before our rabbit is ready.”
She sipped the coffee gingerly. It was hot but delicious. “How long do you think it will take Luke and the men to find Celia?”
“Depends on how far they have to ride to find the right train.”
“Will we wait here or move with them?”
“Luke said to wait this time.”
Amanda liked Aaron but found conversation with him difficult, as he was so quiet and wasted no words. He wasn’t rude, for what he did say was softly spoken and kind. Yet she wasn’t sure if she should try to draw him into further conversation or leave him alone. So she sat quietly with her coffee and decided to follow his lead.
After several moments he surprised her by asking frankly, “Do you know God?”
“Sort of,” she answered.
“No such thing. You either know Him or you don’t.”
“It’s a long story. I come from a Bible-reading family, a praying family. When I lost them, I gave up on God and prayer. I know what you’re going to say, Luke said it all. It’s just that my wounds are still unhealed. It will take time, I guess. I prayed for Celia last night. I promised Luke would.”
He studied her carefully. He didn’t lecture her as she had expected. “Ah-h, you promised Luke.” He chuckled. It was the first time he’d done more than smile since she’d met him.
“Why do you care?” she asked pointedly.
“Because I love Luke.”
“And…” she prompted.
“In case…, if you and he ...,”he fumbled for words.
“We’re close friends, that’s all.”
“You sure?”
“I’m not ready for a commitment in my life. I need to get my belongings and find a way to San Francisco and Aunt Hattie.”
Aaron nodded.
“Luke brought back your things. They were strapped to the two extra horses. I put them behind your tent.”
Amanda breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. Now, I just have to figure out a way to San Francisco.”
Aaron shook his head. “I guess if you want to go that badly, Helen will take you. But I warn you, she’s not the type a girl like you should associate with. So I guess it depends on how badly you want to go. I’d hate to think of what you may become or appear to become in her company.”
Amanda sorted through her belongings. All her possessions and those of her family were intact. She washed in the small creek and put on a clean blue cotton dress with a white apron. By the time she returned, Helen was awake and drinking coffee with Aaron. Amanda noticed they talked intently, so she bypassed them and went to her tent. She folded bedding and straightened up, all the while thinking of how she’d get to San Francisco and Aunt Hattie. She’d miss her new friend, Luke, but she had a strong need to be with family.
Helen entered the tent, holding out a cup of coffee. “Here, Honey, Aaron said to finish off the coffee so he can clean the pot.” She held a cup for herself in her other hand. Helen plopped down upon the folded blankets. “So you’re in with these men, are you?”
“I was kidnapped, like you,” Amanda replied carefully, sitting down beside her.
“But now you’re in with them?” she asked, raising her eyebrows suspiciously
“I suppose I am, now that I know the truth about you and Charles and what you had planned for me and the other girls. Especially after what you did to Louise and Celia.”
Helen cursed before admitting, “I never felt good about that part. I preferred to use willing girls. That was all Charles’s doing. I tried to talk him out of that business, but....” She took a long sip from her cup. “Anyway, I always treated my girls good.”
Amanda smiled. Despite her faults, Helen was a likable lady. “You treated me well. I liked you. We would have gotten along, if….“
“We still could!” Helen exclaimed excitedly. She reached over and squeezed Amanda’s arm. “The business will be all mine. I can run it the way I want. I promise not to use any tricks. I’ll use only willing girls, like Bella. I can make you rich, honey.”
“You’re still going to San Francisco then?”
“Of course. Didn’t that Luke fella say I could rejoin the train, if I talked?”
“Yes, if your information was true.”
“It was. Come with me, Amanda, you’ll be my number one girl.”
Amanda jerked away from Helen. “In a brothel? I think not!”
Helen looked down at her hands. “You wouldn’t have to be a part of that. You could just be a hostess or even my guest.”
Amanda gazed at Helen with sympathy. Their lives were so different, yet Helen was a person with feelings, too. Helen’s life had probably been a sad one. Amanda tried to be gentle. “I want to go to San Francisco, but not in the company of ... of ...,” Amanda fumbled for the word.
“Saloon women?” Helen offered.
“Yes,” she answered. “I don’t approve of brothels or your hotel.”
“If you change your mind…”
“I won’t,” Amanda stated positively.
Helen stood. “That Aaron said he’d ride me back to the train. Won’t you at least come back to your wagon and continue to California?”
“You remember my friend Eliza from the train? The one with the baby? I gave everything to her and her husband in a letter that Luke delivered before they kidnapped you. In that letter I stated my intentions to return to Ohio and not continue to California. I’ve since decided I will continue to California, but not with the train.”
“How then?”
“I don’t know. But I’ll get there.”
Helen looked at her apologetically. “Will you look me up?”
Amanda looked down at her lap. “I’m sorry, Helen. As long as you’re in that type of business, I cannot.”
Helen cussed. “What’s wrong with a little drinking, gambling, and dancing? Those fellas need a little fun. It’s harmless.”
“Is it? What about Louise? And Celia? And how many others like them? What about the men who drink too much or gamble away all their earnings? What about morals and being God fearing?” Amanda stopped to take a breath. She had more to say, but Helen interrupted.
“Oh, no, not another sermon! Aaron already preached that sermon. I can’t take another Bible lesson.” She shook her head sadly. “But you know, he almost had me when he told me Jesus lo
ved me. Nobody ever loved me. He had tears in his eyes. Real tears, when he told me.” Her voice softened so that Amanda could barely recognize it. “I almost believed him. Somebody loving me! That’s a laugh.”
Amanda’s heart went out to Helen. She’d never seen her so soft or vulnerable.
“Why do you think no one could love you?” Amanda asked. “I did until…“
“Until you discovered how wicked I am; that’s the story of my life. No one ever cared what I did or how I behaved. Whenever someone came close to loving me, there was always some little thing about me that stopped them.
“When I was sixteen, I fell in love. I thought he loved me, too. I was so sure. Then when I suggested marriage, he laughed. I wasn’t good enough. I was from the wrong side of the hill. He kept saying, ‘If only, if only you weren’t from under the hill.’” Helen explained, “That’s what they called the district of Savannah where I lived, the wharf area. My mother was a ‘window waver’; a prostitute who waved sailors up to her room from her window facing the docks. My father must have been one of the many who answered her wave.”
It had never dawned on Amanda that women like Helen had pasts and unhappy childhoods. How ignorant of her. Of course they didn’t have loving families as she and Luke did. How could she be so quick to judge? She touched Helen’s hand. “I’m sorry.”
Helen shook off her melancholy mood. “Don’t be, honey, it made me tough. I survived. I don’t need anyone; I can make it alone. I have a nice place in Frisco-and money, too!”
Amanda thought about how close she had come to giving up her ideals for Charles and his money. What good was money without love? Everyone needs to be loved by someone.
“I love you, Helen,” Amanda squeezed out in a squeaky voice filled with emotion.
Helen hugged Amanda. “You came close, honey. You were special to me, too.”
“Don’t go back to the train and Frisco, “Amanda pleaded
“I have to, honey; it’s the only life I know.”
Amanda excused herself from the tent and searched for Aaron. She found him washing dishes in the creek.
“I would have helped you, had you asked,” she offered.
“I don’t mind,” he replied as he shined the old coffeepot with a rag.
“Did you tell Helen you’d ride her back to the train?”
“Yes, but it never dawned on me that I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I can’t leave you alone, and Luke would kill me if I took you anywhere near that train”
“Good.”
“Good? Why?” He asked with curious eyes.
“Helen told me about the talk you and she had. She said you almost had her when you told her Jesus loved her. Aaron, that’s her weak point. This will give you more time to convince her that God does care about her. She claims no one has ever loved her.”
“Why don’t you convince her?” he asked.
“Me? I--I can’t!”
“Why? You believe it, don’t you?” His eyes pierced hers until she was forced to look away.
“I’m still faltering myself. How can I convince someone else?”
“Why would you want me to convince Helen of something you weren’t sure of yourself?”
Confused and uncomfortable with being questioned on such a sore subject, Amanda turned her tearing face from Aaron and fled back to the tent.
9
The fire had Amanda momentarily mesmerized. A log suddenly shifted, and the fire crackled. Her body jumped slightly as she was rudely pulled from her daze. She looked across the fire at Aaron and Helen. All she could see were their faces; everything else blended into the darkness of the night. They usually listened to Aaron tell stories of the ranch and family, but lately their evenings by the fire had become quiet. Luke and the men had been gone for over a week. Had something happened to them? To Celia?
Aaron had spent much time with Helen during the week, but neither discussed their conversations with Amanda, so she didn’t know what they had talked about. Helen had been helpful and cheerful and hadn’t mentioned San Francisco or the hotel again. She also seemed as concerned for Luke, the men, and Celia, as she and Aaron were.
“Tired, Amanda?” Helen yawned.
She nodded. “Must have been all the laundry we washed.”
Helen stood. “Come, let’s turn in then. Maybe tomorrow we’ll…”
“Sh-h-h!” Aaron hissed, standing with his head cocked.
Both women froze.
Somewhere a coyote howled and an owl hooted.
Amanda shivered despite the fire. What did Aaron hear? Something dangerous?
“Get ready to douse the fire,” he ordered, running toward the nearby brush. “I’ll whistle three times like this,” he demonstrated his call, “then douse it and run to where the horses are hidden and wait for me,” He turned and disappeared into the bushes.
“I-I’m scared, Helen,” Amanda shivered again.
“Me, too, and I don’t scare easily,” Helen whispered
“What do you think Aaron heard?”
Helen shrugged. “I didn’t hear anything unusual.” They stood with arms wrapped around each other for several moments before Helen surprised Amanda.
“Wanna say a prayer?” she asked timidly.
“Together? I’m not sure I can; I’m too frightened,” Amanda said.
“But you’ve probably done it before, I never have.” She hesitated. “Never would have thought of it, except Aaron’s been putting notions in my head.”
“Aaron’s extremely smart,” Amanda said, taking Helen’s hand. “All right, here goes,” she whispered. Amanda asked God for protection in simple words, and both said, “Amen,” moments before riders on horses burst through the brush toward their fire.
It was moments before Amanda recognized Luke, Robert, Jared, and Jack. Aaron carried a blanket close to the fire and everyone closed in around them. It was Celia.
The figure in the blanket looked like a mere child, the bundle was so slight. As Amanda moved closer she could see, the girl was extremely thin and white. Luke motioned her even closer, whispering softly, “Can you help her, Amanda?”
Basic instinct made Amanda rush to the girl’s side and feel her forehead and loosen her clothing to make her comfortable.
Celia was barely conscious and weak. Once Amanda had examined her and made her comfortable, she was at a loss as to how to help the girl. Surprisingly, that’s when Helen took over.
“Aaron, get her into our tent,” she ordered. “You,” Helen pointed at Robert, “bring some drinking water.” To Luke she said, “Get her something soft to eat, berries, something....” Helen rushed into the tent behind Aaron, who carried Celia. “I’ll need your help, too, Amanda,” she called over her shoulder.
Amanda helped Helen feed Luke’s sister. Celia fought but was too weak to cause a threat to Helen and Amanda’s determination that she eat. Afterwards, Celia fell into an exhausted sleep.
“She’s so beautiful,” exclaimed Amanda as she smoothed Celia’s tangled and matted blonde hair. “She looks like a china doll and has Luke’s blue eyes.”
“And just as fragile,” Helen muttered. “I knew this one wouldn’t make it. I tried to warn Charles.” She swore mildly beneath her breath.
“You think she won’t make it?” Amanda gasped in horror.
“I meant make it to San Francisco. She was such a fragile girl,” Helen said.
“She’s weak and is probably suffering from malnutrition, but she might pull through. I wish we had some oranges or orange juice. She needs fruit. These berries Luke found might do the trick. They look like raspberries, and it’s about their season.”
“Amanda?” A male voice called her softly from outside the tent
She peeked out.
“How is she?” Luke whispered.
“Weak.”
“We’re all praying.”
Amanda, recalling her prayers when her family ailed, changed the subject. “Listen, you and the men h
ave ridden for days. Why don’t you get some rest? Helen and I will take turns watching Celia.”
“Thank you,” he whispered and was gone
Amanda took the first shift with Celia while Helen slept on a blanket nearby. The girl slept fitfully, sometimes grabbing Amanda’s hand fiercely as if in fright. Each time Amanda soothed her back into a peaceful slumber.
After a few hours, Helen woke, and they fed Celia again.
Once Celia fell asleep, Amanda curled up in the blanket and took her tum at slumber.
Amanda still could not understand how she slept through all the commotion that must have ensued that next morning shortly before dawn.
She awoke mid-morning, and it took her several seconds to recall where she was and what had transpired the previous evening. She immediately focused her eyes to Celia’s mat, but the girl was not there, and neither was Helen.
Still dressed in her blue-and-white gingham of the day before, Amanda rushed out of the tent. She stood frozen by the sight that met her. The bundle lay once more by the fire, but this time the blanket completely covered the figure inside. Everyone stood with heads bowed and grief-stricken faces. Amanda knew. Celia was dead.
Amanda walked toward the woods, found a seat upon a dead log, and cried. Poor Celia, so young and beautiful. She could have known such happiness. And her brothers loved her so much. Amanda looked upward. Why?
Sitting upon her log for most of the afternoon, Amanda watched the brothers grieve for their baby sister, mixing their crying with prayers. What did I do when my family died? I prayed, then mourned, and then refused to pray ever again. The memory of her own recent grief brought on a whole new flood of tears.
Amanda also worried about Helen. What would happen to her now? Because of her involvement with the man responsible for the death of their sister, surely they would not accept her. Helen had just begun to confide in God. What would this do to her newfound faith? Where would Helen go?