By the time Friday coffee break materialized she’d convinced herself that what he’d felt for her, if indeed he’d felt anything, had been a mistake and now he was in the throes of a passionate relationship with sexy Simone. It didn’t take nearly two weeks to consult on a patient, even one on the other side of the world. He’d probably tacked on a few days holiday and who could blame him.
Sitting nursing her black coffee in the canteen she let Iris’s voice flow over her even as she tried not to rise to the bait.
‘Hey Lids you’ll know.’ She said, a gleam of mischief in her eyes. ‘What’s this with Dr MM and sexy Simone then - I hear they’ve disappeared for a couple of weeks of passion on some beach or other? ’
‘I wouldn’t know Iris.’ She replied, clutching her mug in an effort to stop them shaking.
‘I wouldn’t blame him! Donal was telling me what a little tart she is, always bed hopping amongst the Consultants – her way of getting to the top, or “On top,” as he put it!’ She said with a snigger. ‘He’s due back tomorrow so you’ll have a good chance of checking them both out for love bites now won’t you?’
Liddy tried to ignore her, just as she tried to forget her words but she couldn’t. So she’d see him tomorrow and then she’d know. She’d know as soon as she saw them together. She pushed her untouched mug away before pushing herself up from the table. She’d rather do without her coffee than to sit here listening to Iris’s malicious tittle tackle. Tomorrow was her last shift before night duty and then leaving – lots to look forward to then – not.
Chapter Seventeen
Why was it the quieter the night the longer it felt? Liddy questioned, sitting updating the last of the care plans, one eye watching the clock making its tortuous journey around to eight o’clock.
‘Time flies when you’re having fun just as it does when you’re bored as shite’ was todays quote, she decided, stacking her patients’ notes into a neat pile before slowly making her way to the changing room. She couldn’t get Iris’s comments out of her head, just as she couldn’t dispel the feeling of gloom that had engulfed her like a big black cloud. Here she was, the supposed Ideal Girlfriend and she didn’t even know for sure if she had a boyfriend. She knew it was unreasonable to feel let down by his sudden departure, but let down was the only word to describe how she felt. If only they’d kissed properly on that last day. If only they’d more than kissed. If only…… There was nothing worse than this aching void of uncertainty that had invaded every waking moment and besieged every sleeping one.
She made her way to the car park, an anxious furrow marring her brow. Of course, now that he was back a little part of her half expected to see him leaning against his bonnet to offer her a lift, but it wasn’t to be. Not surprising really, she thought to herself miserably. If Iris was to be believed he was so wrapped up in Simone he’d have forgotten all about her!
Mounting her bicycle in the eerie dark her eyes snagged on the fairy-tale moon balancing precariously on top of a cloud. There was more chance of that bloody great orb being made out of gouda than there was of her ever sleeping with him. She’d had her chance that morning before travelling to Rathcoole - he wouldn’t ask again.
She cycled across Charlemont Street and past the now silent Barge Inn before making her way over Portobello Bridge, her mind still mulling over the problem, not that it was really a problem. It was more of a craving, a craving for more. She could still remember the feel of his lips as they brushed across hers, just as she could still remember the way her heart jumped as their eyes locked. If she’d been a betting woman, which she wasn’t, she’d bet a week’s chocolate that, at the very least he’d wanted to have sex with her.
Turning into Ranelagh Road she hopped off her bicycle and started to push it the last few metres to her gate; head bowed in tiredness. She thought about her cold lonely bed waiting for her - as wrinkled and unmade as she’d left it all those hours before. While most people were looking forward to breakfast, all she had to look forward to was a set of florescent pink ear plugs and Piglet PJ’s – another FedEx gift that had arrived this week from France. She heaved a sigh of frustration. When would her mother learn that she was twenty two and not two? Whilst PJ’s might be warmer they certainly weren’t sexier, or at least not the pair that she’d sent her - Who’d ever heard that the way to a man’s heart was through flannelette? Okay, he was a doctor and as such used to the unexpected. But even he wouldn’t expect to have to unwrap her like a parcel on its way to the Ant bleeding artic. As the image of him popped into her head she made a sudden promise to herself. Despite the weather and the gift being from her mum she was now going to sleep in the buff. It hadn’t ever done Sorcha any harm and it might even mean a bottle of ‘Ooh La La’ perfume from her mum instead.
Suddenly the silence was interrupted by the sound of her name.
‘Hi Liddy.’
She lifted her head with a smile. There he was, casually leaning against his car looking rumpled and creased as if he’d just tumbled out of bed. How could she ever have doubted he wouldn’t seek her out? How could she have ever doubted him - how could she have ever doubted herself?
But watching as he raked his hand through his hair all the doubts and uncertainties of the last couple of weeks, compounded by Iris’s comments came rushing back. She couldn’t understand why he was here at her door. They’d departed with no plans so why was he here and, more to the point why was he looking at her like that? In her bemused state of exhaustion her befuddled brain couldn’t think of one single reason for him to be standing in front of her.
‘What are you doing here - I thought you were meant to be in China?’ She was just too tired for subtleties, all she wanted was her bed. Well that wasn’t quite true, she added, looking up at those finely moulded lips. But she probably wouldn’t have the energy, the nerve or the inclination to get past first base the state she was in. It wasn’t just the busy week she’d had it was more the anxiety of not knowing where she stood. Did dating couples swan off to foreign parts at the drop of a hat without a by your leave or thank you? The very least he could have done was to have left her a message or even flowers; instead all she’d gotten was The Great Wall of silence.
Mitch ignored the first part of her question – it was something he wasn’t prepared to answer yet.
‘Beirut.’
‘Pardon?’
‘It was Beirut, not China.’
‘Oh, sorry. Everything….’ She paused, his words sinking in like a lead balloon. ‘Hold on a mo, isn’t that always in the news, isn’t that a war….?’
‘A war zone? Yep.’ He threw her a smile. ‘but I’m back with all my parts intact, apart from my appendix that is – however as I lost that when I was five I couldn’t very well expect anything else now could I?’ He didn’t want to think about the emergency surgery he’d had to perform in the middle of nowhere on a bomb disposal expert with a head full of shrapnel. He didn’t want to think about the fact he’d just gone thirty six hours without sleep so that he could return a day early, and all because he couldn’t think of anything other than the girl in front of him. If he hadn’t been called away even now they’d be a couple instead of standing around in the no man’s land of pre-relationship hell.
He focused in on her anxious smile – her anxious smile that gave him the confidence he needed to continue instead of bolting back to the safety and security of his car interior. He didn’t know how she felt about him, indeed if she even liked him a little. It was all very well Sorcha telling him he was in with a chance, it wasn’t her pride standing here waiting to be squished by an awkward glance, or a misplaced word.
‘Here - let me help you with that.’ He picked up her bike with one hand and her rucksack with the other before carrying them to her front door. ‘I was going to pick you up from the hospital but my flight got delayed.’
‘Oh, you shouldn’t be here, aren’t you jet lagged or something?’
He shook his head briefly before placing his hands o
n her shoulders.
‘I was sorry to have missed our meal. I was really looking forward to it.’
‘That’s alright. Work comes first.’
He cradled her face in the palm of his hand, wishing she’d look him in the eye.
‘Liddy, work never comes first.’ Glancing down he noted her pupils were as large as saucers. He’d really have liked to check her pulse just to make sure she liked him but he didn’t think she’d go for it.
‘May I?’
Chapter Eighteen
Part of her wanted to quip back:
May you what?
But if she did the moment would be lost so she went for the silent nod option: her gob had gotten her into too much trouble as it was.
He lowered his head and slowly brushed his lips across hers, as lightly as satin on skin. When their lips met she felt for some inexplicable reason as if she’d come home after a long journey. She couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t the feel of his lips against hers, it wasn’t the hands on her shoulders gently cradling her, it just felt right and of course dry – dry was good! She moved in closer, or as close as she could get without the toggles of her duffle from piercing her flesh, or even worse – his!
Raising her hands around his neck she felt his thick springy hair. Oh God, how could the feel of his hair through her fingers do something to the nerve ending in her groin? There was no way they could stretch that far surely? She wished now she’d listened more in class, but it wasn’t on her list of priorities then. Without thinking, she opened her mouth even as she felt him move his hands to the front of his coat. As he dipped his tongue to join her in a game of seesaws she was oblivious to his hands acting the intrepid explorer.
Only the honking horn of a passing motorist caused them to jump apart like guilty teenagers.
Liddy was only brought to her senses by the blast of cool air against her chest. Glancing down she found her coat wide open, her scarf nowhere to be seen, her cardigan unbuttoned and her thermal vest ruthlessly pushed out of the way to reveal her oldest saggiest and greyest of bra’s.
Even as her brain tried to work out how he’d managed it without her even noticing, she pulled her coat across her skin. She was embarrassed beyond belief, but at least he probably wouldn’t have noticed the vest – She bloody well hoped not!
‘Er well.’ She turned to the door and, rooting around in her pocket lifted out her door key, which for some reason didn’t seem to want to fit in the lock.
‘Here let me.’ Mitch encased her hand within his own and retrieved the key before easing it into the lock and opening the door. Bending, he picked up her bag and placed it in her outstretched hand.
‘Thanks, er good-bye then, I need to.….’
‘Liddy.’
She tilted her head to glance up at him. ‘Yes?’
‘Can I come in?’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. I need to sleep.’ She turned the handle and started pushing the door open.
‘I promise I won’t try and do anything – I just..…’ He paused to run his hand through his hair. ’I just need to hold you.’
And I just need to hold you too. But can I believe you and can I trust myself?
She’d meant to sort out contraception yesterday, but with having to go on nights it had slipped out of her head.
‘Okay, but no funny business.’ She said, staring him out, until he dropped his eyes. ‘I’m going to grab a quick shower, while you make me a cuppa.’
‘Yes, Sir!’
She glanced over her shoulder, but he had already found his way into the miniscule kitchen.
Of course as she dried herself from the shower she remembered she had a choice to make. She could break her promise to herself and wear her PJ’s or…..Well it was wrong to break ones promises, but there was no way on this earth she was going to bed with him with no clothes on. She reached for her serviceable dressing gown, a little smile hovering on her face as she decided which set of PJ’s was the most appropriate.
Hours later, spooned up against her sleep was the last thing on his mind. He should be unconscious with the lack of sleep he’d had over the last couple of weeks. It wasn’t just the jet lag he had to blame of course - ever since meeting her he’d been unable to sleep, he’d been unable to eat, he’d been unable to do anything other than work and think. The work was alright, but the thinking…..
He glanced around the depressing custard coloured room, but all he could sense was the heaviness of her left breast as it balanced on top of his right arm. He noticed the cabbage coloured curtains, but all he could see was her smooth skin, so pale against what remained of his tan. He felt the lumpiest of mattresses digging into his flesh and wreaking havoc with his muscles, but all he could feel was the beating of her heart.
The flat was abysmal, much worse than his university digs and a world away from his home, however she’d made the most of it all the same. Despite the faint smell of damp it was meticulously clean, although just like the lounge not meticulously tidy. She’d added throws and cushions to the bed so it was more like an eastern boudoir than an Irish flat - A mean feat when the colour scheme she had to work with resembled his mother’s vegetable rack. She shifted slightly, so that now he was hanging on the edge for dear life. But it wasn’t a problem, far from it as he felt her breast shift next to his hand. He wasn’t ashamed to admit that ever since he’d met her he’d deflected from being a leg man, to being a boob man. Well there were no laws about it that he’d ever read about – it wasn’t as if he was switching from Man U to Arsenal now was it?
Shifting his head slightly he looked at her shape outlined under flannelette. He had kept his word to the letter, but he was only human after all. He’d watched her remove her dressing gown, albeit with her back turned, and he’d relished in the smallness of her waist as it spanned to rounded hips, only to taper towards shapely legs. She’d allowed him to cradle her around the waist, but that was all. He hadn’t seen her, only felt what wasn’t on offer and he’d had the largest hard on to cope with ever since.
He’d lain there for hours unmoving as he felt her muscles soften in sleep and her breathing deepen. If he moved she’d waken, if she woke she’d make a decision, if she made the wrong decision…… He suddenly became aware of a lightening in her breathing pattern. He had two choices; feign sleep and let her take the lead or….. No, the temptation was too great; there was only so much a bloke could take.
Shifting slightly he eased her onto her back. Taking advantage of this new angle he raised himself on top of her, careful to brace his knees against the mattress so as not to touch her with any part of his body, except his eyes. Looking down he allowed himself to gaze at her length wrapped up in bright orange Tigger pyjamas, a reluctant smile pulling at his lips.
‘Afternoon sleepy head,’ he whispered next to her ear. He watched her eyes flicker open briefly, before squeezing tightly shut.
Liddy couldn’t believe she’d managed to get herself into such a position. When would she ever learn that men weren’t to be trusted? Was she daft or something to think that cuddling would be enough for a man like him - a man that could have his choice of any woman? She could feel his naked legs as they brushed against hers, just as she could sense the force that lay between those powerful thighs. Oh God - if she refused him he’d call her a tease, but if she allowed him to …. What then? He would have gotten exactly what he wanted and then he’d leave her; he’d leave her with exactly nothing.
She felt his hand as he trailed a finger down her cheek, before cupping her chin in his warm grip.
‘Look at me Liddy. There’s nothing to be scared of, I just want to make love with you.’
I know you do, you big eejit, what do you think I am anyway – stupid! But it’s easy for you now isn’t it. You can just walk away after getting what you wanted while I….. She twisted her head out of his grasp and turned her face away. While I’ll never be able to walk away; I’ll never be able to forget – I love you.
She fel
t her heart snap in two as those final words reverberated around her mind like unanswered echoes in an empty drum, even as she schooled her face not to betray her thoughts. Like all girls she’d dreamt about being in love, she’d dreamt about what it would be like to be loved in return – but never in her worst nightmare had she imagined it would be like this. She felt her eyes fill with tears, even as she frantically tried to swallow them back. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing just how much he’d hurt her. Oh not physically, he’d hardly touched her after all except with his eyes that is. She could still feel his gaze as it roamed untethered over her like an unwarranted and unwelcome blush, even as the silence between them stretched into eternity.
Could there ever be a worse position to find yourself in? To find yourself in love with someone that only wanted you for one thing. He didn’t want to make love with her – that was her line. He just wanted to have sex.
She huddled away, trying to curl herself into a little ball. How could she tell him what frightened her most, without losing him forever? What she feared most was herself. If she let him, what would happen to her, where would she end up, and finally would she be able to live with herself afterwards? Wasn’t it Tennyson that once wrote “It was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?” She’d already lost!
Mitch was starting to feel uncomfortable as unspoken minutes melted into an invisible barrier, an invisible barrier that didn’t come with any instructions for breaching. Here he was hovering over the most perfect girl in the world, so close he could feel her breath against his skin, and yet he’d never felt so far apart. He’d gazed at her, all of her and his heart was fit to explode at the sight – but it looked like she couldn’t even bear to look at him, let alone touch him. What the hell was going on? Why did she allow him to stay if…..? His mind froze into silence. Something cold had just landed on the palm of his hand. He slid his eyes across to see a big fat tear resting in its centre and watched, enthralled as the diamond like drop glistened briefly before dissolving into nothing. He would never be able to look at a diamond again without remembering this exact moment.
Ideal Girl (Irish Girl, Hospital Romance 1) Page 11