She made her way out of the lift feeling defeat before she’d even begun to plan her next strategy.
Chapter Thirty Eight
Mitch remained standing by the lift, his mind spiralling into freefall – all thought of what he’d just been doing, what still needed to be done, gone. All he could think about was Liddy: Liddy was back. But this was a very different Liddy to the one he’d last seen, lying cold and unconscious on the ground by his feet. It felt like a lifetime had passed since he’d found her splashed across the pavement like a…..he closed his eyes swiftly, only to open them again – he couldn’t bear to remember that particular image, yet he couldn’t bear to forget it.
It wasn’t that she looked different, she was different. Was it her hair or the look of hurt etched across her cheeks? Was it the fact she was now all sharp angles instead of soft curves, or the look of irrepressible sadness that seemed to surround her like an aura of tragedy? All he did know was, if it hadn’t been for those haunting eyes he wasn’t even sure if he would’ve even recognised her. He felt his heart clench as he remembered those eyes not so much haunting as haunted: Eyes that had seen too much of humanity - or should that be lack of - to last a lifetime.
She’d nearly died on the pavement by his feet. If he hadn’t been there she probably would have - but he was there and she was alive. None of that helped of course. None of it mattered. If he hadn’t been there she would have lived. If she hadn’t come back to his house, she would have had no need to be in the park and if he hadn’t rejected her they might even now be together. He just stood there not knowing what to feel, not knowing what to think. He’d thought he’d never see her again when her mother had dragged her across the Channel, but he didn’t blame her – If it had been his daughter he’d have done the same. She must think him the devil incarnate for.…. For loving her too much, for not loving her enough…...
He was blind to the people beside him who ended up having to resort to stepping around him in order to exit the lift. He didn’t see the interested looks sent in his direction. He didn’t see Simone shrug her shoulders in resignation before turning – if he had he’d have smiled with relief!
He’d always projected such a self-assured professional persona that to see him fall off his perch so dramatically meant the grape vine would be working overtime tonight.
He eventually pulled himself together enough just in time to see the light above the lift door stop. What an eejit! He’d been thinking up possible scenarios for when they next met - ever since she’d left if he was honest. Yet all he could come up with was,
‘Liddy. Your back!’
What a complete prat she must think him. As he headed quickly towards the long flight of stairs he tried to think of a way to rectify anything out of this disaster, but his mind was a complete blank. All he could focus on was finding her again, after that – nothing.
Liddy carried on up to Landing Four, wrapped in her own thoughts. She made her way through the heavy double doors working on auto pilot, still reliving over and over again the glance she’d intercepted between him and Simone. With a smile pinned to her face she went up to the desk and interrupted the two nurses frantically trying to snatch five minutes to write up their notes in between the constant ringing of call bells.
Drawing on all of her training she managed to thank them for caring for her as she handed over the tin of biscuits, and was thankful in return their questions were well-meaning and not too intrusive.
What plans, she thought bitterly. I scarcely know where I’ll be tomorrow let alone next week or next month.
She finally left the ward and made her way to the stairs, her eyes glued to her trainers as they glided smoothly over the highly polished floor. She didn’t have anywhere left to go, at least anywhere that she really felt wanted apart from her mum’s, and she’d finally decided that her future lay here in Ireland, not France. She still had to see her dad, but the energy that had been coursing through her veins ever since she’d walked off the ferry had deserted her, leaving her drained and exhausted. She barely had the energy to lift one foot after the other; the only thing that kept her going was the need to escape the bright clinical lights of the hospital and any risk of bumping into him again.
She looked up as she reached the top of the stairs only to find herself looking straight at him, leaning against the banisters as if he didn’t have a care in the world.
‘Er, hello again – what brings you back to Ireland?’ He asked, raking his hand through his thick hair in a gesture that had become all too familiar to her. It was what he did in her dreams.
Liddy dragged her eyes away from his, her mouth unaccustomedly dry.
It was a test, it must be. She was still reeling from the sight of him with sexy Simone, just as she was still reeling from her reaction to him. What was he doing here? He must have followed her, but he’d made it plain he hadn’t waited for her - not that she’d ever expected him to.
Liar! A little voice in her head shouted.
Of course you thought he’d wait for you.
She felt her cheeks grow warm as she remembered the letter that was still burning a hole of inquiry in her pocket. She could feel its outline pressing against her and, for the first time since it had been thrust into her hand felt the urgent need to be alone to read what he had written all those months ago. She suddenly felt on shaky territory. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know how to be until she found out how he felt.
She lifted her eyes to meet his and caught a look clearly expressed in their depths: admiration, hope perhaps…. She didn’t know - anything would do as long as it wasn’t pity!
Mitch looked at her, even as he saw the colour draining from her cheeks. He was at a complete loss as to know what to say to her. He was at a complete loss as to how to act. All he knew was he wanted to be with her, even if that meant walking away, he added confusedly. What could he say to her that he hadn’t said already? He’d set everything down on paper and she hadn’t replied or been in touch. For the last few weeks he didn’t even know if she was alive or dead for all the news he’d had. It was as if someone had wiped her off the face of the planet. Well now she was here and at least he would know one way or the other.
‘Hi, I was just dropping off some biscuits to the nurses that looked after me when…...’ Her voice fizzled out to nothing and he watched as she lifted a curl off her forehead.
‘You’ve cut your hair.’
‘Yes, well they had to cut it when, when….’
‘I like it, it suits you.’
God, this wasn’t easy, he wished he was anywhere other than trying to piece together a conversation with her.
Pull yourself together, man, for heaven’s sake. You weren’t chair of Trinity’s debating counsel for nothing! If all you can do is talk about hairstyles there’s really no hope.
Liddy was the first to drag her gaze away to glance quickly down at her watch.
‘Well, I hope….’ She said, before stalling. What did she hope? That he’d take her in his arms and hold on to her for ever? That he’d ask her out…. Yeah, as if? Anyway he’d tried both of those before and just look where it had gotten them: standing here on a landing with absolutely nothing to say. She started again. ‘Well, it was good to see you, but I’m on my way to meet my father so I’d better get going if I’m to avoid the rush hour traffic.’
‘Oh, I can give you a lift.’ he said, ‘I’m just heading off duty so…..’
‘No, no, it’s fine. I’m going to catch the Dart.’ She interrupted.
‘It’s no trouble Liddy, I’d like to.’
‘No! Thanks anyway. See you around.’ She said, slinging her bag over her shoulder and walking down the stairs, as if she was being chased by demons. As she reached the last step she couldn’t resist turning around briefly, only to see him still standing at the top of the stairs his face set in a cold mask.
Mitch stood and watched Liddy run away from him, her stick punctuation the silence with sharp taps. He
didn’t know what to do anymore. There was nothing left without her. He appeared to have lost his soul as he watched her heading down the stairs, her short dark curls bouncing on her pale neck as she went. He knew he had to let her go, he had no choice - she had made it pointedly clear she didn’t want to be anywhere near him. His face flushed as he remembered what he had said in his letter. His words, spoken from the heart couldn’t have been clearer. He had given himself to Liddy on a plate and she had chosen to ignore him. As he turned to head down the stairs to the consultants lounge for a black coffee he felt his mobile vibrate in his pocket. Lifting it out he saw it was Paul, but he pressed the red button. Now was not the time, maybe later after a hot shower and a whiskey or three.
Chapter Thirty Nine
With shoulders slumped Liddy made her way slowly to the end of the street and then just stopped; unable to move, to function, to think. She lowered herself onto the low stone wall beside her, ignorant of the sharp bricks biting into her denim clad bottom. After what had just happened she didn’t know what to do. It didn’t help that in a couple of days it was her graduation, and she still had no plans as to what came next.
It was obvious she wasn’t over him and there was a possibility she never would be if her reaction just now was anything to go by. But she couldn’t let what happened before happen again. This was her life and even though she didn’t know what to do with it she knew she wanted to be in control. Never again would she put herself in a situation whereby someone could think they could take advantage. If only he’d let her stay then none of this would have happened.
Perhaps it’s because of the way I dress or maybe because I’m not experienced. Well those are both things that I can change.
Standing up to make her way back to Sorcha’s she suddenly remembered the letter. She withdrew it from her pocket and, hands shaking withdrew the plain white notepaper from its envelope and started to read.
My Dearest Liddy,
For that’s what you are to me – I have to believe that the more I say it the more real it will seem. Even more so now you won’t even see me, you won’t even speak to me. I can’t begin to appreciate what you’re going though: I can’t begin to understand how something like that changes you/us. I only know that I want to help if you’ll let me and if you can’t – well if you can’t I’ll have to find the strength from somewhere to walk away.
Even in the furthermost corner of my mind I never thought I’d be lucky enough to meet you, the girl that I had been quietly waiting for. You burst in on my simple orderly life like a fire cracker and life has proved increasingly silent since your absence.
I should have been there with you. I should have let you stay, but I didn’t and I don’t know how to proceed now that I’ve failed you. My only defence is I was too blinded by my feelings for you that I wasn’t thinking clearly. If I’d been with you, like I should have been, instead of having some romantic notion of making you mine in both name as well as body none of this would have happened. I still torture myself with “What If’s.” What if I’d asked the question, what would your answer have been?
Your mum has said you won’t see anyone, but Sorcha thinks you need time and I’ll respect her judgement as she clearly loves you.
I hope at some point in the future my future will lie by your side. Until that moment I walk alone, better for having known you, but forever changed by the memories you have left behind.
Yours forever,
Mitch.
Liddy stood stock still, as she reread the letter; both hands clutching the white paper as if her life depended on it. She just had to find the part that had made her heart flip over.
‘Instead of having some romantic notion of making you mine in both name as well as body.’
She felt a wave of coldness sweep over her, akin to death as she realised the implications of his words. He’d been going to ask her to marry him. She’d never dreamed he’d ever get around to asking her - as her heart started to lift she realised just how much he really must have loved her, but surely that was then?
He couldn’t still could he? She remembered how she’d just treated him, her face flushing with embarrassment at how dismissive she’d been. She also remembered the look on his face as he’d watched her from the top of the stairs. There was no way he could have known she hadn’t read the letter, so in effect she’d just ripped up all his dreams for the future.
She ran back in the direction she’d just come, her mind a tangle of possible words and phrases she could say to him but, looking up she suddenly saw his Morgan pull out of the car park and scream away from her.
She followed his car with her eyes until he turned the corner out of sight. Bending to her knees before her legs gave way she finally realised it was over. There was no way she could crawl out of the hole she’d just dug herself: There was no way she would ever be able to answer the question hidden in his letter all these months.
With all thoughts of visiting her father washed away she slowly made her way back to Sorcha’s flat.
The two days to their graduation ceremony dragged slower than any other time previously. All Liddy wanted to do was to leave; to escape - But Sorcha and the rest of her set wouldn’t let her until she had fulfilled the purpose for her trip on paper at least. She didn’t feel able to visit her dad, but again Sorcha was there for her encouraging her to build bridges by asking him to the ceremony. Knowing there was no way her mother could make it she made the tentative call and ended up feeling relieved she’d made the effort. Perhaps after everything meeting in public for the first time since her accident would be better - she still was his little girl after all, even if she hadn’t felt that way for a very long time. He’d called her his princess like he used to and it brought back a flood of memories of how close they’d once been. She thought guiltily that part of the problem may have been her reluctance to accept that he’d chosen a different princess to her, but perhaps he had room in his life for her as well as his new family: A different room, but one nonetheless.
She didn’t even have the energy to pick out a gown and mortar board for the ceremony, but left it up to Sorcha to pick one up from Church Lane; however that’s where the lethargy stopped. There was traditionally a party for family and friends following the ceremony and this year a room had been booked at the Clareview Hotel. She’d been told in no uncertain terms she wasn’t going to embarrass the whole set by turning up in jeans, which caused a problem as this was all she had with her.
‘I mean it, Liddy. You will either have to buy something this morning or let me lend you something, even if it is “Over your dead body”!’
‘Okay, Okay. Do you still have that green dress I turned down?’ She looked frankly at Sorcha, willing her not to remind her of that day.
‘What, do you mean this?’ She answered, pulling out the crumpled dress. ‘You can’t mean to wear this can you?’
‘Well no one will see anything except the hem under the gown and if I add some beads it will be fine. You keep telling me it’s about time I glammed up a bit.’
‘I know but, oh well if you’re sure - I’ll need to iron it first though.’
‘That’s okay, I’ll do it. I’d like to try it on anyway to see if it still fits.’ She answered, taking the dress from her outstretched hand and heading in the direction of the bathroom. She placed it over her head and, sliding it down over her hips, was reminded suddenly of how the silky fabric accentuated every curve - even if hers were a lot less than they’d once been.
Looking in the mirror she didn’t recognise the pale girl in front of her with the short hair and wan features. It seemed a million years ago since she’d last looked into the same mirror with the look of hope stamped on her glowing features, but now all that remained was a nervous frailty. She realised with a shock she wasn’t the same girl standing there, just as she wasn’t the same girl on the inside. The old Liddy would never have had the nerve to wear the dress – the new Liddy didn’t give a toss! She looked again at herself in
the mirror and suddenly Bridie’s face transposed itself onto hers. Not as she’d last seen her in ITU, but as she’d seen her in all those countless photos on display in her study. She knew suddenly what she had to do.
Taking a deep breath she placed a big smile on her face and, reaching into Sorcha’s make-up bag slashed her mouth with bright pink lipstick.
‘That’s better. With a bit of make-up and a lot of guts we can pull this off.’ She said as Bridie’s image faded out to nothing before her. She didn’t believe in ghosts, Bridie suddenly hadn’t materialised in front of her like a fairy godmother in order to make things right. But she’d left her with a priceless gift all the same – the gift of knowledge. She had nothing to be afraid of anymore. She’d come through the other side, if not intact then nearly so. All she wanted to do now was to get on with it.
Blowing one last kiss at the mirror – a final salute to Bridie, a final salute to the girl she once was - she turned and sashayed out the room.
‘Ta Dah!’
‘Wow,’ if you’re sure Liddy? I’ve never seen you look so beautiful.’
‘I’m sure. If I can’t have the life I want, then I’m going to learn to want the life I have.’
‘Okay gal, I’m right behind you, you go get em.’ Said Sorcha, drawing her into her arms and starting to dance around the room. Much later, collapsed on the sofa in fits of giggles Sorcha, for once serious grabbed her hand.
‘Liddy, I’m not going to interfere this time. Borrow what you like and wear as much make up as you feel comfortable in. Just remember though that tonight I’m going to stick to you like glue, so if you want five minutes to yourself you had better have it now. Paul’s coming to pick us up at four o’clock and I’ve warned him already that tonight you are my number one priority, not him.’
Ideal Girl (Irish Girl, Hospital Romance 1) Page 19