Just Exes

by Charity Ferrell

  “Okay, what just happened?” Willow asks when I walk back in. Her face is filled with guilt as she stands with Samuel on her hip. “Did I cross a line, asking him to hold Samuel? Does he not like kids?”

  I shuffle back to my chair and sit down. “He needed to shower.”

  “Is he still coming to dinner?”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

  “Maybe he thought he really did smell.” She laughs while lifting Samuel up, smelling his diaper. “Maybe my little guy here had a dirty diaper, and he thought it was himself.”

  “Does he have a dirty diaper?”

  She frowns. “Negative.”

  I blow out a long breath. “He just randomly shut down. I don’t know what happened.”

  She plops back down in her seat. “Did you ask if he wanted a shower mate?”

  A snort leaves me. “Really?”

  “What? Sometimes, sex helps to figure out problems. He also might feel more open to discussing personal stuff post-orgasm.”

  I scrunch up my nose. “You want me to sex-manipulate him into sharing secrets?”

  “Wouldn’t hurt to try. Plus, shower sex is the best sex.”

  “Shut up,” I whisper, standing up and snagging Samuel from her. I lower my voice and cover his ears. “There are baby ears in here, and ew, I’d rather not listen to you divulge anything sex-related about my big bro.”

  She points to Samuel and laughs. “That little nugget heard sex talk hotter than that when he was hanging out in my womb.”

  “Ugh, you’ve now been demoted to my second favorite brother-dater.” I rock Samuel back and forth as an attempt not to assume the worst why Gage bailed on me. “Do you think this was his plan all along? For us to have sex, for him to draw my feelings for him back out, and then dump me like I did him?”

  “I’m not the best person to answer that question, considering I don’t know your history and all. Maybe talk to your brothers and get an opinion from a male mindset.” Her tone is now soothing, like she’s trying to put Samuel to sleep, but instead, I know it’s an attempt to make me feel better after Gage’s rejection.

  “Yeah, not talking to my brothers about my sex life.”

  “It’s worth a try. They went through a tough time that forced them to push the people they loved away from them. Maybe they can provide insight into what could be going through Gage’s head.”

  During my ride with Willow to my parents’ house, I had to stop myself from pulling out my phone and reaching out to Gage countless times. The fear of coming off too needy is what stopped me. Call it pride, but I can’t be the woman who fights for a man who doesn’t want her.

  Good thing I didn’t give my mom a heads-up that Gage was coming. Otherwise, I would’ve been answering questions while I watched her work around the kitchen as she waved away all my requests to help her. The only job she gives me is setting the table and laying out the food in her perfect spread. Every dish has the same place it’s had for years.

  “Lauren, honey,” my mom says next to me, mid-dinner, “you’ve been so busy. I feel like I haven’t had the time to talk to you about where you’re staying.”

  “Correction: you haven’t had the time to interrogate her,” my dad chimes in, resulting in a death glare from her.

  “Did you find another rental?” she continues.

  Dallas snorts. “Sure, if you count Gage’s being her landlord.”

  I throw a dinner roll across the table at him. “Shut up, big mouth!”

  My mother is weakly attempting to hold back her grin. “Have you two gotten back together?”

  I take a long drink of lemonade before answering her while all eyes are on me, even Maven’s. “Nope. Amos had the loft up for rent, and it was my only option until I find something else.”

  “You’re roommates then?” my dad asks, his face unreadable.

  “No, he’s staying in the main house with his dad.”

  My mom straightens out the napkin on her lap and isn’t camouflaging her smile any longer. “I think it’s just wonderful that you two are spending time together again. His coming home was a great surprise to all of us.”

  Now is the time to take advantage of my mom’s gossiping ways. If I can’t pull it out of Gage, maybe she can give me even a crumb. Anything will do at the moment because, right now, I feel like I’m fighting against the unknown.

  “Mom,” I say, setting my fork down, “do you know why he moved back, by chance?”

  “The word around town is, he was worried about Amos being sick,” she answers.

  “Amos is ill?” Dallas asks.

  “COPD,” my mom replies with a soft, concerned tone. “And an array of other problems, I assume, even though Amos is too proud to tell anyone what’s going on with him.”

  Gage’s dad is a prideful soul who isn’t one to accept handouts. Even when his wife died, he never asked for help. He worked two jobs, was present at every game of Gage’s, and did all the grocery shopping and cooking. The man lived for family, and it doesn’t surprise me that he’s still the same.

  “Is that all you know?” I push.

  What’s the plus of having your mom be in the gossip crew if she doesn’t give you anything juicy?

  “Sorry, honey. I wish I had more. He’s cloak-and-dagger about what happened in his life when he was gone, and so is Amos. Give him time. If you push, he’ll only pull.”

  I nod, and luckily, Hudson changes the subject. He has the best intuition on when to cut a conversation short and move on to something new.

  “Hey there, big brother,” I say, sitting next to Dallas on the porch swing after dinner.

  “Hey there, my mischievous little sister,” he replies.

  The sun is setting. My dad is in the yard, playing with Maven, Willow is taking care of Samuel and his dinner business, and my mom is deep into final wedding arrangements with Stella and Hudson.

  They’re having the ceremony at my parents’ house, which was a surprise to me. The fact that she’d trade out some big Hollywood nuptials for something small here made my heart warm.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I ask.

  “Asking permission has never stopped you before.”

  “It’s not exactly a question, I guess. More like advice.”

  He chuckles. “I might be the wrong person to go to for advice. I’m the dude who has to get that from others.”

  “You give good guidance,” I say, elbowing him. “Sure, you’re not the best at taking it when it’s your own life decisions, but you’ve helped both me and Hudson with our problems I don’t know how many times. If it wasn’t for you, Hudson and Stella wouldn’t be together.”

  He nods. “I won’t take all the credit for that one, but thank you for coming to me. So, what’s up?”

  I hesitate before answering for two reasons. The first being I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal than what it is, and the second being it might bring up painful memories for my brother.

  “Gage …” I pause. “He was married before he moved back.”

  “And?”

  “That’s a big commitment.”

  Other than my parents, Dallas is the only one in our family who’s been married. He also is no longer with his wife. The circumstances are different since he had no say in his marriage ending. He became a widower too young.

  He nods in understanding. “Committing to someone in the past can’t stop you from loving another, nor does it mean you have to keep the person in your heart forever. Not that I can say from experience, but people divorce for different reasons. But one thing to remember is, your heart is big enough to give people pieces of it. You can scatter your love along as you proceed through life. Maybe Gage was married, maybe he did love another woman, but that doesn’t mean he can’t love you, too.”

  “He’s a different man from who he was when we were younger.” Something else Dallas can relate to.

  “Yes, most people change as they get older.”

  I shove his side a
nd laugh. “Shut up, big head. You know what I mean. It’s like he’s carrying something on his shoulders that he can’t let go of.”

  “You think it was a bad marriage?”

  “I have no idea what to think. It’s so confusing. He said he didn’t love her, and whenever I bring her up, there’s nothing but hatred on his face. Maybe she did him dirty, and he can’t accept it?”

  “Could’ve been a messy divorce.”

  I stop myself from telling him about her being locked up. I’ll save that for another time. “There’s something I’m missing. He shuts down anytime I bring it up, and he does the same with Kyle.” I gulp and stop to determine if he can handle my next question. “How did you heal … you know … when you were broken?”

  “I fell in love again.”

  He tips his beer toward Willow. She’s in the yard with my dad now.

  “She’s who healed me.” He goes on after taking a drink, “If Gage is broken, be his Willow. Don’t push him, because admitting you’re hurting takes time and courage.”

  Twenty-Four

  Gage

  “You’ll make a great father one day.”

  I tried.

  I fucking tried.

  And failed.

  I don’t deserve to be a father.

  Had that chance.

  Fucked it up.

  I stomp through the front door, chug down a glass of water, and rest my forehead against the cool countertop.

  The five words that haunt me daily drift through my mind.

  “What did you do, Missy?”

  I throw my glass across the kitchen, hearing it shatter against the wall, hoping it does the same to those words crammed into my mind forever. I stare at the wall as if I’m stuck in a daze, wondering when the pain, the memories, the guilt will finally end.

  Never.

  My failure to protect him will haunt me forever.

  I don’t move until I hear voices outside. I creep to the window that overlooks the driveway. Lauren is strapping Maven into the backseat of the SUV while Willow concentrates on getting Samuel into his car seat. Lauren slides into the passenger seat and slams the door shut.

  It’s not until the car pulls away that I start to pick up the broken glass from the floor. Lauren has every right to be angry with me. I should tell her about him, but I can’t.

  Can’t open those wounds.

  She’d understand. She’d comfort me. She’d also look at me differently. I have yet to come to terms with what happened, so bringing someone else into it would only cause more damage. She doesn’t deserve that in her life.

  Doesn’t deserve being around a broken son of a bitch.

  “Hey, Pa, how are you feelin’?”

  I drop the box of pizza I carried out on the table and start dragging out plates.

  I haven’t talked to Lauren since I sped out of the loft as if I were on fire. There’s no way my behavior didn’t embarrass her. I’d finally gotten my girl back, had her in my arms, my bed, and I ruined it. I tried to handle my shit, but it was impossible.

  Holding Samuel and hearing Willow say he was drawn to me was too hard on my heart. She was wrong. So fucking wrong.

  “As happy as a tick on a big, fat dog,” he answers, falling into a chair. He snags a piece from the box and takes a bite without worrying about a plate. He speaks as he swallows down his food, “You moving back into the loft with Lauren yet?”

  I stay standing while grabbing a piece and throwing it on my plate. It won’t get touched. I have no appetite, but if I don’t eat, he won’t either. “You getting tired of me already?”

  He shakes his head. “Not even close.” The room quiets while he takes a long draw of Coke before he shrugs his shoulders. “Just want to see you happy, is all.”

  Instead of grabbing a Coke from the fridge, I choose a beer. Hopefully, it’ll help calm these nerves. “Doubt that will be happening anytime soon … or ever.”

  He drops his pizza and looks at me with pain in his eyes. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

  “I know, and you’ll be the first person I see if it comes to that.”

  Luke is the only person I’ve talked to about what happened. He was my best friend in Chicago and stood by me through my fight. He saw the highs and the lows, and he understood. Luke joined the fight against Missy and has been as hell-bent on her paying for her crime as I have.

  “She’d understand, too,” he adds, slipping the words through in a low tone.

  “Don’t do this.”

  “Don’t do what? Think about your future? I want to see my son happy. She’ll make you happy. She’s always been what makes you happy.”

  “A woman is not the basis of my happiness. Maybe in high school, yes, but shit changes when you grow up. Priorities change.”

  “She can help you heal.”

  I shake my head. “I need to get out of here.”

  I’ve been nursing my second beer for the past hour.

  It’ll be lukewarm and taste like piss if I take another sip, but I’d put money down on that not happening. Even though I walked into Down Home Pub with every intention to get ass-face wasted, I can’t.

  There’s a massive fear embedded in me that always stops me from finishing my second drink. There’s unease in the back of my mind of something bad happening. My phone could ring at any second with tragic news—at least, that’s what I tell myself.

  I wonder if I’ll always have that uneasiness or if, eventually, it will fade away.

  Will he fade away?

  I shake my head and force myself to take another drink.

  Yep, tastes fucking terrible.

  “There’s a handsome man I didn’t expect to see tonight.”

  I peek over my shoulder to find Sierra pulling out the barstool next to mine with one hand while gripping a drink in the other.

  Fuck.

  Dealing with Kyle’s kid sister isn’t what I need tonight.

  “Why do you say that?” I ask when she sets her drink down on the bar and makes herself comfortable.

  “You never replied to my texts.”

  She doesn’t appear to be pissed. It’s more along the lines of annoyed. It’s not a lie that Sierra has grown up and found her sexuality. She’s attractive, fun, and most likely isn’t looking for a commitment.

  I move my neck from side to side, hoping to release the tension shooting up it but fail. “Not exactly a good idea to sext your best friend’s little sister.”

  She flips her blonde hair over her shoulder. “Your best friend’s very legal little sister.” She holds up her beer. “Looky here, I’m even old enough to drink.”

  “Fair point.”

  Doesn’t mean I’ll be putting my hands on her. I’ve always seen Sierra as a little sister, nothing more. Even if I didn’t, I’d never betray Kyle. That’s a line you don’t cross.

  She swings to the side, so she’s facing me, and she rests her elbow on the bar. “Care to be honest about why you ignored me? If you’re not interested, I totally get it. Just be up-front with a girl.”

  “Don’t think there’s an easy way to say it without pissing you off.” I’m not a dick. I don’t want to hurt the chick’s feelings.

  “I’m not easily offended,” she answers around a laugh, “but this little exchange answers my question.” She turns to face the bar and bumps my shoulder with hers. “Don’t worry, Gage man; I don’t take it personally.”

  I nod. “Appreciate that.”

  “So … what girl don’t you ignore?”

  “Huh?” I’m halfway in this conversation with her. Half of me is listening while the other half is thinking about someone else.

  “You’re drinking in the corner of a bar, looking like someone ran over your dog. There’s a story, and most of the time, this type of behavior is caused by someone’s relationship problems.” The happiness in her face falls, unmasking that Sierra isn’t as playful as she puts on. “Trust me, I’ve been there.”

  “Not a specific problem. Proble
ms,” I correct.

  “One of those problems Lauren?”

  I shrug. Not about to seek relationship guidance from the youngin’.

  She holds up her hand when Maliki looks our way. “Get my friend and me another drink.”

  Maliki nods and slides two beers in front of us while shaking his head at Sierra. “It’s weird, serving your young ass here.”

  She grins. “I’m legally allowed to drink now, so no more kicking me out of this place and confiscating my fake IDs.”

  He laughs. “I’m sure going to miss that weekly occurrence.”

  She hands Maliki her credit card and glances over at me when he leaves to help another customer. “You want to talk about it? I’m a woman, so I like to think I’m good at giving advice about women.”

  I move my piss-warm beer to the side and grab the fresh one. Here goes nothing. “It’s hard to … rekindle with the woman who fucked you over before.”

  She nods. “Understandable. I know what it feels like to love someone and not have him … or her, in your case.”

  I ignore her comment, hoping it wasn’t directed at me.

  She laughs. “I’m not talking about you. Even though I’ve had a crush on you since you and my brother have been friends, there are other men in this godforsaken town who like to play games. Not to say I wouldn’t forget about them had you come to your senses and hung out with me.”

  “I’m the brother’s best friend. Off-limits crush, huh?”

  A playful smile hits her lips. “I’m so basic.”

  “It sucks that we can’t help who we like.”

  “Or, in your case, it sucks that you can’t help who you love.”

  “Little one, I came here to forget my problems.” I gesture to Maliki for another round while finishing off my beer. Fuck it. I deserve to forget for a night. “So, if you want to keep a man company, let’s chat about football, random shit, what you were up to while I was gone.”

  She salutes me. “Aye, aye, captain.”

  Our drinks arrive, and I sit back in my chair, drowning my thoughts, while she takes over the conversation.