by Kira Blakely
They walked out, and when they got to his car, he opened the door for her. Hope slid into the sleek little sports car, and he went around to the driver’s side and got in. He cranked the engine but did not put the car in reverse.
“I’m sorry if that was out of line.”
“Oh, it was way out of line.” Hope’s head turned so that she could meet his eyes. A smile lifted her lips into a wide grin. “It was also perfect. I wanted to clobber you, not going to lie, but I really appreciate that anyway. I have never seen him so speechless. Ever.”
Jackson’s hand found the gear shift. “I am guessing speechless is not something he is, typically.”
“No.”
The shortness of the word told him everything else. He backed out of the driveway slowly, then sent the car up the street. He said, “I’m sorry.”
Hope’s sigh lifted her shoulders and dropped them again. “Me too. I had hoped that with you there he might not be such a jerk. I sort of used you, and I am sorry because I dragged you into something so awful.”
He said, “Family can suck.”
She twisted her slender fingers together. A vertical slash appeared between her clear eyes. “Mine really sucks. Oh, on paper they all work out. But…well, you know. I don’t know why he is that way; he just is.”
“He’s an ass.” Jackson hooked a finger over the turn signal as he coasted to a light. “There’s that.”
Hope rubbed her fingers along that slash mark between her drawn-down eyebrows. “Yeah, that. That, and he has never forgiven my mom for having a husband before him, or me for being someone else’s kid.”
“I read that.” He had. He said, “If it makes you feel any better, nothing that happened in there was anywhere near as awful as what might happen in my folks’ house at any given time.”
She chuckled, but it lacked humor. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. They’re both clean now, but when they were both on dope, anything was likely to happen. I live in terror of the day they decide to get back on something. I sometimes think they actually might be, but with them it’s hard to tell. It’s not like they are not damn good at lying about it anyway.”
Her gasp was soft, and the hand she laid down on his knee sympathetic. “Shit. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He really hoped she would not move her hand either. The feel of it, warm and alive, burned into his skin through the material of his slacks. “They’ve been clean for…um…six years, I think. Not bad, all things considered.”
“What were they on?”
“It would be a shorter list if I told you what they weren’t on.” He said the words lightly, but there was real bitterness still lodged below that. “They did whatever was easiest and cheapest to get. Crack, heroin, pills, and meth. You name it, they have smoked it, snorted it, popped it or shot it up in their veins.”
She spoke with feeling. “That had to be hard for you.”
“It was. The thing was, they were functional, unlike a lot of the parents in my neighborhood. They never lost me to social services. They never let the electricity get cut off. They never lost the house. They did it just enough to be junkies, but not enough to ever hit rock bottom. It was like being trapped above the last circle of hell, always knowing it could be so much worse, and wondering when the bottom would drop out.”
“You grew up here in the city right? You and Ashton grew up together?’
“Sort of. He was a foster kid, and there was a woman down the block who took on foster kids, her and her husband. Ashton stayed with them until he got sent off to juvie.”
Hope said, “It was that street fight you two got into that got him locked up, wasn’t it? You didn’t get arrested though?”
“I got arrested, but up until then, I had kept my nose clean. Don’t get me wrong, I was no saint; I was just smart enough not to get caught. The thing about my folks was that they were addicts who wanted everyone to think they weren’t, and so I learned how to do all the wrong things while pretending to everyone that I was doing all the right stuff. Ashton is so honest he can’t hide anything, so he got caught a lot.”
Hope leaned back into the plush leather seat and stretched her long legs a bit before saying, “I think you’re honest.”
That statement made his heart swell a little. “You do?”
“I do. You’ve never lied to me, anyway.”
He gave her face a quick look then said, “To be fair, I have never needed to.”
“Well, there is that.”
He squirmed slightly. “Okay, that was a pretty shitty thing to say.”
“I’d agree.” She took her hand off his knee, and said, “But even that was honest.”
On a whim, he took a left at the light. She asked, “Where are we going?”
“To my hood. My folks aren’t there anymore. When I made some decent money I moved them out. It’s pretty rough.”
She asked, “So why are we going?’
“Because there is something I want to show you.”
“Okay.” She didn’t ask what it was, and he was grateful for that. The roads were barely filled with cars that time of night, and so the drive went by a lot faster than it might have.
The old streets looked twice as gritty and rundown as they once had. The houses sagged, their chain link fences slumping toward the ground. The lots between, where houses were lost to foreclosure and neglect had stood, had all gone to weed and seed. The broken bottles and piles of cigarette butts on the curbs said the rest of the story.
Jackson asked, “Where did you live before your mom married the supreme douche?’
Hope said, “I don’t know. They pretty much erased every trace of her life before him. Talking about it was forbidden. All I ever knew was…well, what he just said. It seems he is allowed to say those things, but she was never allowed to talk about my dad. I know his name, of course, and I did a search on him a few years back. He was a guitar player in a blues band and an orphan, too. He was raised in foster care, and so there was nobody else to ask or talk to who might have known him.”
“The guys in his band?”
“They all used these weird stage names. It was part of their gimmick, I guess. If they are still around, I can’t find them.”
“I’m sorry. Nobody deserves that.”
“No.”
He said, “I get it now. Why you don’t want to be with a guy who only cares about money. I didn’t before. I thought it had something to do with you being raised with money, and so it not being important to you, but being raised in a house where it is used as a weapon and a yardstick of someone’s worth must have really turned you off on the idea of it.”
She blinked a few times. “You just put into words everything I never could. That was exactly how it was and still is. I was sitting there, wondering why I still go to those dinners every month when I know what they are going to be like, and part of me knows it is because I do love my mom. I mean, she’s my mom. But the other part of me knows that whatever she feels about me, she sold it off a long time ago. She sold my happiness off for those hideous marble floors and that housekeeper.”
“I have marble floors.”
She groaned, “No way.”
“Totally. But in my defense, I would not know marble floors from a hole in the ground. Also, I am pretty sure I am supposed to do something to keep them clean, but so far I haven’t done much more than buy a broom.”
Hope’s laughter filled the car. Jackson’s joined it as the car slid to a halt in front of a small house with dark windows and a bowed roof.
He said, “That is where I grew up.”
Hope peered past him. “It’s…”
“It was clean and warm, if not safe.” He looked at her. “I brought you here because I wanted to talk about my folks. I told you part of it, but not all of it.”
Her hand clasped his. “Go ahead.”
“Living with people who function despite addiction made me have to learn how to take care of myself real fast and early. I me
an, they would be up all night, and then they would pop some magic pill that would get them through the day. Then, they would come home and do something else. They would take a pill to sleep and powder to wake up. They went to work every day, and there was always food in the house, but when people are tweaking – that means when they are high on some kind of amphetamine – they lose track of time.
“They might not eat for a few days. The drugs, you know. They did not feed me either because…well, you know. They were busy getting high. But there was food. I learned how to get it for myself. I learned how to take clothes tumbling in the dryer for the third day in a row out and fold it and put it away. I learned not to believe that anyone was ever going to do anything for me.”
“Jackson, I am so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I was not telling you that so you would be sorry. I have a point here. They were never affectionate, not unless they were sure the Earth was ending, and that happened a lot. You should have been around when the year 2000 hit. Or when they thought a major disaster that was going to kill off the Earth was headed our way.
“I learned that the only way people would love you was if they were afraid they were about to lose you. I was an asshole in every relationship I ever tried to have, because I wanted…well, I didn’t know how to have anything without some kind of crisis looming over us. That kind of drama sucks, and so nothing ever worked out.”
“Jackson, am I…I need to ask you something.”
He heard the trembling in her voice. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Jackson, do you know that I love – really love – what I do and that there might be a day when I actually do not have time to spend with you. If this goes to the clinical trial stage I hope for, then I will be working sixteen hour days and more. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be there, and I do not want to feel like we might lose each other because of what matters so much to me, but it is a real possibility, and this is probably the worst possible time to bring that up given what you just said, but there it is.”
Jackson felt his heart give off a powerful ache. He had always known those things, and he worried that one day she would not have that time for him. He said, “That is the whole reason I brought it up.”
“It is?”
“Yes. I do not want to lose you. I also do not ever want to be a guy who does not support you the whole way. More than anything else, I want to be the guy who is there for you. I want to be the guy who stands by you.”
“But there is more to it than that. You see, writing that program, knowing I was doing something that would impact someone’s life in such a major way made me feel good about myself in a way that nothing else ever has or could. I do not want to lose that feeling.”
She asked, “What are you saying?”
“I am saying that if the board refuses to give you the money, I will donate it from my own pocket. Not a loan, not an investment, but a donation earmarked solely for your research for the year.”
“You’re insane!” Her cry echoed around the car. “It’s a five-million dollar a year thing, Jackson! You’d be basically throwing it away.”
He took her chin in his hand and stared into her eyes. “Do you believe in your research? Do you honestly believe that you can do what you think you can do?”
“Yes.” Her voice was breathless, and tears stood up in her eyes. “I do. All the way down to my heart and soul I believe it, but it is one thing to use money raised for the purpose of research and entirely another to take your money and use it.”
“How so?”
“I cannot guarantee you a return of it. In fact, I can guarantee you will never see it again, and I know exactly how hard you worked for that money.”
“I can promise you that the only return that I need is to know I did something that mattered to someone, somewhere, even if it is just you.”
“No.”
What the hell? He was trying to give her what she really wanted and needed. He was trying to be supportive and let her know he would stand with her. So why was she being so stubborn?
Hope said, “Jackson, if you don’t mind, I’d like to just go home now.”
He put the car in drive without another word.
12
CLARA ASKED, “Are you insane or just…insane?”
Hope dunked fries in ketchup, and said, “Both.”
Clara shook her head. “You broke up with him? For real? After what he did to Dad, I would have thought you would rush him to the altar.”
Hope actually managed to laugh at that. “I know, right? It was pretty spectacular. By the way, I am banned from all future dinners.”
Clara shrugged. “I wouldn’t care if I were you. Also, I am going to have to refuse to go on principle now that you have been banned.”
“Oh, so you are using me to get out of going.’
“You better believe it.” Clara did not even look ashamed when she said that. “For real, Hope, how could you break up with him for offering to do something so amazing?”
“Because I don’t want…I want to do this on my own.” She dusted her hands off and stared down at the remains of a double bacon cheeseburger and the dwindling pile of fries. “I don’t want him to give me the money just because he is with me.”
“You do know he probably offered it so you would know he supports you?”
“Or maybe he offered it so he could feel good about himself.” Hope picked up the burger and took a hearty bite, but the juicy and delicious thing might just as well have been made of sawdust for all the pleasure she got out of eating it.
“Does it matter, really?” Clara rolled her eyes. “Listen, I think you’re being crazy. You got turned down by the board, your research is on hold, and you are in a damn big danger of not even having a place to live without funding. Plus, he is a great guy. Do you know what I would give to have a guy that would not only stand up for me but stand beside me and do whatever he had to make sure I had the career I want and need in my life? Man, I would just about sell my soul for that, and you had it, and what do you do? You break up with the guy!”
Hope flinched. “When you put it that way it does sound irrational.”
Clara sipped at her mineral water. “Because it is.”
Just then, a guy strolled up to their table and said, “Well hello, Clara.”
Clara’s face took on a taut look and a false smile. “Hello.”
Hope looked from one to the other. He grinned broadly. Clara kept smiling that patently false smile.
Clara said, “Can I help you, Stephen?”
He chuckled. “I just saw you sitting here and thought I’d say hello on my way out.” His eyes held Clara’s, and Hope sensed the currents flowing between them. Intrigued now, she watched them stare each other down with real interest.
Clara broke that stare, and said, “Have a good day then.”
He chuckled and walked off. Hope leaned across the table. “What was that all about?”
“That? Nothing.”
Hope leaned back, her eyes narrowing. “Uh huh.”
“He’s a trust fund baby who happened to make his own fortune on top of the fortune his family set aside for him. He’s an arrogant rotten jerk, and I hate him.”
Clara’s words made Hope grin. “I see.”
Clara gave her an exasperated glance. “So, back to you.”
“Oh no, this is way more fun. Have you ever gone out with him?”
Clara asked, “Stephen? Hell no.”
“Why not”
“I just told you why. And we were not talking about me and we are not either. So there.”
Hope’s laugh was genuine then. “Oh, I see. You can give me advice but I can’t give you advice?’
“There’s a difference. I know the guy you are dating, and I am not dating Stephen, and you do not know him. Nor do you want to. I promise. He takes smug and condescending to whole new levels.”
Hope wanted to keep that conversation going,
but since this was whole new ground for her and Clara, she decided to drop it. She said, “You know, I’m sorry we weren’t better friends when we were younger. I mean, we never really got to talk like this or share stuff and all that.”
Clara said, “That is because they pitted us against each other. We were bred to compete, Hope. Being friends would have undermined everything.”
“But you still stuck up for me that night. Hell you have always stuck up for me.”
Clara said, “How could I not? It sucked to be me, and I knew it sucked to be you, too.”
“I didn’t stick up for you.” Hope’s spirits flattened. “I am so selfish, Clara. I never tried to stick up for you, because I figured you got a hell of a lot better treatment than I did, but it was not all that better, was it? They held up everything I did like a carrot in front of a mule, and they always expected you to do better than what I had done before you.”
“The difference is that I thrived on it. I have a lot of Dad in me. Oh, come on. Don’t look at me like that. I don’t do anything for him or so he can brag. I do what I do because I love it. I love my job, and I love the pressure and the craziness and all of it. Just like you love what you do. And the difference between us there is that I would do anything to stay in the game I am in, while you seem intent on shooting yourself in the foot.”
Hope thought about that last statement for a long time after she and Clara parted ways that afternoon. She sat in her apartment, trying to think. The board had come back with a resounding no to her budget and to giving her more money, and she had let Jackson’s texts and calls go unanswered for a whole week.
He had not called or texted for the last two days. That silence of his spoke volumes. He had given up on her, and how could she blame him?
Tears swept down her cheeks.
She had had such a good thing, and she had screwed it all up by never being the one to put effort into that relationship and by saying no to him when he had tried to give her the money she would need for another year’s worth of research.