Zack looked up at me in surprise, before his gaze drifted to where my fingers traced over his arm, and then he met my gaze again. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I wanted to tell you. I really did, but I just couldn’t.”
I sighed. “It’s okay,” I said, giving him a small smile that he returned.
“You’re not mad?” he asked me.
I shook my head. “I’m fine. I understand why you didn’t tell me. It’s okay.”
He looked so relived as I said that, and for as upset as I’d been a few minutes earlier, I couldn’t stay mad at him, especially with the reasons he’d just given. I wished he wouldn’t have kept it from me, but I understood why he had.
Zack squeezed my hand and mouthed, “Thank you,” his gaze never leaving mine.
“Zack, you guys were incredible,” Rachel said sincerely, and I knew it was her way of trying to apologize for pushing the issue on a sore subject. I just wasn’t sure it would work.
Zack looked over at her and gave her a small smile, though, so it seemed to have done some good. “Thanks.”
“Seriously, Em and I love your stuff. We totally caught one of the shows you did in Durham during our sophomore year. We’ve probably listened to your album a hundred times, easily.”
I held my breath as I waited for Zack’s response, but he didn’t say anything at first. He knew I loved Liar’s Edge, but I didn’t think hearing it again would make things any better. Then his face broke into a wide grin, as he flipped the switch on his mood once again, surprising me as he always did when he was being bi-polar.
“You really liked us that much?” he asked Rachel.
She nodded vigorously, and Zack turned to me to gauge my reaction.
“You know how I feel about Liar’s Edge,” I said, playing into his sudden good mood. I always liked him better when he was smiling, even though I knew he was in pain beneath the surface. “And since I had no idea who you were when we listened to that song, you know I was being truthful.”
Zack smiled at me. “You said you liked my voice,” he said quietly.
“I did,” I said. “I do, but it’s the lyrics – your lyrics – that made me fall in love with the band.”
The knowledge that he’d written some of the most soulful lyrics I’d ever heard made me want to tell him something I knew I couldn’t. I was in awe, and the feelings I had for him had multiplied in the past few minutes with the knowledge that he’d had his dreams at his fingertips, and he’d given them up for his mom.
I knew then why I’d never realized who he was. When he was singing the work of others, he sung it well, but when he was the front man for Liar’s Edge, you could hear the emotion in each one of his songs. That was what made him so appealing as a musician. It was why I’d fallen for him. It was as simple as that, but I also knew I was getting way ahead of myself, and I couldn’t dare share what I was thinking with Zack. I had to bring us back to safe ground.
“I can’t believe that two years ago when I was lusting after the hot lead singer from Liar’s Edge, I was actually lusting after you,” I said, pulling him to me, so I could kiss him, keeping things light.
“I guess so,” Zack said coyly against my lips.
I pulled back so I could stare at him. “You do realize you’re pretty much a rock god,” I told him, certain I sounded like a star-struck fan.
Zack raised an eyebrow at me. “I wouldn’t go that far.”
I raised an eyebrow back at him, and he smirked at me. He knew exactly how he affected women when he performed. I realized that his status as a ridiculously hot lead singer of a band had no doubt afforded him the ability to be decidedly ‘not celibate’ as he’d said, and I wondered how many women he’d hooked up with just because he looked so good on stage. I honestly didn’t want to think about it.
“Do you think you’ll get back together?” Rachel asked, her mind on the music as she launched into reporter mode.
Zack got a sad look on his face, as he said, “I don’t think so.”
There was so much emotion loaded behind his statement that he didn’t have to elaborate on it for me to know how much he wished his life was different. The guy I’d seen on stage two years earlier was not the same guy I’d spent my summer with. That guy had been carefree and playful and optimistic about life. The Zack I’d met could still slip into who he used to be at times, but it was evident that he had too many heavy things weighing on his shoulders to ever completely be that guy again. It was like he was broken, and there wasn’t anything that could fully fix him.
“Hey, never say never, man,” Leo said as he strode back to where we were sitting.
“Not going to happen, Leo,” Zack said firmly, looking up at him.
“I’m just saying. We’ve got two beautiful fans right here. Think of how many more we could have.”
Rachel and I turned to look at him.
“You were in the band, too?” I asked, not believing I hadn’t recognized either of them.
“Yeah,” he said. “I played the bass. Still would if Zack ever wanted to start things up again.”
“I’m in, if Zack’s in,” Derrick said, sauntering up behind us with Molly and Chase in tow. He slunk down onto Rachel’s towel and put his arm around her. “Especially if this hottie comes to our shows.”
On her other side, Chase stopped in his tracks, suddenly glaring daggers at Derrick. “She’s got a boyfriend, man,” he said, taking a step forward, but Rachel stopped him when she put her hand up.
I thought it was kind of sweet that Chase was acting all big brotherly toward her, but she wanted none of it.
“I’ve got this Chase,” she said, as she made a big production of lifting Derrick’s arm off her shoulder. “Sorry, Derrick, but you had your chance. You probably shouldn’t have forgotten to call me back after the beautiful night we had together.”
I watched Chase’s mouth drop open before his eyes turned to slits, and I wondered if he had a crush on Rachel that he wasn’t admitting to. It would certainly explain why he’d been acting so weird since she’d gotten to town.
“We could have another beautiful night together,” Derrick countered, and I thought Chase might lunge at him.
Rachel just shook her head in pity. “Sorry, dude, I’m taken.”
With that, she got up off her towel and said she was going inside to get a drink. Chase watched her for a few seconds before starting up the beach after her. I wondered if he was losing his mind.
“So you really liked the album that much?” Zack asked me, changing the subject.
“Of course,” I told him. “I loved it. I still love it, but I’d love it more if all of your songs were on there. Did this one not make the cut?” I tapped my fingers against his tattoo again.
“We had plans to record another album, but we never ended up doing it,” he said, that wistful look crossing his face again. “Jump was going to be on it. I wrote it after we released our first album, so we didn’t get to include it.”
He got that far off look in his eyes that he got so often, and as much as I wanted to find out why, something in me told me not to probe.
“Will you play it for me?” I asked, begging just a little with my eyes. “I want to hear the song that meant so much to you that you branded yourself with its lyrics.”
Zack smiled, his attention shifting back to the present. “I haven’t played it for anyone in a long time, but I’ll do it for you.”
God, how I want to tell him I loved him, but I just couldn’t. We were keeping things casual, and I had to keep pretending I was okay with that.
Chapter Twenty-Three
As we dressed to go out that night, Rachel and I listened to Liar’s Edge, and I dug through what she’d brought while she took the opportunity to riffle through my drawers. I still had a hard time realizing that the amazing voice belting out some of my all-time favorite lyrics was Zack’s. I’d listed to that album for so many years, and all along, it was him I’d been listening to.
“Cute shirt,” Ra
chel said, trying on a slinky black top that dipped way down in the back and tied around the neck. I’d gotten it when Molly had taken me shopping.
She modeled it in front of my mirror while I tried on a strapless black cotton dress that she’d brought. “You should see my leather mini skirt. Zack’s a huge fan,” I said, grinning widely.
“I’ll bet he is. Ooh, I love that on you,” she said, spinning around to look at me. “You’re definitely wearing that. And I’m wearing this.”
By the time we were ready, she’d donned a silver ring on her index finger, a thumb ring on her other hand that was similar to the one Chase wore and big hoop earrings. She’d done her eyes, so they looked smoky and seductive. She looked hot, and I knew she’d be fighting the guys off all night.
We were heading to a bonfire, so Zack had his guitar with him when we stopped by his house to pick him up. He held it with one hand and my hand with the other, as we walked behind Chase, Molly, Rachel, and Derrick, who’d started to hit on Molly since he’d found out Rachel was off the market. He wasn’t having much luck with her either. The four of them were sharing a joint, something I was still having trouble wrapping my head around, since I’d never seen Rachel smoke before. She seemed to be right at home, laughing and talking and smoking.
“Today was a good day after all,” Zack said to me as we walked.
“Oh yeah?” I questioned, even though I could tell. He was lighter on days when his mom was doing well.
“Yeah, she said that after she got up from her nap, she played cards with my Aunt Jane, watched some TV and then helped cook dinner. She was in a great mood when I left the house.”
I squeezed his hand. “I’m so glad, Zack,” I said, feeling overjoyed that some of his sadness had disappeared, even if we both knew it would be short-lived. “So what are you playing tonight?”
He shrugged. “Don’t know. What do you want to hear?”
“Anything, if you’re playing it,” I said, “but if we’re being honest, I’d love to hear some Liar’s Edge.”
He laughed. “We’ll see. I don’t know how I feel about playing my stuff for an audience. It’s been a while.”
I squeezed his hand, letting him know it would be okay if he didn’t feel like playing it.
“You really want to hear my songs?” he asked, and I could hear doubt in his voice. I knew he was more skeptical of his talents than everyone else was.
“Of course. I just might be your number one fan.”
That made him laugh. “There’s a strong possibility that you are, and because your my number one fan, I obviously can’t let you down. Maybe later I’ll play some of my songs for you – if you’re lucky.” He grinned and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
“That would be amazing,” I told him as he pulled me closer and pressed a kiss to my temple. “I really think you’re an incredible singer. Have you ever thought about going back to it, like as a career, after – you know?”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew I never should have said them. The sharp intake of Zack’s breath told me I’d crossed a line. He didn’t even respond. He just dropped his arm from my shoulder and got quiet. We walked in silence for a few minutes as my stomach churned with the realization of what I’d done. I cursed both me and my big mouth for being so inconsiderate.
“I’m so sorry, Zack. That was really wrong of me.”
When I said that, he stopped walking and turned to me. I stopped and faced him, preparing myself for what he would say that would let me know how much I’d hurt him.
He took a deep breath. “Emily, I’m not under any delusions that my mom’s going to make it, but I’d really appreciate it if we didn’t talk about it, okay?”
I nodded quickly, the tears pricking the backs of my eyes at the harshness of his tone as he started walking again. We caught up to everyone else, and Zack started a conversation with Molly. I fought as hard as I could not to break down on the spot. He was mad at me, and it was my own fault. He didn’t speak to me the rest of the way to the party.
As Zack got a beer, said hello to people and set up by the bonfire, he didn’t say a word to me. So I did my best to push aside how I was feeling and focused on having fun with Rachel. It was really all I could do.
“Incoming,” I said, as I watched Derrick come up behind her and put his arms around her.
“Hey beautiful,” he said, and I could tell he was drunk as he sloppily whispered in her ear. “I can’t get you out of my mind. What do you say we sneak off for a little while and reconnect.”
“Get. Off. Me.” Rachel twisted out of his arms as soon as she realized who he was and spun to face him. “I have a boyfriend! What is your problem?”
“He’s not here,” Derrick sung, swaying slightly, his eyes hooded from the mix of weed and alcohol and possibly something else. “Hang out with me, Rachel. We had fun together that night.”
“Yeah, it was so much fun that you never called me again. Just stay away from me,” Rachel spat before she gritted her teeth and marched away, directly to Chase who had been watching their exchange from a few feet away.
“Are you going to hold that against me forever, because I’d much prefer if you just held yourself against me,” Derrick called after her, loud enough for most people around to hear.
Rachel started wildly waving her arms and gesturing to Chase, and I could tell she’d had it. I watched as she turned, pointed right at Derrick and looked back at Chase expectantly. He put his hands on either side of her shoulders, looked down at her and said something I couldn’t make out, but I could see her visibly relax. Then he walked over to Derrick.
He put his arm around Derrick’s shoulders in a casual way, but from the grunt Derrick made, I knew Chase was being rougher than he led on.
“Let’s take a walk, man,” he said, and I was so proud of my brother for standing up for Rachel in that moment.
I sauntered back over to her. She was still trying to calm down.
“What did I ever see in that jackass?” she asked me, and I was at a loss for words. Derrick was cute, but his personality sucked.
“I have no idea,” I said, as I glanced over at Zack. He looked up from his guitar, caught my eye and looked away.
He was playing Mysterious Ways, by U2, and it squeezed my heart just a little when I thought about how he’d told me I was mysterious. I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes again. Rachel caught on immediately, and shifted gears into best friend mode. She pulled me down by the water so no one else would see me getting upset. I couldn’t have felt worse about what I’d said and how insensitive I’d been.
I was telling her just that when her gaze shifted over my right shoulder. It was then that I realized Zack had stopped playing, and all I could hear outside of my sobs were the sounds of people talking and laughing in the background. Before I could turn around, Zack’s arms were around me, his lips at my ear.
“I’m an asshole, and I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset, princess.”
I turned around to face him, my face wet with tears. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You have every right to be mad at me.”
He leaned forward and kissed my tearstained cheeks. “I’m not mad, Emily. I’m just upset. Every time I think about the fact that I’m going to lose her, it just torments me, so I haven’t really let myself think about the future. I’ve been just living in the moment for the past few months, and when you said that, it reminded me that there’s going to be a time when I have to think about what’s next and make some decisions about the rest of my life, and it scares the shit out of me.”
He leaned his forehead against mine for a few seconds, as if taking a moment to collect himself.
I threaded my arms around his waist, and said quietly, “My future was planned out for me before this summer, and now it’s not. I have no idea what I’m going to do, and that scares me too, Zack. You’re not alone in being afraid of what comes next, but the beauty of it is that you can choose your own path. You don’t have to have
a perfect plan.”
“I know. Thank you,” he said, catching me off-guard.
“For what?”
“For helping me to keep things in perspective. I don’t always do that.”
“Hey, I’m just throwing your advice back at you, my friend,” I said, and he laughed.
“I guess you got me there.”
I followed Zack back up to the bonfire after we made up, gripping his hand tightly, knowing I didn’t want to let it go. Rachel had made her way over to Chase, who had returned with a much more subdued Derrick in tow, so I settled in by the fire while Zack started his next set.
When he took another break, he asked me to take a walk down the beach with him. We settled a ways down the beach, the sounds of the party barely audible in the distance.
“You leave in two weeks, right?” he asked, and I felt a lump form in my throat. I didn’t want to think about leaving.
“Yeah, just about.”
He nodded. “I wish you could stay.”
“I just wish I could stay with you,” I said, putting everything out there.
Zack didn’t say anything, but he squeezed my hand as we looked out at the dark waves crashing on the beach in front of us.
As we walked back to the party together, he whispered in my ear, “This next song is for you, princess.” Then he kissed my cheek, grinned, and continued on to his guitar that he’d left propped up against the log he’d been sitting on.
He hadn’t answered me, so I wasn’t sure what to think. A part of me was afraid he didn’t want to be with me after the summer was over, and I hated to think about that. But Zack was also a master at keeping things close to his heart, so maybe it didn’t mean anything that he hadn’t responded.
I saw Rachel standing nearby the bonfire with Chase and Molly, so I walked over to them as Zack started playing the opening chords of Use Somebody by King of Leon – the song that was for me. Well, maybe that was all the answer I needed.
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 26