I let my head fall into my hands. My heart was beating a steady rhythm in my ears, giving me a headache that was starting to make me nauseous.
“Zack Easton, that is the only time I will ever let you get away with saying that.”
“It’s true,” I said, reaching to my desk for my pack of cigarettes and lighting one with my left hand. “I’m a fucking bartender at a bar that only gets busy three months out of the year. My life’s fucking great.”
Jen walked over to stand in front of me, reeled back and slapped me as hard as she could across my face. My head jerked back, and my hand instantly went to my jaw. Before I could respond, she grabbed something from my desk and shoved it in my face, grabbing my jaw, so I couldn’t look away.
“Look at it,” she growled, and I forced my eyes to see what she’d placed in front of me. It was a picture of my family at my graduation from Duke. My mom looked so happy in that picture. She was smiling at me like she couldn’t have been more proud. “That is your reason for living – these people right here. Because she wouldn’t want you to be like this, and I would never want her to see you like this.”
She pointed at someone else in the picture and my heart squeezed in my chest. I wouldn’t want her to see me like that either.
“I like the you in that picture a lot better,” I said sarcastically, looking up at Jen. In the picture, she was smiling too. The girl standing in front of me now was acting more like a crazy stalker or serial killer. She wasn’t messing around.
“Zack, I’m not kidding,” she said. “You know I love you, but I will not hesitate to put some distance between us. Do you understand?”
Those were the words I needed to hear. They were what finally hit home for me, and she’d saved them for last because she knew it too.
I nodded. “I hear you,” I said definitively, slumping my shoulders at the idea of what she was insinuating. I couldn’t do distance. I’d already had enough. I wouldn’t do it again.
“Good,” she said firmly. “Now get in the shower, brush your teeth, shave, and put on some clean clothes. I’m going to make you something to eat, and it will not come with a side of Jack Daniels. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Jen, I get it,” I said curtly, grabbing my towel off the back of my desk chair.
***
“Here,” Jen said, setting a tray on the table in front of me.
When I’d gotten out of the shower, she’d ordered me outside for some fresh air, and I’d settled in at the table on the deck. She’d wiped it down and emptied my ashtray. I also noticed on my way out of the house that she’d cleaned up. Three previously full bottles of liquor sat on the kitchen counter, their contents no doubt having gone down the sink. It seemed my wallowing days were over.
“You made me mac and cheese with little hot dogs?” I asked, looking down at the plate of food I’d never be able to finish. She must have cooked two boxes of macaroni and cheese and put in six hot dogs.
“It’s your favorite,” she said simply, proving how well she knew me.
“Because my mom used to make it for me when I was a kid,” I said, pushing the food around, but not eating any of it.
“I know,” she said, and she winked at me. It was the first kind gesture she’d made since she’d arrived.
I was suddenly overcome with emotion as my shoulders slumped, and I couldn’t help the tears that started to fall. It was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid and why I’d been numbing my senses. I didn’t want to feel this shitty and miss her as much as I did. Her presence was all over the house, a constant reminder of how things had literally stopped mid-life.
Jen was by my side in an instant, her arms around me, and I let her hold me until I stopped crying.
“I miss her so much,” I said, swiping at my eyes with the backs of my hands.
It was only the second time in my life I’d ever cried in front of Jen, and it felt strange, almost emasculating or exposing. I didn’t like it, but I told myself that we’d seen each other through more than either of us ever anticipated over the last year and a half, and I appreciated that she wasn’t judging me for breaking down in front of her. She was just being a friend, just like I had been when she’d come to me in a similar state, feeling like she’d hit rock bottom. It was almost as if she was now reciprocating, most likely because she knew how I felt in that moment better than anyone else.
“I miss her too,” she said, kneeling next to my chair. “She was an amazing woman.”
I just nodded, not able to do more than agree with her.
“And she’d want you to eat. You look like you’ve lost fifteen pounds since she went into the hospital. She’d hate that.”
She would. Jen was right. If my mother was there, she’d have yelled at me for not taking better care of myself – for not eating. So I picked up my fork and forced myself to eat a few bites, even though it tasted like cardboard.
“You’re such a mom,” I teased, pushing back the raw feeling of loss. Jen rolled her eyes, as she settled into the chair across from me.
“It comes with the job. I can’t help it. I mother everyone now.”
I smiled for what felt like the first time in weeks. Jen was a great mom.
“Where is Lily?” I asked, suddenly craving the one person I knew could make me feel better.
Holding her in my arms and inhaling her sweet scent always made things seem a little less shitty. I loved when I got to spend time with the most perfect little girl in the world. She adored me and loved when I played my guitar and sung for her. She’d clap her little hands and giggle, and I’d melt every single time.
“Derrick’s watching her,” she said, and I knew that should have worried me, but as insane as Derrick could be, he loved his niece. Nothing would ever happen to her while she was with him. “I told him I was coming here to kick your ass, so he was more than happy to take her for the afternoon.”
“I wish you would have brought her,” I said, taking a drink of the apple juice Jen had poured for me.
Jen just raised her eyebrows. “Do you think she’d want to hang out with the charming guy I found in bed this morning? Please, I would never allow my daughter to be around you when you’re drunk and haven’t showered in five days. Do you think I want that image burned into her memory?”
I knew I looked sheepish, as she shook her head, answering her own question.
“I’ll bring her down next weekend,” she said, taking pity on me. “We can go to the park, okay?”
I nodded, knowing I was fortunate she was offering me that much.
Chapter Eight
Emily
“Happy Birthday to the two people I love most in this world,” Rachel said, raising her glass and clinking it against mine and Chase’s.
Rachel and I had flown up to New York for the weekend so Chase and I could be together for our twenty-second birthday. It was the first time we’d voluntarily celebrated our birthday together in seven years, but there wasn’t anyone else I’d rather be with on that day than my brother and my best friend. Well, okay, so there was one other person, but I was choosing not to think of him anymore, so he didn’t count.
We were sitting at Brooklyn Brewery, the site of what Rachel and Chase were calling their first date. That day they’d pointed out no less than nine places that commemorated some part of their relationship. Had I not been thoroughly inebriated, I might have been annoyed, but I’d been happily drinking since noon, so I was feeling pretty good by the time we toasted our birthday.
This is where we met for coffee the first time.
This is the exhibit room where we ran into each other. We were at The Met.
This is the restaurant where we had dinner together.
This is the club where we – hee, hee – okay, we’d better not tell her about what we did here.
This is where we had our first kiss.
And on, and on, and on.
“So where’s my present?” I asked Rachel, pulling her attention away from my brother’
s lips.
Since we’d landed at LaGuardia the day before, she and Chase hadn’t stopped kissing and touching and looking at each other. I was completely feeling like a third wheel. Hence the all-day bingefest. At least I was a happy third wheel.
“It’s back at the apartment,” she sang. “It was too big to haul around all day, so I figured I’d give it to you tonight.”
I looked over at Chase, feeling just belligerent enough to allow myself to be a tad obnoxious. “How about you?” I asked.
Chase put his arm around me and playfully pulled me to him. “It’s my birthday too, sis. What about my gift?”
I grinned. “It’s back at the apartment. You’ll get it later. But you didn’t answer me,” I said, fake pouting.
“Well,” Chase said, as he reached into his pocket, “I sort of made this for you.”
He pushed a folded piece of paper across the table toward me.
“What is it?” I asked, as I opened it up to see a drawing of a colorful flower. I frowned in confusion and looked back up at Chase. “It’s pretty. Thanks.”
“I told you she wouldn’t get it,” Rachel said, then she turned to me. “It’s a design, Em.”
I still didn’t get it. A design of what? I looked to Chase for clarification.
“This is a pretty monumental occasion considering our recent history, so I was sort of hoping we could commemorate it. You know, as a way to celebrate the fact that we’re friends again. I designed this for me,” he said, pulling out another piece of paper and sliding it across the table toward me.
I unfolded it and saw a sun with an intricate design in the middle. As I looked between the two, I noticed the design in the middle of the flower matched the design inside the sun, only on a smaller scale. It was then that I realized they were tattoo designs.
I looked up at Chase in surprise. “You want to get a tattoo with me?”
He nodded, and I could tell he wasn’t sure how I might respond. “It’s cool if you don’t want to, but I’m going to get one. You can always just keep the sketch if you want – hang it on your wall or something.” He leaned forward and pointed to the sun. If you look closely, you can see the ‘EC’ and the ‘CC’ and the ‘22’. It’s not visible unless you know it’s there, but I think that’s what makes it more unique – more personal.”
I looked up from the drawing, surprised that my eyes felt a little misty. “You want to get a tattoo with our initials?” I asked, just to clarify what he was saying.
He nodded.
“Chase, that is so sweet,” I said, as I threw my arms around him.
“Do you want to do it?” Rachel asked, leaning toward us.
I looked over at her and nodded. “Yeah, I do.”
***
“Holy fuck,” I said an hour later, as the tattoo needle pierced the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist. I figured I was drunk enough that it wouldn’t hurt. I was wrong.
“Just squeeze my hand,” Rachel said. “You’ll get used to the pain after a few minutes.”
“She’s right,” Chase said from the next chair over. He was sitting backwards so the tattoo artist could etch the sun he’d designed onto his upper back, between his shoulder blades. “But the color hurts more than the black, so be prepared.”
“Chase,” Rachel chastised. “Don’t tell her things like that.”
“I’m fine,” I said through clenched teeth. I wanted to squirm but forced myself to stay still. I just squeezed Rachel’s hand and tried not to wonder how this addition to my body would go over with my mother when she saw it at Thanksgiving.
***
Two days later I was lugging my suitcase up onto the sidewalk in front of our building when I ran into my neighbor, Jen. She was coming out of her apartment on the ground floor, and I noticed the trunk of her Camry was full of groceries.
“Hey Emily,” she called, as she waved. She grabbed a few bags from her trunk and headed toward her open apartment door. “Just getting back from trip?”
“Yeah,” I said, as I walked over to her car to grab a few bags. I followed her inside the apartment. “I was in New York visiting my brother.”
Jen’s daughter Lily was sitting on a blanket in the living room playing with some wooden blocks. When she saw me, her face lit up. “Emmy!” she called out, waving her chubby hand at me.
“Hey Lily Lou,” I said to her, using the nickname I’d given her when I started babysitting her the year before when she and Jen had moved in.
“Come pay?” she asked, gesturing to her toys.
“Sure,” I said, as I parked my suitcase by the front door. “Let me finish helping your mommy, and then we can play.”
I loved Lily. She was the sweetest little girl, and she had these big brown eyes and curly brown hair, and her smile was intoxicating. I couldn’t believe how big she’d gotten over the summer. She was definitely starting to look more like a little girl and less like a baby.
“Thanks so much,” Jen asked, as she took the bags I was carrying and set them on the kitchen table. “Did you have fun?”
I nodded. “Yeah, it was great. I love New York.”
She smiled, but she looked nostalgic. “Me too. Although I’ve only been there once. My ex-boyfriend from a few years ago was a musician, and his band played a gig in New York, so we all went up for the weekend. It was pretty crazy.” She shook her head and laughed as if remembering.
“Mommy? Juice?” Lily asked then, toddling into the kitchen.
Jen looked up at me. “Em, would you mind getting her some juice?” she asked. “There’s some apple in the fridge. I want to run out and get the last of the bags.”
“Sure,” I said. I reached down to pick up Lily and set her on my hip. “So, Lily Lou, you want some apple juice?”
She nodded vigorously and smiled. “Apple juice! Yummy!”
I grinned back at her. She was too cute.
Lily and I settled back on her blanket in the living room when Jen walked back in the front door. Her cell phone was cradled between her ear and shoulder, and she was talking to someone. I got up and grabbed the grocery bags from her, and she smiled gratefully at me.
I brought the bags into the kitchen and she followed me, listening to whoever was on the other end of the line. We worked in tandem to put the groceries away as Jen said ‘uh-huh’ and ‘yeah’ and ‘I know’ but not much else.
“I know. I know. Just hang in there. It’ll get easier,” she said, and then paused as she listened once more. “I know, but I’m here for you. You know that.” She paused again. “Okay, sounds good.” She paused one last time. “Love you too. See you soon.”
She hung up her phone and set it on the counter, shaking her head.
“Everything okay?” I asked, not sure what else to say. It had been awkward to witness what seemed like a personal conversation, even though I’d just caught the one side of it.
She smiled. “Yeah, that was just a friend of mine who’s going through a really tough time. His mom passed away recently, and he’s having a hard time with it, so I’m trying to be there for him as much as I can.”
My mind instantly flew to Zack and his mother. I didn’t know how she was doing. All I’d heard from Chase, who’d talked to Molly a few weeks back, was that his mother had been released from the hospital, but that was it. I hoped she was doing okay. I knew how devastated he’d be when the end came, but also I knew he’d have Leo, Molly and his aunts there with him. He’d have enough family support that he’d get through it.
“That’s tough,” I said. “I had a friend once who went through something similar, and it’s never easy.”
Jen shook her head as she sat down at the kitchen table. “You know, I think it might be almost as hard to watch someone go through losing a parent and not be able to do anything. It makes you feel helpless, like you’re failing as a friend, because you can’t give them what they need.”
I nodded. I knew that feeling all too well. “Yeah,” I said, sitting across from her, “but s
ometimes they just need someone to listen to them when they’re feeling bad. That’s what I tried to do, and it helped, I think. Also, providing a good distraction can always help.”
“A good distraction,” Jen echoed. “I like that. I think I’ll keep that in mind.”
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes, and I could tell Jen was deep in thought.
“Mommy,” Lily said, coming into the kitchen, her sippy cup proffered in front of her.
“Yes, bug,” Jen said, leaning down to Lily’s level.
“All done,” Lily said, shooting Jen her wide grin and giggling as Jen started tickling her, pulling Lily onto her lap.
Seeing Jen with Lily made me wonder when I would have kids. With Ben I’d sort of known, or at least had a timeline. We’d get married, wait a few years, and then have a family. Now I wasn’t sure what my future held. I knew I wanted kids, I always had, but I just wasn’t sure when I’d have them.
Jen had been twenty-four when Lily was born, just two years older than me. It seemed sort of young, especially since she was a single mom, but she made being a mother look so easy. She’d finished grad school the previous spring but had worked full-time as an accountant during her last year of school. I’d watched Lily two nights a week when Jen had classes. She’d work a full day, then spend three hours in class and get home around ten. I knew she must be exhausted, but she never showed her stress. She was always smiling as she charged forward in life, juggling a baby, a job and school.
I guess that didn’t leave much time left for a social life, but then again, Jen never talked about dating, so that might have been the one thing she sacrificed. I knew she had some good friends, but most of them had kids Lily’s age, so they did kid stuff together on the weekends. I wondered if she was lonely. Being single for the first time in my life, I sure was.
“Emmy,” Lily said, reaching for me and squirming in Jen’s lap.
Jen laughed and handed her to me. “Do you want to take her?” she asked.
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 34