I knew then, that this was the reason I hadn’t let him kiss me after he’d told me his story. It was why I’d pulled away.
His eyes flashed, as if in sudden anger. “I realize that, Emily,” he spat, and it was like he’d flipped a switch and was no longer sad and sorry. He was pissed, and I realized old feelings were bubbling up for him too. “But my mom had gotten sick, and I wasn’t there for her. I was off spending the night with you, pretending my life wasn’t as fucked up as it really was. I wasn’t there for her, because I was being selfish. Don’t you get it? I was with you, so I wasn’t with her. I’d moved in with her, lived five hours away from my daughter for a year, because my mom needed me, and the one time she really needed me, I wasn’t there!”
I thought for a second that he blamed me. Then I realized that he blamed himself, but he still made it sound like I was partially to blame, and it pissed me off. I now knew it was why he’d never reached out to me after she died. He’d kept his distance for a reason.
“Dammit, Zack, that was not my fault, and by the way, you made a very independent decision to stay with me that night. At any time, you could have gone home, but you didn’t!”
“I know,” he said, remorse suddenly overcoming him. “I know that, but it took time for me to realize that. You don’t know what it was like for me. She was my mom! To see her deteriorate like that, and then she was just gone. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through. Can’t you understand that?”
“Of course I understand that, Zack! I get it. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to go through all of that, but you forget that I was there. I saw you with her. I know how much you loved her, and how much of yourself you gave up for her. I know you feel like you were being selfish and that you should have spent more time with her instead of hanging out with me, but it wasn’t your fault she died. It just happened. No matter if you’d have spent every waking moment with her, she still would have died, and you need to accept that. Nothing you could have done would have saved her.”
I was out of breath from yelling at him and wondered if Leo was still outside the door listening.
Zack just stared at me. “You think I don’t know that?! I know that I couldn’t have saved her, but it took me a long time to come to terms with that! I beat myself up for months over what I could have done differently, and I know I couldn’t have done anything to take her cancer away, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish every day that I could have done something more! God!”
He raked his hands roughly through his wet hair as he got up from the bed. He stopped, turned around and faced me. I realized angry tears were streaming down his cheeks, and I wondered how many times he’d actually let himself cry over his mom. He slumped back against his bedroom wall, utterly exhausted it seemed, as he slid down to the floor.
His head fell into his hands and he shook uncontrollably, as he sobbed over and over. Instinctively, I crossed the room, sat down next to him and pulled him into my arms, knowing there wasn’t anything else I could do for him in that moment. As if he couldn’t tolerate the weight of the pain any longer, he finally leaned on me for support.
“Everything just got so screwed up this summer,” he said, shaking his head. “I just wanted to get out of my life for a little bit. I wanted to be someone who didn’t have a dying mother, and who wasn’t a single parent who didn’t get to see his daughter enough, and who hadn’t given up everything he’d ever wanted in life. I wanted to be a guy who was happy for a change, and with you I got to be that guy for just a little while. But then each night I would go back home, and I would have to face my real life. I watched my mother waste away, the cancer slowly eating her. I had to tuck my daughter in from three thousand miles away. Do you know what it’s like try to talk to an eighteen month-old over the phone?”
I shook my head.
“It’s like talking to a wall. I missed her so much, and I was so afraid she’d forget who I was while she was away. Then she and Jen came to the hospital, and I was holding her in my arms, and I just knew what you and I had couldn’t continue. There was such a separation from who you thought I was to who I really was, and I knew I could never mesh the two. I knew as soon as you found out I’d lied about Lily, you’d hate me, so I took away the option of you ever finding out. I already felt guilty enough about not being there for my mom, and this was just one more reason for me to justify ending things with you. I honestly didn’t want to, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice.”
And now everything made sense – why he thought he wasn’t good enough for me, why he suddenly changed his mind and why he’d pushed me away. A barrage of feeling for him hit me all at once, and I suddenly wanted him to know that none of that mattered. None of our past mistakes or lies or bad decisions carried any weight – I loved him so much, especially who he really was, flaws and all.
“Zack, I had the same fear when I found out about Lily – that you’d be different than the guy I’d fallen for – but you’re not. You are exactly the same guy. I am pissed that you lied to me, because that didn’t feel too great. You should have told me.”
“I know. I should have done a lot of things, but I panicked. I just wish I could take it all back, because I know how badly I hurt you, and that just kills me.”
He looked up at me appraisingly for a few seconds, as tears well up in my eyes.
“I have regretted every single day that we haven’t been together, Emily,” he said, as he leaned his head back against the wall and looked over at me. “I honestly feel like I lost two people this summer – one wasn’t my fault, but one was, and I’m sorry. I’m just sorry, and I know you don’t feel the same way anymore, but I just had to put it out there. I had to tell you.”
“Zack, I don’t understand,” I said, searching his face for some indication as to what he was trying to say.
“My mom told me before she died that I needed to get back the girl who made me smile, and she was talking about you, and I didn’t listen at first, but then I finally realized she was right because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I couldn’t get you out of my head. You know the song Without you? The one you thought was for my mom?” I nodded. “I wrote it for you, Em. I wrote you a thousand songs, because there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of you. And I couldn’t tell you how I felt, so I did what I do best, and I put what I was feeling in a song, thinking one day I would play it for you, and then you would know.”
My eyes widened in surprise. I hadn’t known.
“Then I did this,” he said, raising his left forearm to show me what he’d tattooed there. It was the chorus to Without You. “I did it, because I wanted a memory of the girl who made me fall in love again – the only girl who got through to me and made things better and loved me when I was falling apart. Even if that girl never forgave me, never loved me again, I’d never forget her. But I hoped with everything in me that you would forgive me, because I wanted so badly to make it up to you.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “I just kept remembering that first conversation we had, and how you told me you wanted a fairytale life, and all summer, I just wanted to give that to you. But then I fucked up, and I felt like such a failure, and you were gone, and nothing was good when you weren’t with me.” His face fell. “I’m so sorry, Emily. I was a jerk. I was scared, because what I feel for you, I’ve never felt for anyone. Please know that I never wanted to hurt you. I love you, and I wish I could take it all back.”
My heart started pounding. I couldn’t speak. Had I really heard him correctly? Did he just tell me he loved me?
“Princess,” he said, leaning his forehead against mine, “you made me happy when I should have been miserable. You were the only person who could reach me, and maybe that scared me. You accepted me – broken and faulty. You never questioned my mood swings or anything that I was dealing with. You were perfect, and it scared the shit out of me. I never should have let you go.” He paused. “I need you Em, I need you in my life. I lost my
mom, I can’t lose you too.”
His eyes searched mine, waiting for a response, and when I didn’t say anything, he continued. “I’ve been a fucking idiot. I knew you hated me and didn’t trust me, and I just figured if maybe we could be friends, then you could learn to like me and trust me again, but that backfired, so I decided to come clean, tell you my story, let you know the real me, hoping you would know how I felt because what I told you, I’ve never told anyone else, but then you ran when I tried to kiss you at my mom’s house, and then the next day you said we could be friends, and that was like a giant knife to the gut, because I wanted to be anything but friends with you. And I know my life is crazy. I’m in a band, and we’re going to try to make it, which is really tough in its own right, but I also have a kid with my ex, and I haven’t had a girlfriend in three years, and I’ve made some really bad decisions, multiple times in my life, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am flat out in love with you, and I’ll do anything to get you back.”
He paused to take a breath before opening his mouth again, but I put my hand over it to stop his rambling, even though he was being incredibly adorable in that moment.
“You love me?” I asked, looking up at the face I loved so much thinking back to the summer when all I’d wanted him to say was those three little words.
I felt him smile, so I moved my hand.
“Yeah, I do,” he said passionately, his beautiful light brown eyes reflecting what he was telling me. “I think I always have.”
I reached up and traced his jawline with my finger before moving it over to his lips. He kissed my finger.
“Em, I couldn’t give my mom a fairytale life, but I want to give you one. Please forgive me. Please take me back?”
I wasn’t able to respond. All I could do was sit there as his words repeated themselves again and again. I’d wanted to hear them for so long.
Please forgive me. Please take me back.
Please forgive me. Please take me back.
I didn’t think I’d ever really let him go.
“I have very kissable lips,” he said when I didn’t respond, and I think he misinterpreted my hesitation.
Not wanting him to have to guess any longer, I closed the distance between us, touching my lips to his for the first time in four months. I realized as I kissed him that it felt the same as it had every time I’d kissed him over the summer. He was so familiar to me, and I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of kissing him.
I moved to my knees to get better leverage as he put his hands on either side of my hips, holding me in place, his tongue lightly tracing my lips, asking permission to go further. I parted my lips for him and dove headfirst into the kiss. My arms wrapped around his neck, my fingers running through his still damp hair as he kissed me with more force and passion than I’d felt in a long time.
When he finally pulled back and looked at me, he was grinning a crooked smile. “So I’m interpreting that as yes. Am I wrong?”
“Zack, I don’t want a fairytale life,” I said, shaking my head. “I told you that before. I just want you – no matter how imperfect things get, being with you makes me happy. That’s all I need.”
“Can you at least let me try to make it perfect?”
“No secrets?” I asked, knowing that as long as he was honest, our life together would be good.
“No secrets,” he said, pulling me against him. “Ever again, princess.”
“I sort of love that you call me that,” I said, the giddiness I was feeling creeping into my voice.
“You didn’t love it very much when I called you that a month ago,” he mumbled.
“A month ago? What do you mean?”
He laughed. “You really don’t remember, do you?”
“Remember what?”
“Uh, screaming at me outside of your apartment, telling me you hated me and that I couldn’t call you princess anymore?” I shook my head. “Yeah, well you said all that right before you kissed me, and then you told me you hated me again and left me standing on the sidewalk.”
I gasped suddenly, everything I’d thought had been a dream coming back to me. “That was real?!”
He laughed again.
“I totally thought it was a dream,” I said, burying my head in his neck. “I’m so sorry I said all that.”
“Hey, no worries,” he said, his accent getting just a little thicker at that moment. “It was a good kiss.”
“But I said I hated you,” I said, lifting my head to look at him, feeling mortified I’d acted so childish.
“You didn’t mean it,” he said, keeping his gaze on me.
“No, I didn’t,” I said, shaking my head before I kissed him again.
“By the way, nice sweatshirt,” he said, around my lips.
I pulled away, breaking the kiss, to look down at what I was wearing. I hadn’t even realized I’d thrown on his Duke sweatshirt when Leo had called, and I’d bolted out of the apartment so fast.
“Don’t you go to UNC, though?” he asked, cocking his pierced eyebrow at me. I leaned forward and kissed his temple, right next to his piercing.
“Yeah, I do, but this really amazing guy gave this sweatshirt to me, and he never asked for it back. It’s sort of my favorite, but I honestly liked it better when it smelled like him.” I shrugged.
Zack laughed. “Well keep me around, and it will,” he said, and he leaned forward to pull the sweatshirt off over my head.
“I’m going to want that back,” I teased.
He smiled. “You can have it back later,” he said, before he kissed me long and deep.
Chapter Forty-Two
Zack
“Is this real?” Emily asked as she looked up at me, sleep still clouding her eyes. “I’m not dreaming, am I?”
I smiled. She’d fallen asleep in my arms, and I’d stayed awake, watching her sleep for what must have been hours. I’d finally drifted off around three in the morning, but my iron-clad grip on her never wavered. Then I’d awoken, and she’d still been sleeping, so I’d again watched her peaceful, perfect face, aching to kiss her, but not wanting to disturb her.
“Hi,” I said, loving how the early morning sunlight coming through my window bathed her in warmth and gave her a glow.
She rotated so she was facing me, her chin resting on her hands that rested one on top of the other on my bare chest. She gazed up at me through her eyelashes and smiled, the events of the night before coming back to her. I watched her face flush and her focus shift down to my chest and back up.
“I’m not wearing any clothes,” she said sheepishly, and the arms I had around her naked body wrapped tighter, pulling her up so I could reach her lips.
I’d been dreaming about kissing her, and now I planned to do just that for as long as I wanted.
“Zack, don’t,” she said, burying her head in my neck, hiding from me, as if she was embarrassed. “I haven’t brushed my teeth.”
“Me neither,” I said lifting her chin so I could look at her. When her eyes met mine, I pressed my lips to hers and let them linger there for a few seconds. “You taste amazing to me.”
She pulled away from me and buried her head again. “Can I brush my teeth? Please.”
I knew she was being self-conscious, and unless I let her get up, something I hated to do, she wouldn’t let me kiss her like I wanted to.
“Fine,” I said playfully, letting my arms fall back to the bed by my sides.
“Don’t look,” she said, wiggling out from under the covers.
Yeah right. Like that’s going to happen.
I feigned covering my eyes, but as soon as she was halfway across the room, I removed my hand and gazed at the milky skin of her back and backside and all the way down her legs. Her light blond hair had gotten longer since the summer, and it swept down past her shoulders. I instantly felt my heartbeat quicken. When she disappeared into my bathroom, the ache of her not being in sight tugged at my heart, and I knew it would take a little while for me to believe she
was mine again and all this was really happening. We’d been pushing and pulling at each other for months, fighting what we both knew was right, but now that we were finally together, I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it was real.
Deciding to surprise her, I slunk out from under the covers and opened the bathroom door. Emily jumped a mile when she saw me, my toothbrush nearly falling out of her mouth. I was a little disappointed to see she was wearing the Drive-By Truckers t-shirt I’d discarded before my shower the night before. It hung down halfway to her knees, and even though she was partially dressed, I don’t think she could have looked sexier.
I stepped wordlessly behind her and pulled her back against me, as I watched a smile spread across her face in the mirror.
“I like this picture,” I said, kissing her on her temple and making her smile grow wider. “You look really good in my shirt.”
“I love this shirt,” she said, after pulling the toothbrush from her mouth and spitting into the sink. I watched her pull the collar out to sniff it. “It smells just like you.”
“Not like that mangy old sweatshirt that I plan on taking back,” I teased, loving that she’d shown up the night before wearing my clothes. I wasn’t sure there was anything sexier than seeing the girl I loved in something of mine.
“You’re not taking that back,” she warned, shaking her head. “It’s mine.”
“I believe it’s mine,” I said playfully. “Besides, it smells like you now, so I want it.”
She sighed and smiled. “I could get used to this,” she said, leaning back against me, all of her weight pressed against my naked body.
I reached around her for the mouthwash bottle and took back a swig before spitting it into the sink. “Used to what?” I asked, as I kissed dozens of places on her face and neck
“Waking up next to you,” she said, and she spun in my arms.
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 57