He.
That one tiny, descriptive word, because it defied everything I’d ever known about myself, now seemed like the biggest word I’d ever heard.
It changed everything. My relationship with my girlfriend Jen, who I thought I was in love with and what I wanted out of life. It utterly changed who I was.
He. Him. A guy.
I could not have feelings for a guy. It didn’t make any sense. I wasn’t gay. I’d only ever dated women. Sure, I could look at a guy and think he was attractive, and there had been a few times in high school that I’d kissed my friend Trent who was gay, but I’d been drunk. It hadn’t meant anything, and it hadn’t gone beyond kissing. We’d just been messing around. It wasn’t like I’d ever even had a desire to pick up a guy when I’d been out at a bar. I was strictly into girls.
Or at least I had been until the year before when I’d made one tiny mistake, tried something new for the first time, because I was drunk and out of my mind and not thinking about the consequences. I think I also assumed that it would be one drunken, experimental night that I could have and then forget about.
But it didn’t happen. For the past year, all I could think about was the guy I’d accidentally had a one night stand with when I’d been living in L.A. It was fucked-up as hell, and I probably would have been able to move on from it had I not seen him again. But I’d seen him, and now all I could think about was him. I literally felt like I was drowning. I wasn’t sure what to do – or even who I was anymore.
Was I gay? Was I bi? Seriously, what the hell?
I felt like maybe I needed to talk to someone. Maybe I needed to come clean about what had happened, face it head-on, and then I could move forward. But how did I tell my best friends or my girlfriend that I’d slept with a guy, that I’d liked it – and truthfully that I’d liked it more than any sexual encounter that I’d ever had in my life. Or worse, that I was pretty sure I had some very real feelings for the guy I’d slept with.
What would they think? Or worse, would they disown me? Hell, Jen was Derrick’s sister. He was likely to castrate me if he knew I was having thoughts about someone else, and since he was kind of a homophobe, things might get pretty bad for me once he found out it was a guy who was consuming my thoughts. I didn’t even want to think about what alpha male Zack’s reaction would be or what conservative Leo would think. No, I couldn’t say a word to any of them.
“Andrew?” a guy’s voice asked through the phone line, and my heart started pounding in my chest.
Shit, it was him. The fact that I recognized his voice should have been enough to tell me that I had absolutely no control over what I was feeling.
I guess it was fitting that he would be calling me right when I was wrestling with everything having to do with him – of course that was all I’d been doing for the past week, so maybe it wasn’t all that odd. And I shouldn’t have been surprised to hear from him. He’d asked for my number when we’d been talking after the show. Stupid me, I’d given it to him.
But I never thought he’d actually call or that I’d actually pick up. I had no plans to entertain anything with him ever again, even though I could tell from the way he’d looked at me that night that he’d be into it if I asked. But I wasn’t about to reciprocate. I had a girlfriend who I loved. I shouldn’t even be having inappropriate thoughts about someone else, guy or girl. But I was. And now that he was on the other end of the line, those thoughts were magnified by a thousand.
Why was he calling me?
No, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to act on anything I was feeling, so it was a moot point.
“Andrew? Are you there?”
My stomach flipped as nerves hit me fast and furious when he spoke again. His voice was so damn sexy.
“This is Andrew,” I said, more formally than was probably necessary, as I sank back against the headboard in defeat.
“Uh, hey.” He cleared his throat. “It’s Cole Stephenson.”
My heart was now pounding out of my freaking chest at just hearing him say his name. This guy was already under my skin, and I didn’t know how to get him out. I didn’t want him there.
“Hey,” I said cautiously, hopefully giving off a vibe that I wasn’t interested in talking.
Or maybe I was. A twisted part of me was wishing he’d tell me that he was back in L.A. and he wanted to meet up. Maybe one more night would get him out of my system. Maybe that was all I needed.
But I had a girlfriend. A really sweet girlfriend who I loved and cared for so much. I couldn’t have a one night stand.
Cole laughed nervously. “You don’t sound happy to hear from me. I thought it was okay to call since you gave me your number.”
“Oh, um, yeah, it’s fine,” I said, and then cleared my throat for good measure. “I, um, I just didn’t expect to hear from you.”
“Oh, okay, well listen, if it’s not a good time . . .”
He was giving me an out. Could he tell I was panicking? All I had to do was tell him I was on my way out, that I was meeting the guys for dinner, and I could end this conversation and the foreign feelings that were swirling in my gut.
“No, it’s a great time,” I heard myself say. I sat up and let my head fall into my hands.
I looked up, mouthed ‘What the fuck are you doing’ to the ceiling and shook my head a few times as Cole laughed and said, “Good deal. I was hoping you’d say that.”
Damn, his laugh sounded so nice. Fuck.
“So, what’s up?” I asked, aiming for nonchalant. Hell, he could have been calling about anything really.
Yeah right.
He sighed. “Listen, I know this call might be coming out of left field, but it was really good to run into you last week.”
“Yeah, it was.”
Shit. Why had I said that? Why was I giving him anything to work with? I should have been hanging up the phone as fast as I could.
“I just never thought I’d see you again after that night last summer,” he continued, then he sucked in a breath, and as my mind flew back to that night, I got hard.
Dammit.
“I’m straight,” I blurted out.
“What?”
Yeah, I’d probably caught him off-guard with that declaration.
“I’m straight,” I repeated.
“You are?” Cole questioned.
“Yeah, I am. Totally straight.”
“But we . . .”
“Yeah, I know we did, but it was a mistake.”
“Oh,” Cole said, and the way his voice sounded made my heart sink. I felt like an ass.
“I was drunk,” I continued, driving the knife in deeper. “And, and I have a girlfriend.”
I announced it like I’d just remembered. He probably thought I was lying.
“So, why did you give me your number,” he asked, and I didn’t really have a good response for that question.
“Um, because you asked for it.”
So fucking lame.
Cole chuckled. “Yeah, because I was interested – in you.”
“Oh, really? I didn’t realize,” I said, feigning ignorance, and he probably thought I was the biggest moron because of it. I mean, really, it’s not like he asked for my business card or something. He asked for my phone number. Jesus, I was such a dumbass.
“Yeah, right,” Cole said, and his tone told me he didn’t believe what I said for a second.
“Yeah,” I echoed. “Oh, shit, my call waiting is going off. It’s my girlfriend. I should get that.”
I was definitely not winning an Oscar for that performance.
“Okay, man, well, good luck with that.”
“Thanks,” I said and hung up as fast as I could.
Fuck, I thought as I chucked my phone across the bed. I let my head fall into my hands. That was mean. I’d been mean to a guy who didn’t deserve it. What the hell was wrong with me?
Good luck with that.
Good luck with that!
He had some nerve. Good luck with
that, with my girlfriend. The bastard was mocking me. He knew I felt something for him. He could see right through me, and he was calling me on it. Well, fuck him.
My phone rang again, and I jumped a mile. I could see the screen light up from across the bed, but my stomach was flip-flopping out of fear that it was Cole again. I saw with relief that it was Jen.
I grabbed my phone and poised my finger over the face, ready to answer the call, but something stopped me. I ignored it instead.
I ignored my girlfriend, who I was supposed to love, who I was sure was starting to expect that we take things to the next level.
Yup, I ignored her, because I didn’t feel right talking to her when the face of a different blond was burning in my mind. It felt like I was betraying her. I needed to get out of the room. Dinner with the guys wasn’t for another two hours, and I was getting stir-crazy.
I decided to go down to the gym and pound out my frustrations on the treadmill for an hour and see where I ended up. I hoped my head would be clearer and it would be void of all thoughts of Cole Stephenson. I needed to just forget him once and for all.
* * *
Nothing was working. Running until I almost dropped, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, laughing with the guys over a steak dinner. Hell, I even talked Derrick into going to a strip club, which was completely out of character for me. In truth, I didn’t really have to convince Derrick to go. He was the only person I knew who’d go if I asked, and he wouldn’t tell his sister that we’d gone. I knew Jen wouldn’t like me going to a strip club, but it was my only salvation. I wanted to push Cole out of my mind so bad that I was willing to resort to almost anything.
At two in the morning, Derrick and I left the strip club, and I was more frustrated than ever. The two lap dances he bought me hadn’t done a thing for my mindset. However, I did do a double-take when I looked to my left during one of the dances and thought I saw Cole across the room. It wasn’t him. I was just seeing things, but it left me feeling all twisted up inside.
So what did I do? I immediately went upstairs and took a cold shower. And that didn’t fucking work. So I turned the water to hot, let my fantasies overtake me and tried to get him out of my system the old fashioned way. By the time I got out of the shower, I felt like a cheater, and I felt dirty, but there was relief mixed in there somewhere, and I fell asleep just a little bit more relaxed than I’d been in a week.
Unfortunately the next morning had me wound up in knots again. I laid by the pool with the guys before we had to get to sound check for our show that night, but the whole day I didn’t talk to anyone. I just listened to my iPod and kept my sunglasses on. I was attempting to tune out the world. But, of course, all I could think of was Cole.
We’d met the summer before when I’d been in L.A. trying to make it on my own since Liar’s Edge had been on hiatus while Zack dealt with family stuff. I’d been partying it up a bit and enjoying the scene in L.A. One night when I’d been at Bar Marmont, a girl had come up to me and started flirting. She was hot as hell, and I can’t even remember her name, but she told me she was looking to have some fun and asked if I’d be interested. I’d said yes. I was single, so why not.
We went back to her room and started making out. A few minutes later, someone else entered the room. The girl pulled back from me, smiled and asked if I cared if her friend joined us. I’d had threesomes plenty of times, and I kind of loved them, so I’d said sure. Then I looked up and saw that it was a guy, and although my brain said ‘hell no!’, my stomach and my heart and my dick were saying, ‘um, yes please’.
I’d never had a threesome with a guy. I had only ever been with two girls. This was uncharted territory, but that part sort of excited me.
I didn’t know who he was, but he was the most beautiful guy I’d ever laid eyes on. With golden blond hair that was thick and wavy and flopped over his forehead, broad shoulders and tan skin, I was instantly attracted to him.
“Are you sure,” the girl asked, chuckling lightly as the guy stripped his shirt off and my eyes couldn’t figure out how to look away from his defined pecs.
The girl’s lips descended on my neck, and as she kissed her way down to my collarbone, I swallowed hard, my gaze raking up and down the guy’s golden torso.
“He’s sure,” the guy said, walking toward the bed.
He smiled confidently at me, sat down and ran his hand up my leg.
From there things got confusing. The girl and the guy seemed to have a system, and it was all about making me forget where I was. Then, for whatever reason, she suddenly backed away, and then it was me and him, kissing, touching, caressing.
He made me forget every other person I’d ever been with. I was so in the moment with him, right there, as his girlfriend, or whoever she was, watched from across the room with an amused look on her face.
I slept with him that night. I’d never done anything like that in my entire life, and the first time I’d ever really been with a man, I’d gone all the way.
The next morning, I was disgusted with myself. I blamed the alcohol and the California air and having been pretty much alone all summer and anything else that I could possibly blame, because there was no way I’d ever have done that without something altering my mindset.
But after a few days, I realized something had altered my mindset. Cole Stephenson. Of course I didn’t even know his name then, but it didn’t matter. He’d somehow gotten inside and changed the way I looked at everything. I was terrified, and I had no idea how to process anything. So I’d called up my ex-girlfriend turned friend, Jen, who was in Pasadena for the summer visiting her parents.
We’d grown up together in Virginia, but her parents had moved to the west coast the year before. Jen and I had dated in high school, and because she knew me so well, I figured she’d be someone I could confide in, maybe help me sort through what I was dealing with and maybe make heads or tails of it.
But when I saw Jen, I couldn’t do it. She seemed so happy to see me, and I was so happy to have a friend. I started to panic that if I told her, she’d see me differently, and she’d cut me out of her life. We’d come from a small town with small-minded views, and I was afraid of what she’d think. I couldn’t lose her. I was teetering on the brink, and I needed her.
We started hanging out, going to dinner and the movies when she needed a break from being a single mom. Then one night she kissed me, and I felt something. It wasn’t nearly as strong as what I’d felt for Cole, but I started wondering if maybe being with Jen could overshadow what I was feeling and help me get over the crazy that had invaded my brain. So I went with it. We dated, became exclusive, and I pushed my feelings down.
But they were always there. Always. In over a year, they hadn’t faded in the least, and after seeing Cole again, after finally learning the name of the guy whose blue eyes had haunted me for so long, those feelings had magnified ten-fold.
I was in trouble, and I had no idea how to get out of it. I’d avoided Jen the day before, and I hadn’t called her back all day. I shouldn’t have done that. She was a sweetheart, and she deserved more from me.
My phone dinged, letting me know I had a text message. I raised my sunglasses so I could see the screen, suddenly so grateful the guys and Emily were in the pool playing volleyball, because it wasn’t Jen. It was Cole.
If last night was just you panicking, don’t be afraid to call.
I should have let it go. I should not have responded.
What’s that supposed to mean? I wrote back, my fingers obviously having a mind of their own.
Just call when you’re ready. I’ll be waiting.
I gulped. Holly shit. This was not good.
* * *
Later that night, after the show was over and I was sitting in my hotel room stewing about the same old shit that had been plaguing me – seriously, was it ever going to let up – I made a phone call that changed everything.
“Hello?”
“It’s Andrew.”
“Hey
baby! How are you?” Jen asked in a sleepy, yet relieved voice.
My stomach was churning and the guilt was eating at me. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t the right time to talk to her. It was two in the morning. She’d been sleeping, and she wasn’t upset that I’d woken her up. She was concerned because she hadn’t heard from me in almost two days.
“I’m okay,” I answered, not giving her the response she’d been hoping for.
Things had been strained between us for over a week, ever since I’d run into Cole in Tampa. But that night I finally knew that hiding behind Jen wasn’t going to work. I’d been doing it for too long. I loved her, I did, but I wasn’t in love with her, and I couldn’t string her along anymore.
The realization had hit me like a ton of bricks as we were closing out our show that night with Without You, and I found myself thinking of a guy I didn’t even know, instead of the girl I’d been dating for over a year. I was a bastard, and she was going to hate me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, and I heard her moving around in bed.
I’d slept with her in that bed more times than I could count. I could picture her so easily. She was so comfortable for me, our relationship was easy. But there wasn’t that feeling of ‘oh my God, I have to see this person or I’m going to lose it’. We’d never had that. We’d gone right from friends to being in a relationship. The sparks that should have been there, for me at least, were never there.
Shit. Zack was going to kill me. Derrick would be next, and just for kicks, Leo would probably get in on the action, because he didn’t like assholes, and if I broke up with Jen and they all learned why and that I’d been stringing her along for a year, I’d be nothing but an asshole. They’d probably kick me out of the band. And then where would I be?
My solo career had been a disappointment. I knew I didn’t have the vocals to front a band. Maybe I could use my experience with Liar’s Edge to work my way into a new group. Maybe I’d just stay in L.A. I’d start over out there, far away from everyone who knew me and far away from Cole Stephenson. I didn’t want to think about him.
Maybe I’d change my number, so he couldn’t get a hold of me. Or maybe I’d call him and invite him to visit.
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 64