Later that night when I got home from dropping the guys off it was late, and I was exhausted. The tension from earlier had continued into the afternoon. Derrick called Andrew a homo twice, which caused Leo to go off and made Andrew look like he wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground. I wondered if Derrick knew what he was doing to Andrew and how much he was hurting him. Probably not.
When I dropped them off, I tried to get Andrew to have a drink with me, but he said he was going to bed. I let him go, figuring he wanted to be alone.
In truth, all I wanted to do was make things right with Emily. I hated fighting with her, and I was ready to grovel. I didn’t want her to be mad at me, because truthfully, she hadn’t done anything wrong. I’d completely overreacted, and I realized that – especially when Jonathan pulled me aside after lunch and told me he wasn’t interested in Emily because he had a girlfriend.
And I felt like a giant dumbass.
When I walked into my dad’s house, he and Sierra were standing in the kitchen. They were dressed to go out, and I remembered my dad telling me something about a charity dinner they’d been invited to. Sierra was really involved in a children’s literacy campaign in the tri-county area, and now that she wasn’t working she spent a lot of her time volunteering.
It was after eight, so I knew Lily was in bed. I felt bad that I hadn’t gotten to see her hardly at all that day, so I figured I’d go up and watch her sleep for a few minutes before I talked to Emily.
My dad looked up when he saw me. “Hey son. How was recording?”
The one thing I could always count on my dad for was having an interest in my music. It was something in life he’d never achieved, so he loved that I’d made it. He loved to play guitar, and it was sort of what bonded us together. As a teenager he hadn’t really understood me. I was angry, a little goth, and I’d been into harder metal and punk music that he wasn’t a fan of. I was pretty sure that when he bought me my first guitar he envisioned us in jam sessions playing The Beatles, Zeppelin and The Stones, and we did that for a few years, but then I’d hit high school and turned into a little punk who wanted nothing to do with my father.
Of course he’d been fighting with my mom pretty regularly at the time, and I’d always been a bit of a momma’s boy, so I took her side. When they got divorced, he and I drifted apart even further.
We’d reconnected when I’d been in college and he came to see our first Liar’s Edge show. Leo had called him, and I’d been pissed at first, but in the end, I was glad he was there. He’d looked so proud when he’d talked to me after the show, and in that moment, I finally found something I had in common with my dad.
“Recording was good,” I said, keeping the conversation brief. I needed to go upstairs and see my girls. “How’s Lily?”
Sierra smiled and inadvertently stroked her belly. “She was good. She threw a slight tantrum when Emily tried to make her eat peas for dinner, but Em handled it like a pro.”
I smiled. “She’s good like that.”
“Zack, what happened today?” Sierra asked then, and my dad shot her a warning look.
I glanced at him in confusion and then looked back at Sierra. “What do you mean?”
“You and Emily. What happened?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t want to get into it. I was a giant jackass, and I shouldn’t have been. I need to go talk to her. Is she up in the media room?”
I figured she was probably working. I’d go up, apologize and then just hold her for a while. The weight of the day was getting to me, and I needed something to focus on so I didn’t have to think about my mom.
“No, she actually left,” Sierra said, and my heart dropped into my stomach.
“What do you mean she left?” I asked slowly as my heart started to pound in my chest.
“She’s gone. She left after she bathed Lily and put her down,” Sierra offered. “She had her suitcase with her. Did she not tell you she was leaving?”
I shook my head slowly, robotically. “Where did she go?” I asked, my mouth suddenly so dry.
“I don’t know,” Sierra said, sympathy written all over her face.
Fuck.
“I need to find her,” I said then, thinking that maybe she went to her parents’ house. I turned to leave when my dad called me back.
“Zack, you can’t go,” he said. “We’re on our way out. We were just waiting for you to get home so someone was with Lily.”
I froze and nodded my head slowly, realizing I was stuck. And I wasn’t sure if Emily had known that. I sank down onto a barstool and put my head in my hands.
Sierra put her hand on my back. “I’m sorry, Zack, but I’m sure she’ll come around.”
I shrugged her off. “What did she say?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that Emily had actually left. My chest ached, and it hurt to breathe. How could she have left me?
“She just said that you two had gotten into a fight, and she needed a break,” my dad offered.
I looked up at him. “A break? What does that mean?”
Damn, I was fucking panicking.
“I don’t know, son, but I’d let her have her space. She was pretty upset.”
“She was like that all day. I knew she’d been crying,” Sierra offered. “But she pretended like she was fine for Lily’s sake.”
Goddammit. I was such an asshole. She’d spent the whole day crying while she watched my daughter so I could work. I didn’t deserve her, especially after what I’d said. She could have just left that morning, but she didn’t. She’d stuck it out for Lily and for me, and because of that I knew she still loved me. She hadn’t written me off completely.
But that only made me feel marginally better. She still wouldn’t be in my arms that night, but I hadn’t completely lost her. Thank God. But it still didn’t settle me. I had no idea where she was, and until I knew that she was safe, I wasn’t going to sleep at all.
“You guys are going to be later than you already are,” I said, encouraging them to go. I needed to be alone. I needed to think. I needed to call Emily.
“It’ll be okay, Zack,” Sierra offered. “You guys will be okay.”
“I know,” I said, and I hoped I was right, but it still didn’t make everything alright.
As soon as they left, I went upstairs to see if Emily had left a note. She hadn’t, so I pulled out my phone and called her. Her phone went right to voicemail.
“Hey princess, it’s me. I’m so sorry about what I said earlier today. You have every right to hate me, and I get that you’re mad, but just call me back and let me know that you’re alright. I’m worried about you, and I love you. Please call me back.”
I hung up and dialed her parents’ house, praying it was her mom that answered and not her dad. He liked me and all, but I knew he was wary of what I did for a living and how I looked and dressed. We’d just seen her parents the night before for dinner, and he’d eyed up my Converse sneakers as soon as I’d stepped into the house. I was pretty sure he didn’t really think I was good enough for his daughter.
I sent up a silent prayer when her mom picked up.
“Hi Jackie, it’s Zack. Is Emily there?”
“Hi Zack!” she said cheerfully. “No, Emily’s not here. I thought she was with you?”
“Um, she was,” I said feeling like an idiot, because now I had to tell her mom that we were fighting. “We actually got into a little argument. Nothing to worry about, but I just need to talk to her, and she’s not answering her cell.”
Jackie Cole chuckled. “Em’s a stubborn girl, Zack. You know that. If she was mad enough at you to take off, then she probably needs space. I’d give it to her.”
“I know, I just need to make sure she’s okay. Will you let me know if you hear from her? Please.”
“Sure, Zack. I’ll call you if she calls or shows up here, but I’d try Keely. I’ll bet she’s with her.”
“Thank you,” I said gratefully, and
hung up so I could dial Emily’s sister.
“Hello?” Keely said when she answered on the third ring.
“Hey, it’s Zack. Can I talk to Emily?” I asked, not even bothering to ask if she was there.
“Why are you calling me?” she asked, then she giggled. “Derrick, stop it.”
I rolled my eyes. Jesus, Derrick was with her again?
“Because, I need to talk to Emily. Please, Keely. I know she’s pissed at me, but I just need to talk to her.”
She giggled again. “She’s not here. I’m with Derrick, and we’re kind of busy.”
I heard him shout something incoherent in the background, and then she let out a strangled sort of moan.
“Do you know where she is?” I asked, begging Keely to stay with me for just a few more seconds.
“No, I haven’t talked to her,” she said breathlessly.
“Okay, thanks,” I said quickly and hung up before I could hear any more of her and Derrick’s sex noises.
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, rubbing my forehead for a few seconds. I’d call Rachel next.
“Zack Easton,” she said by way of greeting, as if she knew something was up. “I wondered when you’d call me.”
“Did she call you?” I asked, cutting right to the chase. I wasn’t in the mood for Rachel’s sarcasm.
“Yes, of course she called me.”
“And,” I prompted, because I wasn’t interested in playing games.
“And that was a dick move that you pulled today. You know Emily would never cheat on you. She practically worships you, Zack. What you said to her was fucked up.”
“I know,” I said tightly, grinding my teeth together. “Where is she?”
“On her way to me,” Rachel said, sounding like she’d won some sort of contest. “She’s going to stay here as long as she likes.”
I took a few deep breaths to steel myself. At least she was safe. She was on a plane to New York, which made my stomach twist to think of how far she was running to get away from me, but at least she was alright.
“When does her flight get in?”
“Eleven-thirty.”
“Can you please have her call me, just so I know she got there okay?”
“She’s not going to want to talk to you, Zack.”
I gritted my teeth again. “Fine, Rachel, then can you please call me and let me know she got there safely?”
“I’ll text you when she lands.”
“Hey!” I said, my fuse finally burning out. “I fucked up. It happens. There is no need to be a complete bitch about it. Thank you for being there for Emily, but this is between us. It’s not a three-way argument.”
“She’s my best friend,” Rachel growled, the protective side of her coming out. “Just be glad Chase doesn’t know what’s going on or he’d probably be on his way to Charlotte to shove his fist into your mouth.”
Yeah, I was shaking.
“Just let me know when she gets in,” I said tightly, wanting to end the conversation.
I usually liked Rachel, but if you were her enemy, watch out. And right then, I was her number one enemy.
“I will,” she said, and then she hung up.
I threw my phone onto the bed and watched it bounce a few times before it fell onto the floor. Then I raked my hand back through my hair, walked over to the dresser and dug in the back for what I’d hidden there. I shoved it in my pocket, grabbed my phone and left the room. I stopped next door to check on Lily.
She was sleeping soundly, so I sat on the edge of her little bed and watched her for a few seconds. Watching her chest rise and fall had sort of a calming effect on me.
“I love you, baby girl,” I said, as I brushed her hair off of her forehead. She stirred, but she didn’t wake up.
I leaned down and kissed her forehead before leaving the room. Then I headed straight for the back porch, grabbing the baby monitor off the kitchen counter just in case Lily woke up. I settled into one of the chairs, threw everything in my hands onto the table and stared at the pack of clove cigarettes I’d saved for moments like this when I was over-the-top stressed.
I’d quit almost a year ago, because my mom hated when I smoked. I promised her before she died that I’d give them up, and I had – for the most part.
Just thinking about her brought back what day it actually was. I was alone, just like I’d been alone a year ago. She’d passed quietly, and we’d called the paramedics who’d pronounced her dead, and then they took her away. They took her to the morgue where she would lay cold in one of those creepy drawers that hold bodies until they were ready to go to the funeral home.
The hospice nurse had gone since there was no need for her to stay any longer, my family had called, told me they would be there the next day. Then I was alone, and the house was so still and quiet. I’d walked out to the back porch with a bottle of Jack Daniels and two packs of cigarettes and proceeded to drink the entire bottle and smoke all but two cigarettes.
I’d passed out sometime around dawn and hadn’t woken up for several hours until Molly had arrived and pulled me from my passed out state, still sitting in the chair with my head on the glass tabletop. I’d awoken with a raging hangover and the reminder that my mother was gone, and I’d started drinking all over again, just trying to drive the pain away.
This was different, though. I had no desires to drown my sorrows in a bottle of anything. In fact, I hardly drank anymore as it was, and even then it was just beer. I knew my limits, and hard liquor wasn’t something I could even entertain. I had too much of a penchant to drink to excess, but beer didn’t do that to me. For a long time, I hadn’t drank at all, but I’d started again when we went on tour, and thankfully I’d been able to handle it. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but if I wasn’t careful, I was pretty sure I could easily become one.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Mom,” I said, as I pulled a cigarette from the pack and lit it. “I just need one today, and if you’re watching, you probably know why. So I hope you’ll forgive me. I love you, and I miss you so much it hurts.”
I inhaled deeply. Inhaling that first drag had always been one of my favorite things. I loved the smell of the paper burning, that first taste, the calmness that would wash over me, and as soon as I took that drag, I sank back in my chair and tilted my head to look up at the stars. I imagined my mom up there somewhere, in Heaven, and I hoped she was happy. I hoped she was proud of me, and I hoped she was at peace.
I finally blew out the smoke when my lungs started to burn.
I liked to think that my mom watched over me, that she saw my success and how happy I was with Emily – normally. I liked to imagine her watching Lily grow and do things for the first time. I pictured her laughing when Lily said something funny like she always did. I didn’t know if Heaven really existed, but I liked to think it did, because it gave me comfort. It allowed me to hold onto my mom and be at peace with her death as much as I could.
But it was times like this that I wished she was still alive. I needed her guidance so badly. She was so calm in situations where I’d lose it, and she was tough, but she always gave the best advice. My chest ached so much, and I only closed my eyes for a second, but it was like the moment I did, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. I hadn’t cried for her in a while, but now, when I was all alone and needing her more than ever, I let myself have that moment.
A few seconds later, I felt arms around my neck, and I wondered if I was imaging my mother there with me, comforting me just when I needed her. But that was crazy. Maybe I was losing it. And maybe that was okay.
Lips pressed against my neck, and I heard a sob escape that I recognized all too well. I spun around to see Emily standing behind me, tears streaming down her face. So elated and so unable to wrap my head around the fact that she was standing there, I got up from the chair and pulled her into my arms where she cried against my chest. And suddenly, I was the one doing the comforting.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,�
� I said, as I stroked her back and held her closer to me, never wanting to let her go.
“No, I’m sorry, Zack. I’m sorry I wasn’t here and that I didn’t think about what today was.”
She pulled back and looked at me, her eyes wet and red-rimmed. There was so much sorrow in her gaze. I smoothed her hair back from her face and looked at her, drinking in the features I’d memorized so long ago.
“It’s okay,” I said and leaned down to kiss her, hoping she’d let me. “I’m okay.”
I didn’t deepen the kiss at all. I was simply looking for a connection to her. When I pulled back, I held her against my chest once again, relishing in the warmth from her that flowed through me.
“Are you really okay?” she asked, and I nodded.
“Yeah, now that you’re here, I’m alright. But I am sorry about what I said about you and Jonathan and Ben. It was really out of line.”
She shook her head against my chest. “No, I get it. I know what it must have looked like to see us together, but trust me when I tell you that there’s nothing going on. We’re just friends, and he has a girlfriend.”
“I know. He told me. I’m sorry I doubted you. I’m just so afraid of losing you, princess. You’re my whole world, and I can’t imagine not being with you.”
She looked up at me then. “I’m sorry I left. I panicked, but I was only going for the weekend. I just needed a break – from the band, from being a mom, from–”
“Me.”
Emily shook her head.
“No, it’s okay, you can say it. I know I deserve it. I completely overreacted today.”
She took a deep breath. “I thought I needed a break, but the further away I got, the more I felt this invisible string just pulling me back to you. I went as far as to buy a ticket to New York, thinking I’d go see Rachel and just decompress for a few days, but all I kept thinking about was that we’d never been to New York together, and it was someplace I wanted to go with you. Then I looked at my boarding pass right when I was about to give it to the woman at security, and I saw the date. I realized what day it was and that I’d been so wrapped up in my own drama that I’d completely let it overshadow something that was so much more important. So I came back. I needed to see you and make sure you were okay, because at that point, a stupid fight and feeling tired and overworked didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was you.”
Broken Fairytales Series Box Set (Broken Fairytales, Buried Castles, Shattered Crowns) Page 78