The Supervillain Handbook

by King Oblivion

  To answer those questions, here we have a few things to tell you and say about what you can do so you can talk real good (bad) and mention right words such as how we do talk.

  What to Say

  You can pretty much say whatever you want, as long as it’s commanding, blustery, sounds cool, and is preferably, alliterative; puns are appropriate too. Preferably, use the type that causes people to cringe violently. (Example: “Puns are a-pun-priate, too.”)

  While it’s crucial to know what to say, it’s far more important to be aware of what not to say. Some things that you’ll feel compelled to expel from your mouth because it’s “standard practice,” or because you want to fit in with the villaingentsia are just plain outdated. And while we supervillains are probably the group of people most likely to embrace cliché (death rays will never get old to us), even we have to admit when something is old.

  A few examples of what you really should avoid:

  • “This ends here!”

  It sounds cool, sure, and it gives the inexperienced the impression that you’re in control. But what if, somehow, you end up teleporting to Malaysia or something during the course of the fight? (This actually happens more often than you might think.) It will not have ended there, and you’ll end up looking quite foolish.

  • “We’re not so different, you and I.”

  Of course you’re not. You and your superhero counterpart are both people who have chosen to bounce around a major city in an outfit that chafes. You’ve obviously got more similarities than differences, and are probably both clinically insane. So why point it out? Yeah, it’s an effective gambit to butter up superheroes into feeling sympathy for you before you strike, but come up with something better to say than this repetitive old fallback.

  • “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!”

  Stop giving them so much damn credit! All you’re doing is stroking their egos, and those meddling kids don’t need any more confidence. Plus, odds are you were going to figure out a way to screw this up without them, Old Man Harrison. You haven’t been able to take over the old amusement park up to now. What makes you think that would change?

  • “Nobody move!”

  This command just doesn’t work. It never fails that when you come bursting into a bank, and yell out a “nobody move!” that someone will try to play hero and press an alarm or come after you with a shotgun. It’s better to adhere to the strategy of flooding the whole building with a paralyzing gas beforehand and saying something cool and thematic like, “I have come to take out a lifetime no-interest loan consisting of all your money. Pray I don’t make your lives collateral.”

  • “Who dares challenge (your name here)?”

  It sounds ominous, I’ll grant you that. But it’s also just an evil-sounding way to say, “My name is ______, what’s yours?” Like some kind of bad-guy name-tag greeting.

  • “Welcome . . . to your DOOM!”

  Welcome is too polite a word for use in most supervillain endeavors. Courtesy is not generally the way to go. It’s like saying “Thank you . . . for dying!” It just makes you sound schizophrenic and campy.

  • “Nooooooooooo!”

  No.

  More examples of overused supervillain catchphrases, all of which are linked with particular villains of wide renown, are listed at the end of this chapter.

  SUPERVILLAIN HISTORY FACT

  Joseph Barbera, one half of the supervillain cartoon making duo Hanna-Barbera, devised a plan in the 1950s to hypnotize children into buying cheap plastic toys, the money from which they then planned to use to buy various doomsday devices and pour into superhero destruction. The plan was this: Create cartoons in which cats chased mice in front of a background which constantly repeated. That repeating background was the key to the hypnotism scheme, and won Barbera many supervillain awards. His plan continues successfully to this day.

  When to Say It

  As a general rule, you should talk all the time . . . even when no one else is around, keep talking, as you never know when your exploits might be recorded in a comic book (yes, they’re propaganda rags, but we have to take what publicity we can get), and those readers are going to need expository dialogue to know what’s going on. Plus, being strong and silent is more of a hero thing. We’re not into that. We’re more slippery, lumpy, and chatty.

  Your logorrhea should be unceasing for sure, but your manner of speech and what you say may change depending on the circumstances in which you find yourself. Some common situations you may have to deal with:

  • When confronted with a superhero

  Load them up with threats, curse their insolence, harp on how badly they will fail, creatively use the word “destruction.”

  • When addressing henchmen

  Constantly dress them down, question their abilities, undermine their confidence, command them to do things they can’t or won’t possibly do. (More on this in Chapter 7.)

  • When talking to other villains

  Incessantly reiterate that your genitals are larger than theirs, yell about your credentials, exchange stories about idiot henchmen.

  • When placing a hero into a death trap

  Run through the details of your plot because they’ll be dead soon and you’ve been dying to tell someone. Discuss the brilliance of your foolproof death trap, laugh with verve.

  • After the superhero escapes your death trap Curse unyieldingly

  • When being dragged away to jail by a superhero police or other authorities

  Make creative use of the phrases “you’ll pay for this” and “next time,” laugh menacingly, making sure to announce your escape plan.

  • When being interrogated while in prison

  Tell your origin story, give a cryptic but ultimately helpful clue for apprehending a rival villain, ensure that your vendetta against the hero doing the interrogating stands with a standard-issue “It’s not over between me and you.”

  Where to Say It

  As I am sure I have made it abundantly clear by now, you should talk everywhere you go. At your headquarters, at the superhero’s hideout, in jail, at the bank, in the shower, while you’re on trial, in your sleep, at the library, while you take over the studio at the local TV station, anywhere you go disguised as someone else, in space, when you go to visit your parents, at your best friend’s house, in hell, in your cyberspace lair, at a public park, at day cares, and just about anywhere else, you should be talking.

  The only places where you shouldn’t talk are those places where you physically cannot speak, like in an operating room where your voice box has been removed or some other dimension where there’s no sound. But even there, you should keep trying.

  PROFILES IN LAME SUPERVILLAINY

  Big Wheel

  History: Jackson Wheele was a businessman who just happened to be embezzling from his own company. After the (lame) villain Rocket Racer blackmails him, he acquires a costume made of a giant mechanical wheel chases Rocket Racer in a lame-off across New York City.

  M.O.: Spider-Man eventually got involved, but, as you might expect, the guy drove himself right into a river, because his entire body was in a giant wheel. Lesson: It’s probably best to know how to operate your stupid machinery before using it.

  Who to Say it to

  There’s only one group of people you should never talk to, and that’s those assholes at the Worldwide Conglomeration of Super Criminals. They deserve exactly zero percent of your attention. Say nothing to them. Nothing.

  Got it?

  How to Say It

  The best way to say what you need to say is to open your mouth (or mouths, depending on what kind of mutations/deformities/alien body-melding you’ve got going on), vibrate your vocal cords, and adjust your tongue, lips, and teeth to form words accordingly.

  Beyond that, I suggest that you keep your volume high, your tone deep, and your letters in ALL CAPS.

  It’s also important to make sure that yo
u punctuate at least every other sentence with an evil and/or menacing laugh. Keep in mind that only a few laughs are truly evil. Here’s a quick rundown of some laughs you should and shouldn’t use.

  • Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!—A little boring, but okay.

  • HAhaHAHaHaHAhahAHA!—Better.

  • Tee-hee-hee!—Avoid.

  • Huh-huh. A-huhuhuhuhuh.—Too henchman-y.

  • One of those laughs where you open your mouth and grab your belly, but no sound comes out.—Too avuncular.

  • Har-har-harrrr: Sarcastic. Workable, if that’s your thing.

  • Hennnh-hennnh-hennnnnnnnnh—Creepy. A worthwhile choice.

  • Haw-haw-haw!—There are worse choices, especially useful if you’re some kind of mountain man.

  • A rhythmic hiss—Only appropriate for reptilian villains and hench-dogs.

  • Bwa-hahahahaha!—Never, ever “bwa.”

  • Mwa-hahahahaha!—Perfect.

  Ten Supervillains Who Need New Catchphrases

  These famous, comic-book starring guys (and girls) have some of the most played-out catchphrases in the history of villaindom. Don’t be like them.

  1. Doctor Sivana (Captain Marvel’s arch-nemesis)

  Catchphrase: “Curses! Foiled again!”

  Why it’s a problem: Let’s look past the fact that it’s a phrase that has become the biggest supervillain cliche ever, and get right down to the heart of the matter. This is a catchphrase based on failure. For it to be known as one’s catchphrase, then, is to imply that that person is always going to fail, and expects to do so. It pegs the speaker as a loser and a defeatist. That’s no way to go through life. Plus, what do you do if you actually win one? You have nothing to say. So, Doctor Sivana, I propose that you find a new lease on life and begin loudly shouting, “I won!” even if you’re beaten so badly that you’ll have to eat and breathe through tubes for a month. You’ll feel better, and people will remember you as a winner, even though, let’s face it, you aren’t.

  2. Venom (Spider-Man’s arch-nemesis)

  Catchphrase: “We are Venom!”

  Why it’s a problem: Look, it’s fine to introduce yourself by your supervillain handle after the accident that makes you into a man-eating creature of living goop or even upon your first encounter with your arch-nemesis, but after that, well, it just comes off as kind of self-indulgent and, frankly, redundant. Yes, we know you’re Venom. Why not use those ever-important pre-battle moments for saying something that will really have an effect on your nemesis rather than just reminding him of your name, you know, in case he forgot the name of the opposite number who’s bugging him, like, every week? Might we suggest, “Up yours, Parker?”

  3. General Zod (Superman villain)

  Catchphrase: “Kneel before Zod!”

  Why it’s a problem: If it existed purely in a vacuum, there would be nothing wrong with this supervillain catchphrase. It’s got a pitch-perfect level of arrogance mixed in with domination of subordinates and clear delusions of grandeur. It even manages to get his name in there without seeming forced (take note, Venom). No, this is a case, like with many okay-to-good movies and bands, where the fans ruined it. As soon as “Kneel before Zod” became the battle cry of message-board nerds who thought themselves the winner of a forum argument, it was dead. So very dead.

  4. Galactus (Professional planet eater)

  Catchphrase: “I hunger!”

  Why it’s a problem: Well, it’s certainly not too wordy. No, this catchphrase seems to suffer from the opposite problem: It sounds like something a toddler would say.

  And that would be fine if Galactus was supposed to be some kind of giant intergalactic infant like the one at the end of “2001,” going around eating planets. But he isn’t. He’s “the most awesome living entity in the cosmos,” according to the Hero/Villain Bible (a comic book). You’d think, then, he could manage something a little more erudite than three syllables, shouted loudly.

  5. The Riddler (Batman villain)

  Catchphrase: “Riddle me this . . . “

  Why it’s a problem: Simply, it doesn’t make any damn sense. I know it’s supposed to be an original twist on “answer me this” or “solve these riddles three” or whatever, but riddle just isn’t a verb. At least, not in the sense that the Riddler tries to use it. I mean, you can riddle someone with bullets or even with riddles, but never, ever (or at least not in the last couple centuries) has the word riddle meant, “the act of solving a riddle.” Even if it was a verb in that context, wouldn’t it mean, like, asking a riddle? . . . My head hurts.

  6. Dr. Claw (Inspector Gadget’s arch-nemesis)

  Catchphrase: “I’ll get you next time, Gadget . . . next time!”

  Why it’s a problem: While Dr. Claw avoids the pitfall of the aforementioned Dr. Sivana, there is one big flaw here. This is what we call a “dependent catchphrase.” That is to say, it relies on the existence of another character, usually a hero (in this case, Inspector Gadget). Dependent catchphrases are awfully limiting, in that they tend to only allow villains to face off against one hero and no one else. What’s especially bad about this one is the assumption that there will, in fact, be a next time, with the implication that Dr. Claw expects another 30-minute gag-fest in which an incompetent cyborg, a young girl, and a bipedal, mute dog best him, when he probably should simply be considering ways to burn their house down one night and get the whole thing over with.

  7. The Blob (X-Men villain)

  Catchphrase: “Nothing can move the Blob!”

  Why it’s a problem: It is patently, on-its-face false. Sure, it’s difficult to gain enough momentum to topple the Blob. It may even be tough for the average Joe to acquire the leverage to lift him up or push him forward. But something can absolutely move him. I mean, he can walk, right? So the Blob can move himself. No other test is needed. Something can, in fact, move the blob. Case closed.

  8. Hydra (Super-terrorist group)

  Catchphrases: “Hail Hydra!”

  “Cut off one head, and two more will take its place”

  Why they’re a problem: It’s confusing. What exactly are they hailing? Themselves? Their leader, Madame Hydra? The mythical creature with nine heads? Hell if I know. As for their other phrase, it’s an appropriate, if maybe a little-tooon-the-nose, allusion to the mythical Hydra. But boy, it’s a mouthful, isn’t it? Would it be too much to sacrifice literary reference for directness? “You cannot defeat us!” seems like it would get the point across pretty well.

  9. Harley Quinn (Batman villain)

  Catchphrase: “Mistah J”

  Why it’s a problem: This is another example of the dependent catchphrase, but of a different variety. Where Dr. Claw’s relies on the existence of a hero, this one is dependent on the existence of a so-called “boss villain,” forever locking in the speaker as a “number two.” So if the young Ms. Quinn ever wants to set out on her own in this white-knuckle, claw-your-way-to-the-top business we call villainy, she’d better find something new.

  10. Juggernaut (X-Men villain)

  Catchphrase: “Nothing can stop the Juggernaut”

  Why it’s a problem: To quickly debunk phrase No. 1: The Juggernaut can stop himself, therefore the phrase is not true. Although it does make one wonder what would happen if an “unstoppable” force (Juggernaut) met an “immovable” object (Blob).

  Why you Should Talk

  Because it is our way. We are villains. We monologue. So if you’ve got hang-ups when it comes to public speaking, you may want to go into something more suited to your talents, like becoming a human doormat.

  Training Exercise 3: Breath Control

  With all the talking we villains do, it’s pretty necessary that you learn how to master your lungs. Like an opera singer, a supervillain pours music out of his or her mouth. But our music doesn’t have a tune or rhythm or anything like that. Instead, it’s mostly just talking about crushing people’s spirits and finally getting our vengeance and lingering for a really long time on the
word “WOOOOOOORRRRRLD.”

  But other than those minor differences, it’s just like opera.

  And not unlike some great tenor or soprano, it’s imperative that you are able to hold out your notes (or, in our case, threats) for what seems like minutes at a time. Try the following exercise to get to the point where you can monologue and monologue and no one notices that you even ever breathe.

  Repeat the following:

  “Insolent fools! You have walked right into my nefarious trap! You should have known that this old castle in a warehouse was once my family homestead, and now it just happens to be located inside a building owned by the scientific research and development firm that so flippantly fired me some five years ago! And now, giant spikes made of fire and with man-eating crocodiles attached to the ends will very slowly descend, upon you so that you will eventually be impaled, cooked, and digested over the course of the next several hours. But that’s not the only way you will soon be dying, you do-gooding meddlers! Radioactive acid will also soon begin rising out of the floor, surrounding your feet to the ankle, dissolving you into a pool of gamma-irradiated bubbly water. So, basically, in summary: Your top half will be sliced, burned, and eaten. Your lower half will be melted while also receiving a flash-case of radiation poisoning. Now, I’ll be leaving to go do some things I need to do that are apparently more important than staying here and watching you, the arch-nemesis I have devoted my entire life to defeating, die. Enjoy your demise! Mwa-hahahahahahahahaha!”

  * * *

  Continue to repeat this monologue at least once a day until you can complete it in one breath, at most. If you can get to that point, you’re definitely ready for the field. For bonus points and added atmosphere, put a superhero in the exact death trap described each time you practice.