by Ann Jacobs
Tina reached over, took his hand, a gesture of comfort, understanding. “I’m sure you’ve been busy with your own family and career.”
“You don’t have to make excuses for me. I’ve made plenty for myself, that one included. But I could have made time for my own kin.” Another flaw to lay at Jackie’s feet. She’d wanted the college football hero, figuring he’d grow up and become her father’s lackey. But she’d made it clear almost from the beginning of their marriage that she hadn’t wanted any part of Hedgecock, Texas, or his “countrified” relatives.
That was wrong, laying blame on his dead wife when most of it belonged to him. He could have made time to keep in contact with his sister and ignored Jackie’s feelings about that, just as he’d managed to flout her distaste for him playing football. Who knew? She might have taken to his relatives, understood him better if he’d shown her where he’d come from. But he’d been afraid she’d laugh at his humble beginnings, comparing the rundown ranch where he’d grown up with her parents’ Skokie mansion. Now he’d never know. He took Tina’s hand, hoped she’d understand and cut him the slack he probably didn’t deserve. “I’m ashamed of myself.”
“You shouldn’t be. From all I read online and in the papers, you do all sorts of good things for kids here in Memphis.”
Keith couldn’t help laughing. “I write checks to the foundation Jackie set up in my name. And I do a football camp every summer for underprivileged teenagers. I could have made it a point to send some of the goodness home but I didn’t. Jackie wanted us to live year-round in this house, and she liked choosing the charities the foundation supported. I haven’t even checked up on what’s been going on there since she died.” It was past time he looked into the charity that bore his name, maybe diverted some funds to help folks back in Hedgecock. Keith sighed.
When Tina met his gaze with tears glistening in her eyes, he realized how generous she was, worrying about how he felt. “She was so beautiful. You must miss her terribly.”
“Not as much as I probably should.” He traced his thumb along the smooth skin on the backside of her wrist. “I can’t help wondering if you’re thinking of her as an angel, a dutiful wife who gave her life to provide her selfish husband with a son.”
“I could never think of you as selfish, Keith.”
“I am in lots of ways. I want to continue playing ball as long as it’s fun and profitable. I want Jack to grow up happy and healthy. I want to live life my way, with a partner who’s everything Jackie wasn’t.”
Tina was confused. “What wasn’t she?”
Keith leaned his elbows on the table, propped his head on his hands. “Jackie was the most self-centered woman I ever knew. She hated me playing pro ball and did everything she could to make me act civilized enough to move in what she called decent society.” He paused, met her gaze. “That’s not to say I didn’t love her, because I did. At first I was dazzled by her looks, by the fact she seemed crazy about me—and probably a little bit by the fact she had a shiny black Porsche convertible that was the envy of the entire Northwestern football team. Our first years together when we were in college were damn good. Then, when I refused to go into business with her dad, she was furious. We fought about that for months until we finally agreed to disagree about my career.
“The only thing she wanted from me besides to run my foundation was a baby, and I was willing to cooperate. For several years we tried, but nothing happened. Finally a fertility specialist suggested in vitro fertilization, and she got pregnant only to lose the baby in her fifth month. That was five years ago, when we found out she had the serious heart condition that nearly killed her. The doctors told us that if she got pregnant again she’d be risking her life.”
“Oh no. I’m so sorry.”
“So am I. Even though I was against it, she insisted on trying again. Wouldn’t even consider adoption. Almost two years ago she found a specialist who thought that with some new drug, she might be able to have her baby after all. She talked me into trying IVF one more time, against my better judgment.”
“And…”
“She got pregnant with Jack. Everything went pretty well until about the seventh month. Jack was getting bigger and putting a lot of pressure on her heart, so the doctor put her to bed and came to check on her every day. She went almost to term, insisting she wasn’t taking any unnecessary risks.”
“What happened?”
Keith sighed. “I came home from working out a year ago today. She was gasping for breath and white as the sheet on the bed. She’d gone into labor, and I found out later she’d also been having a massive heart attack. An hour after they took Jack by C-section, she died.”
Tina lifted her hand, brushed away a tear he hadn’t realized was making its way down his cheek. “You must have been devastated.”
“At that moment I hated her for insisting on killing herself and leaving me with a helpless baby I didn’t know how I’d take care of and keep on earning a living playing football. I hated her for killing the feelings that we’d had for each other when we were college kids. And fuck it, I hated myself for not being as sorry as I should have been that she was dead.”
“So you felt you let Jackie down?” Tina’s heart was breaking for Keith, who stared down at his hands, seemed to expect her to reject him for what he apparently believed was an unforgivable sin.
“I know I did. Somehow I ought to have been able to persuade her all we needed was each other. Or that an adopted baby would be as much ours as one we’d created. I should have quit football and been the kind of husband she wanted. And I shouldn’t have hated her for dying and leaving me with Jack.”
“She died having the baby she wanted so much. That has to count for something.”
He looked up, met her gaze with eyes that were as sad as any she’d ever seen. “I love my son more than I ever dreamed I would. I want him to have the best life any kid could have, but I also want a life for myself. I don’t want to sleep alone every night. I don’t want to have a woman only when the team has a big win and I let some groupie take care of my sexual needs in a haze of booze and euphoria.” When he paused and met her gaze, she saw the shame there. “I did that last week, you know. I fucked a woman I hardly know and don’t have any desire to get to know better.”
“You d-did?” She tried to tell herself she didn’t have the right to feel like something had speared her heart. That there were no promises between them. Plus, when she’d been staying with Bobby and he’d told her what it was like being a player, it made perfect sense. How difficult it would be for players, particularly stars like Keith, to resist all they were offered after a big win when the alcohol flowed hard and fast and willing women were neck deep. Keith was human. It still hurt to hear him say it, though she tried to hold in those feelings.
Apparently she wasn’t entirely successful, because this time it was Keith who reached out and carefully closed his hand over hers, drawing her gaze up to his face. “I told you that because I wanted to tell you this, too. That night I played the MVP superstud and didn’t much like myself for it. What happened between us last night seemed…a lot more right.”
What did he mean? “It seemed right to me, too, but you don’t need to feel obligated.”
“I don’t feel obligated,” he said, a tone of exasperation in his voice as though it irritated him that he wasn’t getting through to her. “I’m honored that you trusted me to comfort you, and that you knew I would never hurt you the way your stepfather did. And I want to keep you in my house, my bed and in Jack’s and my lives. We’re both crazy about you. He loves you, and that’s a big part of why I’m asking you to marry me.”
Marry him? Tina looked into his eyes, found his expression deadly serious. “I—I…” Was he actually asking her to marry him because Jack loved her?
He gave a nervous sounding laugh. “Is us getting married such a lousy idea that you’re speechless?”
“N-no. I don’t know…”
“I do. We’ll be go
od together. You won’t have to worry that I’ll be unfaithful. I never was to Jackie. We’ll build a good life for Jack. I’ll play a few more years and then we’ll live wherever we decide will be best to raise him. Maybe I’ll coach high school or something once I quit playing. I can’t imagine giving up football entirely, and I don’t think I’d make a very good sports commentator.”
Tina was speechless. Should she marry him? She didn’t know. He’d promised her a good life, but he hadn’t said a word about loving her. Was liking her and enjoying her company enough for either of them?
She wished she could believe Keith loved her, the way she’d always dreamed her man would. But before she could think of what she wanted to say, his jaw had tightened.
“One thing, though, you need to know upfront. If you want kids, it’s going to take me time to get there. Maybe later, when the memories aren’t so fresh, we could try for a pregnancy, but only the old-fashioned way.”
“That’s fair.” Tina understood how Keith might feel Jackie didn’t get pregnant naturally because her body knew she shouldn’t, and how he could feel at fault because he’d agreed to the in vitro procedures. “I’d really like for Jack to have a brother or sister. Not right away, of course. Could we? That is, could we get a baby the old-fashioned way, as you put it?”
Keith looked over at her. “I don’t know. My sperm count’s not the greatest but I’m not sterile. Chances are you don’t have the sort of problem that kept Jackie from conceiving naturally.”
“You don’t need to explain. It’s just…I’m an only child, and it got pretty lonely for me sometimes.”
“I imagine it must have. I wasn’t an only kid, but Diane was too much older than me for us to be very close. What do you say now? Will you marry me?”
Chapter Six
From Keith’s expression, Tina gathered her hesitation had caught him off guard. “Come on. I’m not all that bad a match. I’ve got a good job, money, all the things most women want.” He paused, grinned. “Hey, I may be ten years older than you, but I’ve still got all my hair.” Getting up, he stood behind her chair, laid his hands on her shoulders. When she tilted her head back he stroked her throat, sent shivers down her spine. Her nerves hummed not from fear but from a desire so strong it almost squashed her doubts.
He must have sensed her weakening resolve, because when he spoke again, his voice rang of honey and persuasion, made her think of their hot bodies tangled, slick with sweat and a desperate need for completion. “The sex will be damn good between us. Want me to show you now?”
God yes. She wanted to feel his weight and strength. She wanted to feel him buried deep inside her, the way she hadn’t last night. But she wasn’t sure she wanted to marry him. “You don’t have to marry me for us to have sex. It’s not as if I was a virgin or anything like that. Even before…”
“Before you were raped? I wouldn’t expect you’d have been. I wasn’t, either, since a good while before I met Jackie. You forget I grew up in Hedgecock, too. Experimenting with sex was just about all there was to do other than go to high-school games and eat burgers at that place across the road from the school. My desire to marry you has everything to do with wanting a good mom for Jack and a friend to help me raise him, less to do with me wanting to have a handy bed partner.” He glanced out the window at the frozen scene outside then turned back and met her gaze. “Not that I won’t enjoy going to sleep every night with you in my arms. And waking up to the sight of your pretty face.”
She loved the way Keith was looking at her now, as though she were every bit as attractive as the beauty captured in the painting above the marble mantel in that cold, formal living room. As though he really did have feelings for her, Tina. If he hadn’t been watching her she’d have pinched herself.
He put one big hand on her cheek, turned her until she was looking into his greenish-blue eyes. She wanted to trust him completely, fall hopelessly in love with this man half the females in the country would kill to get this close to. But she was afraid that if she did, she’d get terribly hurt if he walked away. While she knew now that she’d leaned on Bobby much more than she’d loved him, it still had hurt when Bobby broke it off, telling her before leaving for college that he wanted her as his friend, not his lover. Who was she to even consider that she might be able to hold on to Keith Connors, even if they were married?
“Come on, now. You’re gonna give me a complex. Don’t you want to be my wife, be Jack’s mom?”
“Yes. But…” How could she tell Keith she didn’t trust him not to find somebody else better and dump her? “Nobody’s going to think you’ve got any trophy wife in me. I’m just a country girl, not a very smart one at that. You’re…you’re a huge hero. You’re the league’s best quarterback.”
He laughed. “Brett Favre and both of the Manning brothers might disagree there. Come to think of it, so would a few others. Drew Brees…”
“You know what I mean, Keith. You don’t need to recite the name of every other quarterback in the NFL. Your face is splashed on billboards all over town, not to mention that you show up in ads on TV every few hours. You’re famous. Damn it, Keith, you’re every woman’s dream. You can have anybody you want. Why on earth would you want me?”
“I want you because you make me happy. Comfortable, both on the field and off it. No matter what you may think, I’m not exactly every woman’s fantasy, and even if I were it wouldn’t matter. I won’t be chasing skirts. Once I make my bed, I lie in it. I have a feeling you’ll be a lot more pleasant to live with than Jackie sometimes was.”
When he moved, his motion was swift. Smooth. Like the skilled athlete he was. Before she could protest he’d lifted her in his arms. “You want this. Quit fighting it.”
Yes, she wanted him more than she craved her next breath. But she couldn’t talk, not with his lips hovering above hers, coaxing…coercing her to toss caution to the winds and take everything he offered. When he kissed her and traced his tongue along the seam of her lips, she couldn’t deny him. But when she opened to surrender her mouth, he pulled back. “This will feel so much better when we’re sitting.”
When he sat on the couch, he cuddled her on his lap and shot her a grin that melted her heart and banished her second thoughts. “I bet you’ll even let me buy us a house where I can feel comfortable in more than just one room. And that you and Jack will come watch all my games.”
“Of course I’ll let you pick out a house for us. After all, you’re the one who’ll be earning the money to pay for it. You should be able to enjoy living in more than just one room.” She paused, laid her head on his broad, muscular shoulder. “I’ve got a feeling I’ll be more comfortable, too, in this house that you pick out.”
Keith held her close, traced along her throat, over the curve of her breasts. “I think you will be, too, because I’ll be thinking about us both when we’re doing the dream home search. How about it? Will you be happy living with a football player, watching him play and tending his bruises on days when his linemen haven’t done too good a job protecting his tender hide?”
“I love watching you play. How could I not? I can’t remember a time I didn’t look forward to watching football every fall. It’s even more fun watching when I’ve got a special player I’ve got reason to look for. I’m sure Jack will love the games, too, as soon as he’s a little older.” Keith’s nearness, the woodsy smell of his cologne and the comforting heat of his muscular body made his proposal seem more feasible. The mere thought of massaging his beautiful, sore muscles was making her wet with anticipation.
The only thing was, he hadn’t said he loved her. She was fairly sure he didn’t, not the way she wanted, needed, to be loved. Still, she believed he’d take good care of her, and that he’d be faithful physically, no matter how much he might want to stray.
Maybe friendship and sex would be enough after all. “Still…”
“Hush. I’m going to take you upstairs to my room and show you how good we can be together. Grab the monit
or.” He picked her up again and lifted her over his shoulder.
Tina knew this couldn’t be good for the shoulder Keith had needed to baby most of last season. “I can walk. I bet your coach wouldn’t like it if you hurt yourself carrying a grown woman around.”
He laughed. “There you go, sounding like a wife already. I like it. If you insist, you can walk. But it wouldn’t hurt me at all to carry you—you’re light as a feather.”
Too light. Last night he hadn’t seen her naked. Now, as she watched him toss his parka off the bed and set a huge box of condoms on the nightstand, she figured that would be the next step. Undressing. She knew this wasn’t the room where he’d slept with his wife, so Tina had no reason to feel any more uncomfortable than she would having sex with him anywhere else in the same house where he’d lived with Jackie. The same house where they’d lived together platonically for the past five months.
“You’ll think I’m too thin,” she said, recalling his “light as a feather” comment and Bobby’s apparent concern when he’d first seen her again about the weight she’d lost. “It’s awfully bright in here.”
Keith paused, his belt hanging loose, jeans unzipped. “Baby, I won’t think anything of the sort. I want you exactly the way you are. So maybe you’re a little skinny. You felt damn good to me last night. Come on, now, don’t get shy on me.”
He obviously had no doubts about his own buff, muscular body, because he dropped his jeans and boxers in one efficient motion before shedding his sweatshirt. “Come on, I bet you’ve got a lot less scars than I do.”
Even in the bright light, she couldn’t discern any flaws anywhere on Keith’s well-toned, gorgeous body, all six feet four inches of it. “Quit teasing me. You’re perfect and you know it.” Trembling as she did it, Tina peeled off the rest of her clothes, praying he wouldn’t be turned off by her prominent ribs, by boobs that had to seem almost nonexistent compared with the silicone-enhanced assets of some of the groupies she’d seen .