“That’s such a load of crap! Jesus, Show! I never said she was weak. I tell her she’s strong all the time. I know what the fuck she can do. I’m the one that brought her into the Keep and stirred up all that shit, because I know she can help!”
Show laughed. “You tell her she’s strong? Are you brain damaged?”
Enough of this shit. “Fuck you, Show. Advice time is over. You and Holly don’t have what I want with Lilli. I don’t know what kind of marriage you have, but it’s not what I want. So, yeah. I’m done.” He stood.
Show slammed his hand down on the table and stood up. It was far out of character, and Isaac was actually startled. “Don’t talk about my marriage, brother. You don’t know how to keep something going. You’ve done nothing but wet your wick since you were twenty-four. I was there for what happened with Tasha, remember. You were an asshole to her. Don’t be an asshole to Lilli. She’s a one-of-a-kind chance. And you shut her up in your office like a badly behaved dog.” He walked around the table. “Fuck it. I hope she kicks you to the curb.” He threw open the door and stormed back into the Hall.
Isaac stood there, suddenly seeing the fight with Lilli through Show’s eyes. Through Lilli’s, too.
What a shit day. He left the Keep and headed back to his office. Who the hell knew what he was going to find in there.
CHAPTER FOUR
Lilli could not believe she was still sitting in Isaac’s office. What a fucking asshole. Telling her to stay put. Fuck him. And everybody out there knew it, too. They knew she was sitting in here like a docile old lady, doing what she was told. She stormed to the door.
She turned the knob, but then she stopped. He would do it—she absolutely believed he’d set the whole club on her and tie her up. Just to make his point. He’d turned into a fucking caveman, and it was working. She couldn’t stand the thought of the whole club coming down on her like that. Especially not after today.
Fuck!
She turned and went across the room to sit on the couch. Sitting here waiting for her man. No. Not her man. Fuck this. This was not the life she wanted. She would not become Holly, hanging her wash, sewing curtains, and baking bread all day. No fucking way. Not worth it. She’d rather be alone.
She sat there and worked out what she would say when Isaac found his way back to his office. How she would end it.
~oOo~
He was gone a lot longer than five minutes. When the door opened slowly, as if he thought maybe she’d fly at him—which, sure, had been a consideration—she’d had plenty of time to calm down and prepare what she would say. She hadn’t lost so much of her anger that the enormity of what she was about to do had really sunk in, and that was good. She could be sad later. Now, she just had to figure out how to get herself free. From all of it.
Assured that the coast was clear of flying women, Isaac stepped in and closed the door. “Baby, we have to talk.” He smiled. Apparently, he’d found the calm he’d gone looking for.
Lilli was sitting in a corner of the sofa. “Yeah, we do. I want out.”
He walked toward the couch and sat down in the middle, not quite on top of her, but closer than she really wanted. “I’m sorry for making you stay in here. I—I was being an asshole.”
“Yeah. But it’s not what I meant. I want out of this.” She waved her hand between them. “Whatever the fuck it is.”
The shock on his face was absolute. He hadn’t seen it coming at all. Lilli didn’t know what to think about that. Did he think it was going well between them? “Lilli! Baby, no. No! We just need to sort through some shit.”
“There’s too much shit, Isaac. Too much. You need a woman who’s something I’m not. You’re trying to make me into something I’m not.”
He grabbed for her hand, but she pulled away. It hurt him that she did; she saw it in his eyes. She saw deep hurt and something like fear. “No, Lilli. You’re wrong. I’m fucking up, I get that, but you’re wrong. I don’t need something you’re not. I need you. You. Who you are.”
“No. You need someone who’ll hide behind you, who’ll do what you say because you say it. You need someone who doesn’t need to be your equal.” She stood up and headed for the door. When she got there, she turned back to him. He was still sitting on the couch, looking stunned. “I’m going back to the rental. The rent’s paid for another few weeks. I’ll be gone well before then. Just…give me like an hour to get my shit out of your house.”
Now he stood. “Lilli, fuck! Wait—we need to talk this through. You’re just—you’re wrong!”
She didn’t answer. She put her hand on the knob, and he said, “How do you think you’re gonna get to the house?”
Shit. She dropped her hand and took a couple of steps back into the center of the room.
Bart had picked her up on her run and brought her to the clubhouse. Isaac’s house was ten miles outside of town, in the opposite direction, so more like fifteen miles from the clubhouse. Fifteen miles was a run she could do, and she was dressed for it, but it was late. It was dark. She was stuck. “Will you let a Prospect take me?” She knew the answer.
“No. We need to talk.”
Running in the dark it was. “Fuck this, Isaac. I’m done being forced.” She headed back for the door.
This time, he moved, and again he put himself between her and the door. She thought about hitting him again, but, frankly, she was exhausted, and sad was starting to overtake angry. He grabbed her upper arms, and she didn’t fight him off.
“Do you love me, Lilli?” His green eyes bored into hers. He looked really upset, and guilt crept into the sadness that was starting to overwhelm her.
“Isaac, don’t.”
He shook her a little. “Do you love me? Tell me. Be true.”
“Isaac…” She didn’t understand what good it would do to keep this conversation going. She needed to get out—of this room, this town, this relationship. If that’s what it was.
“Do you love me?”
“Yes! You know I do. It’s not enough.”
He shook her again. “How do you know it’s not?”
“Because of this! What’s happening right now!”
“This is a glitch, baby. Just a glitch. You and me, we don’t know what the hell we’re doing. We’re fumbling, that’s all. You want to throw it away because you’re scared. Please, Lilli. Sit down and talk with me. Don’t give up yet.”
No. He was wrong. It wasn’t a glitch. It was a failure. Lilli understood now that she was better off on her own. “Please. Just let a Prospect take me back to get my stuff.”
His grip on her arms tightened painfully, and his eyes flashed. God, were they wet? He blinked and released her. “Okay. Come on. I’ll have Badger take you in the van.” With a sigh, he opened the door and ushered her back to the Hall.
~oOo~
Badger dropped her off. He tried to stay with her, but she scared him off. Isaac hadn’t told him he had to stay, so he wasn’t that hard to scare. She’d made it pretty evident that she wasn’t in a good mood.
She just wanted to get her stuff and get the hell away. She had an hour. She went upstairs and grabbed her duffels out of the closet in her office. No, not her office. Isaac’s room.
Damn, this hurt. Damn. She always lost everything. Damn.
When she came down to get her clothes, the kittens were at the foot of the stairs, churning around in a big knot, making a ruckus. When she stepped off the staircase, they started climbing up her running pants. She spared a couple of seconds to sit on the floor with them. She hoped Isaac wouldn’t force them all to stay outside now. It was starting to get cold, especially at night. Now, they all slept, with their mom, in the kitchen.
Lilli sat with them longer than she’d expected, and she was still on the floor, cuddling kittens, when she heard Isaac’s bike. Fuck! Had it been an hour? No way it had been an hour. She set Biddy and Tim down and pushed the others gently off her legs and got up, hurrying back to the bedroom. She didn’t know why she was hurrying; there
was no way she’d be out of the house before he was in it, but she did not want another confrontation. She just wanted to get away.
He came in while she was pulling clothes out of the closet. She didn’t have much. A bit more than she had when she got to town, but Lilli wasn’t much of a shopper, and there wasn’t really anywhere to shop, anyway, except online. Reluctant to turn around and face him, she made a production out of straightening the hangers.
“Lilli.” He must have stopped in the doorway.
She didn’t answer, just kept straightening hangers, telling herself to soldier up and face him. She couldn’t. With her head still in the closet, she said, “You were supposed to give me an hour.”
Then he was on her, his hands on her hips. She tensed, but he didn’t try to turn her. “Lilli.” He put his head on her shoulder. “Don’t go. At least talk with me first. Not fight—talk. Please, baby.” His voice sounded thick.
Something about the way he was holding her—gently, but there was something else in it, something she couldn’t name—shook her resolve. She was confused again. What had seemed clear seconds ago was now, again, a jumble. She dropped the clothes in her hands. “Isaac, I don’t know what to do.”
His pulled her back against him, his head still on her shoulder. “Talk with me.” He turned his head and pressed his lips to her neck. “Talk with me.” His hands slid forward and spread over her belly. “Talk with me.”
Her body was responding the way it always did to his touch, his scent, his sound. She didn’t want to talk. She turned in his hold, and he pulled back just enough to look down into her eyes. He didn’t want to talk, either. “Lilli. Please.”
For a charged heartbeat, they simply stared at each other. Isaac’s eyes seemed deeper and more intense than she’d ever seen them. Then she reached over his shoulder and grabbed his braid. As soon as she did, his mouth was on hers, fierce and emphatic, and he pushed her against the frame of the closet door. The edge of the jamb dug into her back, but she didn’t care. She yanked on his braid, pulling him even closer, and opened her mouth, sucking his tongue deep and making him groan. He grabbed her thighs and pulled her up, hooking her legs around his hips. She hung on.
She was overwhelmed, riding the wave of his need, and hers. His hands were everywhere, moving frantically—pulling her ponytail loose and combing through her hair, caressing her sides and her ass, pushing between them to hold her breasts. His whole body was huge and hot on hers, his cock a granite swell against her core, his panting breath on her face. He tore his mouth from hers but didn’t move back. His forehead on hers, he grunted, “Fuck, Lilli. I love you. I love you. Stay, baby. Stay with me.”
Lilli pulled back. This was nuts. They couldn’t fuck their problems away. She needed to go. But, God, she didn’t want to. Part of her, a small part, but one that got loud when he was so close, wanted to do anything to stay. Her head was too full; she needed to think. Releasing her legs from around his hips, she pushed him off and stood. “Okay. Okay, let’s talk. Not this. Talk.”
He stepped back, nodding. She could see and hear him mustering control of himself. “Yeah. Good. Talk. Good.” He brushed her hair back from her face. “Thank you.”
“Yeah. Living room.” She left the room and headed down the hallway. He was right behind her.
She sat on the sofa, and he sat next to her. With the exception of the big bookcases and entertainment unit that Isaac had built onto one wall, the furniture in this room was old—from the 1940s, maybe, with wood trim and fraying cream damask with faded red roses. At least three generations of Isaac’s family had used this furniture. Even more than that had used this room. Lilli found it disorienting to live in a house so deeply saturated with someone else’s history. It wasn’t just living in an old house. She was living in a house that was, and could only be, uniquely Isaac’s. She felt like an interloper. She’d never told Isaac that, because there was nothing he could do, and she didn’t want him to feel torn. She would never ask him to give up a home like this—his commitment to his town was founded on that kind of loyalty to place—but she just didn’t know how to live here and not be a guest.
He took her hand and laced their fingers. “I’m sorry, Lilli. I went nuts. I got scared—really scared—and I just went nuts. I’m an asshole. You’re right. But I can’t lose you. Don’t let me being stupid ruin what we have.”
It stretched her fingers wide to be laced with his, so she changed the grip and folded her hand around his fingers, squeezing. “What do we have, Isaac?”
He’d been looking down at their linked hands; at her question, he jerked his eyes to hers. “You really don’t know? Lilli.”
She kept her eyes steady on his. “I’m asking.”
For whatever reason, he didn’t answer her, not right away. He turned and looked out the window, into the midnight dark. It was going to be a cold night, maybe the first frost. Isaac had spent time over several days last week chopping firewood, anticipating the coming cold. He’d told her he hated winter, when his bike spent too much time garaged, and he was stuck caged in his big pickup. Still looking out the window, he said, “No.”
She was confused. “What?”
“No. I’m not gonna tell you what we have. You know. You tell me what’s missing. Seems like that’s the important thing right now—what makes you want to leave. What we don’t have. What’s not right?”
“Isaac, it’s not that simple.”
“Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe we can’t fix it. But I don’t even know what’s wrong. Will you give me a chance?”
“After today, you have to know what’s wrong. You’re not stupid.”
“Yeah. I know. I was an ass. Show called me on it, too. You’re both right. I’m not giving you enough credit. But Lilli—” He paused, his eyes shifting as if he were tracing a thought as it moved through his head. “I know how capable you are. Shit, Sport, I’m in awe of you. I know I was coming off like I think you’re weak, but it’s not true.”
“Then why all the orders? Why are you trying to force me behind you?”
“Not what I was—look.” He stood, still holding her hand, and gently pulled. “Come with me for a second.” She let him pull her to her feet, and he led her into the kitchen and turned on the light.
Everything was just as she left it—chopped vegetables on the floor, chairs overturned, big knife on the floor, and blood, streaked on the walls and cabinets, and a small puddle in the middle of the room, now smeared, with tiny reddish-brown pawprints all over the kitchen. She hadn’t really seen all this when she was in the thick of it. She hadn’t seen how it looked.
“I came home to this, and you were gone. No call, no note. Ellis and the Northsiders are out there, Sport. I saw all this and you gone, your car here, and Nah, she’s just on a run is not a sentence that went through my head. I don’t know what happened here, and now I don’t even care. But when I came in here earlier, I thought I’d lost you.” Turning to face her, he framed her face with his hands. She loved the rough and gentle feel of his palms on her skin. His touch felt like love to her.
“I wish I could explain how bad it felt to think I’d lost you. And it’s not the first time. I know you hate to talk about it, but seeing you in that deer blind—”
“Don’t, Isaac. No.” She hated more than anything else the memory of lying there, first at Hobson’s feet and then in Isaac’s arms, her life draining away, barely able to move at all, subject to the will of others. Nothing left to her but her silence. She tried to pull away, but he held on, sliding his palms down her arms to take her hands in his.
“I know. It’s just—you made everything different for me, Lilli. I see everything different. What I want in my life is different. The thought of losing you undoes me. I’m not used to feeling like this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to deal with the kind of fear I felt today, and that other day, and all the days in the hospital before you woke up. I know you’re not weak. I know you hate weakness. But Li
lli, I’m weaker without you. Part of me wants to keep you in a little box where nothing bad can get to you, but I know that’s not you. That’s not the woman I love. I just—I want to do right by you. I want you safe.”
Faced with the disaster in the kitchen, everything that had happened earlier in the night made a great deal more sense. A lot of this was her fault. What else should Isaac have thought? The kitchen looked very much like a fight had occurred. And one had—but it was Lilli versus her own head.
“I’m sorry, Isaac. I didn’t realize how this looked. I’m sorry I scared you. And you’re right. It wasn’t smart to run in the dark and not tell anyone where I was. You’re right. You were a caveman tonight, but I was thoughtless and reckless. Let’s call it even?”
Smiling, he lifted her hand and kissed it. “Absolutely. But there’s something else going on, Sport. You’ve been different, and it feels like it’s been gettin’ bigger. I think that’s why we had this derailment today. I think it’s why you want to go.”
She didn’t really have anything to lose, did she? She was already half-packed. “Okay. Can we sit again?” He nodded and, still holding hands, they went back to the faded damask sofa.
Not knowing how to start, she stared at a large cabbage rose on the back of the sofa. Isaac sat quietly next to her, waiting. She loved him for that, for giving her time to think what to say. “Remember when I told you that I didn’t know what to make of myself, or my life now? How staying in town made that harder, because I couldn’t even have my own name?” The sensitive nature of her contract work required a secure identity. She was here in town as Lilli Carson, though her true name was Accardo. Staying in Signal Bend meant giving up her name permanently.
Behold the Stars Page 4