“I can ride with you. It’s not a problem,” I told him with a shrug, continuing down the driveway towards the street where his car was parked.
Though my motions alone weren’t enough to convince Knox as he stopped mid-driveway to ask, “You sure? I mean, I know how much you like your space these days.”
“Yet that didn’t stop you from showing up to the studio unannounced,” I reminded him with a side eye no matter how much I actually enjoyed having him there. In fact, it was his presence that had saved me from still being stuck in there right now.
And while I thought the little smirk Knox gave in response was a reflection of why he had really done what he did, he managed to trump all of my ideas along with my fuzzy feelings when he replied, “Gotta do what we gotta do for the show, right?”
I couldn’t believe I had already gotten so caught up that I had created expectations for what was going on between us. It didn’t even make sense for me to be so wide open, so interested, so… thirsty.
But since Knox was making it clear that his actions were only a part of the job, I knew it was in my best interest to do the same when I finally replied, “Yeah. Anything for the show.”
Knox
Old Amerie was back.
The cold shoulder, the attitude, the… strong dislike was full-fledged as she focused intently on her glass of wine, doing any and everything to avoid talking to me now that the cameras had already gotten the shots they needed.
I was tempted to call her out on it, but it didn’t seem worth the trouble since I was just about done with my food meaning we’d be heading back home in no time. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what had caused the switch. I mean, everything seemed fine when we were dancing together. In fact, everything seemed better than fine until the cameraman mentioned the producers which must’ve been the thing to bring Amerie back to reality. Neither of us had any real control over what was inevitable with our proximity, but that didn’t mean Amerie wanted it to be public knowledge; even if it wouldn’t actually be on TV for a few months.
As I pulled my napkin from my lap intending to put it on top of my close enough to empty plate, a familiar voice nearby caught my attention. “Knox, what are you doing out and about? I swear I thought you lived on an airplane.”
I couldn’t help but smirk as I turned my attention her way, staring her down from my seat as I challenged, “And I thought you lived at the office since that’s the only place you ever are when I FaceTime you.”
“No, that’s just the only place I ever answer,” she quickly replied with a little laugh.
Though I could only shake my head when I asked, “Damn. So now you screenin’ my calls, Kim? That’s fucked up.”
But her always calm and soothing voice was more than enough to ease my worries as she replied, “Sometimes I have to let you figure things out for yourself.” Before turning Amerie’s way to add, “I’m sorry. I’m Kimberly. Knox’s… friend.”
I could tell Amerie was reluctant to take the hand that was extended her way, surely because I hadn’t done the introduction myself. But I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for those two parts of my life to intersect, though it was clear I didn’t have much of choice once she finally gave Kim’s hand a shake and replied, “Amerie. Knox’s… co-star.”
Kim seemed surprised, snapping her head back as she repeated, “Co-star? Knox, you didn’t tell me you were getting into acting now.”
“I told you about the reality show, Kim. Wait… maybe I didn’t. You must’ve screened that call,” I teased, earning myself a little smack to the shoulder. One that Amerie obviously didn’t appreciate considering the way her eyes seemed to tighten in response.
Still, Amerie’s immediate reaction wasn’t enough to stop Kim from saying, “Shut up. I remember now. I guess I just didn’t realize the other possible… cast members. It’s nice to meet you, Amerie.”
“Likewise,” Amerie replied with a short nod over the rim of her glass before taking the rest of her wine to the head.
And the second I saw Kim watching her with concern, I knew it was up to me to distract her by asking, “So I’m coming to visit you next Tuesday, right?”
Kim turned back my way with a smile, nodding as she answered, “That’s never changed, Knox.”
“I gotta bring my camera crew with me though. They want to cover all bases,” I explained, already past my initial apprehension when it came to the concept.
While I knew it was risky for me to be completely transparent with our viewers, I also knew how important it was for them to see me interacting with Kim the way I did considering how valuable our relationship was when it came to everything else going on in my world. Still, that didn’t stop her from asking, “You sure about that? I mean… you know how you can get in the heat of the moment.”
Even though I knew she had a point, I could only shrug as I replied, “They say they want to capture the real me and that includes you. So it is what it is.”
Kim seemed surprised by my answer, releasing an airy breath as she said, “Well alright then. Next Tuesday. Cameras and all,” turning to Amerie to offer a polite smile and then giving me another pat on the shoulder before leaving us alone.
Of course it didn’t take long for Amerie to comment, refilling her glass of wine with the bottle we were supposed to be sharing as she said, “She seems nice. How long have you two been dating?”
A laugh slipped before I could contain it as I repeated, “Dating? Nah, me and Kim don’t date. We just... talk.”
“Does she know y’all are just talking? Or is that just your way of not claiming her?” Amerie challenged, obviously reading way too deep into what had transpired, though I couldn’t exactly blame her.
But since I wasn’t ready to give her a full explanation, I tried my best to keep things simple when I explained, “Nah, she’s cool with it. It’s what we do. Our thing.”
“Oh, so you guys have a thing now? Just like dance was our thing?” she fired back, rolling her eyes as she took a dramatic sip of her wine.
And once again, I could only laugh as I sat back in my chair and told her, “Amerie, chill. You don’t even know what you’re talkin’ about.”
“Now I don’t know what I’m talking about? I clearly just saw you two flirting it up and making plans, but now I don’t know what I’m talking about?”
“Amerie, she’s my therapist,” I spit out, forced to set the record straight before Amerie took things too far.
Though my admission didn’t seem to mean anything to her as she immediately twisted her lips to reply, “Wow. So now you’re playing the crazy card to justify fuckin’ around in people’s offices? That might be a new low for you, Knox.”
Her assumption that I was lying grinded my gears, though I tried to remain cool as I told her, “Ri, I’m serious. I see her every other Tuesday. Have been for almost a year now.”
While I had initially been totally against going to meet with a therapist, mainly because of the ugly stigma attached to it, my sessions with Kim had been the exact thing to save me from myself. To everybody around me, it probably seemed like I had my shit together. I was functioning, prospering even, in my career. I had a nice roof over my head and was investing in another. I had the cars, the women, everything materialistic thing a guy could ask for. But deep down, none of it mattered because I wasn’t able to make the deeper connections that my soul desired, and had pushed away the closest thing to that in Amerie.
So no, I wasn’t going to therapy because of Amerie. But the way I had handled that situation led me down the road of many similar ones which eventually brought me to the conclusion that this issue wasn’t exactly something I could fix on my own. And I quickly learned there was nothing wrong with using therapy as a method to address the stifling truths I had been harboring if that was what would eventually allow me to be able to move forward.
Still, while I had it all figured out for myself, Amerie remained confused as she leaned into the table, looking around before she whispe
red, “Why do you need therapy, Knox?”
“I’ve sat on a lot of shit for a long time. Shit that’s haunted me. Hell, still haunts me to this day. And I needed an outlet before I… self-destructed,” I answered as honestly as possible without turning the restaurant into Kim’s office.
“But you have friends. You have Blaise. You have Elijah. Why do you need to… pay someone?” she whispered again as if I was supposed to be embarrassed or ashamed by the conversation.
The old me probably would’ve felt some type of way about it. But the answer to her question allowed the new me to feel comfortable speaking in a regular tone as I told her, “Kim doesn’t know me from a can of paint. She listens to my concerns, listens to my stories without calling bullshit or calling me crazy like you just did.”
Amerie sat back in her chair, looking down to her lap before peeking up with softened eyes to whisper, “I’m sorry.”
And I could only shrug as I told her, “Don’t be. It is what it is. I don’t need you to understand.”
“But I… I want to understand,” she replied with the same quiet tone she had been using since she found out I was actually telling the truth; the one that implied this was something to be especially secretive about.
And maybe to her it was.
Maybe it just wasn’t for her to know or handle regardless of the fact that I had already trusted her enough to share it with her.
So as I stood up from the table, leaving enough cash to cover our tab plus a tip, I could only tell her, “Well maybe one day you will. But for now, I’m done talkin’ about it.”
“But Knox, I…” she called after me, flying up from her seat to follow me out of the restaurant.
And this time it was me keeping quiet, trying not to cause a scene on our way out as I tossed over my shoulder, “No, Amerie. It’s nothin’. Nothin’ that needs to be said right here right now at least.”
“But the cameras. You said you were bringing the cameras the next time you go… see her.”
I shook my head at her coded language, not breaking my stride on the way to the car when I clarified, “I am. I think it’ll be a liberating experience. And who knows? Maybe it’ll encourage someone else to get the help they need.” In fact, that was the ultimate goal. If putting myself out there as a vulnerable human being for the world was what it took to save someone from going down the same path that I had, it was more than worth the sacrifice.
Even though we were mostly alone, the only sounds coming from the cars passing us on the street, Amerie put her quiet voice back on as she replied, “Yeah. Maybe it will. But it’s also going to… put you out there. You and all of your business. The good and the bad. The present and the… past.”
“So that’s what this is all about…” I thought to myself with a little chuckle as I pulled open Amerie’s door, letting her climb inside before I insisted, “Don’t worry, babe. I don’t lay on Kim’s couch and pay to rag about you. I’ve never even said your name to her.”
“But she knows… about us?” was the first question Amerie asked when I finally made my way into the driver’s seat.
I could only shrug, making myself busy with my seatbelt as I answered, “She knows a little bit, yeah. Just what’s relevant.”
“Well what do you consider relevant?” she challenged over the center console, her concerned eyes growing heavier as she waited for me to settle in so that I could give her an explanation. But there wasn’t an explanation I could give her without going past the point of no return; letting Amerie in on what was still considered a family secret.
So instead, I released a heavy sigh, closing my eyes as I reminded her, “Ri, I already told you, I’m not doin’ that with you.”
“But I need to know if it’s about me!” she shouted, obviously growing irritated with the fact that I wouldn’t share much.
But I couldn’t share much because the truth was, “It’s bigger than just you! It’s always been… bigger than just you. I’m healing wounds that were left open long before I even met you, Ri. By people you will never meet and people I will never meet again. So like I told you before, it is what it is.”
The car went completely silent as Amerie just stared at me, obviously shocked by the reaction that I considered mild compared to what Kim brought out of me on a biweekly basis. But I suppose since Amerie wasn’t used to seeing me as anyone other than a happy go-lucky dancer or a sexually-driven jokester, this was new for her.
And she couldn’t handle it.
“I’m…” she finally started, though I quickly cut her off.
“Stop bein’ sorry. You have nothin’ to apologize for.”
“But you’re all… riled up. Because I pushed and poked. I shouldn’t have. It’s none of my business. Even if it is kind of my business...,” she muttered as she turned her attention towards the windshield.
Though I quickly brought it back my way when I attempted to lighten the mood by telling her, “Amerie, I promise Kim knows nothin’ about how well you used to throw that ass back.”
“Knox!”
“What? That’s the business you were talkin’ about, right?” I asked teasingly, enjoying the way she immediately squirmed in her seat in response as if she was being reminded of all the fond memories we had shared when it came to that category.
And I could tell she was really struggling with the flood of thoughts when she pushed out, “I mean, not... exactly. But good to know.”
“Seriously though, Ri. You have nothin’ to be worried about. I mean, the only people that might be able to put two and two together are Blaise and Miranda. And maybe Elijah. I guess Malia too…” I trailed, quickly realizing the number of people aware of our history might be even larger than I imagined.
And it was clear Amerie felt the same way as she groaned, “Ugh. I’d rather not think about a list. Just make sure you keep it as anonymous as you claim to already do and it’ll be all good.”
Amerie
“I wish you were here.”
My cell phone was on speaker mode - another thing required for the show - as I stretched out after working through the choreography I’d be performing with Liam during his awards show-opener coming up in a few days. It really wasn’t fair that I had to work my ass off dancing to make him look good while he got to just stand at his microphone and sing. But since I wasn’t one to turn down an easy check, I also wasn’t going to be the one complaining about performing. Especially since I had other things to complain about, like Blaise’s absence.
His sigh was heavy before he finally replied, “I know. I do too. But I’m also glad I’m not cause things haven’t exactly gotten any better over this way. Malia still won’t really eat. She won’t sleep. She won’t even dance. I’m starting to think she may need some counseling or somethin’.”
“Well your brother will know exactly who to recommend,” I replied with an unnecessary petty tone, feeling guilty now that it had already left my lips.
I mean, it was technically a good thing that Knox was seeking help, especially since he had made it clear that his issues ran way beyond the things that I knew about him. But his admission only made the questions I’d possibly never get answers to run rampant in my head.
Who were these people that I’d never meet?
What kind of wounds did they leave?
How did the wounds play a role in who Knox had become?
And of course the selfish part of me also wanted to know what kinds of things he had shared with Kim regarding us, and if the two situations were somehow tied together.
Still, while I had questions of my own, it was clear Blaise was completely in the dark when he asked, “What you mean?”
“You didn’t know Knox is seeing a therapist?” I asked, peeking up at the boom man who leaned the microphone in a little closer like a nosy neighbor peeking over the fence.
And while I rolled my eyes in response, I also caught the amusement in Blaise’s tone when he replied, “Knox? Seeing a therapist? You’re joking, right?”
>
I shook my head as if he could see me. “Not at all. I met her when we went to dinner a few nights back. Said something about how he was on the verge of self-destructing and how he was healing old wounds left long before I even met him. So probably long before you met him too.”
For a second, the line was quiet as I popped up from the ground, wrapping a towel around my neck and stretching out my arms until Blaise finally asked, “How did I miss all of this?”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” I answered with a shrug before bending over to stretch my hamstrings.
“I mean, he’s alright though. Isn’t he?” Blaise asked, this time with an obvious hint of concern for one of his closest friends.
But again, I could only shrug. “I mean, it seems like it. But then again, I thought he was fine all along so I’m probably not the right person to be asking. He spoke very highly of his therapist though. And she seemed nice.”
“Well if you’re referring to another woman dealing with Knox as nice then she must really be alright,” Blaise replied with a laugh that made me roll my eyes again as he continued on, “Speaking of nice, how are you two handling working together?”
I let out a heavy breath, thinking about the rollercoaster ride the first week together had already been. It hadn’t taken long at all for me to be reminded of why I had avoided Knox all of this time because truth be told, there had definitely been way more ups than downs. But I wasn’t exactly sure what it all meant, if our time spent together was even considered valid, if the moments we had shared were really anything more than “for the show”.
So as I continued to dance with the thoughts in my mind, I told Blaise, “We’re… we’re playing nice. We actually have an event to go to together in a few. Some high school dance competition we’re supposed to be the guest judges for.”
I imagined him nodding as he replied, “Good, public environment with a large audience meaning you’ll be less likely to go at his throat.”
An Encore for Love Page 11