by Ni-Ni Simone
“Elite.” I felt someone lightly shake my hip and when I turned over, I realized it was Neecy.
“Yes.” I rubbed my eyes.
“Someone’s here to see you.”
“Okay.” I stretched, slid on my slippers, and dragged myself to the living room, where my mother was standing in the same clothes she had on two days ago, and her eyes looked as if she’d been crying that long.
I shook my head, looked toward the ceiling, and sucked my teeth. “Yeah,” I said, feeling an iron fist clog my throat. I was warring inside, trying to keep tears from falling from my eyes. “What do you want?” I snapped.
“How you doin’?” She nervously leaned from one foot to the next.
“Psst,” I frowned. “What, I need to tell you again how I’m doing? You didn’t get it the last time we spoke? What’d you do? Get high and forget?”
“Lee-Lee,” she said, shocked.
“My name is Elite. Remember, you named me that,” I said sarcastically, “because you thought I was destined—or whatever that mess was you said—to be the best.”
“It wasn’t mess.”
“Oh, yeah,” I grimaced. “I guess I was the best kid a crackhead could have. Hmph, seems we found something you did right.”
“Don’t speak to me like that!” she snapped as tears formed in her eyes.
“Please.” I waved my hand as if I could care less. “Get on with it, what are you here for?!” I flopped down on the couch and crossed my arms. My stomach was doing backflips and for the first time in my life, I felt like if I never saw my mother again, it would be fine.
“Listen, I don’t expect you to understand, but I have a lot of problems and things I’ve had to deal with that have nothing to do with you or your sisters and brothers.”
“Yeah…” I crooked my neck. “I couldn’t tell.”
“Let me finish,” she said. I could tell I was trying her patience. “I have some plenty ugly things,” she continued, “that have happened in my life, and I didn’t know…I really didn’t know how to deal with them, so I turned to drugs—”
“Yeah, and ruined our lives.”
“I know that—I’ve always known that I wasn’t a good mother, so I kept running away from reality. My reality, your reality, our reality. So to medicate and feel better, I stayed gone for days at a time. I got high—”
“So we’re to blame for you getting high?” I couldn’t believe this.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I’m the mother and I never acted like one. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. And maybe this is what it took, the twins and Mica in foster care, Ny’eem in jail, and you hating me. Maybe I needed this so that I could see how much help I really need.”
My throat was trembling; her saying this was the last thing I expected. Tears were clouding my eyes to the point where I could no longer see.
“And that’s what I’ve decided to do. Get some help.”
“Uhm hmm,” was all I could say as I wiped my tears away. I was doing all I could to act tough, like I didn’t care, but for some reason my emotions were defeating me.
“And I know you may never understand and you may never forgive me…and I’m not sure I even deserve your forgiveness or your love, but I’m determined to get some help, and this time, I’m getting help for me. No one else but me, and I can only pray that one day we’ll be mother and daughter again.”
She stood there and stared at me as if she were expecting me to clap, run into her arms, or say that I understand or something, but instead I let my silence speak for me. I stood up from the sofa, wiped my face again, went into Naja’s room, and slammed the door.
After replaying the argument I had with my mother over in my head at least a thousand times, I heard a soft knock on the door. “Elite.”
“Yes.”
“May I come in?”
“Yes.”
Neecy walked into the room and pointed to the bed. “You mind,” she said as she sat down on the edge of the bed, “if I speak to you for a minute?”
“No, not at all.”
“Good, ’cause I wanna talk to you about something.” She grabbed my hands and placed them between hers. Then she gave me a sly smile and closed one eye playfully. “Look, I try not to be nosy, but sometimes I am.”
I laughed a little, especially since I knew she was beyond nosy.
“And I just want you to listen, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I think you should really think about some of the things your mother said to you today, because I believe that she means it—”
“You don’t know—”
“I said listen,” she said as she placed her index finger against my lips.
“I know she may have done some things to hurt you and maybe I don’t know what it’s like to have a mother on drugs, but I do know what it’s like to have a father who’s an alcoholic. Ever since I could remember, my father drank.” She closed her eyes as if she were fighting off a bad memory. “And he drank and he drank, and he drank so much that I often wondered if he knew who and where he was half of the time. And I’ll tell you, Elite, he did some pretty bad things.”
“Really?”
“Yes. He would cuss us out, accuse me and brothers of things, you name it—he said we did it. And it took many, many years for him to realize he had a problem, and when he did, I wanted nothing to do with him.”
“You didn’t?”
“No, and when he came to me to apologize and seek my forgiveness, do you know what I did?”
“What? Forgave him?”
“No. I told him I never wanted to see him again, that I hated him, and to get out of my life.”
“I know how you feel,” I said more to myself than to her.
“I’m sure you do, but not long after he came and apologized to me, he died, and I never got a chance to tell him that I forgave him. That I loved him and was only angry with him. I was hurt and I wanted to hurt him the same way he’d hurt me.”
“So,” I asked, scared of what her answer might be, “did you ever stop hurting?”
“Well…over the years, it’s gotten better and I’ve learned to live with it, but who knows what would’ve happened had I forgiven him. Maybe the hurt would have gone away. But now I’ll never have a chance to undo my telling him to get out of my life. You understand what I’m saying to you?”
“Yes. I guess…I never thought of it that way.”
She rose off the bed. “Well, maybe you should. Now while you get some rest, think about what I said. You’ve had a hard couple of days, but around here, I may let you miss one day of school, but two in a row is a no-no. Feel me?” she teased.
I laughed. “Yes, ma’am. I feel you.”
SPIN IT…
Track 23
Going to school was getting harder by the day. The very people who faked their way into my life because I was dating Haneef were the same ones who kept talking crap about me. I heard a thousand different spins on my life: her mother’s a crackhead—no, it’s her father; her sisters and brothers are adopted—no, she’s adopted. They’re in foster care—no, they live on the streets…and on it went. I couldn’t wait for the last day of school, so I could decide if I even wanted to come back.
Naja insisted I ignore them, which I did, but it still didn’t make it hurt any less. I’d been trying to ignore Haneef because I was too embarrassed, and I really didn’t know what to say to him. So I gave up and wished somehow I could just rewind time, and go back to when he was simply a poster on my ceiling.
“Elite!” Naja ran after me down the hall as the lunch bell rang. “Let’s go in the cafeteria.”
“Naja,” I said, “I don’t know about that.”
“What? What don’t you know?”
“If we should do that. I mean, if you wanna go, you go ahead. I might go hang out in the library.”
“Girl, would you come on. Forget the haters.”
Reluctantly, I went into the lunch room and stoo
d in line. I felt like all eyes were on me as soon as I walked in. I could see some people staring and pointing as I fixed my tray and we walked toward one of the tables.
“This shit is crazy,” I said to Naja. “Like for real, none of them even know the truth about what’s going on. It’s like I’m dating Usher or some shit. I think I know how Maneka feels.”
Naja snickered. “You’re nothing like Maneka, so please.”
I laughed. “Maybe I should call Haneef and have him go on TV and defend me, like Usher did.”
“Yeah, and look stupid. But anyway, when’s the last time you heard from Haneef?”
“He calls me at least a hundred times a day, but I haven’t answered the phone.”
“Why?” She looked confused.
“Because I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him.”
“Are you serious? Because of this stuff?”
“Yeah…it’s too much. The reporters, people all in my business, and all the lies.”
“Excuse you, Elite, but you started the lies. He didn’t.”
“She’s always lying from what I hear,” floated over my shoulder and into my conversation. I turned around and it was Ciera—and if it wasn’t for the baby in her stomach, I would’ve jabbed her. “You better go ’head, Ciera.”
“You don’t tell me what to do.”
“That’s right,” Jahaad said as he walked over. “You don’t tell my wifey what she better do.”
Ciera blushed and I snapped, “I didn’t tell her what she better do, but I’ma tell you that you better get the hell out my face!”
“Or what, Elite?” Jahaad said as if he were daring me.
“Or I’ma catch you in it!” I snapped my neck as Naja stood beside me like a soldier, ready to attack.
“And then I’ma follow up,” she said.
“Man, please,” Jahaad spat and waved his hand. “Elite, you must not remember who you talking to. You know I know your mother has always been on drugs, and that you ain’t never been all that you thought you were. And now because you dating some played-out rap dude, you think you all that and a bag of chips, but I can’t tell with your life blowing up in the papers every day.”
“Tell her ass, baby,” Ciera spat.
“Tell me what?” I pointed my finger in their face. “You ’spose to be thugged out, but right now you sounding like a li’l girl. My six-year-old brother got more heart than you. You’re a joke! What, you looking for me to laugh in your face? Psst, mofo, please. Both y’all look stupid. A set of damn creeps and losers. No wonder you two got together. What, you think,” I pointed to Ciera, “that you accomplished something by being with this dude? He’s ridiculous, and he’s mad because he knows I know how long he’s really been played.”
“You just saying that because you tryna get back with me.”
“Boy, please, who you talking to? We both know that’s nowhere near true. You know I don’t want you and never have, and then you with this chick. Spare me. You’re nothing. Listen to your names together: Jahaad and Ciera. Hell, it sounds like trash.”
“I can’t believe you said that!” Ciera barked.
“Whatever—” I gave Naja a fist bump—“either go hard or go home. Otherwise, you being in my face is wasted space. So, my suggestion to you is to bounce.”
Naja hunched her shoulders and flicked her hands. “Guess she told yo’ ass.”
“You lucky I’m pregnant,” Ciera spat. “Otherwise, it would be on.”
“Well, come see me when you’re not so I can kick your ass and get this over with.”
The entire cafeteria was laughing and shaking their heads as Jahaad and Ciera walked away, talking trash. But whatever, as long as they kept it movin’, I didn’t care what they said. “You wanna leave?” Naja asked, pointing to the clock. “It’s not that much time left.”
“No, we gon’ finish our lunch,” I insisted. “I’m gettin’ a little tired of runnin’. Hmph, I go to school here, too.”
After lunch, Naja and I went back to class and although there were a few whispers and fingers pointing, I tried my best to ignore them. I had other things to worry about, like when I was going to see Mica and the twins again, when Ny’eem was getting out of jail, getting a job, and what I was going to do about my relationship with Haneef.
Once the school day ended, Naja and I walked to the bus stop together. “Elite!” I heard someone yell my name and when I looked up, it was Haneef, leaning against the back door of his Hummer. “Come here.”
I sucked my teeth. “Naja, go tell him I’m not coming.”
“Nope,” she said as the oncoming bus came. “You need to talk to him and I’m going home, so I’ll see you then. Bye.” She smiled and waved.
I watched as Naja dropped her change in the money collector and the bus doors closed. I stood there and sighed as the bus rode away and I was left there staring at Haneef, who melted my resistance every time I saw him.
“All I wanna know is what did I do?” Haneef asked.
I looked at him surprised. I couldn’t believe he was asking me what he did? He didn’t do anything. It was me who lied and made up this stupid ass life that was blowing up in my face. Me, not him. He was always honest. I was the one who lied about everything. He was perfect…and I was…a mess. I walked over to where he was, and into his embrace.
“I know it’s not easy being with me. The reporters and the nasty rumors on top of everything you’re going through at home. But, Elite, you’re too special for me to just bounce and let you push me away.”
“But, Haneef,” I sniffed.
“I’m not walking away, Elite. No matter what you say, you can forget about it.”
“But I’m like…bad for your image.”
“That’s not your concern. Now can we get in the car and talk about this?”
“Yes.”
As the driver pulled off into traffic, Haneef pushed a button and the black-tinted divider came up and gave us more privacy. “Why haven’t you been returning any of my calls?”
“Because,” I said, “I just didn’t know what to say. My life is a mess. You know, my brother is in jail and my sisters and brother—” Tears trembled in my throat.
“Are where?”
“In foster care. And my job, I lost it.”
“What?” he said in shock.
“Didn’t you read it in the paper?”
“I saw some of it, but honestly I try not to read that garbage too much. In this business, you have to have thick skin.”
“I guess, but my life is a mess and I feel lost.” I intentionally left out the details of why I was fired. I was too embarrassed to admit what I’d done.
“Li’l Ma, you don’t have to deal with this alone. Have you spoken to your mother?”
“Barely. She tried to apologize, but I didn’t want to hear it. She claims she’s going to be getting help.”
“Look, this isn’t the end of the world. Things can change.”
“You think so?”
“Yes.”
“But how do you know.”
“Because when I was a kid, I went through the same things.”
SPIN IT…
Track 24
I woke up the next morning with the sun in my face and the determination to never cry or feel sorry for myself again. I’ve known it forever: nothing changed through moaning and complaining. And yeah, for a hot minute, I was slippin’, but I was cool. Enough was enough. It had been three weeks since my life had fallen apart, yet somehow and someway, I had to put it back together.
I stretched my arms toward the ceiling and as I sat up in bed, my cell phone rang. “Hello?”
“What’s good, Li’l Ma?”
I looked at the clock: seven a.m. Then I looked at Naja, who was still sleeping, as I flipped my phone open. “You have no regard for time, do you?” I know Haneef could hear me smiling as I let out a slight giggle.
“Time?” he said as if he were playfully surprised. “What’s that? I don’t think I’ve
ever heard of time.” He laughed.
“You are so silly.”
“Yeah, and you love it.”
“Whatever, Big Head.” I cracked up.
“Look at you trying to sound like your old self again.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I’m determined not to feel sorry for myself anymore. To hell with this crying and carrying on.”
“Well, Li’l Ma, things happen you know, and sometimes it’s okay to get down, as long as you don’t stay down.”
“My point exactly.”
“Besides, you’re way too pretty to be all upset.”
I blushed. “Haneef,” I whined a bit. “Would you stop?”
“You know you don’t want me to stop.”
I blushed again. “Anyway, so what are you doing today?” I said, changing the subject.
“I have to fly to L.A. The awards are tonight.”
“Oh, that’s right. So are you performing?”
“Yeah, and I wish you could be there.”
“I could come with you if you want me to.”
“Nah, Li’l Ma, that won’t do nothing but get me in trouble,” he laughed. “Plus, it’s a lot of last minute stuff I have to finish up.”
“Oh,” I said as I tried to hide my disappointment.
“But next year, baby. I promise.”
“It’s cool. I may go out with Naja and her family tonight anyway.”
“Oh, that’d be great!” he said, a little too excited. “I think you should go.”
“Oh…kay…you can calm down. You’re awfully excited to not have me there with you.”
“What? You know it ain’t even like that. It’s just some business I need to take care of. Strictly business,” he said as if he could sense how I felt. “It’s work, baby, nothing else.”
“Alright, Haneef. I understand. How long will you be away?”
“Two days, and then I’m back here in your arms.”
I was smiling so hard and so wide my cheeks started to ache. “I’ll be waiting.”
“You better be. You gon’ miss me?” he asked seriously.